Dear Inner Child

Hello little me

Dance freely wee one, I'm sorry your mum and dad didn't foster your obvious love of dancing.

I'm sorry you were pushed down paths by well meaning people.

I'm sorry you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself

I'm sorry you were allowed to watch a scary program with the babysitter which resulted in nightmares for months

I'm sorry your mum was always in bed when you got home from school.

I'm sorry you felt unheard.  

I'm sorry you were physically and mentally bullied by your brother and nothing was ever done to help you.

I'm sorry your sister and brother found a nickname for you and teased you relentlessly for a very long time.

I'm sorry you lost your security blanket called a batty. I'm sorry your mum tried to make you get rid of it and probably hid it.

I'm sorry life changed so drastically for you after your sister's sexual assault. You weren't aware of what had actually happened but you certainly felt the stress and anguish and fear your parents laid upon you.

You somehow learned that being the good quiet girl kept you under the radar but it made you minimise yourself and people have been asking you to do that to yourself ever since.

I'm sad that your secondary school years were such a shambles, with no friends anymore and constant bullying which was never really resolved properly.

I'm sorry there was so much pressure on you to be as clever as other people or to be thinner or prettier or faster or smarter or better. Always being told you're not good enough the way you were. You were brilliant. I'm sad your mum never saw that.

I'm sorry your siblings had no time or respect for you and treated you like a nuisance and a threat.

I'm sad that you were emotionally neglected and never had a proper chance to connect with your parents. So much unsaid and glossed over or 'fixed'.

I'm sorry I dragged you in and out of therapy your whole life with no real progress.

I'm sorry I started drinking so young and ruined your chances of having some semblance of ok teenage years.

I'm sad you put so much of yourself into your first proper relationship only to never feel he was good or strong enough for you and that all you actually had in common was alcohol and fun.

I'm so sad how your life could have been so different.

Discrimination and Ignorance was not why I was there

The whole world is on fire and we are fairly fucked here in the UK. I can't see past any of this to any kind of future and I don't understand how complacent and compliant people are being.

Fucking nurse at GP surgery refused to take my blood cos I wasn't wearing a mask. I have an exemption and have been in the practice many times before. Half the sodding country don't wear them anymore. It's just ludicrous and frustrating and stressful.

I definitely got poor health care. I wasn't able to talk to her about any of the things I was meant to be there for, because she was being such a *itch.  I said you can't deny me healthcare. She effectively said she could as she backed herself into a corner trying to keep away from me. I was already having a bad day and I was too upset, tired and depressed to even try talking to her and I just put the mask on to get out as fast as I could.

And there is your proof of division, discrimination and ignorance.

#hadenough

#naturalimmunityisbest

#DisabilityDiscrimination

No one is born in the wrong body. Fired Up one more time

The fucking Lancet are in on it now.....some fantastic responses from Posie Parker, Millie Hill and many more...add your WOMAN MOUTH WORDS.........✊😡

I became so fired up by this tweet and the responses from thousands upon thousands that I decided to take one last step.

After stopping discussing with my children or mentioning anything remotely about the dying off of women, feminism, misogyny, transing children, the terrible terrible agenda that is going on behind it all. I decided to have one last try.

I sat with them both and basically said, I want you to read this thread and understand the issue that is being presented here. Erasure of WOMAN right in front of your eyes from a well respected long running medical paper.

I was so sad that we have come so far but not far enough that our children have been pawned for it to come to this. 

I did my best to talk to them about how important this issue has become in the outer world world that there are people out there being persecuted and fired for speaking the truth. How biology really cannot simply be changed by saying so. 

#WomenWontWeesht 

#StandingforWoman

#itsallconnectedtothetransexplosion

#highestpercentofreferralsaregirlswithASD

https://twitter.com/TheLancet/status/1441372277786951681?t=jUSXe-vtmO0EKV_m4VKGFQ&s=19

Walk a mile in my shoes

I say I feel. Hugely.

You say my feelings are 

Too big

Too negative

Too wrong

I say imagine feeling that way?

How awful would that be?

To feel them so.

What you actually said was things are not as bad as you feel.

Imagine though, imagine you felt they were?

Unconscious Gender Critical Always supporting Mother

My jubilance is almost upon me but I remain cautious still.

Yesterday mornings news regarding the GRA which I caught at 2am round my fire sent my vindication terfidity soaring through the damp Scottish sky.

I'd learned that I had 'Peak Transed' around February when in desperation one day I called Stephanie from Trangendered Trend. I only realised this a few days ago when I heard and found out what it meant to Peak Trans. I was advised to go on mumsnet 😱😂 thank G-d I probably won't need to now!!!

I spend my kids lives growing up telling them that colours are for everyone, you can wear what you want, clothes don't define you and be who you want as society doesn't define you either. You can love who you want as long as you are not hurting anyone.

Name changing is all the rage at the moment. It is, in some cases a childish desire for autonomy, self identity, confidence, a change, an excitement and sometimes it's a step towards being Transed by a misguided and confusing agenda and subject that I do not think my children should be introduced to at a young age.

Since when did it stop being my choice what my children are being indoctrinated by?

When my eldest went to high school joined the LGBQTI lunch time club, there were meetings and conferences and my kids acquired many colourful flags and badges and validation for being ASD/different/quirky.

For the last few years, we have been immersed in the whole shebang. My kids are so confused and explorative and inclusive and caring and adamant they are right. Eldest has changed from gay to bisexual to now non binary (wtaf is that anyway!) and the middle has been self harming wanting to be a boy.  The youngest 8 just goes along with whatever makes her siblings (can't say sisters now,) happy.

I'm so bone tired from it all, having to balance their needs and support them whilst also being GC is really hard. Lots of confusion, arguing, understanding, talking and storming off. 

I feel so bad for my parents now. It's a nightmare time for teenagers to be young and impressionable and impulsive  🙄I'm sure we weren't this bad lol

I spoke personally to Stephanie at Transgendered Trend in February when this all finally blew up at home and we found out about the reason for the self harming. 

I talked for ages on the way to work one day in a traffic jam..she was brilliant but put the fear of G-d in me by compounding everything I had been researching up until that point. 

I guess I reached Peak Trans. I ended up in an absolute state, consoled by boss, who understood my situation but really if you haven't 'experienced' your child wanting to die and cut themselves AND be a boy then you can't truly 'get it'. I was sent home, straight to docs, put on medication and basically been a living hell since. I was just almost turning around from my miscarriage and subsequent realisation that this is the end for my womb and her wombfullness and I was hit with another crisis.

Middle had been seeing an IHeart therapist last year which helped her in other ways as it wasn't a 'specific' talking therapy. We tried to get help from CAHMS and school. CAHMS said no, no previous mental health issues. School were great but educatiom and beuracratic systems run slow and I basically heard the news (that I had been waiting almost two months for) that the school educational psychologist doesn't deal with self harm only educational issues. I am fairly sure if covid19 hadn't happened, her education would have suffered. 

The GP was seeing her weekly. Saw her twice. Then covid19 happened. She was starting some art therapy at school. Then covid19 happened. 

I was more relieved than ever when the  schools closed and not just because of covid19.

Now, I just need reassurances that schools and other authorities are going to help sort this mess out and help my family feel less shell shocked by the whole experience. 

I have absolutely no issues with gay, lesbian even bisexual  but I draw the line at this new fad of transing my kids.  

I draw the line at other ideas and theories about this confusing time for our children NOT being allowed to be discussed by professionals. Their only alternative being affirmation of trans route. I draw the line at changing the lived in time from 2yrs to 3/6 months. I draw the line at age changing from 18 to 16. I draw the line at my kids being transed behind my back by social media, school and the Government. 

I am, as ever supportive of my children's gender journey even though it freaks me out often. I discussed things regarding LGBTQI with lesbian and straight and gay friends to make sure I wasn't pushing my agenda or stepping on my kids boundaries for TWO years. We ate and breathed LGBQTI we talked about it at the dinner table, for a long long time it was the only thing the eldest would talk about, we were supportive. We went on Pride March, we got her the badges and the flags and we listened but things just turned scary and escalated in a way I couldn't understand or keep up with. In a way that seemed scary and misguided to me. 

I've lost IRL friends over this but you know, I'm used to it now with my strong views lol

I feel kind of vindicated by the GRA reform being stopped yet worried all at the time.

 

Now I am worried for all those young kids who are being fed the biological sex lie and that transing is safe and harmless and were hanging their lives on this life affirming and life changing stuff...life or death for some of those kids who are about to be 16 and who are not able to handle this news.

Now, I'm educating myself again and wondering what is the next step for families caught up in this...what are the school going to do to even out this confusing mess for our children?

.

....what a damn mess for everyone. 

Children still need to know that transwomen are not women and transmen are not men. Transgender is transgender.

Transwoman can still have penises and I believe that any amount of medication and castration and alteration will never ever change the innate immutable fact that they were born and lived male or female or intersex AND that changing your sex will not be a panacea for their dysphoria.

Lesbians ( ffs everyone) should be able to say NO to a 'female penis' because some man has decided to self ID as a woman and so now lesbians must ACCEPT the PENIS and gay men should be allowed to make their mind up ( not too sure yet how this issue impacts gay mens right's) and ME as a woman and mother am allowed to say I feel there is a trans issue being conflated with gender identity and NORMAL questioning of gender and laterally sexuality, the two are different and it is creating a transgender epidemic in children too young to fully understand the complex issues. 

Children are pushed by parents  and media/peers/ one way or another. Some parents are over accepting and go down the trans route, I believe because it is woke and in vogue and they are scared by the high suicide rate amongst gender dysphoria children. This should not happen to babies, toddlers or children. Some parents go down the hate route and are total bastards to their children when they start being aware of other's way of expression. They denounce all LGBT existence and rights and throw their kids out for exploring this side of their life. These are two extremes and as a gender critical woman I am neither of those and it is MY right as a woman and a mother to think this way. 

Transpeople already have rights. They start at 18. Before that you have rights as a child and one of them(!) is the parents right to say no to the incoming UK onslaught of chemically altering children on a whim, talking about anal sex to primary school kids, encouraging and stomping on women's rights and erasing women from every day language, not to mention the confusion and dangers of self ID for all. 

Binding, puberty blockers, hormones and chemical castration are NOT the answer for my children (or any child). I really don't think I will ever think differently even when or if I actually have to. So if my children decide at 18 to go down this route then so be it but I'll be damned if I accept that RIGHT now for my 11yr old that the trans route is the ONLY route. 

I will not accept professionals being PUSHED/forced to take the child down the trans route at such a young age and with such vigour and in such a short space of time. 

I will not accept that Dr's, professionals and ANYONE who thinks this way should be silenced.  Especially over my children. 

My child can no longer make this LIFE and BODY altering decision themselves at 16 after 3 months of deciding this. For the work of gender critical females and feminist and women and men and transmen and transwomen who spoke up, I thank you. 

Radical or Woman

I'm beginning to think I may be a radical feminist as well as a lactivist and even though I'm just a wannabe unschooler, I'm definitely a CC/AP parent and I'm starting to be actually quite settled with my choices these days. I'm not trying to deliberately hurt anyone, I'm not hating anyone, I feel I'm promoting more protection and understanding of children. I'm not enticing anyone to be evil.

I have to say though I'm not too sure with having a radical since it has such a negative connotation these days. With the actual definition of radical though, I'm happy with that. 

In the beginning women who wanted to wear trousers were radical. Women who wanted to vote were radical. Women who want to drive. Women who want to marry AND work. Women who want to have abortions, go to university, have bank accounts. Women who don't want to be raped or beaten within marriage and fight against the law. 

It all starts with women, women feeling undervalued, diminished and unequal. 

Let's remember what 'radical' feminism has achieved for women's rights and still is. Let's remember what women have fought and struggled for and still do in many countries. Let's remember what women had to and still sometimes do have to endure during pregnancy and labour and marriage and let's not forget that many women died for these causes. 

If I'm a radical, then so be it. I prefer woman. 

Woman who sees injustice and wants to see change.

Gender Awareness and ASD

This increased awareness and knowledge is all well and good but right now, to me, it just feels like a huge dump of information at a time when my child is at her most vulnerable and a lot of jumping on the bandwagon. It's such a difficult situation to explain without sounding homophobic or unacceptable or in the wrong, its a minefield.

I really feel Ellie has been massively influenced by it all as she entered high school but I don't know how to speak about it without sounding wrong. I need to be clear that I have no issues with whatever my kids eventually identifies as, I'm just saying I find it all so intense and as an up and coming female ASD teenager, I can see how easily influenced she can be and how the need to be accepted is paramount.

She had absolutely no awareness or interest in anything to do with gender or sexuality or relationships prior to high school, she never talked about any of it, never indicated any preference or anything like that and now she hardly talks of anything else unless it's gender or sexuality related. I feel she has suddenly been bombarded with it at school and because its a marginalised society and because she is on the spectrum, and so very easily influenced by her peers, this group feels accepting of her differences as an ASD teenager since they are all kind of struggling with feeling 'different' too. They are more tolerant of her idiosyncrasies.

As it is, they are getting to that age where acceptance and tolerance over anything, not just gender and sexuality, are the most difficult.

Maybe I'm worrying over nothing, maybe there should be a term for us parents who experiences this entirely new situation. I am delighted she has finally found a group of accepting and kind friends. I do know it's all going to be OK whatever she eventually decides and we will support her all the way.

It's just so full on and she told me she only went over to the stand because of the colourful rainbow flag.

Even Though

1.1.19

Even though I'm not thinking about it. Even though I'm working on not obsessing on it. Even though I know my period ended a few days ago and even though I'm not counting or working things out and even though I know my 24-48 hour window of fertility is coming up very soon and even though I am not peeing on the ovulation stick every morning, night and a few of the hours in between and even though I am trying not to let my anxiety take over and even though I'm trying to reduce my stress levels and even though I am not looking at my fertility app two or three times a day and even though I know it says I will ovulate tomorrow and even though I am not not not obsessing and focusing all my nervous energy on consciously conceiving and even though none of this is happening and I'm not doing any of it and even though I know that my due date this time around might be my mums bday not because I look at the due date calculator web page every other day.

Even though I know and don't know any of this, I don't and I'm not because I'm not letting it take over my thoughts or life or anything that ridiculous.

#notdoingthat
#notthinkingaboutit
#notobsessing
#honest

Ellie's Home Birth Story 27th November 2006

The wail was primal, it was from somewhere else. I could feel it but I couldn't hear it, it was coming from me.  I had just been told my baby, my newborn, not yet a week old baby had to go back to hospital again as her jaundice levels had shot up.  We had only just returned home and were settling cosily back to home life. Let me start at the beginning.

Natural, earth-mother, secure, safe and home, these were the thoughts I had for my birth and my baby.  Due on the 21st December, we had a whole month to organise the house, to 'nest' and to be completely satisfied that our home was going to be the best environment to bring our baby into this world.  But of course nature works its wondrous ways and decided that our baby was arriving sooner.  Barry & I had had a house warming party the night before, the house was looking amazing, it was cosy, it was comforting, it was warmed by all our family and friends, who joked about how big I was and how earth mother I looked and how ready to drop, till well after midnight.  

We did a quick tidy up and went to bed at 3am, feeling happy and contented that we had hosted a wonderful and fun house warming party. In actual fact it turned out to be a baby warming party…the next morning at 10am, I woke up and 'woooosh' my waters broke, I stood up and was still leaking. Not believing that I could have wet myself, I woke Barry and told him. He seemed quite calm about it and said shall we phone the hospital – his stock response for the past few months to any ache or twinge! I, of course, took myself off to the toilet, still quite calm and not quite sure if this was happening. Next came the mucous plug... with slight tinges of blood, nothing worrying there either.  This all seemed a bit textbook to me, I know the plug can go and there can be delays, I know the waters can break and still nothing can happen. But for waters first, then plug... next would be contractions I thought... wouldn't that be hilarious!! Wouldn't that be real? But I was only 36+3, I wasn't ready, the house wasn't ready, the pool wasn't ready.  If it hadn't been for me pushing to get various things over the past few months, we would have had nothing.

I telephoned my sister (who was a midwife) and told her what had happened, for the next hour or so, I tried to explain what was happening, the consistency of mucus, the amount of blood, the amount of leakage. She asked me if I was having any pain. Pain? I thought as in back pain or ... oh hang on what was that... that felt tight across the bottom of my belly. I shall call these tightenings, not contractions, they can't be contractions, it just feels a bit tight.

I checked the baby's heartbeat and my temperature and my heartbeat in case of infection. This I did hourly from about 11am till 6pm. All was within normal ranges. I charted my 'tightenings' which were every 5-10mins for maximum a minute at a time. All the while I was talking to my sister on the phone letting her know the readings and confirming that things were still ok. By now it was pretty clear that this was not false labour and Barry had taken himself off to B&Q to sort out the pipes for the birth pool and Mothercare to get a floating temp gauge. He managed to take a wrong turn on the way home and ended up on the motorway to London. He was most upset and ended up over an hour late coming back. 

I meanwhile was permanently ensconced on our porta-potti as the baby was permanently ensconced on my bladder. That porta-potti turned out to be best thing we got for this labour. Every time I tried to move about I need to pee! It was so frustrating... .all my pre-natal yoga moves and aqua-natal practice was going to waste, I couldn't be in any other position except sat on the potti slumped forward on a big cushion propped on a chair!! But boy was I pleased I didn't have to traipse upstairs. In between peeing and 'tightenings', I fashioned myself a wee nest in the living room beside the heater with cushions and towels. I had a gathering of candles, light boxes and oil burners, which I had been collecting over the past weeks, and I laid them out in the back room where the pool was going to be. The pool which was still deflated, still empty but had at least been taken out its box (it needs to 'breathe' for 2hours before use, something we thankfully found out the week before).

During this time, I began calling my tightenings by their full and proper title. Contractions. When did that happen? Barry noticed it first and pointed it out to me. This was it I thought this is real. The pool was inflating and Barry was fixing taps onto hoses and hoses onto walls and I was still on my potti!

By 6pm, the pool was filling and things seemed to be going smoothly. Barry and I were timing contractions, which by now were longer and stronger. I called the hospital and told them I was in labour and they needed to send someone out. They tried to persuade me to come in to the hospital (because it was before 37 weeks), but I stood my ground and they said they would get back to me. How good of them, I thought!

Then disaster... .Barry forgot to turn off the tap in the pool and had it been running cold water for ages. The pool was almost half full, of cold water. This is when I began to panic, become upset and think this is not going to happen, whilst writhing on my 'nest'. This is when Barry started to panic inwardly, frantically empty the pool bucket by bucket and boil the kettle. All the while telling me things will be perfect, it's not a problem and he can fix it. And fix it he did. Phoning our best friend, who went to the supermarket and bought 4 kettles, he set to work boiling kettles and pots in order to refill the pool, whilst trying to be with me and help me through my contractions.

At 9pm the doorbell went and in walked the midwives. They said their obligatory 'we think you should go to the hospital' speech and, realising it wasn't going to happen, settled in for the duration.

(Note from Angela at Home Birth UK: Miriam's sister reports that Miriam actually responded "Thanks for your opinion; you will find me at home", which I think is an excellent way of dealing with the situation! The same midwife later told Miriam "You are too early in gestation for a waterbirth", to which she responded "Thanks for your opinion; you will find me in the pool".)

I obtained timings and figures later from my midwife as during the rest of the evening, I lost all concept of time and space. I was checked at 9.20pm and found to be 3cm dilated, cervix almost effaced and V+ 0-1.

For the next hour, I remained on my 'nest' and was mainly on my hands and knees, grasping Barry's hand and making incredible noises. I found that if I made moaning and groaning noises it helped the pain, so I did this for all I was worth. There was no high pitched screaming, just low guttural moaning, grunting and baying noises.

The pool was finally ready for me at 10.30pm and I was straight in there. Being the organised person I am, I had the previous day, sorted out what music I wanted for my labour. I opted for the drum and rain music and with my glowing light boxes and candles, the room was amazingly peaceful. I for one was not!!!!

This stage was the hardest, I was told not to push and it would increase my risk of tearing and so I had to blow out my contractions instead of pushing. Barry was incredible at this point and almost fainted himself with panting!! Every time I said I can't do this he was there saying I can. Every time I needed him to give me strength he was right there passing it to me.

At 00.30am I had strong rectal pressure and the midwives asked me to come out as I had been in the pool for two hours. They checked me and found I was fully dilated, V+0+1. They tried to ask me to stay out of the water as they were not comfortable with me giving birth in the water, saying don't you care about your baby, I politely declined, called her mean and 'ran' straight back in to the pool!!

I asked how long this next stage was going to be and when she told me it could be an hour I thought NOOOOoo way. So very soon after I felt a slight bulge and excitedly guided Barry's hand to touch it. He was astounded, I was astounded. It was amazing.

Then at 1.05am with one almighty push, the widest eyes I have ever made with the most astonished feeling I have ever felt, Ellie Rebecca slipped gently into the water. I remember seeing her in the water and my mind stopped. Everything literally stopped. For that split moment, nothing mattered, nothing moved, time was immobile. I gently scooped her up and cradled her in my arms. I blew gently into her face, she raised her eyebrows at me and gasped her first ever breath. In that moment Barry and I gasped our first ever breath too. I was so overawed I didn't even think to find out if she was a boy or girl. She lay peacefully in my arms until the cord stopped pulsating and was clamped by daddy Barry as he has now become.
I came out of the pool and thankfully delivered my placenta by 1.18am with no fuss whatsoever, the midwife gently pulled and out it came. Ellie weighed 6lb 11oz and had Apgar scores of 9/1 and 10/5. I had estimated blood loss 250ml, no tears.

Our first night in our own bed with Ellie Rebecca in between us was magical. We just could not believe what we had created.

Unfortunately, being early, Ellie had trouble feeding and became jaundiced, and we had to go to hospital the following day and we then spent the next week and half in and out of hospital with her having light treatment. As is the way in my life, it was one extreme to the other. All that I hoped and wished for with her birth was now the complete opposite. She was in a hospital environment, she was having blood taken, she had to feed every three hours because of the fear of dehydration and the all important skin to skin contact was drastically reduced. We were taken care of wonderfully in the hospital and we made the best of it was we could, letting Ellie know we were there for her all the way. Soon she was allowed home and the fun of babies begins

Permanent Shell Shock

I've been thinking about something and how to word it. Most evenings I feel like I'm recovering from the day..each and every day feels like an achievement yet I feel like a bit of a failure....I was trying to find a way to explain it....I kind of wanted to use the PTSD term..but kind of didn't as it's strong and has associations with soldiers and combat but there is that feeling sometimes like I am in a war zone...we've survived this day, the next will be easier!!  Sometimes it is, realistically though most days are a quagmire of negotiations and dealing with situations to avoid meltdowns and mayhem. I've often felt I have to be on a constant state of high alert and 10steps ahead of game. Always trying to make life go smoothly whilst ensuring all my children feel heard and understood and worthy and wanted. Many days it feels like I needed to carefully manage and control how the day goes....an impossibility I realise with 3 kids, but with one having Aspergers it's become a necessity. So at the end of the day when all 3 are finally asleep until the next wave of night time parenting begins, I breathe and allow myself to relax...a little!

We only recently received a diagnosis so before the 2 year process began, I often questioned my parenting skills and continually looked to the future benefits of Continuum Concept parenting. Now I realise the many ways it has absolutely benefited us as a family and even enhanced our situation....never using CIO, never using naughty step or time outs or other punitive yet ineffectual techniques and punishments.

As the diagnosis became more and more  apparent I wondered wether having a label would help other people be more understanding and tolerant of Eliie's flooby behaviour...it has helped me too.

I wondered whether it would help her make more of an effort to try and control her floobiness, because she will now know that there is a reason that sometimes she can't dial herself back....I'm beginning to realise how difficult this actually is for her.

I wondered wether maybe it would stop her feeling so bad about herself being unable to dial herself back in those moments....or indeed if she even does feel negatively towards herself...I'm seeing that she rarely connects the two and thankfully has positive self esteem for the moment...apparently this will become harder for her as she gets older.

One of my goals for my children is I never want them to feel bad about themselves. This hasn't changed since the diagnosis but equally I don't want her giving up trying to be a kinder person who understands others feelings as well as her own. Saying it out loud I realise thats a difficult request of anyone let alone someone with Aspergers. Who really knows how to understand and deal with their own feelings? I clearly dont!! I realise how difficult it is for Ellie and try to help her navigate this daily.

The day we got the diagnosis I was kind of numb and kind of not surprised and kind of shocked and kind of scared and kind of wish we hadn't started the process and kind of not sure what to do next and kind of wanted to curl up and cry and I was kind of all over the place and then I realised I kind of have a reason for such a difficult parenting journey and then I started to feel sad for her and Maia who seems to handle it so much better than me.

I started to realise a few things too.....I worked out that my idea of having lots of kids playing together and keeping themselves busy and not needing my involvement much hasn't really worked because Ellie never 'played' and always needed my guidance and input and now they are older her and they spend a lot of their time on their tablets doing minecraft and poor Millie who loves imaginative play doesnt get the chance much and when they do play together it usually ends in upset because Ellie takes control and doesn't do imaginative play very well and they always have the same narrative and the whole thing ends up in arguments and fighting. I feel Maia and Millie could play well together given the chance but Maia still feels Millie is too young and Maia is on her 'safe' tablet all the time where fighting and arguments happen less.

I'm sad for what everyone has missed out on and that I haven't provide Maia and Millie with more opportunity to play. It felt like they have lost a lot of possible sibling together playing time. We have now started to organise situations where Maia and Millie can have that time together and Ellie can have 1-1 time with one of us. Finding 1-1 time individually with each child is proving more of a difficulty.

After the diagnosis I started to wonder was it purely down to rules, boundaries, fear of authority and doing the wrong thing that has allowed Ellie to go through the school system unnoticed? Questioning my parenting style again.  Every parent's evening has always been glowing academically and behaviourally and we were always left wondering how can she be SO remarkably different out of school. Is it a girl boy thing? Would it become more noticeable in secondary school? They said it may start to become more of an issue the older she becomes the whole girl high school socialising thing. ...this scared the shit out of me as I struggled SO much with bullying. I console myself that for now the lines of communication are very open, Ellie always feels able to tell us everything  (for the moment!) and the way we raise our kids is totally different to how I was raised.

Since the diagnosis nothing much has really changed....there is still that daily struggle and endless stressing. There is still the constant reminders about ok behaviour and pre-empting them, something I have always struggled with.  There is still a lot of managing and handling and dealing and sorting but now there are finally some answers to the craziness that is my life and with the support from the school and the help of outside services I am starting to worry less and less about authorities swooping in and tearing us apart...my focus is returning, the sun is returning....I can feel my resolve returning.....I feel I can maybe do this...this being a parent thing!!

Meltdowns - so glad I embraced this term and it's connotations rather than being sucked into the whole tantrum bad behaviour naughty girl slap back of knees paradigm.
Losing the Plot - it's still possible, there's a shit more parenting needs to keep happening and a shit load more crazy from me
Breastfeeding - it's been an interesting 10yrs so far and I am thankful for never having mastistis.

Love me more and more and more and forever

Ellie and Maia were out for the evening tonight at the theatre. Barry and I played hide and seek with Millie (5) in one room..it was really funny...I wish I'd filmed it...she hid in the same place every time! She basically had our undivided attention for almost 2hrs and she absolutely loved it!  She was heard and understood and no-one called her an idiot or stupid or pulled her hair or hit her for no reason.   

 It was an interesting and relatively easy experience nighttime parenting only one child and I'm going to be honest, I did for a brief moment wonder what life would be like if life hadn't happened and we were parents to just the one. I'm not proud the thought slipped in there, but there you have it, it did. Anyway, as quickly as the thought appeared I confused it out my head with the complications of time travelling and Millie being the youngest (or would she be older?) and the other two not existing and ages being different and would she still be 5 or would we always have started a family when we did and...sod it. ...it wouldn't work, no point even thinking about it. Yet I did.....

I remember parenting one child and how overwhelmed and different I felt. The only one *still* breastfeeding at 1, the only one not initiating weaning to go skiing, then only one actually carrying my toddler in a sling and *still* sharing a bed. Then the 2nd came and I carried on parenting in this different way, by then I had found a few others who parented the way I did, through La Leche League and Nurture in Nature.  I saw others breastfeeding part babyhood and bed sharing with their children. There was no-one tandem feeding but I didn't feel as different. I did begin to feel the tug of war between siblings and with my body....one needs me over there, one needs me here...then no3 came along...I didn't know the meaning of overwhelmed and different!!! 

Having more than one kid changes the way you are able to love each child. There is always love to go around, just most-times there isn't enough of me to go around.  There is a constant battle of guilt in my head about giving everyone what they need and that constant nagging feeling that I'm somehow failing each kid of their right to have a complete childhood because they constantly have to divide me and share me and fight for my attention. I realised yesterday I could distinguish each child by their repetitive mum mum mum call. Each one is different!

The girls came home quite late but full of excitement from their trip. I deliberately took the time to connect and listen before encouraging them upstairs. Words are futile at times like these. Times when they are beyond tired yet still enthusiastically awake. Repeatedly asking them to start bedtime falls on deaf excited ears.  I know they just need a bit of mummytime before the mundane. Listen. Connect..then let them follow me to toothbrushing and bed. 

My girls are getting older....soon all three be in school and that 'me time' I am constantly trying to carve out will become that much easier...a new phase awaits us all. 

Last night Millie eeked out every ounce of mum and dad time she could until hubby went to pick up the older two, then she squeezed just a bit more love from me until she fell asleep....mummy "whisper in my ear" she said...."say I am worthy, I am wanted, I am loved...mummy loves Millie". Yes she does. She loves each and every one of you. Completely. As much as she can.

Meltdowns - none tonight with only one

Losing the Plot - not even a little

Breastfeeding - Natural term feeding at its finest

Love the crazy mean people again

I have this massive almost sometimes debilitating fear that people I dont know very well, but see almost daily (so IRL...in real life) don't like me and that I have done something to upset them and then I have this GREAT urge to talk to the person, apologise for anything I have ever said or done or thought incase I did, say or think something that might have upset them.  It's a vibe I get....you know you can just tell....stink eye.

Then I go through phases of thinking fuck it who cares. It's their issue with whatever I was saying. Transference, it's about something else. We all live differently. I've got nothing to apologise for...it's me not them. 

Then I don't want to be thought of as someone who hurts other people's feelings. I don't like it when it happens to me.

Why do I have this need for people I hardly know to like me? I'm already stressing about the people I do know and wether I've upset them in any way...I don't need it with strangers!!!!

I think I'm basically top of the needy chain..but I'm not sure what I need. It's not a comfortable place to be.

I don't want my kids growing up feeling like they need to apologise for themselves all the time. Like they might have done something wrong for having a different way of looking at life. I want them to feel freer and happier with who they are and be around people who are kind and understanding. I want them to feel confident and happy with who they are but not in a mean way.

I try to be that for them but I know they are learning meanness from me because some days it's not easy and some days I am mean to them. Hopefully they are also learning how to apologise and know when to.

I tell my kids that consistently grown up mean people sometimes didn't have enough love around them growing up and probably just need a hug from their mummy or daddy. People who are sometimes mean are maybe having a hard time at home or they are tired or hungry. I try to help them understand it from their side and hopefully that's helping them not feel it's their fault all the time. Sometimes it is....believe me sometimes it is their bloody inconsiderate unhelpful ungrateful fault!!!

Sometimes I say they weren't breastfed as a baby..you know, cos I like being controversial... 😜

Love the crazy mean people. I'm one of them sometimes. Love me. Love me. Love me. Like me? Ok just be civil to me at the very least. It must be exhausting giving me your negative vibes all the time.

Brings out the worst in people

I have had hostility and  condemnation thrown at me all week and I'm here to tell you I'm not taking any more of it. 

Hostility because of my different beliefs regarding what I eat and what I will and won't put on and in my body. I have educated and informed myself and made decision with regards to ethical, moral and health concerns. 

The fact is, it's my choice and your hostility only furthers my beliefs that your ignorance has no place in my life. 

Furthermore, the fact that I am Zionist does not give you the right to condemn me and vilify me and overtly blame me for all and any terrorist attacks that have occurred recently or will do in the future. When you think that me being a Jewish means I also think Palestinian citizens deserve to be treated in a certain way then it is you who needs to reevaluate your core beliefs and stop being antisemitic and stop believing propaganda. 

YOUR inciting hatred and disgraceful behavior is the reason there is so much pain, anger and hurt in the world.

Take your lunacy elsewhere.

I DO NOT ACCEPT OR WANT IT!

!

Beautifully Awesome Monster

It's that time of night when I sit all alone for longer than a nanosecond.  Hubby gets older two to bed where he often falls asleep till later, and I watch a really cool film or programme. 

Invariably there are characters interacting as mother-daughter or father-daughter or a character that's had a father or a mother. 

It either makes me feel like the worst mum in the world or the best. I think well at least I'm not as bad as *that* mum or OMG I need to be more like her.  Or I think, I wonder what kind of mother HE had to end up like THAT!! She was either awesome or a monster. 

It's also how I sometimes feel when on FB and in real life. 

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking how much therapy is going to cost for my kids when they are older or maybe I should just do it now, group therapy. Maybe that'd do it. Sort us out. Stop the fighting. The resentment. The shouting. The slavery feeling. The dealing with the oftentimes overwhelming high emotions that encompass my day. Of a toddler. Of a 7yr old and of a 9yr old and of a 42yr old. Lots of emotions and feelings. The relentlessness of it all!!!

And then half way through the film, Millie wakes up and if I don't fall asleep, I manage to finish the film and I then spend the rest of the night thinking how I'm going to be a better mum tomorrow.

Meltdown - spending all day navigating around them and through them and over them

Losing the Plot - I think it's lost forever 

Breastfeeding - it had decreased to a manageable level but then illness struck and weeeeeeee up its gone!!

 

If music be the food of love

Music was a big part of my life before kids.  Listening to on repeat, dancing to on repeat, singing to on repeat!!! I always had a song that defined my huge feelings of the time. I'd like to get my music groove back. Without the hands covering my mouth if I dare to sing loudly or the kid pulling at me to stop dancing!!

Sheryl Crow was the soundtrack to my life at a time when I was in transition. About twenty years ago some life devastating thing happened...I can't remember exactly when it was so it could have been one of these..Split from long term boyfriend....dad died......no job...terrible time with housemates.....finished uni, no where to live, nowhere to be or probably a combination of all of that. I stayed with a friend. She was amazing. She had two kids Summer and another with a great name. She was lovely and kind and took me in when I needed refuge. She was from Jersey or Guernsey. I can't believe I can't remember her name or how long I stayed. Maybe it was only a week. Maybe longer. Where did we met? Maybe she was on my course. I can't remember details. Only feelings. (I'm now going to find old diaries and phonebooks to see if I have her name and old address!)

I remember I was being utterly depressed and incapable of anything much and I remember listening to the songs from Sheryl Crow album over and over and over and over and over and over.  I was probably a nightmare person to live with and she probably got rid of me quick smart but all I remember was a hippy vibe of love and acceptance. 

🎵"No-one said it would be easy. No-one said it would be this hard. No one said it would be easy

No one thought we'd come this far"🎵

I remember thinking the song was written for me right now, predominantly about the split.  Now, as I listen to it for the first time in ages I think it's relevant right now for being the mother of a toddler and other kids. Lots of kids. So many kids. (Ellie's favourite song at the moment is Little Girls from Annie.) Mainly it's the toddler though. We are fighting. She is angry with me. She is hitting me. She is annoyed with me. She says the word in such a brilliant way... I am AnnOYed at you...and she really is. I'm guessing it's the milk reduction for sake of sanity that I have recently implemented. It could be other things too. Could be the wrong spoon. Or could be the singing. It's toddlerness. 

I've had a friend here and hubby took Friday off, so I've spent a majority of my time being busy and making every possible effort NOT to deal with Millie because we are fighting too much at the moment. I've needed a sanity break. I so needed it and I'm so relieved my friend and hubby were able to provide it. 

Whilst I was listening to the album, Millie came in ready for bed.  I have not seen her much these past few days and I desperately knew we needed to reconnect. 

🎵"All I wanna do Is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one 

All I wanna do is have some fun"🎵

I really do. I want that person back. I used to be such a fun person to be around. I'll make up for it right now I thought. Glow in the dark make up and one freaked out toddler later I'm having second thoughts about this fun mum moment. Now she's whining I want to go to bed and I'm trying to find fun to remind myself I used to be interesting. It's a losing battle. 

Milk wins. She's tired. My timing sucks as ever. 

As we connect on a cellular boob level I ask for her to look at me. Look in my eyes Millie. 

I love you I tell her as she drifts into breastfeeding bliss. 

🎵"But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly you won't give up on me

And I shall believe

And I shall believe"🎵

I have to believe it will all work out beautifully.
It has to. 

Meltdowns - too many to mention 

Losing the plot - too embarrassed to mention

Breastfeeding - too much too much Dear Lord it's too much 

*Edit: Since starting writing this and finishing it a few hours later, I've remembered her name was Deborah. 

🎵That old devil called......🎵

Ok I think we need to formulate a care plan. 

Yes yes let's do that but I'm not leaving Millie if she is upset

Well, I think you need to be the leader here. Look at all the other kids settled in.  You may need to use a bit of tough love. 

Ok. I'm not using any type of tough love, I parent a totally different way so I'm not using the other kids as a measure.  I'm not prepared to leave her if she isn't ready as it will cause more problems in long term. 

Millie, come and have ten seconds milk and then I'm going to go and walk the dog. Ok?

....milk...ok mummy you can go now. Bye.

She is always ok for me to leave if it's on her terms. I won't leave unless she is ok with it.

The pressure to abandon is immense.

It's when she says 'I wasn't ready for you to leave yet mummy' when I come back. 💔

I know some will think the use of the word abandon is ott....

I don't really think its abandonment btw, I know the staff are lovely. I know I'm not actually leaving her in a box on the street corner. It's Millie who feels it though, it's Millie that needs to get used to it and it's me that cops it! No coincidence her behaviour at home is radically different now to at nursery. And believe it or not I am not self sabotaging or projecting or unconsciously seeping my thoughts into her brain and manipulating her brain in some way. Oh would that I could!! 

I actually would quite like a couple of hours. 

But I have to admit that there gets a point where the effort to preserve Millie's future esteem can become...what's the word?....

The upping of connection need is intense. 

Meltdowns - aaalll over the place from everyone must be changing seasons

Losing the Plot - made conscious effort to remain calm and not annoyed this evening. It worked well. Connection repaired. 

Breastfeeding - milks sleeping. Resting. Having a break. Broken. Ok just ten seconds. What else will make you feel as much comfort and connection? Seriously you can't think of anything???

Camp this year 2015

I'm cold and I wanna be at camp. I'm hungry and I wanna be at camp. I'm tired and I wanna be at camp. I'm watching TV and I wanna be at camp. I wanna be at camp with my friends. I wanna be at camp and be wandering through the woods in the dark to see who might be awake. I wanna be at camp listening to conversations and laughing louder and longer than I've ever laughed before. I wanna be at camp talking to people who listen, singing with people who don't care when I'm out of tune, dancing with the trees, playing with the wind, covered in muck and smelling of woodsmoke. I wanna be at camp.

I wish we lived in the woods and ran about and slept in tents but we don't so you have to brush your hair

Meltdowns - not in the woods
Losing the Plot - hardly at all among friends
Breastfeeding - round the fire

WE ARE IN!!! It's a project!!.

We have the keys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After a dodgy start to the morning where the other sides solicitors delayed things for a couple of hours, through their complete incompetence and annoyance, we finally picked up the keys.  We had organised for the chimney sweeper to arrive but had to cancel because of the delay, this means the our hope to start drying out the house as soon as possible, so we can move in,  has been scuppered.  

Anyway......it's ours it's ours it's our...oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck....IT'S OURS!!!! Well it's the mortgage companies but hey who cares!!!!!

Technically we have only seen inside the place once (there was a breakin a few weeks ago and  managed to sneak a peak then too!) and that was about 6 months ago, so today was like seeing it for the first time again.....I was caught between amazement and fear at what we had just done!!!

Last year in September, I decided to follow a wee road to see where it went and ended up at the back of the windfarm at an abandoned house on the edge of a forest in the middle of nowhere.  As a family, we love exploring abandoned houses so I took everyone there at the weekend.  Over the next few weeks, we went there quite a lot and talked about how we would love to live there and we tentatively tried to find out about it.  It was during one of those visits that I noticed another house that I thought looked abandoned but might not be.  We peeked in the kitchen window and there were things lying about, so we weren't sure.

Then, in October we found out we needed to be out of Hemphill sharpish and the first house fell through, so I decided to contact the owner of this maybe abandoned farm and so began the 7 month long trip that brought us to Tayburn's door.

I followed my dream and made things happen. I am in awe that it worked!!!!

I've uploaded some pictures in an album HERE which I will be adding to as we go on.

Here is a video of the inside...they had emptied pretty much everything out which was a bonus we hadn't expected.  I hope to do a video diary of our adventures........

Losing The Plot - at around 12.30pm today when I was told the keys were delayed

Meltdown - massive one from Maia, who saw the inside for the first time today and had big feelings

Breastfeeding - distracted quite a lot today from it, even at Tayburn where she kept saying ' want to go' repeatedly