Buggerz

I've been swimming in denial for about a year now. I know I shouldn't be doing it. I know it's genetic and age related. I know my brother and my father both got it. I know ALL this, yet I just couldn't stop.

Every night, once the kids are finally asleep and I am finally settled on the sofa after my dinner, we eat chocolate.  Not talking a wee bar here, I'm talking the big big ones. The yummy massive ones. And sometimes a bag of something else chocolatey. It is my treat for making it through the day. E. V. E. R. Y. night. 

Except sometimes, I have it during the day too. Especially if I am feeling crappy. It boosts me with it's lovely chocolatey seratonin kick. I find I can't feel complete with my meal if I don't seal it with chocolate. I'm totally addicted. 

I have a very addictive personality. If it's in the house I can't ignore it. If I want some and don't get it, I get all withdrawy and edgy. It's quite scary. 

I knew I needed to cut down but I just kept ignoring it. Making excuses. I deserve it. I've earned it. I NEED IT DAMMIT!!

Well my ticking time bomb has finally been activated. My blood sugar levels are elevated and I have an appointment with the Dr tomorrow who will no doubt tell me to sort out my diet and stop eating my beloved chocolate. I'm still hoping it's all a big error (I know it's not). 

The diet recently has mainly consisted of pasta which hasn't helped either. When money is tight, pasta is cheap and easy. Frankly I am sick of pasta, so I won't be sad to cut that down. I just really need to get my arse back into cooking gear and start making proper healthy meals again. I'm going to need to dig out my gestational diabetes pregnancy food diet and start following that again. 

Honestly I am not looking forward to any of it. I love my chocolate. Giving it up is hard. If I go through a day without it, that's amazing for me. I had to stop all sugar during my pregnancy and all I did was dream about chocolate.  I even made a blog post about it.  I'm trying new recipes of pseudo chocolate with cocoa and bananas and avocados but it's just not tobelerone :(

The other thing I'm going to need to do now is more exercise. I'm dreading this too especially with my back pain. I guess walking toddler pace just doesn't cut it!

I suppose it explains my extreme tiredness and constant hunger.  I'm really quite depressed about it all which makes me even less inclined to want to take on this huge task of change but I'm going to have to. 

Basically I am a big fat mess of unhealthy and it's time to face reality, deal with myself and sort my shit out. 

Meltdowns - eldest is going through something, so on the increase 

Losing the plot - too tired

Breastfeeding - reduces risk of diabetes but doesn't completely stop it if you still eat rubbish!