Dear Inner Child

Hello little me

Dance freely wee one, I'm sorry your mum and dad didn't foster your obvious love of dancing.

I'm sorry you were pushed down paths by well meaning people.

I'm sorry you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself

I'm sorry you were allowed to watch a scary program with the babysitter which resulted in nightmares for months

I'm sorry your mum was always in bed when you got home from school.

I'm sorry you felt unheard.  

I'm sorry you were physically and mentally bullied by your brother and nothing was ever done to help you.

I'm sorry your sister and brother found a nickname for you and teased you relentlessly for a very long time.

I'm sorry you lost your security blanket called a batty. I'm sorry your mum tried to make you get rid of it and probably hid it.

I'm sorry life changed so drastically for you after your sister's sexual assault. You weren't aware of what had actually happened but you certainly felt the stress and anguish and fear your parents laid upon you.

You somehow learned that being the good quiet girl kept you under the radar but it made you minimise yourself and people have been asking you to do that to yourself ever since.

I'm sad that your secondary school years were such a shambles, with no friends anymore and constant bullying which was never really resolved properly.

I'm sorry there was so much pressure on you to be as clever as other people or to be thinner or prettier or faster or smarter or better. Always being told you're not good enough the way you were. You were brilliant. I'm sad your mum never saw that.

I'm sorry your siblings had no time or respect for you and treated you like a nuisance and a threat.

I'm sad that you were emotionally neglected and never had a proper chance to connect with your parents. So much unsaid and glossed over or 'fixed'.

I'm sorry I dragged you in and out of therapy your whole life with no real progress.

I'm sorry I started drinking so young and ruined your chances of having some semblance of ok teenage years.

I'm sad you put so much of yourself into your first proper relationship only to never feel he was good or strong enough for you and that all you actually had in common was alcohol and fun.

I'm so sad how your life could have been so different.