I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Coming down

I am coming down.   That’s all I can explain it as.  I am coming down off the urgent feeling of impending disaster.  I am coming down from the intensity of anger that someone dare come into MY home and tell me how to raise my children without allowing me the opportunity to explain, due to fear.  I am coming down from the unbelievable shitty feeling that I don’t know how to parent.  Everyone’s support and responses have been heartening, I have a long way to go and I wish to G-d some of you lived near me but your words are all I can go on just now and they have reminded me of the most important thing…connection with my girls.  It feels like I have a lot of work to get it back and in the past week, , I have been taking things low key,  I have effectively given ‘control’ of things over to my husband because I have just been unable to ‘deal’ with any negative behaviour without feeling like I am going to explode or say something regretful.  He went back to work yesterday and I have been making such an incredible effort not to lose it and to try and connect with Ellie.  I admit it has been really hard and by about 4pm I am not in a great place L .  I feel like I am starting again everyday.  But I think bit by bit, we are making it work again, she is slowly trusting me again and pushing me less and less or maybe she is realising its not a good idea, not sure.  There is always the worry that it’s through fear of me ‘losing it’ but I am really trying hard to deal with things differently.  I KNOW she is doing it for a reaction and a connection, it’s just so hard.  Last night she was completely wild and sugar rush demented but I kept my cool, hubby was most impressed!  It’s such a disheartening feeling to feel like I have lost my connection with her just now.  Some days it feels pointless and I feel hopeless and like it’s a lost cause then I feel even more guilty and resolve to try harder.  Its so hard to know how much is normal 4yr old and it really breaks my heart to think that she is a product of me and through all my reading and knowing I have still managed to fuck up and go off course for a while.  I know it is all temporary.  I am doing the best I can. I just feel like I have to start again somehow.

Meltdowns - coming down
Losing the Plot - coming down
Breastfeeding - hahaha

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