An Inconvenient Mother

If it feels like an inconvenience and you don’t want to ‘provide support’ then don’t. Say no. Because if you are coming here with the attitude that my parenting style is the thing that is stopping me coping and stopping you providing that support, not the fact that we don’t get much support (because I am sure if we were doing ‘your’ way of parenting we would STILL need support) then I would rather not have it and hear it at all. Well, I sayI would rather not have it, but sometimes I am desperate.

I do all these things because I know how important it is to keep a connection with my children. I know what it feels like to have an emotionally unstable family life. I know how it was for me to cope with life and I know how hard it was for me to find a connection to help me deal with life and I obviously didn’t or wasn’t able to get that from my parents. I don’t want my kids growing up without the ability to cope with whatever life has in store for them and I want them to be able to feel that connection with me and that means living my life the way I do. I do all I can to keep the connection. I am only now learning how to cope with what life throws at me and whilst I get strong and capable I do what I can. I was never given the skills set to cope with life because I was raised by a parent who didn’t have them. I constantly struggle.

I want to feel this strong confident great mum that other people say I am. I am not looking to hear it from others I ACTUALLY want to believe it myself. Sometimes I do, so I know what it feels like. I know it is possible. Sometimes I do feel like I am doing it all wrong, I am shouting too much I am not listening, I am pushing them away when it is clear they need me more and don’t want that. I am forcing my beliefs and fucked up life skills on to them. I am showing them ‘how not to do stuff’ except they see it as ‘how to do it’ I am modelling misplaced anger, over attachment to material possessions, frustration or negative reactions to things they have no control over. I am not accepting of who they are and where they are at. I am diminishing their self belief and confidence that deep in their core they are ok and that they can cope.

In telling them they don’t need me, I am pushing them away and that must feel like rejection. I shouldn’t have to push, if I am pushing they are not ready. If they are not ready and I am pushing then they will not have the life skills and self confidence to believe they can cope. There should be no pushing it should be fluid natural and their decision.

I want to believe that everything I am doing is keeping the connection going for now for the future and for always. They need it the moment they are born, why wouldn’t they. Why would they not want a connected, open understanding, supportive warm loving relationship? 


 IT’S NOT CALLED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR NOTHING.

If I am pushing then it needs to be replaced by something equally as worthy and comforting

If I am pushing weaning

If I am pushing independence

If I am pushing being without me

If I am pushing sleeping alone

If I am pushing nursery

It is because I have chosen to do these things not because it is what they would choose but because I do not have the resources, support and coping abilities to maintain it and this makes me very sad.

losing plot - 1

meltdowns - 3

breastfeeding - yes