I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Friday, 14 October 2011

Excuse me but I was sitting there...

(post from July not published) 

We went to the west end today to drop Barry off at Maggies, he had just found out about the NHS letter outlining the reason his mums cancer was not diagnosed sooner...admin error basically, the letter did not go to the GP.  

Anyway, I must have said to Ellie we would go to a cafe before we left so after dropping Barry off, we went for a walk, I wanted to go into a few shops and she wanted to go to cafe and repeated over and over again getting more and more anxious and upset when it wasn't happening. 

When I said we were going to do that but I wanted to go into these shops first, she refused so I said ok stay out here then, she obviously didn't and we were really only in the shops for 5mins tops....when I realised it just wasn't going to work doing the shops thing first, they were hungry and desperate for going to a cafe, we turned round and went back to one we had seen. 

When we sat down, Ellie was on my right and Maia on my left, then Maia decided she wanted a high chair and so did Ellie... they were changing seats and sitting on me and basically moving about. Ellie got up to ask about the high chair and the waitress came over and we persuaded them they wouldn't fit and there wasn't enough room.  

Now,  Ellie was where Maia had been and Maia sat where Ellie had been. The waitress left and before I knew what was happing, Ellie was FREAKING out about wanting her chair back and climbing over me and sitting on the chair and pushing Maia of it...she was screeching and yelling that's my chair.   Maia was staying put but Ellie managed to push her right off and I think she got hurt, so Maia started crying and then Ellie seeing Maia being upset, upped her upsetedness with loud not exactly real crying and more screeching. 

I simply could NOT calm them down, at first I was trying to say "look you were sitting there then you moved and now you are over there, Maia is here, its not a big deal"... I guess that was my first mistake eh? Saying it was no big deal!! 

Anyway, I could not do any thing, my brain froze and I felt really embarrassed and annoyed that once again we were unable to be out in public, so I basically thought we are making noise, leave the room like the Yequana...so I picked them both up and walked out....not easy obviously and Ellie wriggled free and made to go back to the seat, by this point I just wanted OUT of there, so I got a better grip and got them both out of there and round the corner where I put them both down and I leant against the wall, meanwhile Ellie is STILL yelling and shouting and getting madder and madder...when I put her down, she just would not stop screeching and crying and yelling and shouting she wanted to go back and then she started hitting me and I said part of my poem that I had written only yesterday!! 

If you try to hit me I will kiss you on the nose but she was having none of it and she kicked me instead. Maia has calmed down by now and tries to sit on my knee, thank G-d she didn't ask for milk. Whilst I tried not to freak out myself, all I could say was 'I am not going back there with you yelling and screaming and kicking and pushing and hitting me' and she was saying "I am not going to stop until we go back" but I felt that I just could not go, she was really freaking out, melt-downing and not calming down enough. Then it started to bloody rain! I did not feel able to go back to the restaurant cos she was still freaking out and bawling at me aahhh ahhh wide open anger. So I just get up and say 'right come on' and walked them back to the centre. I quickly peeked my head in to get Barry, thankfully he hadn't gone in yet because I did not want to have to go inside cos Ellie was still yelling and shouting. So he comes out and I try to explain what had gone on. Anyway we all managed to go inside the centre and be very quiet and play upstairs and afterwards we ALL went for something to eat. I just did not feel strong enough to try again without Barry. He said I did the right thing by not going back to the cafe cos she was controlling me with her demand of going back then calming down, rather than the other way round. Frankly I couldn't face going back anyway, didn't feel strong enough. 

As an aside I also felt bad that we had interrupted his grieving in that way and was hesitant to go get him but I didn't know how else to cope with it. As it turned out he was still waiting when we descended so it gave me a chance to get some space and go put money in the meter and calm down.

Meltdowns - oh boy
Losing the Plot - not so much
Breastfeeding - not so much surprisingly 

May the Force bugger off

We have two weeks, two weeks of not forcing Maia to get up in the morning, not forcing Maia to get dressed in the morning, not forcing Maia to get into her car seat in the morning, not forcing Maia to get dressed again in the afternoon, not forcing Maia to get into her car seat again in the afternoon.

By not forcing Maia, I mean spending an inordinate amount of time asking Maia to get dressed, asking Maia to choose her clothes which she usually won't, so I have to, asking Maia to come over here so I can help her get dressed because I need her help her do it because my pain is so bad I can't chase after her, bend down to her properly, or generally move properly. So I become frustrated and agitated and eventually end up essentially holding her down in order to get her clothes on whilst simultaneously screaming that its impossible to get her dressed if she doesn't help a little bit. - I have recently seen Maia dress herself a couple of times, so I know she can. I think the offer of going somewhere she wanted to was on the table and so she needed to be dressed. 

By not forcing Maia into her car seat I mean, literally grabbing her by whatever I can catch and shoving her into her seat whilst simultaneously shouting about how “I don't understand why she has to make things so difficult, we are going to be late for x, y, z. Its damn near impossible to get you in the seat because of my pain and if you just got in yourself instead of faffing about climbing through to the front, trying to turn it into a game of 'I go in front you goes in back' ad infinitum I wouldn't end up freaking out.” I know its a really long sentence, but it flows really easily off an irate tongue.

This is not how I want to parent, its becoming all to easy to be that shouty mum again.

So two week, two weeks of not having to get up, get dressed, go in the car and be somewhere for a specific time.

G-d Dammit, school is stressing me and my 3year old. And YES I do blame school!!

Now to work on my 'non shouty I need help around the house, stop dropping your crap on the floor, put your dishes in the kitchen, help me empty the dishwasher' mama persona.

Meltdowns - increasing for obvious reasons
Losing the Plot - abound for obvious reasons
Breastfeeding - not so much for obvious reasons

tick tick tick

Third time round is a doozy .  

Its knocked me for six, sure I was nauseous and tired and sick and hormonally crazy with the other two, but this time WOW, I've been supercharged on all angles, at least last time I could function physically and mentally.  I simply don't think my body is strong enough this time round and my mind has long since been fried by illogical toddler behaviour.  I am now simply using random words in my sentences because its easier to think of the real one.  I'd laugh if it wasn't confusing.  The kids are living on soup and hard boiled eggs because you can't burn soup, well you can but it takes a long time and eggs takes even longer.  I am also an expert at getting a sloph in the middle of the day, by literally being unable to move through pain and exhaustion and telling Maia she can join me if she wants!! I found that if I lie still long enough (because I'm asleep), she really will just fall asleep!  

BUT despite all that, I still am in awe of that tiny wee head and that wee mouth that looked as if it was kissing me, either that or saying 'get those sodding ultrasound waves out of my home'.

I think it  might be a boy *gulp*: 

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