I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Thursday, 2 October 2014

The answer is boob not 42

I don't think I would be able to parent my two yr old without the boob. I really don't know how non bf'ing mums do it. They must have extra patience and strength stored away instead or something. 

She uses the comfort of my boob for SO many things all day and through the night. 

Even though our bf'ing relationship is not always plain sailing, and I often want to run away screaming when she asks for the 4th time that hour, I am seriously relieved she has a way to deal with her life trials and tribulations at this time.

Meltdowns - seemingly from nowhere 
Losing the plot - gradually 
Breastfeeding - is the answer to all of it

Sunday, 21 September 2014

The chalk drawings are gone :(

Right. It's time to deal with my big pants and get on with it. Shit happens. We still have to live here for the time being until we move. I have to forget I was starting to feel happy and content and was making this place a home. I have to keep looking out of the window and love the view and the garden and the work I have done on it and not think about what we have to leave behind. I have to keep the house from degenerating into a child-made hovel!

I have to remember we are fortunate and very thankful to have the opportunities to be able to stay in the country. We *are* staying in the country. I couldn't bear to return to a city housing estate. I've had a taste of the life I have always wanted and I totally loved the time I was here. Green space. Nature. Relative seclusion (minus crazy farmer types) Fires. Independence and exploration for the girls. 

The girls. Ah, the girls. They now fear the farmer. They hide from the farmer. They need reassurance that the farmer can't hurt us. They need to hear me talk about how the farmer is a sad lonely man (who probably wasn't breastfed!) and not a man to be scared of and not a man who can harm us in any way. 

I'm so gutted at the thought of packing and clearing this house. Not just for the hard work of it but for this house we thought we felt a bond with a sense of déjàvu and feeling of being settled. 

I know ultimately it's for the best, we would have never felt secure here with the possibility of two months notice at any random moment, for any ridiculous crappy reason, rather than the four we have just now. Let's be realistic too. There is no way I could have kept up this level of cleanliness tidyness and gardenness without losing the will to live. 

We are not going to be homeless, if needs be, we will rent again and whilst we look for our own dream home.  We have the possibility of a new place already, It has many positives and a few major negatives. It's not the same ruralness but it has an incredible garden. It has no real fires but that can be a project. It is on a main road but it's a great size. It has a freaky layout but it is a roof over our heads.

So, for now I need to try and be ok with things, right now I need to stop my brain from moany spiralling, right now we are healthy and we have a kick ass full wood shed!!

I WILL be that happy again.

Meltdowns - could do without
Losing the Plot -  could do without
Breastfeeding - could do without

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Silver Cloud and shit like that


That fucking impending doom of shite other foot dropping bollox that I have been feeling has finally happened. After finding out a good friend died suddenly on Monday, I thought maybe that was is, but I knew it wasn't.  I had always known she would die, I have a whole book I could write about her.  It will have to wait now. She was unbelievable.  We all loved her. 

Anyway, I tried to ignore the feeling. I tried to excuse it as collywobbles and past insecure experiences. I was going to write a blog post about the feeling and how I was really trying embrace the fucking positive and get over old scripts. How I was overcoming my insecurities and living my life again. I should have listened to my instincts. 

He wants us out in January.  He hasn't given a proper reason says it's too much hassle. Basically, he doesn't have to give a reason. He's not renewing the lease.

Now to find something better than this place which has damp problems, a shitty sink drainer that pools, a tiny gap to get out of the kitchen and no fucking space on the counters, insecure living arrangements that could be terminated at any time with one months notice AND FUCK YOU COLERAINE!!

I'm over the shock. I'm going to make it work. I just hope the girls can cope. Fuck I was just starting to feel almost ok again. Not depressed, stressed and sad. I hope this works out. At least we made the move out of suburgatory. We are in the country now and we are staying. 

He told me to be a real mother and take my kids to the play park and to get a gate to lock them in. He complained about everything and wanted his garden in better condition than when we got it.  He has NO idea about raising children consciously and has way too high expectations. If you ever hear of someone thinking of moving to MosCOW, steer them clear. Tell them to run a mile. Don't even imagine you could try and make it work. 

Moving ultimately is the best plan it's just such a fucking nightmare!

I want to trash the fucking garden. I spent practically the whole day there yesterday. I'm gonna dump the weeds back in. The fucker.  

So up yours farmer grumpy. You can swivel on your fly infested, damp smelling, manky water house. 

The Berlow-Jackson's are moving in to better pastures. 

I knew the chocolate cake would come in handy!

Meltdowns - increasing
Losing the Plot - on the up
Breastfeeding - thinking about a playground flashmob :0

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

I just want ower side milk

10.50am Decide to do some gardening
Get tools
Sit down to weed
Millie needs a poo
Come back to garden
Millie 'helps'
Clear Millie mess
Stick fork in ground
Millie wants on
Clear some weeds
Millie wants her ride-on 
Clear more weeds
Millie starts removing bulbs 
Put bulbs back
Millie wants milk
11.15am sit and listen to music in sunny garden whilst feeding Millster

<3 Roll with it. The best years of Millie's life <3

What are you trying to do today?

Saturday, 30 August 2014

FB or bust: plug me in please

On my very very slow journey of self discovery, happiness and learning not to 'give a fuck' and be that strong confident mum I profess to want to be on my blog title, I am finding myself conflicted. 

The last time I came off Facebook for a few weeks, we found a new home! I've now been off for nearly a couple of months enjoying that new home!! Part of me really thinks the FB break gave me the time to contemplate the situation and then deal head on with hubby about our living arrangements.  I keep imagining what would have happened if I had just carried on complaining on FB about the old place and the neighbours and the this and the that and just carried on putting up with my situation hoping things would get better. I know for a fact that the support I received on FB also spurred me on to making a change. And there is my quandary.

For a start, the repetitive nature of FB (seeing the same memes and articles) irrationally irritates me. I keep wanting to shout 'where have you been? I knew/saw/laughed/gasped at that aaaaaaaages ago'. 

The different time zones and paces of life on FB means I sometimes miss connecting with certain people and then it's becomes hard to follow their story. There's a lot to catch up on sometimes and feels hard to ask 'WTF? are you talking about' because most people have limited time and that kind of question requires longer responses and an actual real time dialogue! 

Apparently, 'I haven't been on FB for a millisecond' isn't an adequate excuse anymore! Soon it will be streamed live into our brains and diminish the capacity for original thought. 

The other annoying thing with the time zones is I end up staying on FB for so much longer than I had planned because I want to scroll right back through the whole day or two or however long I was away from it just to catch up with all sides of the globe.  I acknowledge that this is probably a 'my addictive personality' annoying thing rather than entirely FB's fault but I do think FB has a lot to answer for too. It's a bit like giving a gambler a freebie at the casinos every so often. 

Hello my name is Miriam and I am a FB addict. 

The final thing about FB is, it is very very hard to have an opinion and keep it without someone somewhere getting really nasty shit on you because they disagree with you. It's uncalled for and doesn't really happen in real life, does it?. That level of nasty can be quite upsetting at times especially for someone as emotional and sensitive as I am realising I am. 

Anyway for all those negatives, I keep coming back to the one crucial crutch that keeps FB going....

Being off the main wall and my groups has been good for me and my addictive personality but I'm finding I'm really missing connecting with my FB friends. 

I have been so busy with the moving and the summer holidays and the country life that it's only in the rare quiet moments do I realise, I am still quite isolated here and it was comforting having all my FB friends, some who are now IRL friends, so 'on hand'.  

My quest to find new friendships here is a slow going process and with the kids back at school the quiet moments are becoming longer.  

So that's my quandary. I don't know what to do! 

What did people do before???!

I used to be a prolific letter writer. If you fancy becoming pen-pals with us. Drop me an email: Miripips@hotmail.com 
My girls love sending wee letters to friends. 

Even better...want to come for a visit? Having a shot of the electric chainsaw is mandatory!!

Meltdowns: sister frustrations
Losing the Plot: the air is really doing me good
Breastfeeding: and gardening

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

It's not about you

Even after all these years my mum is still quite defensive about my parenting style. 

She has kindly offered to be with Millie for 4 hours whilst I do my breastfeeding training course. It's the longest Millie has been away from me (not including daddy) and it's a whole new experience for her. 

Last week was her first week and even though she ended up having a lovely day with my mum, she still expressed the desire not to be left without me. She wasn't distraught or upset about it happening, but she made it clear she wasn't too chuffed about it. Talking about this week she again, simply and clearly and expectantly, told me she didn't want me to go. I went through similar with my other girls at nursery but they were older. 

The night before, I was trying to explain to mum that I would see how she reacted. I would bring her over with an expectation that she would stay but that I knew she wasn't keen. I received the usual 'oh they need to get used to not being with you' line. 

For our family, the premise of an emotionally secure, happy, confident, capable child is based on a healthy attachment to a primary caregiver. Early years attachment has far reaching positive consequences for the child. 

In order for this to effectively work, the child needs to feel secure and confident that their primary caregiver is available and capable of providing for their needs. For a newborn, this equates to almost 24/7 care (practical, emotional and boobal!!) and constant reassurance that they won't be abandoned or left to fend for themselves. Newborns needs are constant and demanding! 

As a child grows, so too does their confidence and security and comfort level at being left with a secondary caregiver. A child first needs to have dependence which leads to codependence which will eventually lead to healthy independence. 

In the absence of the main caregiver, the child needs to know the secondary caregiver has the abilities and skills in order to help them feel comfortable and secure in their situation. This relationship takes time to develop and for a young child to get to that point may take some time. 

Prematurely severing attachment has long term consequences. Rushing the attachment/detachment process at a young age, can lead to connection problems, which can manifest in what are generally termed 'behaviour problems'.  Whenever there are ongoing issues (or meltdowns) it is usually down to connection. 

It's always good to be reminded that the long term goal, really does takes longer!!

So back to my situation, whilst *I* know my mum loves Millie and they have a great time together, and as my mum said she can manage if Millie becomes upset, I had to remind her that this isn't about me and it isn't about her. This is about seeing it from Millie's point of view. This is about Millie feeling secure and ready to be separated for an extended period of time from me.

Although I didn't say this out loud, it is also definitely not about 'managing' or 'dealing with' an upset child!!

I am in the fortunate position that it's not truly necessary for her to stay as she is able to come with, so she has the opportunity to ease into the transition.  

I feel great pain towards those that truly are unable, yet want to be with their child. It must take a lot of instinct squashing and heartache to do especially when even younger.

Had that option not been available and she were to become more adamant or distraught at me leaving, I would need to listen to her and re-evaluate our arrangement. I would most likely need to reconsider the course for another time. 

Dismissing her feelings or denying her emotions are not conducive to a happy secure Millie. Or a happy relaxed me.  It more often than not leads to a more needy girly who requires additional connection to feel balanced again. 

Losing the plot - mainly over sibling rivalry. Must reread'finish' the book. 
Meltdowns - few and far between...today
Breastfeeding - doin' a course. I'm gonna be legit not just some boob shoogling loony!!