One of the difficulties I have is dividing me. One wants me to sit and read, the other wants me to bounce. One is settled with me and the other needs to pee. One wants on the swing the other on the climbing frame. I feel torn and pulled constantly and as if I am not giving enough to one before I have to give to the other.
So, I know I need to work on my connection with Ellie but I chickened out and persuaded Barry to have a DaddyEllie day with her and I spent the morning with Maia instead. Actually, it has probably been for the best. We are clashing so much just now, the break will hopefully do me good. Then I can re-connect with Ellie again.
Spending time with Maia alone has been lovely, she is so calm and strong, explorative and willing. It is not a constant battle with her to do anything, we seem to work well together as a team and at the moment it is effortless. I can feel her asserting her autonomy and own control but it is not overwhelming. I am well aware this can change in an instant and even though she did take almost 3hours to decide she was ready to get dressed, it didn't feel stressy in the process. We played, we ate, we connected, she got dressed and we went for a walk...now she is sleeping and I am calm, its bliss!!
Most days we are all riding high and on the crest of a wave where any false move can send us spiraling. I constantly fret whether Ellie is just being how she is meant to be or am I missing something, doing something, forgotten to do something, need to do more, less....the list goes on. Ellie is my whirlwind girl, I need to be constantly on the ball and ready for action. . Her brain is faster than her body, she always has an extra beat. She forgets small things instantly but has an astonishing memory. She has amazing strength and stamina but knocks things over constantly. She is determined but frustrates instantly. She is thoughtful and careless. She needs and loves rambunctious, physical play but hates being held or touched to be comforted. Even in her sleep she asserts her autonomy. She is strong, she is confident….I need to nurture not quash that.
Tomorrow we have a MummyEllie day.
losing plot several
breastfeeding too much