Nine months in nine months out IS brilliant

Did you just respond on my wall claiming nonsense on something you know absolutely nothing about? Life is precious and nothing more so than having a life grow inside me. Me!! I am capable of growing an amazing precious incredible life. Sustaining life is bloody hard work. A life that takes over your whole self and being. A small life that changes everything. Changes who you were and who you become. Nine months sustaining life. Nurturing and growing. Attached to me, feeding from me, experiencing, feeling and hearing through me. My whole self consumed by life. Preparing for that incredible journey to begin life outside. In the real world. So excuse me for wanting to celebrate that and the juxtaposition of the same amount of time outside of me. And the incredible fact that even though she is not inside me anymore, she is still attached to me in ways you may *never* understand. Still sustained and kept alive by me and my awesome life giving boobs of sustenance. Still experiencing life. The 'real world' and still doing that from the safe comforting secure confines of me and now my family.

(I feel I must point out that its not *exactly* nine months but I gave birth, I'm allowed poetic license. When you give birth (or have a baby with someone) then you can revel in your own unawesomeness and benign worth)

Makes no sense. Or does it?

It's about more than gun control laws. It's about more than 'mental health crazies' with guns. It about the brass tacks of connection and bonding. It goes right back to the womb. It goes beyond. It's about broken continuums and broken lives. It's about breaking the cycle. It's about changing the tone.

It's about not using violent coercive threatening punishing ways to raise our children. Its not about being more disciplined with time outs and spankings and threats of depravity.

It's about finding the compassion. Making the connection. Taking the time. Sharing the responsibility. Supporting each other and knowing your boundaries.

This is it...

Is it worth it?

45mins to get dressed and out

30mins outside

45mins (at least) of which was spent in meltdown mode

Was it worth it?

You bloody tell me!

The girls have been ill since the dawning of time and we haven't been out the house for days. I tried my very very very hardest to remain calm and upbeat and keep it an enjoyable event. Sometimes though, there is nothing stopping you meltdown and me plot losing.

You know we are going out. You see we are getting dressed. I helped you get your vest and jumper on. You chose not to wear extra stuff. I helped you get your snow trousers on. You chose to watch more of the film. You heard me say lets go and you got your boots on. I helped you get your coat on. You refused help to zip it up. You decided not to wear a hat. You chose to watch some more of the film

You CANNOT then turn round and have a meltdown because I leave the house. But you do. After spending the last 45minutes getting everyone ready to go out you cannot also say that you didn't know we were going. But you do.

You haven't got your gloves on and you want me to come back in and pick them up off the floor, and you refuse to come out until I pick them up and put them on for you. Shrieking all the time.

I have Millie in the sling on my front, we are wearing three million layers and I can't bend properly. I can't do front carry for long these days as it pulls too much but I wanted to see Millie's face (she's not well I want to keep an eye on her comfort and temp levels)

Yes I'm going to lose the plot at that point and start walking away thus making it clear I am NOT going to do this one for you. Yes I am muttering and raving about yet another trip turning into a difficulty.

Even tho I then do help to put them on you, once you have picked them up and followed me outside, you cannot then have another meltdown and whinge that I didn't help you get dressed and you are cold. I did help. A lot. Just because your sister has three pairs of socks on and you don't, doesn't mean I love her more. She put them on herself.

Not to mention the complaining that there wasn't enough ice. Then pushing your sister off the only frozen puddle

So I ask you again. Was it worth it?

Well. The dog got some exercise. First time in 3days. So it was worth it for the dog. We all got some fresh air. So that can't be bad. Some of the water balloons have frozen, so that was cool.

I know how many layers to put them in tomorrow.

Course it was worth it!!!  < Weary smiley .>






Meltdown - seriously annoying and unjustified
Losing the plot - could have been worse but wasn't pretty. Acknowledged my meanness.
Breastfeeding - not outside. Not today anyway.

Salt of the Earth

It fascinates me that for years it's been drummed into us that salt is bad for us. Don't eat so much. Cut down. Cut out. When in actual fact it's completely wrong!!! It's just processed white table (the type that most people eat) salt that's bad for us. I'm starting to learn more about alternatives and it turns out we actually need salt! Natural salt (rock salt, Himalayan pink or Celtic grey) is totally great and needed. Of course salt is needed. Our body needs salt. Our body is made up of it, among many things. Salt.

"We all need a little bit of salt because it helps our body's cells to absorb nutrients. However, the majority of us eat about two-and-a-half times as much salt than we need." NHS

". . .all of us have in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and, therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. And, when we go back to the sea. . . we are going back to whence we came." -John F. Kennedy

One of the problems is the amount of salt. Most people eat a diet that has a lot of processed foods and these foods already have a lot of processed salt in them. Add more processed salt to that and hey presto an illness waiting to happen.

Tides are changing, people are becoming more aware and foods are being made with less salt and more herbs and natural flavours.

So how much salt does the body need? Experts say 6g a day. With the natural pink or grey, these figures become less worrisome. Use what is needed. You'll soon find that once you start cutting down on processed table salt, your taste buds will rejoice and resurface!!

You know what I can't wait for? The rest of society to catch up, realise low-fat is unhealthy, diet anything is *wrong*, organic natural fat/butter is better than its highly processed counterpart and for healthy natural foods to become readily available and affordable. Soon, everyone will realise organic is just the tip if the iceberg.

I have a long way to go on the mind changing food revolution. I get it though and I believe in it. My nemesis is sugar.

I have similar thoughts on allopathic medicine. Alternatives and ancient methods are starting to seep back into our very mainstream methods. We are returning to the old ways more and more and we are realising how over medicalised everything is. Every day I read stories in the mainstream news extolling the virtues of alternatives over allopathic and I literally do a 'told you so' dance.

One day we really will all 'get with the program!' And realise what's good for us.

Some of the millions of Links used for research:

Rebelle Society

NHS

Himalayancrystalsalt

Royal Society of Chemisty

thenakedscientists

curezone

Mercola

Mercola

Weston Price

Weston Price

Wrong indignation

"A family is horrified after their baby was put in the wrong bassinet at the hospital and breastfed by the wrong mother, according to a Dec. 6 Good Morning America report. The baby will need to go through a year of medical tests for HIV and hepatitis to ensure he didn’t contract the conditions through the other woman’s breast milk."

Seriously. Unless the woman actually had HIV or hepatitis I can't see why they would need to test as a precautionary measure. Seems completely unnecessary, invasive and a major over reaction.

Another reason why mothers and babies should NOT be separated in hospital but come on. Another Mothers Breast milk (donated milk) is one of WHO's top recommendations, above formula. And there is evidence that breast feeding has a reduced risk of HIV transmission from mother to baby anyway.

I would rather my kid was breastfed by accident than formula fed. Just one bottle can rearrange gut flora with a negative outcome.

Such a shame that such a furore is made about breastfeeding other babies. It used to be common practice. The baby probably got some brilliant antibodies and immunity!

Ok. So it wasn't consensual. Ok. It was a terrible error of... Admin? Nursing ability? But it's not the end of the world.  I found it more depressing that she was formula feeding whilst lamenting that her baby had been given precious gold breastmilk.

Like I said. Mothers and baby's need to be kept together. 

Always.

Changing or taking them off?

I need to change again. I need to get naked!!! no! Wait. Haha my autocorrect changed that to naked (I have no idea how?). I am sure I was going to say, I need to get back to how I used to be. When I was trying harder, making more of an effort, to be nicer, to be gentler and more connecteder to others but especially my kids. How do I get that back? 

I mean it wasn't like I was the paragon of virtue. But I felt happier with the way I was speaking to my kids and the way we were speaking to each other. I felt more comfortable about my interactions with them and the way they were interacting with me. I was feeling less irritated by their presence and they were less annoyed with me. I don't want my children to feel unwanted. Unworthy. Unloved. Not listened to. Unhappy.

Sometimes I am Unprocessed. I need to get back on track and process my shit because I think I am passing it on to my kids. They don't need mine on top of everything else they need to process. I need to be their constant. Constant. Love. Constant rock. Constantly understood, listened to and heard. Connected.

Getting naked could be the answer ;)

Meltdowns - none. Too excited about Chanukah

Losing the plot - minor one at family gathering. All sorted.

Breastfeeding - soooooooo much. Tooth coming in.

And so it begins. Strike Two?

Ok. Friends. Analyse this :-

( be brutal. Ok no. Be whatever is two below on the scale of brutal!!!)

At mums. Been slowly building relationship back up since last mahasoove blowout in October. But in that 'not treading on toes way'.

Mum: "it's not Chanukah already is it?. We just did Ellie's birthday. "

*Sigh*

(We were talking about Maia's Chanukah present.)

Fuck me. I was a paragon. I said nothing. Except. Really I should have. Should I have? Is this my pattern? Do not say anything. Let is slide. Let it build. Pressure cooker. S.Trike threeee. Lose my cool. Have a fight. Grrrr for bit. Slowly make up. Ad infinitum.

Or am I psychologising again? Am I being over sensitive. Is there something wrong with me? Am I depressed?

" What's your problem" ?!!! (Once said to me as a greeting....erm. Hello to you too). I digress.

Actually her comment did not elicit the same reaction as it might have previously. Outrage. Indignation. Disgust. But should it have gone completely unnoticed, glossed over, like strike one? (Strike one is too heinous to divulge but...it was my birthday, I didn't hear it first hand and frankly I couldn't be arsed at the time. I had life to be getting on with)(I've not forgotten though!)

I'm certain I should have been NVC  in that situation but for the life of me I am unable to think that way around her. Think how she is thinking. Imagining where those thoughts are coming from. That simply because it was Ellie's birthday 12days ago (could seem like 4 to her because family party was 4 days ago) means "I am entitled to begrudge getting something for my other granddaughter for Chanukah".

Okay. Now I am getting angry. I'm going to stop thinking about it anymore!! Maybe I am psychologising too much.

I'm just glad Maia is a bit hard of hearing (due to cold) at the moment. What would she have heard?

'I'm not getting a Chanukah gift from grandma because it was Ellie's birthday the other day. ' ???

Now I know present giving should not be equated with love and worth and all tied up in that conditionality...but it's Chanukah. It's her granddaughter. Who doesn't love a present?

Not that she would EVER do it anyway, but why fucking say it?!

Shit. I said I wasn't going to talk about it again!!

Meltdowns : massive one in Morrisons. (Will tell that story)

Losing the plot: resounding NO!

Breastfeeding: getting out and about again. I've been missing my supermarket feeds whilst sitting on the toilet rolls in the toilet roll aisle. (The bigger the store, the comfier the seat!)

Play the game mummy

Most days a way to connection is staring me straight in the face. I get given the opportunity and I rarely take it. I am resistant to it in fact.

The girls play babies. They want me to be their mother. I thought I already was?? They want me to baby them.

They want me to carry them and hold them and take care of their every single needs and love them like a baby.

"When we play babies and I'm the mother what do I have to do?"

"You just have to be a *normal* mother" says Maia

WTF??!!!!

They want me to treat them how a baby is treated because....because.... probably because I was nicer to them when they were babies? I didn't ask/nag. I didn't shout (much). I didn't ask them to bring their own plate through after dinner or, G-d forbid, dress themselves. I didn't make them wait.

"Do everything for them until they want to, or until they can, do it themselves but even then they might not want to so you have to anyway" Is that an accurate description of a mother? Would that be acceptable in their game? I think not.

I knew what to do then. (Except back then I felt like I didn't.) Hold them. Love them. Feed them milk. Give them my boob. That was pretty much it for a very long time!!!

Now, They are 6 and 4. Not babies. They are growing up and now, now I have no clue how to be their mother aside from the holding. The loving. The feeding. There is SO much more to it and wow it's hard. This is more than just the holding. The loving. That kind of connecting. It's way more complicated. This is a whole nother level.

This way to connection, this way to fill their cup, it's staring me straight in the face. It's so obvious. I know that. But fuck me I'm tired! I'm resistant because I already am the mother and I'm finding it damn hard. Why would I want to play *that* as a game??!

Sometimes I do play. They love it.

Other times, they want me to be the popcorn lady.

Meltdowns - special kind of growing up ones

Losing the plot - trying SO very hard at moment not to

Breastfeeding - still working!

The proof

I recently posted for help on my FB wall. 

In an effort to prove to my mother that my friends also have 'different priorities' and to help me feel better about her frequent nasty remarks about our home, I asked people to post pics of their homes. The fact is, I am constantly tidying and she NEVER comes round in that '10minute window' when the house IS tidy!

Here are the results. I must say, I DO feel better about our home! I will show these pictures to her at the weekend.

Please do keep the pictures coming!

 

Meltdowns - on the increase

Losing the Plot - on the decrease

Breastfeeding - soooooooooooooooooooo much

♪♫ Just another day in Paradise ♪♫

Yer Maw

Whine Time

I'm having a crisis of capability. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and how to do it or why I am doing it.

I'm having wine now.

The house is empty and quiet but its at that stage where I am waiting for the silence to be Shattered. Splintered. Broken. Ruined. You know. The initial high is over. AN EMPTY HOUSE. I can do anything. Woohoo. What shall I do? Save the world? Save my the house? Save myself?

I'm having wine now.

I can do this.

It's a phase.

I can do it.

I'm a mother. I'm a wife. I'm all grown up.

Wow it's fucking hard




Meltdowns - mini Maia ones and teeny weeny Millie ones
Losing the plot - too late. Save yourself
Breastfeeding - I used to be a Lactivist then I was too busy lactating.

You know what?

But I wasn't doing nothing.

I've got Lennie syndrome.
Don't google it
I made it up
Besides googling symptoms is scary.


It's Lennie from Of Mice and Men
He loves too much

I have Too Much Smooshing syndrome.
I don't think there is a cure for it.
Who'd want one anyway!!


" His love for soft things conspires against him, mostly because he doesn't know his own strength, and eventually becomes his undoing."





I have this with Millie. I want to hold her and love her and smoosh her and kiss her and and and....and invariable after the giggling she cries out "aaaah enough mummy". Well it's more like "eeeeaaaaaaaaagggnnnnnrrgggh"


Anyway. Every time I do it, I feel like that cartoon character:-



She is just SO oooooooh. Smooshable. Oh I could eat her!

Besotted much??!!

I'm sure you're the same!

ImPossible

I can't do this blogging every day thing. I'm just not able to. I either fall asleep with the kids or watch a program with hubby then fall asleep. There are just not enough minutes in the day!

I really ought to dedicate a time and space of my own and just do it. It would probably be good for me. I am doing this just now whilst feeding Millie to sleep in between dinner and bed time for the girls (who are currently soaking and shrieking in the bathroom).
- interrupted due to shrieking being actual upset and pain- interrupted thought. That's another problem. I don't think I've had a consistent thought since 2006.

Crap Millie's crying

I give up

Today my babies

Today my baby knocked a plant over tipping out the water that had gathered at the bottom and proceeded to eat the soil. The crawling has begun.

Today my baby refused to wear or take her coat to nursery. Again.

Today my baby wouldn't eat her breakfast because she was so busy watching My Little Pony. Which also made her late for school.

Today my baby had a meltdown in B&Q and refused to get into the car because I wouldn't buy everything she wanted.

Today my baby went to the art galleries and drew pictures of the faces. Happy ones. Kind ones. Sad ones. Angry ones.

Today my baby cried every time I left the room.

Today my baby sat on my knee to read a book and told me to put my phone down.

Today my baby took her medicine without a fuss. The course was finished, she wasn't even meant to!

Today my baby sat on the toilet and the potty for her pee-pee.

Today my baby took fish fingers out the freezer put them on a tray and started making lunch, carefully counting out six each.

Today my baby brought her bag in from the car without being asked.

Today my baby carried her sister to me when she was crying and I was peeing.

Today my baby made her own sandwich after school. It only had ketchup in it. But still. And she wiped up after herself.

Today my babies let me sleep while I slept with my other baby.


Today my babies did their thing.

Today my babies seem not like babies at all....

Today my babies wouldn't go to sleep until they were cuddled up next to me


Meltdowns - none
Losing the plot - none
Breastfeeding - some