The chalk drawings are gone :(

Right. It's time to deal with my big pants and get on with it. Shit happens. We still have to live here for the time being until we move. I have to forget I was starting to feel happy and content and was making this place a home. I have to keep looking out of the window and love the view and the garden and the work I have done on it and not think about what we have to leave behind. I have to keep the house from degenerating into a child-made hovel!

I have to remember we are fortunate and very thankful to have the opportunities to be able to stay in the country. We *are* staying in the country. I couldn't bear to return to a city housing estate. I've had a taste of the life I have always wanted and I totally loved the time I was here. Green space. Nature. Relative seclusion (minus crazy farmer types) Fires. Independence and exploration for the girls. 

The girls. Ah, the girls. They now fear the farmer. They hide from the farmer. They need reassurance that the farmer can't hurt us. They need to hear me talk about how the farmer is a sad lonely man (who probably wasn't breastfed!) and not a man to be scared of and not a man who can harm us in any way. 

I'm so gutted at the thought of packing and clearing this house. Not just for the hard work of it but for this house we thought we felt a bond with a sense of déjàvu and feeling of being settled. 

I know ultimately it's for the best, we would have never felt secure here with the possibility of two months notice at any random moment, for any ridiculous crappy reason, rather than the four we have just now. Let's be realistic too. There is no way I could have kept up this level of cleanliness tidyness and gardenness without losing the will to live. 

We are not going to be homeless, if needs be, we will rent again and whilst we look for our own dream home.  We have the possibility of a new place already, It has many positives and a few major negatives. It's not the same ruralness but it has an incredible garden. It has no real fires but that can be a project. It is on a main road but it's a great size. It has a freaky layout but it is a roof over our heads.

So, for now I need to try and be ok with things, right now I need to stop my brain from moany spiralling, right now we are healthy and we have a kick ass full wood shed!!

I WILL be that happy again.

Meltdowns - could do without

Losing the Plot -  could do without

Breastfeeding - could do without

Silver Cloud and shit like that

FuckitybuggerybastardybollockyfuckshitearsewipeS

That fucking impending doom of shite other foot dropping bollox that I have been feeling has finally happened. After finding out a good friend died suddenly on Monday, I thought maybe that was is, but I knew it wasn't.  I had always known she would die, I have a whole book I could write about her.  It will have to wait now. She was unbelievable.  We all loved her. 

Anyway, I tried to ignore the feeling. I tried to excuse it as collywobbles and past insecure experiences. I was going to write a blog post about the feeling and how I was really trying embrace the fucking positive and get over old scripts. How I was overcoming my insecurities and living my life again. I should have listened to my instincts. 

He wants us out in January.  He hasn't given a proper reason says it's too much hassle. Basically, he doesn't have to give a reason. He's not renewing the lease.

Now to find something better than this place which has damp problems, a shitty sink drainer that pools, a tiny gap to get out of the kitchen and no fucking space on the counters, insecure living arrangements that could be terminated at any time with one months notice AND FUCK YOU COLERAINE!!

I'm over the shock. I'm going to make it work. I just hope the girls can cope. Fuck I was just starting to feel almost ok again. Not depressed, stressed and sad. I hope this works out. At least we made the move out of suburgatory. We are in the country now and we are staying. 

He told me to be a real mother and take my kids to the play park and to get a gate to lock them in. He complained about everything and wanted his garden in better condition than when we got it.  He has NO idea about raising children consciously and has way too high expectations. If you ever hear of someone thinking of moving to MosCOW, steer them clear. Tell them to run a mile. Don't even imagine you could try and make it work. 

Moving ultimately is the best plan it's just such a fucking nightmare!

I want to trash the fucking garden. I spent practically the whole day there yesterday. I'm gonna dump the weeds back in. The fucker.  

So up yours farmer grumpy. You can swivel on your fly infested, damp smelling, manky water house. 

The Berlow-Jackson's are moving in to better pastures. 

I knew the chocolate cake would come in handy!

Meltdowns - increasing

Losing the Plot - on the up

Breastfeeding - thinking about a playground flashmob :0

I just want ower side milk

10.50am Decide to do some gardening

Get tools

Sit down to weed

Millie needs a poo

Come back to garden

Millie 'helps'

Clear Millie mess

Stick fork in ground

Millie wants on

Clear some weeds

Millie wants her ride-on 

Clear more weeds

Millie starts removing bulbs 

Put bulbs back

Millie wants milk

11.15am sit and listen to music in sunny garden whilst feeding Millster

<3 Roll with it. The best years of Millie's life <3

What are you trying to do today?