I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Shit day

I hate bully's. I detest bully's. They make me really angry, now. I was bullied a lot growing up. First by my brother, then at school. I was weak. I took it. I didn't have the courage, confidence or the words to stand up for myself. So, when I hear or see my kids being bullied it really makes me see red.

The girls are at the play park for 5mins before we go home. It's in an undesirable location and I'm waiting right beside it, in the car for them, with Millie. Ellie comes over to say one of her shoes is missing. I send her back to search but to no avail. I join her to look and ask the kids there if they have seen it. They all say they haven't seen it and even half heartedly join in the search. I'm becoming more and more stressed and can feel myself about to explode How can a shoe just disappear??? Then I realise. It must be in the bin. I carefully pull the bag up to look and don't see it. I search some more and notice the play park is a complete dump. These people just don't care about where they live. They don't give a crap about their children playing in such a mess. That's when I stop caring. I grab the bin bag and yank it out spilling its contents into an already dump of a play park and find the shoe. I make sure my kids are in the car and shout "you are nasty little bastards" and storm off.

I was very angry but I do feel guilty for shouting that at them. Thinking about it though, it's probably nothing their own parents haven't said to them. And that's the sad part. These bully kids are most likely bullied and treated badly at home. It's all they know. It's normal for them.

Today hasn't been a calm feeling day for me. Maybe the Pot pills have stopped working. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe its the mid week slump but whatever it was, I ran out of patience after Maia dropped Millie on the floor, split open her lip and nose causing blood to gush everywhere. We were at a toddler group. I'd thought I might be able to converse with real adults but Maia was having none of it. I think she's coming down with something so is extra needy at the moment. I read a few dozen books and played her annoying robber game but she was still in my face needing more more more. I was losing it. Then the gushing blood incident happened. Yes it was probably an accident but her lack of remorse pissed me off royally. Then she started nagging me to leave and that was it. I gave her a full on lecture about how I would leave when I was ready and she was not in control of me AND I was upset that she had shown no upset about what happened to Millie. Then once home she refused to help with the dishwasher so I refused to let her watch tv and then she refused the lunch I'd made her so I refused to make anything else and basically said she had to make her own. Which she did! ( with a bit of help from me). The fact is I was feeling taken advantage of. It's a common feeling. Today I rebelled. Maia was very upset. I was not moved. I hate days like these.

I know it was not the best way to react just like shouting at the bully kids in the park wasn't either. Sometimes I revert to saying and doing things I shouldn't. I can hear myself and I know it's wrong, know its upsetting and harmful but I can't stop myself.

Maybe I'm a bully?


  1. Unsure why.... as you know Michael had learning difficulty - starting with poor language skills whilst younger. He was in our garden when he was about 6 and Petra was 3 (before Manny Cussins House days)The two gates to the garden were locked and the 8 year old kid across the street was talking to (or at) Michael saying how come his sister did not look like him? He looked different! Why didn't she look like him? Did anyone else know? etc. etc. Michael was getting agitated, his language was not good enough to quickly answer her questions in whatever way he could. The girl was also bragging about things to him and being quite nasty. I was sat in a chair further over the garden. I had had a right week of it, my parents lived next door and had moved down from Glasgow a few years previous and both unwell and I was being stretched as a Mother, a dutiful(?) daughter and a wife... or is this an excuse for my reactions to the girl at the gate? I ended up starting off really nicely explaining how I had gone abroad and first adopted Michael from one country and then 3 years later went to another country for his `sister`...and in the middle of this, the girl seems not to be listening and said again...it is really strange that they don't look alike, though - GRRRRRRRRR! I looked at her and from nowhere I turned into an 8 year old girl myself and said something along the lines of "Well, Michael has been in a bigger plane than you will ever go in, and he has been to such exciting places and his hair is so beautiful and much shinier than yours will ever be..." YES! I did that! Middle aged adoptive mother turns into 8 year old girl monster! xxxx (know what? I felt better for a while until I felt eventually quite ashamed!) xxxxxx

  2. Hey, it was worth it though....for my sanity! x