Tonight I said we shouldn't have had another kid. We are in such financial sheep shite that I will have to get a job. We are constantly running at a deficit. Every month I say this happens every month and every month Barry says it doesn't. I know it won't go on forever but every week...month....year....years it goes on adds another week...month...year...years of stress worry and unhappiness.
It's hard being used to a certain level of affluence to then have to be frugal. I admit I am shite at it.
Does recycling the baby wipes three times count or am I just wasting my time because I use the tumble dryer, the dish washer and the shower anyway?
My point is. I actually said that. And I don't mean it. Millie is adorable. But leaving her to go back to work, could I do that? Do I have a choice? Other people do it. I just never wanted to be one of those people who never had the choice. Because I choose not
To
Be separated from my
Children because I
Believe our societies continuum is broken and the next generation is working towards fixing it. If I break them by that basic premis of the first few years of a child's live being the most important for development emotionally physically and mentally I truly believe I am contributing to that broken society. Also she is MY baby. I didn't have a baby to give her to someone else. I have a hard enough time doing that with my other two. No one should want to give their baby to someone else to look after. Some people have no problem with it. Most people believe its normal.
I don't. I will find a way.
It has been six years though. From student life to full time lawyer for hubby. From full time worker to full time mothering for me. I think we made a good run of it. We made a conscious decision for me to be with my babies. We've begged borrowed worked and cashed in on our lives for long enough. The magic thinking is definitely broken. Millie is the one who could suffer.
"Once you start deliberately offering thought, then you can never offer enough action to keep up with the thought. Once you access the Energy that creates worlds, a huge vortex comes into place, and there's just not enough action for you to keep up with that. And so, what you have to do is visualize every step of the way, envision you happy in the process. Envision things in place, envision people catching on. Just envision it working. Skip over the how and the where and the when and the who — and just stay focused upon the what and the why." Abraham
Meltdowns - Spectacular
Losing the Plot - ugly
Breastfeeding - all over the place. Snot afoot
*this was written a few weeks ago. I am making headway on the hedge fund (every little helps) and my ever generous and life saving mum has hedged her funds (and bets that we can pay her back!) on us. That's us sorted for another month or so.
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