Cyclical

Its one of *those* kitchen days

"You have so many kids!" my friend's 4yr old said to me today.

December was my last personal post it was about needing to change. For 3months I haven't really written much about my real life stuff. You can track my insecure depressed crappy mother feelings by my silences. I lose my writing ability. I lose my self. I lose my magic thinking. I feel overwhelmed by kids! I don't know what happens. I don't feel able. Or capable. Or worthy to be a mother to my three amazing children (omg I just wrote two! SEE. I just should NOT be their mother right now!!) But I am. For my sins.

I tried a few anti anxiety tablets. They gave me terrible headaches. They did help me feel much calmer about the way the day was going. The way the noise was increasing. The way the mayhem was spiralling. The way the needs of three young children were battering at every fibre of my being. The way my brain felt like it was about to explode into a tiny million pieces but instead explodes where it shouldn't. At my children. Loudly. Scarily. Pointlessly. Damagingly. Those tiny little grey things dulled the ever increasing feeling of finding myself thinking I shouldn't have had another one or perhaps any. I'm not cut out for this. I hate myself. It slowed the relentlessness. The stress. The never ending cycle that is my life just now.

Those were some damn fine pills but not recommended or prescribed long term.

Of course there is more to it. Sleep deprivation being a major headfuck. Low on resources. Lack of support. Loneliness. Isolation. Crappy diet. Lack of exercise. Lack of time. It's a cycle of despair. I need to get it in check.

So, this is why I haven't written much recently. Not too many laughs going on here.

I have been searching for my Joy. Its really elusive this time. Tomorrow I am going to see if the doctor will give me some Joy in a box. I am still not sure if its a good idea or not. It scares the shit out of me but all too often I'm feeling powerless, useless and depleted on all fronts. They could give me a leg out of this hole I'm trying to scrabble out of. That I'm clawing at and sliding further and further down. They could zombify my brain, deaden my emotions, dull the reality and leave me addicted to a Prozac life. I read Prozac Nation when I was young. It equally enthralled and frightened me.

Lets see what he says.

Meltdowns - many many many muchly
Losing the Plot - quite possibly
Breastfeeding - endlessly but forever.  It's so damn handy for everything.  Meltdowns, hunger, upsets, connections, bonding to name but a few!!