I felt and acted a completely different person this weekend with just one kid, no house to run and someone to talk to if I wanted to. It was almost like an all inclusive holiday with the milk on tap for Millie.
I stayed with my friend (hubby stayed one night but then had to go home) and she cooked. She makes the yummiest food and makes it look easy to do too! Not only that, she organised a massage for me AND the sun was shining most of the time. Millie had an absolute ball, she had someone around her or within helping distance at all times giving me the opportunity to switch off occasionally She explored the most interesting and amazing house and garden with sheep and cows and horses at every turn! I can't believe that it's taken Millie over a year to see a real cow. What the fuck have I been doing?? Surviving basically.
It was like another life. A life where I existed not just as a single mum with only one kid, but also where I was being mothered myself but without the criticism judgement and disappointment!! Being at my friends was just what I needed. She was a shining star and I love her for that.
I really feel I'm doing my kids a disservice. There is not enough of me. I am not tribal enough. I am not able enough. I am not kind enough. I am not enough. They deserve more of me. More of the loving me.
The girls came home at 9.30pm Monday night. I hadn't seen them since 4pm Friday. 3 days. It is the longest we have all been apart. Ever. I literally did not recognise Ellie when she ran in and stood in front of me. I thought it was Barry coming in the front door having walked the dog so I didn't expect her to be there. In front if me! Like the people marooned on the desert island not recognising a boat in the distance, or something like that. She looked so young!
They were exhausted from travelling for 8 hrs and I was tired having travelled all day with Millie. Ellie was talkative and excited and unusually not IN my face but Maia was over the top flooby and started getting more and more wound up and noisy and repeaty and jumpy on me and manic. I was becoming more and more stressed. Everyone was talking and excited and there was general merriment. Maia wanted her raspberries NOW after we'd said they were for the morning. What I should have tried was sweeping her up in my arms, carrying her through and saying 'ok let's go in the kitchen and i'll sort some for you in a bowl and we'll leave some for the morning'. Instead, as everyone was talking about London or saying 'leave them Maia they're for the morning' and Maia was repeating over and over and over and over that she wanted them just now, my head exploded and I shouted 'Maia stop it you're stressing me out. Do what you want I don't give a shit'.
Way to make Maia both happy and unhappy and silence a room all at the same time. I wanted to run back to my 'another life' there and then. I felt like the ugliest person ever.
Bedtime was mercifully fast as I fell asleep on the floor beside Ellie in her makeshift den before hubby had finished their bedtime story.
By contrast though, Ellie had a meltdown tonight. It was a top of the range, not seen one like that for a long time, made worse by tiredness meltdown and I can honestly say I felt I handled it amazingly!! She felt listened to and even tho she was beyond impossible with her demands and reactions, she did eventually feel heard and understood, we sorted a compromise and not only that, she even allowed me to hold her whilst she cried at the injustice of it all.
I'm checking train timetables and having running away fantasies. Sometimes a holiday isn't such a great idea after all!
Meltdowns - big massive ones
Losing the plot - awful. shameful. Just horrible.
Breastfeeding - loads as ever