Most days a way to connection is staring me straight in the face. I get given the opportunity and I rarely take it. I am resistant to it in fact.
The girls play babies. They want me to be their mother. I thought I already was?? They want me to baby them.
They want me to carry them and hold them and take care of their every single needs and love them like a baby.
"When we play babies and I'm the mother what do I have to do?"
"You just have to be a *normal* mother" says Maia
They want me to treat them how a baby is treated because....because.... probably because I was nicer to them when they were babies? I didn't ask/nag. I didn't shout (much). I didn't ask them to bring their own plate through after dinner or, G-d forbid, dress themselves. I didn't make them wait.
"Do everything for them until they want to, or until they can, do it themselves but even then they might not want to so you have to anyway" Is that an accurate description of a mother? Would that be acceptable in their game? I think not.
I knew what to do then. (Except back then I felt like I didn't.) Hold them. Love them. Feed them milk. Give them my boob. That was pretty much it for a very long time!!!
Now, They are 6 and 4. Not babies. They are growing up and now, now I have no clue how to be their mother aside from the holding. The loving. The feeding. There is SO much more to it and wow it's hard. This is more than just the holding. The loving. That kind of connecting. It's way more complicated. This is a whole nother level.
This way to connection, this way to fill their cup, it's staring me straight in the face. It's so obvious. I know that. But fuck me I'm tired! I'm resistant because I already am the mother and I'm finding it damn hard. Why would I want to play *that* as a game??!
Other times, they want me to be the popcorn lady.
Meltdowns - special kind of growing up ones
Losing the plot - trying SO very hard at moment not to
Breastfeeding - still working!