Moving On

I used to end my blogs with:-

Meltdowns -

Losing the plot -

Breastfeeding -

I haven't done it for ages, partly because I haven't been able to properly write for a few years now but also, I'm no longer breastfeeding. Times have moved on, the girls are older but their basic needs and wants havent changed.  I just can't fix everything so easily with my amazing boobs!!

Meltdowns are pretty much a normal every day occurrence now with 3 kids, a busy life and not everyone's needs and wants always being met. With eldest's diagnosis of Aspergers those earlier meltdowns make much more sense and I am thankful for reading The Continuum Concept by Jean Leidloff as my starter book for understanding my baby's needs and wants. 

I am grateful for all the other gentle parenting books and techniques and advice from like minded friends for allowing my children to express and emote and have the freedom to do so without fear of threats, punishment or negative discipline. For helping me understand that meltdowns are a communication and it's up to me as their mother to figure out what is being melted over me!! Sometimes I'm able to sort it and sometimes I'm not and that's also ok! 

Losing the Plot: I'm much more accepting and way more able to justify and so am slightly less guilty about my plot losings!! They still occur, of course, but come on, I deserve a break don't I?!! Anyway as a mum of 3 lovely kids, I think I lost my plot a long time ago!!! 

Breastfeeding: After almost 4500 days of constant (often hourly and sometimes continuously for hours) breastfeeding, my boobs are now mine again. I'm quite happy for my hubby to enjoy them again too!! 𝩀  I don't feel like my boobs have had enough touching, sucking, pawing and exposing or if you even look at my boobs Mr Hubby, you'll be for it. They did feel like that sometimes, especially when I was tandem feeding. 

No longer are they pretty much solely for the nourishment and development of my babies. I miss how breastfeeding calmed down pretty much any situation and I love knowing that they had healthy in their bodies for at least 3yrs (two of them 5yrs) before they began to fill them with the not so healthy they have now. Breastfeeding wasn't always kisses and rainbows, there's been difficulties days and dark days and guilty days and sore days and OMFG I can't do this anymore days but they were always comforting days for my kids. I will miss breastfeeding. 

Meltdowns - ketchup related

Losing the Plot - ketchup related

Breastfeeding - almost a distant memory, but I'll never really forget and the girls will carry the effects forever

Radical or Woman

I'm beginning to think I may be a radical feminist as well as a lactivist and even though I'm just a wannabe unschooler, I'm definitely a CC/AP parent and I'm starting to be actually quite settled with my choices these days. I'm not trying to deliberately hurt anyone, I'm not hating anyone, I feel I'm promoting more protection and understanding of children. I'm not enticing anyone to be evil.

I have to say though I'm not too sure with having a radical since it has such a negative connotation these days. With the actual definition of radical though, I'm happy with that. 

In the beginning women who wanted to wear trousers were radical. Women who wanted to vote were radical. Women who want to drive. Women who want to marry AND work. Women who want to have abortions, go to university, have bank accounts. Women who don't want to be raped or beaten within marriage and fight against the law. 

It all starts with women, women feeling undervalued, diminished and unequal. 

Let's remember what 'radical' feminism has achieved for women's rights and still is. Let's remember what women have fought and struggled for and still do in many countries. Let's remember what women had to and still sometimes do have to endure during pregnancy and labour and marriage and let's not forget that many women died for these causes. 

If I'm a radical, then so be it. I prefer woman. 

Woman who sees injustice and wants to see change.

Gender Awareness and ASD

This increased awareness and knowledge is all well and good but right now, to me, it just feels like a huge dump of information at a time when my child is at her most vulnerable and a lot of jumping on the bandwagon. It's such a difficult situation to explain without sounding homophobic or unacceptable or in the wrong, its a minefield.

I really feel Ellie has been massively influenced by it all as she entered high school but I don't know how to speak about it without sounding wrong. I need to be clear that I have no issues with whatever my kids eventually identifies as, I'm just saying I find it all so intense and as an up and coming female ASD teenager, I can see how easily influenced she can be and how the need to be accepted is paramount.

She had absolutely no awareness or interest in anything to do with gender or sexuality or relationships prior to high school, she never talked about any of it, never indicated any preference or anything like that and now she hardly talks of anything else unless it's gender or sexuality related. I feel she has suddenly been bombarded with it at school and because its a marginalised society and because she is on the spectrum, and so very easily influenced by her peers, this group feels accepting of her differences as an ASD teenager since they are all kind of struggling with feeling 'different' too. They are more tolerant of her idiosyncrasies.

As it is, they are getting to that age where acceptance and tolerance over anything, not just gender and sexuality, are the most difficult.

Maybe I'm worrying over nothing, maybe there should be a term for us parents who experiences this entirely new situation. I am delighted she has finally found a group of accepting and kind friends. I do know it's all going to be OK whatever she eventually decides and we will support her all the way.

It's just so full on and she told me she only went over to the stand because of the colourful rainbow flag.

Feelings. Fuck em. Burn them all. Burn all the feelings.

How could I be so insensitive and selfish and greedy and self-absorbed  and stupid and crazy and delusional and ungrateful?

I sometimes feel people are thinking these thing's or variations of these when they see me with three kids already but wanting another baby. All part of sentences some people say and things I have heard. Insensitive to those who can't, should be grateful for what I have, selfish for wanting to add to population,  crazy for wanting another. I feel guilty for wanting and terrible for obsessing, I feel desperate and scared, I feel useless and over needed, I feel aimless and stuck. I'm overwhelmed with all of it and it's constantly changing. I feel all over wrong for everything.

Now what?

Even Though

1.1.19

Even though I'm not thinking about it. Even though I'm working on not obsessing on it. Even though I know my period ended a few days ago and even though I'm not counting or working things out and even though I know my 24-48 hour window of fertility is coming up very soon and even though I am not peeing on the ovulation stick every morning, night and a few of the hours in between and even though I am trying not to let my anxiety take over and even though I'm trying to reduce my stress levels and even though I am not looking at my fertility app two or three times a day and even though I know it says I will ovulate tomorrow and even though I am not not not obsessing and focusing all my nervous energy on consciously conceiving and even though none of this is happening and I'm not doing any of it and even though I know that my due date this time around might be my mums bday not because I look at the due date calculator web page every other day.

Even though I know and don't know any of this, I don't and I'm not because I'm not letting it take over my thoughts or life or anything that ridiculous.

#notdoingthat
#notthinkingaboutit
#notobsessing
#honest