I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Have you tried switching it off and on again?

I feel I'm underachieving all round at the moment. It's been a hard few weeks. Millie has cried a lot this week, not sure what's wrong. Lots of coughing. Lots of boob refusal too.  Probably teething.  It's always teething.   Also, my coccyx still REALLY hurts when I sit down or stand up. The meds for my back don't reach to my bum.

I'm too low and tired to make things work. I never get a moment to take a moment. When I do get a moment I tend to zone out for a bit instead of doing anything creative or productive or I eat or sleep. 

As if to prove my point, just as my mind becomes untangled enough to be able to concentrate and start writing, everyone comes home. The moment is over. I wasted it burning a pancake and watching a film that was out of synch. It was a quirky film and I quite enjoyed it. I might have fully enjoyed it if it had been in synch. 

That's what it feels like at the moment. I am quite enjoying life but not fully, just quite.

I haven't eaten properly. I burnt the second pancake so I gave up. The first was a pile of smoosh cos it was too big for the pan. It's never a good idea for me to be in charge of children when I am tired and hungry. The girls are also full of sugar which doesn't help either. 

It often feels like everything is conspiring against me. Pancakes burning . Out of synch films. Wrong parks. Unseen Trampolining. I really wanted to watch it. I went to an osteopath appointment for Millie instead. She needed that more than I needed trampolining. I really wanted to watch it though. The second chance to watch it and I ended up having couples/family lunch organised by a rabbi at shul. Not sure which *I* needed more. Catch up tv hasn't caught up so I'll have to wait. My needs and wants are second place again. It's not a massive thing. It sort of feels massive though. 

I'm being watched

 I have been living in three children land for 4months today. It's been an unbelievable journey so far. Many highs. Many many lows. Some days I turn round and still can't believe I am a mum. Some days I forget I have three! Some days I can't believe what kind of mum I am and am becoming.

Some days we don't get dressed!

I keep thinking about this meme that's been going around recently. I'm not feeling a great example to my kids just now. That bothers me. They watch my every move.  That freaks me out.

The girls aren't going to bed partly because I'm hungry grumpy and tired. Bed time is always longer and worser when I am not patient loving mama. I know it's confusing and horrible for them when I'm like this. Barry takes over.  I know they want me.  I try to be calm but I don't manage it. Then I apologise and try again but it just doesn't work. Barry takes over again and settles them.

I'm out of synch. 

I think I need reset. 

Meltdowns - completely in synch with whats happening
Losing the Plot - waaay out of synch
Breastfeeding -out of synch

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