I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Story of my life...


And we all know what I mean when I say doing stuff!! The kind of stuff where you just know you are thinking 'thank G-d it's not my kids'. Yup. Those are my kids. Thank them, if you get the chance, for taking the pressure off your day for a brief moment and feeling like your day is manageable. I reckon I'm performing a public service for parents everywhere taking my kids out in public!!!


Friday, 20 November 2015

Food it's not fun yet

I'm all in a food kerfuffle. Have any of you heard about the spit test for thrush? I have no vaginal symptoms but itchy feet and majorly itchy scalp. The woman who did my colonic last Saturday told me about the spit test. Morning spit in water if it starts to streak down you have thrush....

...does everyone have yeast and some have an overgrowth and a problem?

I have basically for the last month stopped carbs (bread, rice, pasta etc) and of course refined sugar since May. 

The thrush diet is no mushrooms quorn dairy sugar so I would have nothing left to eat!! 

I basically am only eating protein dairy and fat just now and creamy mushrooms!!

I wish I wasn't so easily influenced by all the sensible sounding ways of eating.  

I've lost a stone which is great and my blood sugars are steadily lowering and remaining in the diabetic safe zone most of the time  (except for times of mega stress). I've reduced my medication back to two tablets a day. Sometimes only one if I forget!

It's been hard but I've kept at it. I'm still feeling tired but definitely not as much. Still getting mood swings but not nearly as bad. 

I feel obsessed with food again, a place I hate being in. Some days I get so overwhelmed with the thought of what to eat, how many carbs are in things, how many have I had, what's the weight of this, what's the percentage of that and the whole cooking thing that I end up not eating or eating late or just having Greek yoghurt and raspberries. As you all know numbers are not my strong point. 

My sister has gone all gung-ho with the low carb practically no carb diet after finding a knowledgeable woman called Mary Kemp who says diabetes can be reversed with a proper diet and she's finding it so easy and lost loads of weight and keeps her blood sugars in check really well. She can't understand why I'm not finding it as easy as her. She's not very tolerant of weakness. She was only pre diabetic and not on meds so is closer to maintaining than I am. 

Basically I'm not feeling great about the whole food and health thing again. And now this thrush protocol. 

I'm too scared to talk to my doc because NHS guidelines recommend at least 3 times the amount of carbs and say bread rice pasta etc is all ok as long as brown or wholewheat or whatever. And the diabetic nurse already said u was making things complicated and the group diabetes session basically recommends eating things that are 5g or less. 

No carb totally makes sense and I'm doing it its just that I think I'm blocked mentally somehow or worried I'm making things worse or something. Something is not allowing me to just get on. 

Sorry for ramble. 

Meltdowns - had quite a lot of 'I hate you' from 8yr old
Losing the plot - beyond exasperated 
Breastfeeding - yes. Still. 

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Brings out the worst in people

I have had hostility and  condemnation thrown at me all week and I'm here to tell you I'm not taking any more of it. 

Hostility because of my different beliefs regarding what I eat and what I will and won't put on and in my body. I have educated and informed myself and made decision with regards to ethical, moral and health concerns. 

The fact is, it's my choice and your hostility only furthers my beliefs that your ignorance has no place in my life. 

Furthermore, the fact that I am Zionist does not give you the right to condemn me and vilify me and overtly blame me for all and any terrorist attacks that have occurred recently or will do in the future. When you think that me being a Jewish means I also think Palestinian citizens deserve to be treated in a certain way then it is you who needs to reevaluate your core beliefs and stop being antisemitic and stop believing propaganda. 

YOUR inciting hatred and disgraceful behavior is the reason there is so much pain, anger and hurt in the world.

Take your lunacy elsewhere.



Saturday, 7 November 2015

Beautifully Awesome Monster

It's that time of night when I sit all alone for longer than a nanosecond.  Hubby gets older two to bed where he often falls asleep till later, and I watch a really cool film or programme. 

Invariably there are characters interacting as mother-daughter or father-daughter or a character that's had a father or a mother. 

It either makes me feel like the worst mum in the world or the best. I think well at least I'm not as bad as *that* mum or OMG I need to be more like her.  Or I think, I wonder what kind of mother HE had to end up like THAT!! She was either awesome or a monster. 

It's also how I sometimes feel when on FB and in real life. 

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking how much therapy is going to cost for my kids when they are older or maybe I should just do it now, group therapy. Maybe that'd do it. Sort us out. Stop the fighting. The resentment. The shouting. The slavery feeling. The dealing with the oftentimes overwhelming high emotions that encompass my day. Of a toddler. Of a 7yr old and of a 9yr old and of a 42yr old. Lots of emotions and feelings. The relentlessness of it all!!!

And then half way through the film, Millie wakes up and if I don't fall asleep, I manage to finish the film and I then spend the rest of the night thinking how I'm going to be a better mum tomorrow.

Meltdown - spending all day navigating around them and through them and over them
Losing the Plot - I think it's lost forever 
Breastfeeding - it had decreased to a manageable level but then illness struck and weeeeeeee up its gone!!


Sunday, 25 October 2015

Articles on diabetes


Diabetes Type 2

It's been over five months since my type2 diabetes diagnosis and in that time I have managed to lower my blood levels from 9.7% to 5.8% Normal blood level is below 5.5. I have lost 4kg as well. Mainly it has been from stopping eating the massive amounts of chocolate but I've also been slowly tidying up my diet.

I am really really terrible with numbers so understanding the levels and food numbers has been a bit of a mindfuck for me. 

Among the NHS advice is to keep sugar below 5g for everything that you eat. So when the label says carbohydrates - 'of which sugar' I was making sure it was always below 5g. This doesn't take into account that if there is high carbohydrates in the food it is still going to affect my blood sugar. 

The medicine is lowering my blood sugar but it is not stopping the massive dump of insulin into my body when I consume too many carbs. So my blood sugar spikes high and the medicine lowers it. Apparently the high spikes over 7.8 cause small irrevocable damages to your organs which over time contribute to complications associated with diabetes.  So even though my overall blood sugar levels are going down, I am still getting readings that are considered too high and could cause damage. 

In order to work out the percentage of 'potential sugar baddies' in my food, I was introduced to this formula:-

In 100g of food......Carbohydrates multiplied by 4 then divided by calories then multiplied by 100. 

So roughly, 

If the result is below 50 it's sort of ok

If the result is below 30 it will potentially stop cravings since high carb fills you up for less time. 

Basically, the lower the better

NHS guidelines recommend 180g of carbohydrates a day but in order to lower and maintain blood sugar levels without the eventual need for medication, there is a school of thought that suggests eating around 65g of carbohydrates a day is what is required. 

There are a lot of people who believe the NHS blood sugar levels guidelines are too high and is merely maintained with medication but doesn't address the underlying issue of high blood sugar spikes. So diabetics are maintaining their levels way above an actual healthy level which causes longer term health issues. These people manage to lower their blood to non diabetic levels by lowering their carb load. 

Right now, there is lots in the mainstream news regarding taxing sugar because they are now beginning to think that although heart disease and failure is the one that's killing, it's sugars that's precipitating the problems. 

There is a lot of science that I haven't quite got my head round but for now it means no bread no pasta no potatoes and minimal root vegetables  including carrot and sweet potato which although has less than normal potato is still high. 

It also means getting back to way more actually real cooking and away from easy ready cooked processed meals that I've slipped back to because they tend to be high in carbohydrates. 

It means I'm reigning in even more. Tightening my belt again and buckling down to finally sorting out my diabetes. 

It's seriously damn hard especially with kids who won't eat anything I eat and an equally picky husband. The kids are always hungry because they have a very high carb diet. I am going to try for the old if it's not in the house they can't eat it solution, but they get it all at school. In fact I am sure the school already think I starve them because Ellie is always scoffing seconds and thirds. 

It's becoming clear the high carb diet problem has been around since I was a child but that also genetically I was high risk. 

My brother has completely buried his head in the sand over his type2. He hasn't had an HBA1C for a very long time to check his overall blood health. I'm not sure if he is taking his medicine. He's started getting the peripheral nerve damage associated with diabetes. He is still eating lots of takeaways and drinking alcohol. He doesn't smoke and does do exercise which will help but it's not enough. 

 I want to say to my him:- "dad got diabetes then had heart failure, then organ failure then died. Stop messing about with your health"

So, when did you last get your HBA1C checked to see how your overall blood health is doing? Have you ever checked your blood sugar levels one hour after eating high carbs/sugar, then two hours to see how your body deals with it

Saturday, 17 October 2015

If music be the food of love

Music was a big part of my life before kids.  Listening to on repeat, dancing to on repeat, singing to on repeat!!! I always had a song that defined my huge feelings of the time. I'd like to get my music groove back. Without the hands covering my mouth if I dare to sing loudly or the kid pulling at me to stop dancing!!

Sheryl Crow was the soundtrack to my life at a time when I was in transition. About twenty years ago some life devastating thing happened...I can't remember exactly when it was so it could have been one of these..Split from long term boyfriend....dad died......no job...terrible time with housemates.....finished uni, no where to live, nowhere to be or probably a combination of all of that. I stayed with a friend. She was amazing. She had two kids Summer and another with a great name. She was lovely and kind and took me in when I needed refuge. She was from Jersey or Guernsey. I can't believe I can't remember her name or how long I stayed. Maybe it was only a week. Maybe longer. Where did we met? Maybe she was on my course. I can't remember details. Only feelings. (I'm now going to find old diaries and phonebooks to see if I have her name and old address!)

I remember I was being utterly depressed and incapable of anything much and I remember listening to the songs from Sheryl Crow album over and over and over and over and over and over.  I was probably a nightmare person to live with and she probably got rid of me quick smart but all I remember was a hippy vibe of love and acceptance. 

I remember thinking the song was written for me right now, predominantly about the split.  Now, as I listen to it for the first time in ages I think it's relevant right now for being the mother of a toddler and other kids. Lots of kids. So many kids. (Ellie's favourite song at the moment is Little Girls from Annie.) Mainly it's the toddler though. We are fighting. She is angry with me. She is hitting me. She is annoyed with me. She says the word in such a brilliant way... I am AnnOYed at you...and she really is. I'm guessing it's the milk reduction for sake of sanity that I have recently implemented. It could be other things too. Could be the wrong spoon. Or could be the singing. It's toddlerness. 

I've had a friend here and hubby took Friday off, so I've spent a majority of my time being busy and making every possible effort NOT to deal with Millie because we are fighting too much at the moment. I've needed a sanity break. I so needed it and I'm so relieved my friend and hubby were able to provide it. 

Whilst I was listening to the album, Millie came in ready for bed.  I have not seen her much these past few days and I desperately knew we needed to reconnect. 

I really do. I want that person back. I used to be such a fun person to be around. I'll make up for it right now I thought. Glow in the dark make up and one freaked out toddler later I'm having second thoughts about this fun mum moment. Now she's whining I want to go to bed and I'm trying to find fun to remind myself I used to be interesting. It's a losing battle. 

Milk wins. She's tired. My timing sucks as ever. 

As we connect on a cellular boob level I ask for her to look at me. Look in my eyes Millie. 

I love you I tell her as she drifts into breastfeeding bliss. 

I have to believe it will all work out beautifully.
It has to. 

Meltdowns - too many to mention 
Losing the plot - too embarrassed to mention
Breastfeeding - too much too much Dear Lord it's too much 

*Edit: Since starting writing this and finishing it a few hours later, I've remembered her name was Deborah. 

Saturday, 3 October 2015

🎡That old devil called......🎡

Ok I think we need to formulate a care plan. 

Yes yes let's do that but I'm not leaving Millie if she is upset

Well, I think you need to be the leader here. Look at all the other kids settled in.  You may need to use a bit of tough love. 

Ok. I'm not using any type of tough love, I parent a totally different way so I'm not using the other kids as a measure.  I'm not prepared to leave her if she isn't ready as it will cause more problems in long term. 

Millie, come and have ten seconds milk and then I'm going to go and walk the dog. Ok?

....milk...ok mummy you can go now. Bye.

She is always ok for me to leave if it's on her terms. I won't leave unless she is ok with it.

The pressure to abandon is immense.

It's when she says 'I wasn't ready for you to leave yet mummy' when I come back. πŸ’”
I know some will think the use of the word abandon is ott....

I don't really think its abandonment btw, I know the staff are lovely. I know I'm not actually leaving her in a box on the street corner. It's Millie who feels it though, it's Millie that needs to get used to it and it's me that cops it! No coincidence her behaviour at home is radically different now to at nursery. And believe it or not I am not self sabotaging or projecting or unconsciously seeping my thoughts into her brain and manipulating her brain in some way. Oh would that I could!! 

I actually would quite like a couple of hours. 

But I have to admit that there gets a point where the effort to preserve Millie's future esteem can become...what's the word?....

The upping of connection need is intense. 

Meltdowns - aaalll over the place from everyone must be changing seasons
Losing the Plot - made conscious effort to remain calm and not annoyed this evening. It worked well. Connection repaired. 
Breastfeeding - milks sleeping. Resting. Having a break. Broken. Ok just ten seconds. What else will make you feel as much comfort and connection? Seriously you can't think of anything???

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

There would have been a perfect moment

There would have been a picture tonight of us in the succah but we forgot.  It would have looked like a really cool family picture. You would have looked at it and maybe thought wow don't they all look like a great happy together family. 

It would have been fake though.

It wouldn't have shown Ellie in a bad mood with me for first sitting on her seat , then at me for not being specific enough about which bowl wasn't hers and making her think it was about a fork, even though she didn't have a fork. It wouldn't have shown Millie upset at not sitting close enough to daddy. It wouldn't have shown Maia not there as she didn't eat much then left to watch tv and me becoming more and more upset at the lack of cohesiveness and quality family time and the constant bickering, fighting and tv watching. 

(Also it's a Yom Tov πŸ˜‰)


Sukkot - Harvest Festival, a Hebrew word meaning "booths" or "huts," refers to the Jewish festival of giving thanks for the fall harvest.  It also commemorates the 40 years of Jewish wandering in the desert after the giving of the Torah atop Mt. Sinai. Sukkot is celebrated five days after Yom Kippur on the 15th of the month of Tishrei, and is marked by several distinct traditions. One, which takes the commandment to dwell in booths literally, is to erect a sukkah, a small, temporary booth or hut. Sukkot (in this case, the plural of sukkah) are commonly used during the seven-day festival for eating, entertaining and even for sleeping.

Barry built his first Succah this year. It should be covered with leaves and decorated with hanging fruit and decorations. We are supposed to eat our meals in here and sleep if possible for 8 days  (it's not possible!).

Meltdowns - really weird nonsensical ones at the moment
Losing the Plot - getting out of hand again
Breastfeeding - still happening. I'm usually ok with it. There needs to be cutbacks now. 

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Who are you again?

I was lying in bed looking at hubby, thinking I haven't looked at him for this long without interruption for a long long time. Feels like forever. Like actually looking directly at him. Not loading the dishwasher and talking. Not passing each other in the hallway on the way to do something. Just direct looking and seeing. 

If felt odd, I don't remember his glasses being so dark and thick. I don't remember his eyes looking so young and tired at the same time. 

It prompted me to work out how many hours during the week do I actually see him. Maths isn't my strong point so it wasn't easy. I think I also made it needlessly complicated as is my habit. 


There are potentially 120hrs in those 5 days when I could see hubby. 
8am-7pm - working 11hrs a day out of house - 55hrs a week
11-7am - sleeping 8hrs a day - 40hrs
Total - 95hrs not seeing each other

That leaves 25hrs a week which is 5hrs a day

5 of those hours don't count because they are the one hour in the morning when neither of us are in the same room at the same time until we say goodbye. Mwah. See you tonight. 

So that's now 20hrs, 10hrs of which don't count because we are getting the kids to bed tag team style until one or both of us falls asleep with their respective kids that they last had to lie with. 

So that's 10hrs a week  2hrs a day. 

But they practically don't count because we are in the same room but we are watching TV or other screens!

So never. We never see each other during the week!! 

The weekends are different. Some weekends we have stuff to do and sometimes it's separate but I've taken the average here. 

48hrs at weekend on average 24 of them are sleeping.  Which leaves potentially 24hrs available which is 12 a day. 4 of them are getting kids to bed so that's 8hrs. On average one or both of us are out the house say 2hrs a day so that's another 4hrs. Which leaves 4hrs at weekend. 

So basically at the moment out of a possible 164hrs for the week, I see my husband about diddly squat!!

It's a good thing we're in this for the long haul!!

Meltdowns - minimal
Losing the Plot - usually about 5.47pm
Breastfeeding - tons and tons

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Camp this year 2015

I'm cold and I wanna be at camp. I'm hungry and I wanna be at camp. I'm tired and I wanna be at camp. I'm watching TV and I wanna be at camp. I wanna be at camp with my friends. I wanna be at camp and be wandering through the woods in the dark to see who might be awake. I wanna be at camp listening to conversations and laughing louder and longer than I've ever laughed before. I wanna be at camp talking to people who listen, singing with people who don't care when I'm out of tune, dancing with the trees, playing with the wind, covered in muck and smelling of woodsmoke. I wanna be at camp.

I wish we lived in the woods and ran about and slept in tents but we don't so you have to brush your hair

Meltdowns - not in the woods
Losing the Plot - hardly at all among friends
Breastfeeding - round the fire

Monday, 22 June 2015

Hubby tells the story with adlib in brackets from me

I was really pleased with the house today, tidied up inside and it looked really nice.  (Grandma and her big sister were coming over). Miri lit the Rayburn last night after yesterday's problems and it was nicely warm, though we commented that it didn't seem as hot. (How foolish we were to think positively about it and decide the blockage must have cleared and it was running better)

About 7pm Miri was in the bath (a skanky left over kids hair washing night type bath, it was warm. It did the job) and I was in the kitchen making dinner for the girls, and I noticed some steam coming out the boiler door cover of the Rayburn.  Then there seemed to be more, and I could smell oil.  I opened the door and saw water coming down, and the more and more came.  The Rayburn was no longer lit and water was now pouring out below the burner.

The kids were watching and I panicked them by chasing them out of the kitchen as I was worried some boiling water might squirt out. (I heard a kerfuffle and pretended not to) Then I turned off the water pump and opened all the cold taps to empty the tank, as the stopcock to the Rayburn is jammed. (At this point I was shouted out the bath by panicked voices, I am naked)

The tank is big and lots of water kept coming.  We were putting down all of our towels to catch it.  (I am still naked) Miri noticed the back hall was flooded and lifted the linoleum. (Still naked but all less panicked) We weren't sure where it was coming from.

Eventually (after an hours naked towelling) the water slowed to a trickle as the tank emptied and finally stopped. (I got dressed)(I then start sweeping the water out the back hall, which brilliantly is made of concrete. Old Farms!! Yay!!!)

Meanwhile I'd called the emergency plumber, who didn't want to come out tonight. It was 10pm by the time the water stopped. (Meanwhile I make hubby call our emergency cover as it's still slowly leaking out the Rayburn and the floor) (Meanwhile I am still towelling the and gathering towels and squeezing towels and loving towels and thanking the G-ds I have SO many damn towels)

Then a different emergency plumber phoned Miri and said he would be with us in 10 minutes.  (Maybe he'd heard about the nakedness??!)

He fitted a stopcock on the pipe leading to the cold water inlet to the Rayburn and cylinder.  That meant we could turn the cold water back on but none would go to the Rayburn or the cylinder.

Then Miri realised we'd need hot water and so the plumber stopped off the pipe leading from the cylinder to the Rayburn, but so that the cylinder would still fill. (I then cheekily asked him to look at our leaking toilet and he said it needed a new syphon and basically the cistern was gubbed when put in, not impressed. Only put in two weeks ago)

All seemed great until we noticed the back hall was flooded again.  My diagnosis is that water is running back from top of the cylinder down the hot flow from the Rayburn to the cylinder.  This would normally flow the other way. (Whilst he was diagnosing, I was yet again towelling and brushing water out the back hall into the byre. I was dressed this time)

(The upshot of the following picture means we have water just no hot water and no Rayburn 😭)

Meltdowns - mostly mine
Losing the plot - big time when Ellie punched the newly recovered punch bag into Millie's face which made her fall off her chair and land on the concrete byre floor. 
Breastfeeding - I'm beginning to wonder if it will make me feel better 😳

Saturday, 13 June 2015

Here to stay

Hello from beyond the Internet!! We are still not connected and it's probably a good thing. There is SO much to do every day that I would be terribly distracted by being able to communicate with the outside world. Even making a telephone call is difficult as the signal is so rubbish and we don't have a land line yet either!!

When we moved last year to the country from the city I was so full of excitement for every little thing. I made a post of all the things I loved about living in the country. This time, even though there are cool things and I still love living in the country, there is a slight tiny superstitious idiotic hesitation.....A little worry of what if.....a silly minuscule stumbling block that is stopping me getting giddy. I hate that little bit of negativity niggling away at my brain but I am still totally in love with living here, loving the country and not regretting moving here for one iota but I am suppressing my slight fear and am going to work very hard to remove any traces of it.  This time I'm practical. This time I'm super busy sorting and mending and fixing and cleaning and tidying and weeding and strimming and sweeping. So much sweeping!! 

I am motivated again to do all that needs to be done because I know it is ours and some crazy loon isn't going to come along and pull the doormat from under us.  I stopped caring about the other place for the rest of the 8 months we were there. I didn't want to get attached. I stopped calling it by its house name, which had been named by the landlords mother. I didn't put up any of our personal pictures and ornaments and chachtkies. I don't think I even cleaned the kitchen floor....!! 

Even though I'm occupied pretty much 24/7, I am still stopping to notice the amazingness of what we have done and enjoying watching the girls exploring their new environment. 

I read once that taking pictures of life stops your brain from remembering real moments. So, I am making mental images rather than pictorial ones. I am banking memories in my brain instead of in the my phone. Instead of rushing to get that perfect picture, I know they will be many memories, I know there will be loads of mental pictures....

Because this time, this is our FOREVER HOME. 

I can't wait for you to come and visit.....!!

Meltdowns - Millie is going through something and melting all over the place
Losing the plot - very frustrating having a mega clingy whining toddler when I have SO much to do
Breastfeeding - "I only want a little bit" for the hundredth time