I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Sunday, 21 September 2014

The chalk drawings are gone :(

Right. It's time to deal with my big pants and get on with it. Shit happens. We still have to live here for the time being until we move. I have to forget I was starting to feel happy and content and was making this place a home. I have to keep looking out of the window and love the view and the garden and the work I have done on it and not think about what we have to leave behind. I have to keep the house from degenerating into a child-made hovel!

I have to remember we are fortunate and very thankful to have the opportunities to be able to stay in the country. We *are* staying in the country. I couldn't bear to return to a city housing estate. I've had a taste of the life I have always wanted and I totally loved the time I was here. Green space. Nature. Relative seclusion (minus crazy farmer types) Fires. Independence and exploration for the girls. 

The girls. Ah, the girls. They now fear the farmer. They hide from the farmer. They need reassurance that the farmer can't hurt us. They need to hear me talk about how the farmer is a sad lonely man (who probably wasn't breastfed!) and not a man to be scared of and not a man who can harm us in any way. 

I'm so gutted at the thought of packing and clearing this house. Not just for the hard work of it but for this house we thought we felt a bond with a sense of déjàvu and feeling of being settled. 

I know ultimately it's for the best, we would have never felt secure here with the possibility of two months notice at any random moment, for any ridiculous crappy reason, rather than the four we have just now. Let's be realistic too. There is no way I could have kept up this level of cleanliness tidyness and gardenness without losing the will to live. 

We are not going to be homeless, if needs be, we will rent again and whilst we look for our own dream home.  We have the possibility of a new place already, It has many positives and a few major negatives. It's not the same ruralness but it has an incredible garden. It has no real fires but that can be a project. It is on a main road but it's a great size. It has a freaky layout but it is a roof over our heads.

So, for now I need to try and be ok with things, right now I need to stop my brain from moany spiralling, right now we are healthy and we have a kick ass full wood shed!!

I WILL be that happy again.

Meltdowns - could do without
Losing the Plot -  could do without
Breastfeeding - could do without

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