......

......
I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Food food glorious.....fuck off

I've had it up to here ^^^ with the girls and their ridiculous food fussiness, I'm sick of making food that doesn't get eaten or refusing foods they ate only the other day or eating the same crappy pasta, waffles or veggie sausages. 




So yesterday, when they came home from school I said this is what's going to happen. We are going to walk the dog then when we come back, there will be no tv (another contentious issue) and I'm taking each of you into the kitchen and you are going to make your dinner, with my help. Well Ellie decided she wanted pasta (*sigh*) and a tomato based sauce which she opened splattered all over the kitchen and ate half of before changing her mind and going for pesto. So she folks her pasta, adds chopped tomato and goes off happily. Maia decides she wants chips and mini waffles, I can't persuade her to add anything to it, so it's done. She lies on the floor in the kitchen waiting for ten mins to pass, turns them over, then waits some more. All good. Perhaps?


Today I tried the same approach. Millie wanted scrambled eggs. She will usually eats whatever I make and loves to help make it so she is not a problem. Maia says she wants scrambled eggs too but just as I'm spooning it onto the plate she changes her mind and walks away. I call her several times that her lunch is in the table but she ignores me. I go into the living room and say 'why are you ignoring me, that just makes me really upset. Your lunch is on the table'. She eats a few mouthfuls and says she is full. Rileydog is happy. 



Ellie comes into the kitchen and says she doesn't like this new way. She wants waffles. I ask her to get them and put the oven on. She hasn't done it so far. 


Im at a loss with what to do. I hate standing in the kitchen with literally no clue what to make only to have it not eaten. I thought they would enjoy spending the time with me doing cooking stuff but seriously my kids are on a lazy town making mummy crazy path and there's no stopping them.



I'm sick of being treated like the skivvy. I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of being under appreciated. I'm sick of having to shout at them before they hear me and I'm sick of them still ignoring me even when I am shouting at them. Most of all I'm sick of my behaviour always directly affecting theirs. Can't I be in a mood without them reacting to it. I hate the pressure. I have to be calm and rational when they kick off!!


Suffice to say things are a bit of a mess down this way just now and I'm flailing. 


Meltdowns - instantaneous at the moment

Losing the plot - sarcasm switch needs breaking 

Breastfeeding - OMFG leave me alone 



Wednesday, 29 October 2014

All about the bass

It's all about that mummy
'Bout that mummy, not daddy
It's all about that mummy
'Bout that mummy, not daddy
It's all about that mummy
'Bout that mummy, not daddy
It's all about that mummy
'Bout that mummy


Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boob boob that all my babies chase
And all the right milk in all the right places


It's all about that mummy
'Bout that mummy, not daddy
It's all about that mummy
'Bout that mummy, not daddy
It's all about that mummy
'Bout that mummy, not daddy
It's all about that mummy
'Bout that mummy


...rest to be thought about when I have a chance....

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Scary? Spooky? FUN!!!

I'm delighted the girls knew where the Halloween decorations were amongst the half unpacked boxes from moving in and the half packed boxes from moving out. I was going to give it a miss this year. I'm usually all up for it and love it more than them but I wasn't in the mood to search. I'm not really in the mood for any of it. The costumes. The sweetie buying. The going out. I'm psyching myself up to get on with it just for the girls sake. 





The decorations can't be hung from the ceilings as in previous years as we can't risk anything that would cause the landlord to have a conniption fit and charge us for supposed damage. So we stuck them to windows and other surfaces of furniture that's ours. I think it's less cool not hanging down over their heads, but they don't seem to mind.  It also resulted in a wee arts and crafts time as the girls made some more to add to the collection.



Part of me still gets a horrible flashback to the Halloween where social services turned up to assess us over some ridiculous nonsense and made veiled references to the decorations being too scary and were they perhaps a bit grown up for them!! I practically laughed in their faces. Halloween = Scary decorations!!!!! Well it does in our home where the girls love scary and freaky and all things spooooooooky!!



I was pleased we found and did them because I feel it's important that things carry on the way they always have to give the girls security and continuity and enjoyment amidst the chaos and uncertainty. 

The girls are happily playing werepuppy and puppyghosts amidst their supply decorations. It's all good!








Meltdowns - increasing
Losing the Plot - so so hard to hold it in
Breastfeeding - she is cutting down, I'm noticing it!!!

Friday, 24 October 2014

Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Once upon a time there was a story. The worlds a mess. Everything's a mess. We're all fucked. The internet shows us every last bit of it. It shows us all the time for everything and everyone. There's too many all the time all at once. It's too much to heal. It's too much to fix. Everyone. Everywhere. Fucked. Flood the internet with bullshit flowers or bullshit poems or bullshit art or bullshit. All to cover up the mess. 



Once upon a time there was a story. The news is full of stories. The stories are read. The news is over. Yesterday's stories are today's chips. The story is told. The story is forgotten. The end.

We probably have a home to move in to! A really cool one with an amazing garden. It's not dream home location, it might cost a small fortune to heat and it needs a fireplace. I know I'm fortunate. I know I should be ecstatic but I'm scared to be happy. You know, just in case it all goes bolloxed again. 




So let the packing commence.




Meltdowns - coming from all fucking angles 
Losing the plot - head exploding gut wrenching
Breastfeeding - aaaaarrrggghhhh!!


Thursday, 2 October 2014

The answer is boob not 42



I don't think I would be able to parent my two yr old without the boob. I really don't know how non bf'ing mums do it. They must have extra patience and strength stored away instead or something. 



She uses the comfort of my boob for SO many things all day and through the night. 






Even though our bf'ing relationship is not always plain sailing, and I often want to run away screaming when she asks for the 4th time that hour, I am seriously relieved she has a way to deal with her life trials and tribulations at this time.





Meltdowns - seemingly from nowhere 
Losing the plot - gradually 
Breastfeeding - is the answer to all of it


Sunday, 21 September 2014

The chalk drawings are gone :(

Right. It's time to deal with my big pants and get on with it. Shit happens. We still have to live here for the time being until we move. I have to forget I was starting to feel happy and content and was making this place a home. I have to keep looking out of the window and love the view and the garden and the work I have done on it and not think about what we have to leave behind. I have to keep the house from degenerating into a child-made hovel!


I have to remember we are fortunate and very thankful to have the opportunities to be able to stay in the country. We *are* staying in the country. I couldn't bear to return to a city housing estate. I've had a taste of the life I have always wanted and I totally loved the time I was here. Green space. Nature. Relative seclusion (minus crazy farmer types) Fires. Independence and exploration for the girls. 

The girls. Ah, the girls. They now fear the farmer. They hide from the farmer. They need reassurance that the farmer can't hurt us. They need to hear me talk about how the farmer is a sad lonely man (who probably wasn't breastfed!) and not a man to be scared of and not a man who can harm us in any way. 

I'm so gutted at the thought of packing and clearing this house. Not just for the hard work of it but for this house we thought we felt a bond with a sense of déjàvu and feeling of being settled. 


I know ultimately it's for the best, we would have never felt secure here with the possibility of two months notice at any random moment, for any ridiculous crappy reason, rather than the four we have just now. Let's be realistic too. There is no way I could have kept up this level of cleanliness tidyness and gardenness without losing the will to live. 



We are not going to be homeless, if needs be, we will rent again and whilst we look for our own dream home.  We have the possibility of a new place already, It has many positives and a few major negatives. It's not the same ruralness but it has an incredible garden. It has no real fires but that can be a project. It is on a main road but it's a great size. It has a freaky layout but it is a roof over our heads.


So, for now I need to try and be ok with things, right now I need to stop my brain from moany spiralling, right now we are healthy and we have a kick ass full wood shed!!

I WILL be that happy again.


Meltdowns - could do without
Losing the Plot -  could do without
Breastfeeding - could do without