What a Difference a communal Day Makes

Its amazing what I can put up with when I am busy and productive and occupied....I just spent 10days on a DIY camp and realised that if I am busy doing, in a wider space than indoors at home, then the girls can get on with whatever they want and I don't feel the need to control or get too involved and they can get involved with what I am doing much more easily.  The environment was such, that they could run free from one end of the field to the other, it could take them all day if they wanted as there was so many other people around to talk to, things to see,  stuff to climb, tents to colour in.  Ellie even voluntarily decided to spend time on her own. Without. Needing. Me.  Their independence soured it was incredible, they would come find me throughout the day to connect and more often than not, the time they would need me most would be the time I would be coming to find them anyway, like some finely tuned team!! It was incredible.   Even Maia spent time away from me happily because she had Ellie or someone else around.  For the first time ever my two girls spent time with each other, dealing with themselves and not having me there to interfere!!  They must have felt so grown up and trusted!! I have no idea what went on and that's such a strange feeling.  There were a few tears but no major catastrophes which in my book is a bonus!!  

I can always tell when I need to be more hands off, because Ellie will come and taunt me with something and say 'look mum, looooook, look what I found/am doing/eating/smooshing/breaking/cutting/messing up' and I know its my cue to stop stressing and freaking out so much!

It was phenomenal to be living in a way I have dreamed about for such a long time.  Of course there were niggles and issues that had we been there longer would need to have been dealt with.  i learned some amazing new skills, I was even slating a roof for heavens sake and the experience in itself has affirmed for me how much we are missing out on in this insular lifestyle we have created for ourselves.  

And So brings me home

I needed someone to be with the girls for 30mins until sister-in-law turned up and could I find one person on my street? Nope. I asked 3 or 4 different houses.  That's just not right.  I should be able to just say 'hey watch the girls for a minute whilst I.....'

.

I can go through a whole day without having spoken to another adult until hubby gets home.  That's not right.  I should be able to just turn around and have another person to talk to if i want or need it or just someone there to hug or smile at me and say 'today is a good day'

I have a need to connect and feel purposeful and useful. I lack the resources and skills.  That's not right.  I should be able to share the skills and resources of many to create an amazing working lifestyle

I am raising my tribe without my village.  That's not right. I should be amongst friends and family, living our lives together amongst love, cooperation and authenticity. 

Its a frequent and common lament for CC parents, I don't have the answers but I am willing to be part of a solution to try and change it.   I just need a little help from others....you with me?

Meltdowns - much easier to understand and help with
Losing the Plot - much easier to come down from
Breastfeeding - when Maia could find me!!

She said I Said

She wouldn’t listen to me

She never listens to me

if I ask something of her

She immediately will do the opposite

or immediately do what i ask her not to

She is constantly pushing me

and i don’t have anything...

I don’t hit

I don’t threaten

I don’t punish

I don’t coerce

I just ask and expect some team work

Some kind of cohesion

So we can go about our day

without this constant struggle

Meltdowns - on the increase

Losing the Plot - on the increase

Breastfeeding - on the increase

Default Shouty Mama

I just feel that if I am 'human' that is, as in how my continuum was...shouting, coercive, bribing, mean, cheeky, huffy, stompy, uncalm, authoritarian, sarky, narky, impatient, uncoping etc. would not be in it.  All the things I am when I don't CHECK myself scare me. It is becoming more and more normal to NOT be this way but it is still a struggle at times and I have to work HARD not to react and be this way. Then I remember all the stuff I have read and think 'oh bugger, I am fucking the kids up again!'

I am not a default calm and serene and sweet and wonderful and joyful type mother my default is not a pretty sight and I know it makes things harder and horribler in the long run to be like this, so I arm myself with all this knowledge and information hoping it will sink in and make me STOP and think...'there is a better way of handling this, I know there is others have paved the way and shown me it can be done.  Diets have changed, people are more aware of healthier, exercise etc people know things now....I know these things now, I don't want to ignore them.  I am fearful of what might happen if I ignore them.  It makes sense to me, of course the loving, gentle and joyful approach is going to create a connective and joyful and loving relationship and the other way...well I believe the articles I read, I've seen the results and I just don't think in the long run that it works.

This kind of parenting is not easy for me  because I have not had the experience of it in my life before, it is not what we as a society are used to and the more I read the more I learn and realise how much I need to change

Meltdowns - help move things forward

Losing the Plot - help clear the air

Breastfeeding - helps with the other two

Reject that life

Andrew Smith says To Kill A Mocking Bird challenges our habit of prejudging people and it lays bare the courage needed to reject prevailing opinion in favour of real understanding


Meltdowns - Losing the Plot - Breastfeeding -

(Blog post random thoughts written 2010 but never published till now.) 

Land of Fantasy

A bedtime Song in our house, I'll sing it to you one day 

Chorus:

Have you ever sat and thought 

of the things you cannot see

Of the bright green sky the rich red grass

the glowing yellow sea

Where the animals and people live in peace and harmony

Its our place of rarest beauty 

Its our land of fantasy

Take my hand you are my friend

come and welcome any stranger

Take my hand and I will lead you

where there's no such thing as danger

True belief is all you really need

as you shall surely see

Its our place of rarest beauty 

Its our land of fantasy

Chorus

Imagination flows fast 

like the purple running river

Fun and music

Dance and laughter

and our world goes on forever

Come on in when you are ready

we have given you the key

Its ours place of rarest beauty

Its our land of fantasy

Chorus

How does this Fighting thing work?

Whenever there was fighting in the house, the dog would run and get her bowl, it was as if she was nervous and didn't know what to do with herself and she would run about and eventually grab her bowl and come running back saying 'look its ok,  everybody  can calm down now, I have a bowl, I have a bowl'

There was always fighting in our house.  Shouting, arguing, fighting, hitting...it was all pretty normal and everyday occurrences in our home. We all had our say and we all got it said and got on with our day. We'd shout from one room to the next for attention, we'd shout upstairs and downstairs.  My brother and I fought constantly, he continually bullied and belittled me physically and verbally.  My sister and brother were the same.  My dad shouted a lot at my sister.  My mum shouted a lot at all of us.  We were a loud family who used our voices to be heard and our hands if we weren't.  I don't ever remember my parents intervening but I suspect they were not around a lot of the times it was happening, dad being at work or mum being in bed or in the kitchen.  I don't remember thinking that this wasn't exactly the greatest of environments to be raised in.   

When we got older I was always the mediator in our home between my parents and my sister.  By this time, my brother had become the grouchy teenager so everyone kept out of his way or I'd be randomly hit.  I spent many an hour talking down my mother or sister from their latest battle, an international battle at that, as she was living in a different country.  I still didn't realise that this probably wasn't the best of environments to be raised in.

Fast forward a few decades and here I am with my own family and my own arguments and my own fighting and my own shouting and then getting on with things, feeling better for having got it off my chest.   My husband was constantly amazed at how I could be so shouty and angry one minute and it be all over and done with the next.   It wasn't until he pointed out to me recently that in their family whenever there was fighting or shouting it was a serious occasion and cause for concern that I realised how differently things were done in our house.

Is this how I want it to be for my family?  Do I want it to be a normal day to day occurrence or a serious take note occurrence?  How does it feel for the girls when I am arguing and shouting?  What do they see?

I often tell my girls that 'we don't hit in our house'  If there is a problem we use our words.  I realise my need for no physical bullying obviously stems from my childhood but the shouting and anger and explosion...how come they have stayed?  

I am all too aware of the theories and articles about gentle and conscious parenting so it makes me even more scared of what I can go with shouty anger.  When things get on top of me and I feel that familiar feeling of not being happy with the way things are heading, I can feel the familiar shouty voice coming in and I take great efforts not to go there or I can end up being there too long and then it all gets out of hand and uncontrollable and I just KNOW I need to shut up but for some reason I can't.  All this stuff pours out, all these itty bitty nasty remarks, it all gets out of hand I end up muttering and grumbling in a corner of the kitchen whilst the girls have worked out to stay away coming back every so often to ask if all my anger is out yet.  In my worst possible moments I see it is me who needs to find ways to get my anger out in a non attacking, less directed and shaming way...I have a lot to unlearn and relearn.

Until I have mastered the art of NVC, I think it is important for the girls to know that from anger and shouting can come resolving and working out.  If they see us fighting and shouting, they should also see the calming down and the discussing properly and the working out part, together after.  

I  also now realise that after all that has taken place,  I should make more of an effort to discuss with them what has happened and let them talk about it too.

Its all so much to remember, I need a little Marshall cricket on my shoulder