We bring over so much known and unknown baggage, so much known and unknown opinions and beliefs. The way we react to certain situations. The way we feel about different things. The nuances and ideas and issues and all round basic emotional fuckwittage all come from the way our own parents parented us. I say 'all' but I guess I must mean mostly since after a while other factors/people do come into play.
In the beginning though it *does* all come from the way our own parents parent us. Their influence, their involvement, their love, their acceptance, their connection, their hugs, their kisses, their arms, their warmth, their presence. It all matters. From the very beginning. From the moment you are born. (Actually I'm beginning to understand and believe more and more that it starts before birth and the way you are born makes a huge difference, but I'm in danger of going way off on another rant/tangent) Back to being born. Laying down the foundations of your development. Emotionally. Physically. Behaviourally. Everythingally. It all matters. It all counts. It leads to brain pathways being wired. It leads to the essence of who you are and how you function. You know big proper important stuff.
It all starts to deteriorate, with disconnection. Bit by bit, little by little. Cutting mothers aprons strings or cutting the umbilical cord it was once known as. Ironic given that it is now scientifically proven and well on its way to becoming almost standard practice in most hospitals to actually LEAVE the umbilical cord attached until it has finished it's vital function of blood and nutrient transfer!
"“But aren’t we meant to let go?” many parents ask. “Aren’t our children meant to
become independent of us?” Absolutely, but only when our job is done and only
in order for them to be themselves. Fitting in with the immature expectations of
the peer group is not how the young grow to be independent, self-respecting
adults. By weakening the natural lines of attachment and responsibility, peer orientation undermines healthy development" Gabor Maté,
(Really it does start with conception, pregnancy labour and actual birth but I promised I wouldn't go into that. If you want look here and here and here and here to pique your interest!)
So back to being head fucked from having kids.....
By unknown, I mean It may not even be something you are even aware you are doing. It's so ingrained into your psyche that it becomes unconscious. It becomes routine. It becomes normal. It becomes societal norm. But is it? So much of what is considered normal by societies standards makes me want to strangle society and knock some sense into it. Oh dear there goes my ingrained subconscious mind reacting again. I mean, I would like to reset societal norms back to their roots through gentle and nurturing ways.
- When it becomes ok to completely medicalise birth, hand care and responsibility over and remove your self and your baby's needs completely from the process then it's time to rethink societal norm. When it becomes ok to stop a mother feeding her baby whilst breasts are sexualised and objectified more and more then it's time to rethink societal norm. When it becomes ok to not hold your tiny vulnerable baby then it's time to rethink societal norm. When it becomes ok to not go to a crying baby then it's time to rethink societal norm. When it becomes ok to not pick up a crying baby then it's time to rethink societal norm. When it becomes ok to leave your child to cry into a pool of his own vomit then it's time to rethink societal norm. When it becomes ok to stop responding to your child's needs because they are no longer a 'baby' then it's time to rethink societal norm -
There is so much more I could say. I could go on and on in this way. Really though, it's time to stop and think about what we are doing to our babies, what we are doing to our children and what we are doing to ourselves and its time to stop the madness and get back to connecting, bonding and establishing those scientific neural pathways.
Did you ever think about the consequences of your actions? Did you ever think about how your words and your actions could affect your child? Did you ever lie awake at night and wonder if you were doing the right thing? Did you ever think about your own childhood and what was modeled for you? Did you ever make the connection?
Do you actually believe that how you responded was really the most nurturing and gentle way?
I sometimes wonder.....
Meltdowns - a communication to stop, think, breathe
Losing the Plot - a communication to stop, think, breathe
Breastfeeding - a way to stop, think, breathe