Stop it you idiot

I'm trying to discuss the power of words with the girls and I tell them about the rice experiment. We decide to give it a go. I prepare the rice and jars and the paper to go round the jars. I explain to the girls that one jar is hate and one is love. I give Maia the hate paper and Ellie the love paper and ask them to draw/write on half (I've drawn a dividing line)

Unfortunately Ellie becomes so confused with what I am asking her to do, she ruins the paper twice and we have to redo it. I am already seeing the effect of negative words on her as I exasperatedly shout you are not listening, why don't you listen? OMFG again? What are you doing!!! She buries her head in her hands then looks at me with confused tears in her eyes. Oh crap I am evil rice. 

We eventually get it all sorted and Ellie's hate drawing is a brilliant depiction of her feelings. She really poured out her angry feelings towards me into those words. Maia on the other hand found it very hard to remember she was doing hate and a lot of her people had smiley faces. Ellie changed them for her!!!

So now we speak love words towards the love rice everyday and towards the hate jar we spew our anger. I've given it the finger already. Quite cathartic actually!!! Over time, the hate rice is meant to go moldy and gross whilst the love rice stays fluffy and lovely (well fresh anyway since mine didn't really fluff)

I'm really interested to know if this experiment works but in reality we already know the power of negative words on our children. Even my children know as exampled by tonight's interaction leaving Maia in a sobbing mess upstairs. Interestingly I did notice some hesitation in Ellie's voice just before she called her sister an idiot. I guess she was thinking of something worse! 

Original quotes flung carelessly at breastfeeding mothers

No no no, breast feeding after the age of 1 is wrong on so many levels!!!

Och, poppycock!!
Who are these late breast feeding mothers doing it for? Certainly not the kids!!
It's a problem letting go.

Children do not need breast fed for nutrition over the age of one.

It's not right to make a toddler suck on their mother's breasts. This is an age where they are beginning to identify themselves as an individual in the world and breast feeding will most certainly hold them back.

A child will be ridiculed at school for breast feeding, that's also so not fair.

prove to me that breast feeding over the age of one is good for a child as I'm really struggling here to see the long-term benefits!!!!

Ladies, you cannot possibly say that it looks right when a child climbs on their mother, lifts up their top and starts sucking their breasts.

I would be bloody scarred for life if my mother 'cooperated' (or more like 'manipulated') with me to breast feed past one!!!!!

A 6toddler, on the other hand, would probably not, given total free choice, choose to suck on their mother's breasts.

Don't know who you all are but feeding your kids the booby when they can say booby is disgusting!!!

My 8 year old son has a few friends round after school. I'm going to offer them a nutritious snack

Why do children of "breastfeeding till they're 10" believers want breast milk but children of non believers don't. I recon it's simply down to encouragement.

I am just saying that in my opinion (and you have yours!) an older child should not be breast feeding.

Breast feeding is a great thing if you can feed your child, but many women are unable to breast feed and are made to feel inadequate.

If it were the case that you couldn't feed anymore and your 3-4 year old wanted milk from the breast, what would you do? Would you have a wet nurse?

One of the issue with extending breastfeeding is the ability of the mother and the child to separate. Some say that the desire for extended breastfeeding comes from the mother's inability to let go of 'her baby'.

if someone has to breast feed a child after the age of two its for the mothers benefit not the child'

lots of mums dont breast fed at all and their children are just as fit as others and some mums are passing bad things onto the kids if they dont eat or drink heaalthy themselves

Not forcing but as i understand it bf for the mothers benefit

they like to bf after a certain age so they feel more in control more needed in some cases they depend on the child more than the other way round clinging on to a child past the baby stage almost scared to let go

 Not all mothers milk is good , ie if they smoke drink are on drugs, in this day and age there is no need to breast feed beyond toddler age even if the child would take the breast they know know different, you can still cuddle and comfort a child without feeding

I think it is a shame for a mother to cling on to her baby when it is no longer a baby.

yes i would find it disgusting to think of a 5 year old having to stop play or whatever to run back to his mums breast for food and what about poor dad does he get a look in at all

some people need to get over themselves

Hey Formula feeding thumb sucking dummy mums.......listen up

No no no, bottle feeding after the age of 1 is wrong on so many levels!!!

Who are these early weaning mothers doing it for? Certainly not the kids! It's an attachment problem.

Children do not need bottle fed for nutrition over the age of one.

It's not right to make a child suck on their thumb. This is an age where they are beginning to identify themselves as an individual in the world and thumb sucking will most certainly hold them back. 

A child will be ridiculed at school for thumb sucking, that's also so not fair.

Prove to me that bottle feeding over the age of one is good for a child as I'm really struggling here to see the long-term benefits!!!!

Ladies, you cannot possibly say that it looks right when a child climbs on their mother, snuggles into their chest and starts sucking their thumb.

I would be bloody scarred for life if my mother 'cooperated' (or more like 'manipulated') with me to bottle feed past one!!!!!

A toddler, on the other hand, would probably not, given total free choice, choose to suck on their thumb.

Don't know who you all are, but feeding your kids the bottle when they can say bottle is disgusting!!!

Why do children of "thumb sucking till they're 10" believers want to suck their thumb but children of non believers don't. I reckon it's simply down to encouragement.

I am just saying that in my opinion (and you have yours!) an older child should not be bottle feeding. 

Bottle feeding is a great thing if you can feed your child, but many women are unable to bottle feed and are made to feel inadequate.

If it were the case that you couldn't feed anymore and your 3-4 year old wanted to wean, what would you do? Would you force a wet nurse?

One of the issue with extending bottle feeding is the ability of the mother and the child to separate. Some say that the desire for extended bottle feeding comes from the mother's inability to let go of 'her baby'.

If someone has to wean a child before the age of two its for the mothers benefit not the child

Lots of mums don't bottle feed at all and their children are just as fit as others and some mums are passing bad things onto the kids if they don’t eat or drink healthy themselves

Mothers like to wean after a certain age so they feel more in control, less needed. In some cases they reject the child more than he other way round, pushing the child away after the baby stage, almost scared not to let go.

Not forcing but as I understand it bottle feeding is for the mothers benefit. 

They like to bottle feed after a certain age so they feel more in control more needed in some cases they depend on the child more than the other way round clinging on to a child past the baby stage almost scared to let go.

Not all formula is good , ie if they smoke, drink or are on drugs near their kid. 

In this day and age there is no need to bottle feed beyond toddler age even if the child would take the bottle they know different, you can still cuddle and comfort a child without feeding.

I feel that as a protective parent you might want to protect your child... or move to a council estate.

Bollocks to you all! BM rocks... Now where's the boob, she's thirsty?

For many prematurely weaned toddlers, the favourite blanket or stuffed animal comes to serve the same function as the breast in providing comfort and a sense of security. One of the issues with early weaning is the inability of the mother and child to stay connected. Some say that the desire for early weaning comes from the mother's inability to bond with her baby.

I think it is a shame for a mother to cling on to her baby when it is no longer a baby.

Yes I would find it disgusting to think of a 5 year old having to stop play or whatever to run back to his mums arms and suck his thumb for comfort 

What about poor dad does he get a look in at all with the bottle

Some people need to get over themselves

___________________________

Thumb sucking is a form of comfort.  Bottle feeding is form of nutrition. Dummy's are also form of comfort.  Breastfeeding is all of these (and more).  It's double standards and frankly down right rude. 

Would you say these things to a formula feeding or thumb sucking, or dummy giving mum? So what makes you think it's ok to say to a breast feeding mum?

for sake of clarity, these are the ACTUAL quotes said to breastfeeding mums

written with the help and guidance from Ali Edgley

Letting go of fear for your mobile baby

Letting go of your fear is one of the hardest issues in Continuum Concept parenting. Allowing your child her freedom to explore in a modern world. Many parents are still stuck in their own fear mode and this impacts on their child's exploration and learning.  In her book Jean Leidloff observes baby's crawling round the tribal fire pits and around a hole and the people around showed no fear: -

"When he goes about on hands and knees, a baby can travel at a fair speed. Among the Yequana, I watched uneasily as one creeper rushed up and stopped at the edge of a pit Eve feet deep that had been dug for mud to make walls. In his progress about the compound, he did this several times a day. With the inattentiveness of an animal grazing at the edge of a cliff, he would tumble to a sitting position, as often as not facing away from the pit Occupied with a stick or stone or his fingers or toes, he played and rolled about in every direction, seemingly heedless of the pit, until one realized he landed everywhere but in the danger zone. The non-intellect-directed mechanisms of self-preservation worked unfailingly and, being so precise in their calculations, functioned equally well at any distance from the pit, starting from the very edge. Unattended or, more often, at the periphery of attention of a group of children playing with the same lack of respect for the pit, he took charge of his own relationships with all the surrounding possibilities. The only suggestion from the members of his family and society was that they expected him to be able to look after himself. Though he still could not walk, he knew where comfort could be found if he wanted it - but he seldom did. If his mother went to the river or the distant garden, she often took him along, lifting him to her by his forearm and counting on his help to balance himself on her hip or hold on to the sling if she wore one to support his weight. Wherever she went, if she put him down in a safe place, she expected him to remain safe without supervision. A baby has no suicidal inclinations and a full set of survival mechanisms, from the senses, on the grossest level, to what looks like very serviceable everyday telepathy on the less accountable levels. He behaves like any little animal that cannot call upon experience to serve its judgement: he does the safe thing, unaware of making a choice. He is naturally protective of his own well-being, expected to be so by his people and enabled to be so by his inborn abilities plus his stage of development and experience. But the latter is so meagre at this age of six, eight or ten months that it can contribute little in any case and next to nothing in new situations. It is instinct that provides for his sell-preservation."

There are plenty of things that can help ease a worried mind and open it to the possibilities of child exploration without hovering and fearful vibes. Those vibes are crucial to the outcome of a situation. Your thoughts and words are paramount:- 

Careful

Watch out

Oh no

*sharp intake of breathe*

You'll fall

That's not for you yet

You'll hurt yourself

Look out

Many of these can be self fulfilling prophecies. 

It takes time and concerted effort (and sometime hidden hovering) to truly let go of your fear surrounding your babies movements but once you do, your child's basic skills of balance, perception and strength will grow and grow. I have spent many a day *not* watching my babies master the stairs. I would always be slightly out of sight because my presence would always change the outcome. Either they would be concentrating on me instead of their movements or they would feel a pressure and both times would end up losing their concentration. 

Obviously there are going to major modern areas where letting go isn't possible and this knee jerk reaction of OMG! what if they......run on the road, put a toaster in the bath, touch a lion, is so common and just serves to perpetuate the fear. No one is saying to  leave your baby completely alone and never check in on them.  I am talking about the hovering, the directing, the constant verbal diatribe about their every move. The stopping and the fear based diminishing of their abilities. 

Can you allow your baby to venture to that slide? Can you find a massive open park or space and let her walk at her own pace. Can you leave her sitting in the bath for a few seconds whilst you fold a towel. These are all exercises to build up confidence in yourself and in your baby as a strong able non kamaze being!! Can you remove the stair gate which often only serves to create a more dangerous situation later on when they are completely mobile and have had little to NO practice of climbing them? Can you spend time with your baby showing them safe ways of climbing off the bed or down the stairs 'on your tummy feet first' is a favourite in our house for the first 9months or so!

"We act as though human nature were something to be afraid of; to constrain, modify or fight; to subdue and overcome. Somehow we have gotten away from believing that we evolved in a way that works. We believe that our nature has to be modified, opposed and controlled from the very beginning.

Our nature, like that of every other animal, works fine the way it is. But we do not trust human nature. We distrust it in infants, in children, and in ourselves." Leidloff interview

Can you let go of YOUR fears?

 

Why 'the father needs to bond too' is a dangerous concept.

It really infuriates me when people tell new breastfeeding mothers that they should let their partner do some feeding with a bottle because otherwise the father will not be able to bond with his baby.

The mother-baby breastfeeding dyad is vitally important not only for nutrition but also for bonding and establishing breastfeeding.  In the beginning, it really needs to be ALL about the mother and the baby and any interference in this can create difficulties with breastfeeding, such as loss of supply, engorgement etc. especially if the breastfeeding relationship is interrupted during the night.  This is when the prolactin is made, which helps more milk to be produced.  Feeding your baby during the night is JUST as important as feeding during the day (in the early months).  In fact for a baby there is NO difference.  They don't follow clocks, they follow their tummies
.

Saying that giving the baby milk is the only way a father can bond with his baby is SO damaging for the breastfeeding relationship and the initial bonding experience for the mother (which is paramount).  It is also ridiculous.  There are plenty of ways a father can bond with his baby and really in the beginning, he should be doing all he can to help his partner to bond with the baby and to establish breastfeeding.  

He should be comforting and supporting his partner to achieve this essential goal.  Fathers can change nappies, hold their baby skin to skin, they can hold the baby whilst the mother pees, showers, eats etc. Fathers can sort the other children, the house, etc. They can bathe or shower with their baby. They can sling their baby and go for a walk and let their partner rest. 

There are SO many things a father can do to bond that does not disrupt the breastfeeding dyad. If the mother is not breastfeeding then he should be helping to make the formula bottles up to give to the mother, so she can be holding her baby, bonding and then feeding her baby.

"Bonding is really a continuation of the relationship that began during pregnancy. The physical and chemical changes that were occurring in your body reminded you of the presence of this person. Birth cements this bond and gives it reality. Now you can see, feel, and talk to the little person whom you knew only as the "bulge" or from the movements and the heartbeat you heard through medical instruments. Bonding allows you to transfer your life-giving love for the infant inside to caregiving love on the outside. Inside, you gave your blood; outside, you give your milk, eyes, hands, and voice--your entire self.

Bonding brings mothers and newborns back together. Bonding studies provided the catalyst for family-oriented birthing policies in hospitals. It brought babies out of nurseries to room-in with their mothers. Bonding research reaffirmed the importance of the mother as the newborn's primary caregiver" Dr Sears Bonding With your Newborn

The mother-baby bond is crucial in so many ways and suggesting its interrupted just so the father can give a bottle and bond creates MANY of the breastfeeding difficulties and post partum depression problems that many women face.  It really isn't about him. He needs to realise that and deal with his own issues, of feeling unable to bond, in other ways because it is damaging to a woman's important role as primary carer.  He will get his opportunity.  

Right now, for a newborn, in the beginning, it is ALL about the mother and he NEEDS to find ways to support that.

Incredible discovery

I recently posted a status update on Facebook asking people if they knew about their 'other' message folder. A few days later, I was sent this message to my inbox. Totally incredible......