Diary of an unconscious mother: To this day

Sunday 29 September 2013

To this day - a video by Shane Koyczan

I was bullied in secondary school. It was antisemitic. It was name calling. It was bitchy. It was merciless. It was relentless. It was horrendous. It affected my whole entire being and drove me to solitude, bulimia and negative self worth.

To this day, I still often believe I am not worthy of friendship. I am not strong enough to cope. I am not worthy of happiness. I am not enough.

To this day my confidence wavers in new situations. I put on a smile and act all together. I pretend I'm not scared and that they can't see right through me.

To this day I still find it so difficult when my children (and others) ignore me or walk away when I'm talking or take little interest in something I'm showing them. I take it so personally and years of negative self worth suddenly bubbles to the surface and blows it all out of proportion. The sadness overwhelms. The upset cripples me. I feel so tiny. I have to reign myself in to not over react.

It's been over 20 years and the feelings still linger. The doubts still creep in. My self worth is still sometimes tied up in what other people think of me. I still have to fight the urge to disappear in a room of people and become invisible. I often go the opposite way and become gregarious and uber confident which then makes me unapproachable anyway. I have a great skill of being able to hear all conversations but not be involved in any. Act like a social butterfly whilst just blending in. I worry I'll be found out. Pointed out. Look she's not *really* here. She's faking it. She's wasting good space. Send her home

Insecurity and self doubt is crippling. I wonder what those bullies are up to now. I wonder how their lives panned out. I wonder how terrible they feel about themselves. I wonder if they perpetuated the cycle and created nasty little bullying children.

I'm trying not to. My kids are confident. My kids know love and security. They know bullying doesn't feel good and being a bully feels even worse. They know kindness and in turn show kindness. I also hope they will know happiness is not as elusive as I always felt it was.