Making things worse

You know that thing that happens when you are on a path to destruction and it just gets worse and worse. I did that this afternoon. I couldn't stop myself. I knew I was being unreasonable and mean for the sake of it. I could hear and see what I was doing, like I was watching it from the sidelines. I knew the more I spoke the worse it would be yet I continued to prod and provoke. I knew exactly why she was continuing to meltdown but I just don't know why I didn't stop.

It had been an okish day. The morning wasn't too great as Millie was über needy and I was mega tired. Later on, Maia and Millie and I went to our new Thula Mama singing class. I can't sing for toffee but its always nice to be among other adults!

We went to pick up Ellie and I was standing right at the bottom of the steps after asking her teacher a question. Ellie couldn't see me for looking which irritated me, already. Then, even though I was obviously here and picking her up and her teacher obviously could see me, she refused to move from her place until she had let the teacher know her mummy was there. Which I was. ONE foot in front of her. I stepped forward to take her hand to bring her out of the queue and leave. She started to protest that she needed to tell the teacher. I argued that she didn't, took her hand and started walking to the car. She freaked out and refused to move. I knew what was wrong but I also protested.

It really really bothers me that since starting school Ellie has stopped thinking for herself. She conforms to the norm too much and toes the party line through fear of retribution (in the form of bloody star charts). So there we are arguing to and fro. I need to tell the teacher. No you don't. Yes I do. Stop being a robot. Think for yourself. I'm not a robot. Yes you are. No I'm not. You know, really mature stuff. I start off for the car. She deliberately starts walking slowly complaining/shrieking that I'm not waiting for her. I slow down. She slows down more. I give up and go to the car. She becomes even more upset. She eventually gets in car but won't put her seatbelt on properly. Just the lap bit. I start driving. She freaks, saying I can't do that as she hasn't got her belt on. I say 'pull the shoulder strap across then' and continue to drive. She freaks even more refusing to do it unless I stop. I don't stop. She continues to meltdown in the back of the car.


We stop at the garage for petrol. In a moment of niceness and because they were reduced, I buy them a wee bar of chocolate. This makes Ellie notice her plastic bag bin is missing and *instantly* meltsdown again before I have a chance to explain I needed to use it yesterday for a dog poo bag. I chuck a new one in the back. It's the wrong colour. She freaks. I chuck another one and drive off. She completely loses it because she can't attach the bag on the back of the seat and I won't stop. By now I have lost total interest in salvaging the situation and I am so totally over the craziness of it all. I switch off and turn the radio up to drown out her protests and declarations of hate. Once home, I want to take my phone back even though she is using it. I don't need it, I'm just on a mean streak. I don't follow through and let her keep it. We avoid each other for a while and then I sit beside her and suggest we start again. She's not keen.

Seriously. If I had just made an over the top acknowledgement to her teacher that I was there and had her, none of that would have happened. Maybe....

Meltdown - conformist

Losing the plot - pointless

Breastfeeding - feeling touched out