Diary of an unconscious mother: All For the Want of a Nail

Sometimes is good to have a schpeigel. In this case it was a 30minutes hoover schpeigel of the downstairs...well minus the back room, because that means more than just hoovering . Its freed up at least another couple of weeks where I can get by on occasional surface hoovering time!! This in turns means more time doing other stuff. (Believe me, no matter if we hoover every single day which, I used to try to do, I quickly realised it wasn't worth it in so many ways. Now, I don't have the inclination or time for it and anyway, it wouldn't matter because this carpet is all one colour, a lovely deep red colour. It was amazing new, pre mobile children, but to cut a long story short which most will 'get', next time i am going 70's patterned in creams and brown swirls)

Anyway back to the schpeigeling, things have been tested to my limit for me recently, what with unbelievable pain, social services and MASSIVE fight (again) with my mother. Most will know my view on the whole SS visit which while quite stressful and definitely not something I would want or need every week....was just another way of cementing to me that I DO NOT want to be the kind of parent you see dragging their child out of a place kicking and screaming, I WANT to be the kind of parent that comes to some kind of arrangement where everyone leaves feeling happy, secure satisfied and feeling the love. Yes I know there was nakedness but G-D dammit we were all naked once. And YES I am irked that my girls don't get the choice to meet daddy naked when he comes home from work...and I have to coerce them with a threat of not being able to meet daddy...I always LOVED dancing naked in the rain for a few moments!!! It's more about having that choice. It's always about having the choice.

The inconceivable pain was from a month of me trying to manage my sciatica without pain medication culminating in me screaming the pain was worse than childbirth and demanding more drugs than ibuprofen to which I literally laughed in the Dr's face at and got tramadol and diazepam for my incredulity. I just received a text from a friend who suggested that sciatic pain means one is dealing with emotional issues maybe needing more support or needing to stand up for oneself. Usually deep inner issues. All related to muscle tension which is a direct expression of emotional tension. Hello, my name is Mummy and I have emotional issues.

Which brings me to the show down with my mother another one where she makes a comment too much, another show down where she complains about the state of the house...oh no wait, this one included my children this time... that's a comment too far...... I am not proud to say I did not respond with the level of compassion and love I so desire which slightly negated most of our argument about breaking the cycle of emotional abuse that she doesn't believe has a placing in her relationship with her grandchildren..or even existed with me. ''You could be so pretty...if only you did x y whatever condition I am putting on my unconditional love for you today''. When push comes to shove though....I always revert to what I am trying in desperation to avoid. I am proud to say that I stood up for myself and my children. Hello, my name is mummy and I have emotional issues that I am trying DAMN hard not pass on to my children.

Anyway with our amassed time from not having a spotless home, we managed a trip into town to see a wee theatre play, it was totally delightful, Maia was mesmerized, Ellie was engaged, they both were laughing and no-one took their clothes off, no-one peed in the gutter, no-one ended up in tears....well ok......at the end, Ellie in her excitement to go down the lift BY. HERSELF. pushed Maia over which made her very upset then indignant then rendered unable to walk and ended up with me having to carry her back to the busstop but it's a different upset from a beginning of the day upset which can change the whole dynamic of our day.

Siblings without Rivalry is arriving in the post soon and for the record, this is the room AFTER a schpeigling, I think two weeks may be an over estimate.