I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

What do I remember?

I only ever remember being spanked/hit once...for poking the cats eyes, but i wonder if there had been a campaign of trying to get me to stop bothering the cat because I do remember we used to put the cat, Riley, on a spinning chair and then watch him try and walk (no wonder he always looked pissed off!) or if the eye poking was once off that was stopped pretty damn quick. I dont even remember now what I was doing, if I was using anything, I just know I was smacked for it.

My older brother and sister say they were swiped regularly, not smacked, spanked or hit, but you know back of leg type thing, I don't remember it with me...I wonder if my mum realised by child 3 that it wasn't an effective parenting method.  I've done it in the heat of a moment type swipe (thankfully I can still count on one hand how often and it has also thankfully been a while ago too) and realised it wasn't the best way to help a child understand, I felt terrible, said child looked visibly terrible which made me feel even more terrible, its terrible, its not anywhere you want to go, to end up being immune to doing or receiving.  I have never used it as a consequence, since we TRY to use natural consequence and there is nothing natural about smacking, swiping or otherwise and I've never used it as a threat, since I know enough to know the threat of physical violence isn't an effective parenting tool!! There are loads and bucket loads  of links to studies that show the effect of smacking, swiping, hitting, swatting, switching, whatevering you want to call it.... Dr Momma's is quite comprehensive. If those don't scare the shit out of you to stop using *that* kind of parenting as a parenting tool, then prob no amount of information would and we probably couldn't be friends either.  No loss.

I really don't remember what kind of parenting tools my mum and dad had to keep me on the straight and narrow, but I can hazard a guess,  I remember my dad used to shout a lot...like I do.  I remember my dad chasing my sister up the stairs once, in a mad rage, NO idea what that was about, must have been serious, my dad was not what you would call 'the running up stairs' type.  That was scary enough to watch.  I've never done that.

I remember my dad not being there during the day, coming home from work eating masses of the wrong foods, smoking, being over weight and being stressed and dying when I was 21, I remember it a lot. I remember my mum being unwell a lot with manic depression and and I remember she used to lie on her bed and rest a lot.  But I digress from the smacking.

I'm still learning what that all means for me on my mothering journey. I do remember trying to be the peacemaker in my family when I was young, not wanting to rock the boat and trying to help everyone keep together...it never worked, its sometimes doesn't work with my own family now either!! 

I do know the remaining calm, the negotiator role, the facilitator to problem solving, the loving role, the...the being the mum I want to be role.....it works.  It works more often than not.  And that's more often I am happy with.

Meltdowns - increasing recently, need to check into that
Losing the Plot - conscious effort not to resulting in quieter house
Breastfeeding - NEWBORN!!! You wouldn't beleive the amount of resource articles I have for the feeding issues we have had, as soon as I have even a Milliemoment, as I am now calling them, to formulate it!! Point in check, this post was written previously, I have only added and changed a few bits,  before I need to be off doing something else!!  
Newbornometer  - feeding lots, pooing painful (prob pizza the other night), peeing lots, screaming LOUD!
girls to bed - happy

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