I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Saturday, 3 October 2015

��That old devil called......��

Ok I think we need to formulate a care plan. 

Yes yes let's do that but I'm not leaving Millie if she is upset

Well, I think you need to be the leader here. Look at all the other kids settled in.  You may need to use a bit of tough love. 

Ok. I'm not using any type of tough love, I parent a totally different way so I'm not using the other kids as a measure.  I'm not prepared to leave her if she isn't ready as it will cause more problems in long term. 

Millie, come and have ten seconds milk and then I'm going to go and walk the dog. Ok?

....milk...ok mummy you can go now. Bye.

She is always ok for me to leave if it's on her terms. I won't leave unless she is ok with it.

The pressure to abandon is immense.

It's when she says 'I wasn't ready for you to leave yet mummy' when I come back. ��
I know some will think the use of the word abandon is ott....

I don't really think its abandonment btw, I know the staff are lovely. I know I'm not actually leaving her in a box on the street corner. It's Millie who feels it though, it's Millie that needs to get used to it and it's me that cops it! No coincidence her behaviour at home is radically different now to at nursery. And believe it or not I am not self sabotaging or projecting or unconsciously seeping my thoughts into her brain and manipulating her brain in some way. Oh would that I could!! 

I actually would quite like a couple of hours. 

But I have to admit that there gets a point where the effort to preserve Millie's future esteem can become...what's the word?....

The upping of connection need is intense. 

Meltdowns - aaalll over the place from everyone must be changing seasons
Losing the Plot - made conscious effort to remain calm and not annoyed this evening. It worked well. Connection repaired. 
Breastfeeding - milks sleeping. Resting. Having a break. Broken. Ok just ten seconds. What else will make you feel as much comfort and connection? Seriously you can't think of anything???

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

There would have been a perfect moment

There would have been a picture tonight of us in the succah but we forgot.  It would have looked like a really cool family picture. You would have looked at it and maybe thought wow don't they all look like a great happy together family. 

It would have been fake though.

It wouldn't have shown Ellie in a bad mood with me for first sitting on her seat , then at me for not being specific enough about which bowl wasn't hers and making her think it was about a fork, even though she didn't have a fork. It wouldn't have shown Millie upset at not sitting close enough to daddy. It wouldn't have shown Maia not there as she didn't eat much then left to watch tv and me becoming more and more upset at the lack of cohesiveness and quality family time and the constant bickering, fighting and tv watching. 

(Also it's a Yom Tov ��)


Sukkot - Harvest Festival, a Hebrew word meaning "booths" or "huts," refers to the Jewish festival of giving thanks for the fall harvest.  It also commemorates the 40 years of Jewish wandering in the desert after the giving of the Torah atop Mt. Sinai. Sukkot is celebrated five days after Yom Kippur on the 15th of the month of Tishrei, and is marked by several distinct traditions. One, which takes the commandment to dwell in booths literally, is to erect a sukkah, a small, temporary booth or hut. Sukkot (in this case, the plural of sukkah) are commonly used during the seven-day festival for eating, entertaining and even for sleeping.

Barry built his first Succah this year. It should be covered with leaves and decorated with hanging fruit and decorations. We are supposed to eat our meals in here and sleep if possible for 8 days  (it's not possible!).

Meltdowns - really weird nonsensical ones at the moment
Losing the Plot - getting out of hand again
Breastfeeding - still happening. I'm usually ok with it. There needs to be cutbacks now. 

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Who are you again?

I was lying in bed looking at hubby, thinking I haven't looked at him for this long without interruption for a long long time. Feels like forever. Like actually looking directly at him. Not loading the dishwasher and talking. Not passing each other in the hallway on the way to do something. Just direct looking and seeing. 

If felt odd, I don't remember his glasses being so dark and thick. I don't remember his eyes looking so young and tired at the same time. 

It prompted me to work out how many hours during the week do I actually see him. Maths isn't my strong point so it wasn't easy. I think I also made it needlessly complicated as is my habit. 


There are potentially 120hrs in those 5 days when I could see hubby. 
8am-7pm - working 11hrs a day out of house - 55hrs a week
11-7am - sleeping 8hrs a day - 40hrs
Total - 95hrs not seeing each other

That leaves 25hrs a week which is 5hrs a day

5 of those hours don't count because they are the one hour in the morning when neither of us are in the same room at the same time until we say goodbye. Mwah. See you tonight. 

So that's now 20hrs, 10hrs of which don't count because we are getting the kids to bed tag team style until one or both of us falls asleep with their respective kids that they last had to lie with. 

So that's 10hrs a week  2hrs a day. 

But they practically don't count because we are in the same room but we are watching TV or other screens!

So never. We never see each other during the week!! 

The weekends are different. Some weekends we have stuff to do and sometimes it's separate but I've taken the average here. 

48hrs at weekend on average 24 of them are sleeping.  Which leaves potentially 24hrs available which is 12 a day. 4 of them are getting kids to bed so that's 8hrs. On average one or both of us are out the house say 2hrs a day so that's another 4hrs. Which leaves 4hrs at weekend. 

So basically at the moment out of a possible 164hrs for the week, I see my husband about diddly squat!!

It's a good thing we're in this for the long haul!!

Meltdowns - minimal
Losing the Plot - usually about 5.47pm
Breastfeeding - tons and tons

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Camp this year 2015

I'm cold and I wanna be at camp. I'm hungry and I wanna be at camp. I'm tired and I wanna be at camp. I'm watching TV and I wanna be at camp. I wanna be at camp with my friends. I wanna be at camp and be wandering through the woods in the dark to see who might be awake. I wanna be at camp listening to conversations and laughing louder and longer than I've ever laughed before. I wanna be at camp talking to people who listen, singing with people who don't care when I'm out of tune, dancing with the trees, playing with the wind, covered in muck and smelling of woodsmoke. I wanna be at camp.

I wish we lived in the woods and ran about and slept in tents but we don't so you have to brush your hair

Meltdowns - not in the woods
Losing the Plot - hardly at all among friends
Breastfeeding - round the fire

Monday, 22 June 2015

Hubby tells the story with adlib in brackets from me

I was really pleased with the house today, tidied up inside and it looked really nice.  (Grandma and her big sister were coming over). Miri lit the Rayburn last night after yesterday's problems and it was nicely warm, though we commented that it didn't seem as hot. (How foolish we were to think positively about it and decide the blockage must have cleared and it was running better)

About 7pm Miri was in the bath (a skanky left over kids hair washing night type bath, it was warm. It did the job) and I was in the kitchen making dinner for the girls, and I noticed some steam coming out the boiler door cover of the Rayburn.  Then there seemed to be more, and I could smell oil.  I opened the door and saw water coming down, and the more and more came.  The Rayburn was no longer lit and water was now pouring out below the burner.

The kids were watching and I panicked them by chasing them out of the kitchen as I was worried some boiling water might squirt out. (I heard a kerfuffle and pretended not to) Then I turned off the water pump and opened all the cold taps to empty the tank, as the stopcock to the Rayburn is jammed. (At this point I was shouted out the bath by panicked voices, I am naked)

The tank is big and lots of water kept coming.  We were putting down all of our towels to catch it.  (I am still naked) Miri noticed the back hall was flooded and lifted the linoleum. (Still naked but all less panicked) We weren't sure where it was coming from.

Eventually (after an hours naked towelling) the water slowed to a trickle as the tank emptied and finally stopped. (I got dressed)(I then start sweeping the water out the back hall, which brilliantly is made of concrete. Old Farms!! Yay!!!)

Meanwhile I'd called the emergency plumber, who didn't want to come out tonight. It was 10pm by the time the water stopped. (Meanwhile I make hubby call our emergency cover as it's still slowly leaking out the Rayburn and the floor) (Meanwhile I am still towelling the and gathering towels and squeezing towels and loving towels and thanking the G-ds I have SO many damn towels)

Then a different emergency plumber phoned Miri and said he would be with us in 10 minutes.  (Maybe he'd heard about the nakedness??!)

He fitted a stopcock on the pipe leading to the cold water inlet to the Rayburn and cylinder.  That meant we could turn the cold water back on but none would go to the Rayburn or the cylinder.

Then Miri realised we'd need hot water and so the plumber stopped off the pipe leading from the cylinder to the Rayburn, but so that the cylinder would still fill. (I then cheekily asked him to look at our leaking toilet and he said it needed a new syphon and basically the cistern was gubbed when put in, not impressed. Only put in two weeks ago)

All seemed great until we noticed the back hall was flooded again.  My diagnosis is that water is running back from top of the cylinder down the hot flow from the Rayburn to the cylinder.  This would normally flow the other way. (Whilst he was diagnosing, I was yet again towelling and brushing water out the back hall into the byre. I was dressed this time)

(The upshot of the following picture means we have water just no hot water and no Rayburn ��)

Meltdowns - mostly mine
Losing the plot - big time when Ellie punched the newly recovered punch bag into Millie's face which made her fall off her chair and land on the concrete byre floor. 
Breastfeeding - I'm beginning to wonder if it will make me feel better ��

Saturday, 13 June 2015

Here to stay

Hello from beyond the Internet!! We are still not connected and it's probably a good thing. There is SO much to do every day that I would be terribly distracted by being able to communicate with the outside world. Even making a telephone call is difficult as the signal is so rubbish and we don't have a land line yet either!!

When we moved last year to the country from the city I was so full of excitement for every little thing. I made a post of all the things I loved about living in the country. This time, even though there are cool things and I still love living in the country, there is a slight tiny superstitious idiotic hesitation.....A little worry of what if.....a silly minuscule stumbling block that is stopping me getting giddy. I hate that little bit of negativity niggling away at my brain but I am still totally in love with living here, loving the country and not regretting moving here for one iota but I am suppressing my slight fear and am going to work very hard to remove any traces of it.  This time I'm practical. This time I'm super busy sorting and mending and fixing and cleaning and tidying and weeding and strimming and sweeping. So much sweeping!! 

I am motivated again to do all that needs to be done because I know it is ours and some crazy loon isn't going to come along and pull the doormat from under us.  I stopped caring about the other place for the rest of the 8 months we were there. I didn't want to get attached. I stopped calling it by its house name, which had been named by the landlords mother. I didn't put up any of our personal pictures and ornaments and chachtkies. I don't think I even cleaned the kitchen floor....!! 

Even though I'm occupied pretty much 24/7, I am still stopping to notice the amazingness of what we have done and enjoying watching the girls exploring their new environment. 

I read once that taking pictures of life stops your brain from remembering real moments. So, I am making mental images rather than pictorial ones. I am banking memories in my brain instead of in the my phone. Instead of rushing to get that perfect picture, I know they will be many memories, I know there will be loads of mental pictures....

Because this time, this is our FOREVER HOME. 

I can't wait for you to come and visit.....!!

Meltdowns - Millie is going through something and melting all over the place
Losing the plot - very frustrating having a mega clingy whining toddler when I have SO much to do
Breastfeeding - "I only want a little bit" for the hundredth time