Take a big big picture

Millie has sweets
She gave some to Ellie and Maia
She gave one to me and wanted to see it get small from sucking. I didn't know and when she came back in to see mine I told her it was finished. She went back in the other room and took one of the sweets she had given to Ellie previously in order to give it to me.

We felt Ellie should have understood that Millie was only wanting to make me happy and play a game with mummy and we surmised that Millie thought that since she had given Ellie a few, taking one wouldn't be a major problem especially since it was for mummy.

Ellie didn't. She completely freaked out at the injustice of Millie not asking for the sweet and she was so fixated on that part that we couldn't help her see why Millie had perhaps thought it was ok to take a sweet.

We explained to Millie that she should have asked Ellie.

No matter how we tried to explain it to Ellie she couldn't see past the initial injustice. Millie shouldn't have taken the sweet and that was that.

My hubby is a lawyer and he often says to his clients sometimes you need to see the bigger picture and that sometimes you need to look past your full legal rights.

A long time ago we discussed present giving.  The consensus on taking back a present because you've changed your mind was, that at that young age it was better for them to learn about compassion and make an allowance for the fact that the present giver is allowed to change their mind and that it's ok to. We felt that sometimes kids give things to their friends in the heat of the moment for the right reasons and regret it later. (They can also give things for wrong reasons, because they think thats how to gain affection. That's a different matter though!) 

Sometimes you need to see the good in people and not always think you are being wronged.

It also helps to see the bigger picture to help everyone to be happy (or at least fairly happy) with the overall outcome instead of one very happy winner and one very unhappy loser.

Sibling navigation is tricky.

Consent is not required

I'm a good person. I'm a nice person.  I'm an interesting person and I'm a fun person. I am also a principled person and when someone else tells me to temper myself and not be myself then it makes me want to be myself more. I don't like being told what to do. I especially don't like people telling me what to do with my kids. I absolutely abhor this one size fits all society we are being boxed in to. This 'you must do it this way because it's been deemed better for you.'

I still labour under the illusion that I have the right to choose what is best for my family. It's not like my girls are neglected or abused. It's not like I am damaging their health. On the contrary, the amount of chemicals that 'the mainstream' are finally realising causes health problems makes me know in my heart why I live my life the way I do. There are enough toxins in the air that I can't do anything about, without deliberately and consciously ingesting others.

So the issue for me is that the nursery are saying they can't use the toothpaste I provide because the government says there has to be a certain level of flouride in the paste. They will of course speak to the department that runs the toothbrushing initiative but surely it is better to brush than not at all. Not to mention the exclusion and singling out of my child when everyone else is brushing.

The most worrying aspect for me though is actually the wording at the top of the letter. It states:-

"Starting from Academic Year 2016/2017 Consent for tooth brushing is no longer required."

With a capital C for consent, just to drive home the power.

You may think I am reading too much into things. You may think I am over analysing. Yet it always starts with the small things and before you know it, the next letter you receive about your children and your life could read....

"Consent is no longer required."

If I become known as the crazy parent because I am always questioning and pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable to foist on to my girls then so be it.

This isn't my first rodeo. I have been advocating for my girls rights since before they were born and I am not about to stop now. Complacency is not an option for me and my family.

                       _______________

"First they came for their clothes, eroded their identity and stifled their individuality. 

Then they came for their teeth, infused them with neurotoxins and told them to swallow.  

Then they came for their immunity, injected them with poison and made millions. 

Then they came for their minds, censored their brains and conformed their bodies. 

Then they came for me but I had nothing left to give."

You get the picture.......is it sinking in yet????

Meltdowns - ALWAYS after swimming 

Losing the Plot - perhaps 

Breastfeeding - nearing the end of our journey :(

Time Time Time See What's Become of Me

This is it. I think this is really it.  For the first time in......I think forever......I am going to be getting a regular me time, by that I mean substantial weekly time, not a here and there few hours ( I hear the 5minuters stabbing me right now) where there isn't enough time to decide what to do before *poof* my ability to think and speak and walk and talk and feed and clean and move ANY way I want and not even ALL at the same time......is gone!!

When the girls were maybe about 2yrs-3yrs old, I remember reading someone's post along the lines of ... even  if they managed to sneak off and lie face down on the bed for even 5 minutes they considered it me time.....I decided to try it. I knew then, I was in for a long long long slog.

I may no longer be a 5minuter but I really believe you truly don't appreciate that consecutive head space of tranquillity until you become a mum. That ability to have a clear unfettered thought and choose to do whatever you want, whenever, knowing you will probably  still have time to do a few necessities, because, really,  who wants to be doing dishes and washing and ridiculous things like making food when there is  S P A C E   B E T W E E N   T H E   M O M E N T S.

This concept of me time is interesting. It's different things for different people but realistically, Yeeeees, I know I am meant to be feelzin' my moments.....mindfullnessing the green out of my grass, breathing my core to the top of the middle... but sometimes, as I am sure you are aware there just isn't time to do anything meaningfully worthy to be considered (charging self) me time when you have young kids. By the way, this increases exponentially the more kids you have.

But, I can hardly believe it.

It's good to just be able to slowly and deeply breathe in and out without interruption.

It's good having time to get past that shitty guilty stage of 'there are things that need doing, I can't really literally do nothing and get away with it' and be also able to actually literally do nothing. Its hard for me to actually do nothing for very long unless I am asleep, even then I am still moving around. Today I lay for about ten minutes and tensed and relaxed every muscle. I may even do it again because I will  have time!!

It's good not to be thinking I don't know what to do first, there is so much to do, I don't know where to start AND I need to do this me time thingy for me too and to not feel immobilized by how much there is to do that by the time I get my shit together it's too late and I've got very little done.

So far today, FOR ME, I have been swimming and tensed and relaxed my whole body for ten minutes and I still have a couple of hours left!!

It's good to not be thinking oh crap they are nearly home...did I do anything relaxing and meaningful, did I do what I needed to do, do I have time to........before.....with that one glorious rumble of stones on the drive way...with that slam of the door, with that jangle of the key in the lock....my whole world explodes into chaos and loudness and movement and neediness and...well......and life!!

I am giddy with possibilties!! Fortunately the internet is broken or I would have binge watched Gilmour Girls for sure! This way I've started as I mean to go on....there *will* be binge watching but this way has given me a chance to see other possibilties and to switch my body and brain off for 10 minutes of emptiness.

To all my 5minuter and 30mins and few hourers friends....your time will come. Hang in there or faceplant on the bed for 5 minutes more.........maybe call me and I'll help you get some head space....give me a wee chance though just to enjoy mine!!

Meltdowns - don't know I'm not with them!!

Losing the Plot - not likely, unless it a house DIY freak out

Breastfeeding - later

Exercise the body or the mind?

Do all people who do minimal exercise and no exercise that increases their heart rate have back ache? By that, is my back pain due to not doing any exercise. I mean I walk the dog and have three young kids. I average 7,000-10,000 steps a day. I bend down and stretch quite a bit throughout the day but I don't do 'fast' exercise. 

I'm loathe to say I don't do *any* exercise since I have three kids. You know? I don't sit on my arse all day tapping at a computer screen and not moving unless it's to pee or to eat until home time. I'm moving a LOT. Just not 'exercise'. 

I used to do more before the pain or maybe I starting doing less because of the pain. I can't remember. I've lived with growing pain for over ten years.  I've managed it. I've done stuff!! Pain started before marriage and kids before anyone makes that joke. (which isn't that funny to me) I've had three kids. I've found my dream home. I've lived my life. I'm still living it, sort of.  

I'm seeing an osteopath regularly again and yet I'm still in pain. I've changed my way of eating. I think it's pretty clean now, I'm fairly sure I don't eat any processed food. I don't eat wheat. I don't eat sugar. I'm no longer active diabetic. I've stopped all diabetes medicine. I've started turmeric. I use Epsom salts. 

Does everyone who doesn't 'do exercise' have back ache?

Maybe it's emotional. 

Does everyone who has unresolved life issues, (who doesn't!) has lived an interesting life, with a few scrapes and bumps along the way and who may or may not have a few deep dark secrets (come on who doesn't!) and is trying to deal with them have chronic pain?

I've started a Pilates class. The teacher sees my pain and doesn't want me to continue until she hears from my doctor or my osteopath recommending (or perhaps absolving) Pilates. I'm disappointed. I've heard good things about Pilates. It was at a time I could make. It fitted into my hectic life. I'm sure the doctor and the osteopath would highly recommend it, I'm slightly perturbed that she wouldn't. 

I just feel I'm getting slower and doddier and in more pain as time goes on. I'm not getting any younger. 

This feels a very indulgent post. Lots of me's and I've's. Physical pain really sucks and yet others have WAY worse physical pain and shitty stuff going on in their lives but still. It's constant. It's tiring. 

I'm guessing this is why I haven't written anything for so long. It always comes back to my pain. Booooooooooooring. 

Meltdowns - if all three fighting and someone inevitably getting hurt and becoming inconsolable counts as meltdowns 

Losing the Plot - maybe it's in the bread bin

Breastfeeding- working again

She's Just The Mum

I really can't deal with being The Mum. I keep thinking someone is going to come along and be The Mum. I feel a lot of dread when someone calls for The Mum, I wonder if I can get away without being The Mum, if I could just fade into the mess and disappear. I want to crawl in a hole and let someone else have a shot at being her.  Someone who can do all those things The Mum does. 

It's never been quite so bad as just now and what makes it worse is how acutely aware I am that no one is coming. I really am The Mum to these kids. 

And even though I'm doing a terrible job of it, all they have is me and guess what, It'll have to do for now.

Meltdowns - not feeling well so thankfully minimal 

Losing the plot - long gone

Breastfeeding - even being reminded of our hard beginning hasn't made me yearn for longer, so I know I'm ready any time, soon preferably. 

Believe the impossible

Is it possible to have a breakdown whilst still accomplishing things...like getting kids to school almost on time and feeding kids..almost nutritious food?  That's the extent of my parental involvement at the moment.  The rest of the time I sleep. Or lie down. Sometimes the dog gets walked too. 

I know, well I hope, this pain is going to eventually settle down and return to the normal everyday chronic lower back pain levels that I was managing and living with before the accident.  There may even be a possibility the old pain could be lessened. 

I know I have been able to manage my previous pain and live a relatively normal life, knowing my limitation and abilities. Sometimes that was shovelling an entire driveways worth of red stones and sometimes that was getting everyone out the house in the morning. 

I know that if I had to, I could learn to live with this new level of pain. I'm already trying to reduce my pain meds. I'm thinking of a plan to increase how far I can walk with the dog before it gets too much. At the moment I'm not even managing every day. 

I'm really tired and fed up of being in pain just now. It's exhausting. I know it won't last forever. Although sometimes it's just really hard to imagine given that I've already had other chronic pain for pretty much ten years of my life. 

That's another thing, being positive is also really exhausting. Believing things will all work out beautifully. It makes me a grumpyarse. All my strength is going towards healing and all that entails physically and emotionally which makes me impatient and grumpy and exasperated. As ever, my family suffers. 

I know no one died. I know we were so bloody lucky. I shudder with thankfulness every day that I was on my own in the car. 

Still, I'm not a happy camper right now and living with pain is a total fuckitybuggerbolloky head and body fuck. 

Meltdowns - I didn't hear you from all the way up here in my bed almost asleep. I'm sorry you were left alone to go to the toilet yourself. I'm happy you managed it. SEE I *knew* she bloody could!

Losing the Plot - if I had the energy. 

Breastfeeding - despite earlier predictions, this girl is not for turning. There is definitely less coming out and so feeds are shorter which I can handle just now.  

3,324 consecutive days...that's how long I have been feeding my babies!

I think my breastfeeding days could be over. I have been breastfeeding non stop for 9yrs. I tandem fed my eldest when they were younger and have been feeding Millie for 3yrs 8months. 

Tonight at bedtime I was consciously thinking this could be our last feed I better get off my phone and remember it!! This is a big moment. 

I looked at her face, I felt her hair and I thought how weird it was that hubby showed me a video this evening that he coincidentally came across, of one of Millie's first feeds. The one from when she had tongue tie and kept falling off, the one where she was SO upset and hungry and unable to get any milk. It was difficult to watch. She was so tiny and red from crying and she looked so thin. I remembered the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I couldn't finish watching it. 

Now here I am watching her possible last feed ever.

She hasn't been able to get milk from the right side for a few days and not as much from left either. I suspect the pain medication has been messing about with my production. I know we could get push through it and I could produce more and she would persevere but.......

I have decided to go away for a couple of days to my friends. I think, by the time I am back my milk will be gone. 

I finally made the decision. I have decided that she will cope with me being away. I decided that I need to get away and properly have a break.  I decided that she will manage. She will manage throughout the day without her morning wake up milk and without her midday connection milk and without her early evening tired but not ready for bed comfort milk and without her bedtime milk. 

I know she has managed without some of those milk times but she has never had to manage without ANY of them. 

I can feel myself talking myself out of it as I write this and the fact that she came to me tonight and gave me the biggest hug ever and I thought 'oh my G-d I can't leave this incredibly scrummylicious baby' and also the fact that as I was trying to get her to bed hubby turned up to help as it had been an hour already and she said to him 'I miss mummy she's going away'. Oh dear G-d she misses me already and I'm sitting right beside her. I can't do this. How can I leave her?

An hour later and she is finally asleep after shouting for me for ten minutes after discussing all the things she will be doing with hubby and the girls for 50mins!!

Another hour later and we are now trying to get the girls to bed. They are wild tonight and giggly and not listening. Its going to end in disaster. It's 10pm. I'm tired.  My resolve is getting stronger. I'm pretty sure I will be going. 

Eldest and hubby get into a fight. She's bawling. He's shouting. He turns to me and says I've changed my mind (meaning don't go!!)

I need this. Hubby is off work so it works. 

He can go away at the weekend if he wants. It's only fair. 

So after 9yrs of near 24/7 parenting I am having a real honest to goodness two over nighters!! It's almost surreal. 

The decision is made. We will all manage!! 

Meltdowns - random and loud

Losing the plot - mainly over dishes left everywhere

Breastfeeding - I'm pretty sure it's over and I feel ok about that. Well ok at the moment, since it hasn't happened and she will want morning milk and afternoon milk tomorrow anyway, which I'd forgotten about!!