Story of my life...

I NEED GO, THE KIDS ARE DOING THINGS. BYE. 

And we all know what I mean when I say doing stuff!! The kind of stuff where you just know you are thinking 'thank G-d it's not my kids'. Yup. Those are my kids. Thank them, if you get the chance, for taking the pressure off your day for a brief moment and feeling like your day is manageable. I reckon I'm performing a public service for parents everywhere taking my kids out in public!!!

😜😳😝😆😵

Food it's not fun yet

I'm all in a food kerfuffle. Have any of you heard about the spit test for thrush? I have no vaginal symptoms but itchy feet and majorly itchy scalp. The woman who did my colonic last Saturday told me about the spit test. Morning spit in water if it starts to streak down you have thrush....

...does everyone have yeast and some have an overgrowth and a problem?

I have basically for the last month stopped carbs (bread, rice, pasta etc) and of course refined sugar since May. 

The thrush diet is no mushrooms quorn dairy sugar so I would have nothing left to eat!! 

I basically am only eating protein dairy and fat just now and creamy mushrooms!!

I wish I wasn't so easily influenced by all the sensible sounding ways of eating.  

I've lost a stone which is great and my blood sugars are steadily lowering and remaining in the diabetic safe zone most of the time  (except for times of mega stress). I've reduced my medication back to two tablets a day. Sometimes only one if I forget!

It's been hard but I've kept at it. I'm still feeling tired but definitely not as much. Still getting mood swings but not nearly as bad. 

I feel obsessed with food again, a place I hate being in. Some days I get so overwhelmed with the thought of what to eat, how many carbs are in things, how many have I had, what's the weight of this, what's the percentage of that and the whole cooking thing that I end up not eating or eating late or just having Greek yoghurt and raspberries. As you all know numbers are not my strong point. 

My sister has gone all gung-ho with the low carb practically no carb diet after finding a knowledgeable woman called Mary Kemp who says diabetes can be reversed with a proper diet and she's finding it so easy and lost loads of weight and keeps her blood sugars in check really well. She can't understand why I'm not finding it as easy as her. She's not very tolerant of weakness. She was only pre diabetic and not on meds so is closer to maintaining than I am. 

Basically I'm not feeling great about the whole food and health thing again. And now this thrush protocol. 

I'm too scared to talk to my doc because NHS guidelines recommend at least 3 times the amount of carbs and say bread rice pasta etc is all ok as long as brown or wholewheat or whatever. And the diabetic nurse already said u was making things complicated and the group diabetes session basically recommends eating things that are 5g or less. 

No carb totally makes sense and I'm doing it its just that I think I'm blocked mentally somehow or worried I'm making things worse or something. Something is not allowing me to just get on. 

Sorry for ramble. 

Meltdowns - had quite a lot of 'I hate you' from 8yr old

Losing the plot - beyond exasperated 

Breastfeeding - yes. Still. 

Brings out the worst in people

I have had hostility and  condemnation thrown at me all week and I'm here to tell you I'm not taking any more of it. 

Hostility because of my different beliefs regarding what I eat and what I will and won't put on and in my body. I have educated and informed myself and made decision with regards to ethical, moral and health concerns. 

The fact is, it's my choice and your hostility only furthers my beliefs that your ignorance has no place in my life. 

Furthermore, the fact that I am Zionist does not give you the right to condemn me and vilify me and overtly blame me for all and any terrorist attacks that have occurred recently or will do in the future. When you think that me being a Jewish means I also think Palestinian citizens deserve to be treated in a certain way then it is you who needs to reevaluate your core beliefs and stop being antisemitic and stop believing propaganda. 

YOUR inciting hatred and disgraceful behavior is the reason there is so much pain, anger and hurt in the world.

Take your lunacy elsewhere.

I DO NOT ACCEPT OR WANT IT!

!

Beautifully Awesome Monster

It's that time of night when I sit all alone for longer than a nanosecond.  Hubby gets older two to bed where he often falls asleep till later, and I watch a really cool film or programme. 

Invariably there are characters interacting as mother-daughter or father-daughter or a character that's had a father or a mother. 

It either makes me feel like the worst mum in the world or the best. I think well at least I'm not as bad as *that* mum or OMG I need to be more like her.  Or I think, I wonder what kind of mother HE had to end up like THAT!! She was either awesome or a monster. 

It's also how I sometimes feel when on FB and in real life. 

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking how much therapy is going to cost for my kids when they are older or maybe I should just do it now, group therapy. Maybe that'd do it. Sort us out. Stop the fighting. The resentment. The shouting. The slavery feeling. The dealing with the oftentimes overwhelming high emotions that encompass my day. Of a toddler. Of a 7yr old and of a 9yr old and of a 42yr old. Lots of emotions and feelings. The relentlessness of it all!!!

And then half way through the film, Millie wakes up and if I don't fall asleep, I manage to finish the film and I then spend the rest of the night thinking how I'm going to be a better mum tomorrow.

Meltdown - spending all day navigating around them and through them and over them

Losing the Plot - I think it's lost forever 

Breastfeeding - it had decreased to a manageable level but then illness struck and weeeeeeee up its gone!!