To this day - a video by Shane Koyczan

I was bullied in secondary school. It was antisemitic. It was name calling. It was bitchy. It was merciless. It was relentless.   It was horrendous. It affected my whole entire being and drove me to solitude, bulimia and negative self worth. 

To this day, I still often believe I am not worthy of friendship. I am not strong enough to cope. I am not worthy of happiness. I am not enough. 

To this day my confidence wavers in new situations. I put on a smile and act all together. I pretend I'm not scared and that they can't see right through me. 

To this day I still find it so difficult when my children (and others) ignore me or walk away when I'm talking or take little interest in something I'm showing them. I take it so personally and years of negative self worth suddenly bubbles to the surface and blows it all out of proportion. The sadness overwhelms. The upset cripples me. I feel so tiny. I have to reign myself in to not over react. 

It's been over 20 years and the feelings still linger. The doubts still creep in. My self worth is still sometimes tied up in what other people think of me. I still have to fight the urge to disappear in a room of people and become invisible. I often go the opposite way and become gregarious and uber confident which then makes me unapproachable anyway. I have a great skill of being able to hear all conversations but not be involved in any. Act like a social butterfly whilst just blending in. I worry I'll be found out. Pointed out. Look she's not *really* here. She's faking it. She's wasting good space. Send her home

Insecurity and self doubt is crippling. I wonder what those bullies are up to now. I wonder how their lives panned out. I wonder how terrible they feel about themselves. I wonder if they perpetuated the cycle and created nasty little bullying children. 

I'm trying not to. My kids are confident. My kids know love and security. They know bullying doesn't feel good and being a bully feels even worse. They know kindness and in turn show kindness. I also hope they will know happiness is not as elusive as I always felt it was. 

Bullying destroys. 

Watch this really powerful video:-

http://www.upworthy.com/bullies-called-him-pork-chop-he-took-that-pain-with-him-and-then-cooked-it-into

Meltdowns - after school specials 

Losing the plot - too tired to 

Breastfeeding - Having that weaning feeling because ramped up for teething. 

There must be a better reason

I dont get it. 

She sees something she wants. She opens it. She explores it. 

It needs the plug. 

I say it's probably over there under the sofa

She doesn't even look. I mean she goes over,  she stands behind the sofa but doesn't actually look. You know as in bend down, look under and maybe lift a blanket a bit. 

She stands there sort of looking then gives up and leaves the room. 

A few mins later I peer and its right there. Easy. 

Why? Tell me why? Is she lazy? 

Barry says its cos she's lazy but there must be more to it. Are 6yr olds lazy? It's probably my fault in some way. Isn't it always?!!

I *want* to believe its for another reason. I want to believe she maybe wasn't sure what she was looking for. Or something. Anything. I can't even think of another explanation. 

I'm menstrual, tired and just done in, so I then get irrational,  petty and mean and try and stop Barry from setting it up and plugging it in by saying "fuck that why should you? If she wants it she can do it herself". 

Such a great example I'm setting of kindness and compassion. It probably actually is my fault!

Thankfully he ignores me. 

Proceed as Normal

Until someone tells me otherwise I am going to try and live as though everything is great. 

I'm going to pretend that raising three small children without a tribe isn't often overwhelming.

I'm going to pretend that things are going really well. 

I'm going to pretend that we are not in permanent financial crisis. 

I'm going to pretend that sending my kids to school is something I wanted for them. 

I'm going to pretend that having SS white bearing (earworm for the mind) in hubby's every thoughts or lurking in my brain isn't creating more stress.

I'm going to pretend. 

I don't like that word. Pretend. 

Lets find another one. 

I'm going to live like I'm not in pain all the time. 

I'm going to live like I don't care that the girls don't eat what I cook. 

I'm going to live like I don't care that we now rely heavily on processed food. 

I'm going to live like I don't care that I shout too much at the girls

I'm going to live like I don't care that the house is never tidy for more than an hour. 

I'm going to live like I don't care.

Hmm I'm not so sure about that phrase now....

Live like I don't care.  

I do care. I care a lot. It bothers me often. 

But for now I'm care free. That's me. Happy and care free living my life.  Yes. 

But for now I'm going to try and live as though everything is great.  

Fake it till you make it. 

Law of attraction. Come on then fucker. Activate. Begin.  Do your thing!  

Meltdowns - the fire is out, yes I know you want more fire but, there is no wood left

Losing the Plot - did I ever have it?

Breastfeeding - OMG. Teeth!