stop the guilt repair the connection

Maia has a hard time imagining that she could ever get back to sleep without the boob, sometimes so do I, she tries and tries and tries, sometimes so do I, she decides she really can't do it, the problem is sometimes so do I.  So starts night weaning, later than some mamas, earlier than my 'inspirational mama's.  The ones who completely extendedly full accessedly on demandedly breastfeededly until child wants to end itedly.  Because I know in my heart and in my instincts this is what she needs and wants.  Its just not what I can give.  I managed later with Maia than I did with Ellie and I still have some residual guilt and possible connection problems for that. I blame early natural weaning and having another baby and having her daddy go back to work and her nana die suddenly...I guess they all contribute.....stop the guilt repair the connection.....stop the guilt repair the connection....stop the guilt repair the connection....anyway...

I notice a difference with Maia than I did with Ellie and I don't know if it's because I night weaned too early or if its just a  temperament thing.   If I am removing breastfeeding I need to provide an alternative.  With Ellie I told her a story about farm animals sleeping next to mummy and being comforted in different ways.  I played with her hair, she hates her hair being touched now.  I rubbed her back, she hates her back being rubbed now.    The only thing that's lasted is eskimo and butterfly kisses, got them from my dad.

Ellie accepts very little form of physical touch and comfort from anyone.  It took her over a year to allow people she had met twice a week to touch her to say help her off a high wall or tree or bus or just hold a hand and it's only now she won't have a full on screaming meltdown from a stranger trying to help her off and on a bus, if my hands are full.    Sometimes she now holds hands with a stranger (that freaked me out slightly, but I know she wouldn't do it if she didn't have my hand too) if we are grouped together, like waiting to leave a room. Maybe she gets confused about who we all know and who we don't, although she knows way more people than me since she asks EVERYONE she meets 'what's your name?'

In hindsight I wonder if my story involved too much touch from me and not enough boob. Nowadays she goes back to sleep only if she can lie on my arm...probably to make sure I don't touch her.  I sneak in a sneaky stroke of the cheek once I know she is fully asleep,  she is so soft and snuggly looking.

With Maia, she likes me to play with her belly button, I tell her how we used to be connected there.  I nibble and kiss her ears, she asks me to bite them.  She is fulfilling that 'oo i could eat you feeling'.. I love it! I get feedback, she asks me to do these things, she asks me not to.....sometimes it takes longer than I would like for her to fall asleep and usually on those nights,  it takes for ever because she knows I am going to leave the room as I have the 'wrong' bed energy head on.

Yet still when she is finally asleep and I sneak downstairs, I think...is it too soon?