Love me more and more and more and forever

Ellie and Maia were out for the evening tonight at the theatre. Barry and I played hide and seek with Millie (5) in one room..it was really funny...I wish I'd filmed it...she hid in the same place every time! She basically had our undivided attention for almost 2hrs and she absolutely loved it!  She was heard and understood and no-one called her an idiot or stupid or pulled her hair or hit her for no reason.   

 It was an interesting and relatively easy experience nighttime parenting only one child and I'm going to be honest, I did for a brief moment wonder what life would be like if life hadn't happened and we were parents to just the one. I'm not proud the thought slipped in there, but there you have it, it did. Anyway, as quickly as the thought appeared I confused it out my head with the complications of time travelling and Millie being the youngest (or would she be older?) and the other two not existing and ages being different and would she still be 5 or would we always have started a family when we did and...sod it. ...it wouldn't work, no point even thinking about it. Yet I did.....

I remember parenting one child and how overwhelmed and different I felt. The only one *still* breastfeeding at 1, the only one not initiating weaning to go skiing, then only one actually carrying my toddler in a sling and *still* sharing a bed. Then the 2nd came and I carried on parenting in this different way, by then I had found a few others who parented the way I did, through La Leche League and Nurture in Nature.  I saw others breastfeeding part babyhood and bed sharing with their children. There was no-one tandem feeding but I didn't feel as different. I did begin to feel the tug of war between siblings and with my body....one needs me over there, one needs me here...then no3 came along...I didn't know the meaning of overwhelmed and different!!! 

Having more than one kid changes the way you are able to love each child. There is always love to go around, just most-times there isn't enough of me to go around.  There is a constant battle of guilt in my head about giving everyone what they need and that constant nagging feeling that I'm somehow failing each kid of their right to have a complete childhood because they constantly have to divide me and share me and fight for my attention. I realised yesterday I could distinguish each child by their repetitive mum mum mum call. Each one is different!

The girls came home quite late but full of excitement from their trip. I deliberately took the time to connect and listen before encouraging them upstairs. Words are futile at times like these. Times when they are beyond tired yet still enthusiastically awake. Repeatedly asking them to start bedtime falls on deaf excited ears.  I know they just need a bit of mummytime before the mundane. Listen. Connect..then let them follow me to toothbrushing and bed. 

My girls are getting older....soon all three be in school and that 'me time' I am constantly trying to carve out will become that much easier...a new phase awaits us all. 

Last night Millie eeked out every ounce of mum and dad time she could until hubby went to pick up the older two, then she squeezed just a bit more love from me until she fell asleep....mummy "whisper in my ear" she said...."say I am worthy, I am wanted, I am loved...mummy loves Millie". Yes she does. She loves each and every one of you. Completely. As much as she can.

Meltdowns - none tonight with only one

Losing the Plot - not even a little

Breastfeeding - Natural term feeding at its finest

Time for a Re-think of Societal Norm

Having kids really is a head fuck!!

We bring over so much known and unknown baggage, so much known and unknown opinions and beliefs. The way we react to certain situations. The way we feel about different things. The nuances and ideas and issues and all round basic emotional fuckwittage all come from the way our own parents parented us.  I say 'all' but I guess I must mean mostly since after a while other factors/people do come  into play. 

In the beginning though it *does* all come from the way our own parents parent us. Their influence, their involvement, their love, their acceptance, their connection, their hugs, their kisses, their arms, their warmth, their presence. It all matters. From the very beginning.  From the moment you are born. (Actually I'm beginning to understand and believe more and more that it starts before birth and the way you are born makes a huge difference, but I'm in danger of going way off on another rant/tangent)  Back to being born.  Laying down the foundations of your development. Emotionally. Physically. Behaviourally. Everythingally. It all matters. It all counts. It leads to brain pathways being wired. It leads to the essence of who you are and how you function. You know big proper important stuff. 

It all starts to deteriorate, with disconnection. Bit by bit, little by little. Cutting mothers aprons strings or cutting the umbilical cord it was once known as.   Ironic given that it is now scientifically proven and well on its way to becoming almost standard practice in most hospitals to actually LEAVE the umbilical cord attached until it has finished it's vital function of blood and nutrient transfer! 

"“But aren’t we meant to let go?” many parents ask. “Aren’t our children meant to

become independent of us?” Absolutely, but only when our job is done and only

in order for them to be themselves. Fitting in with the immature expectations of

the peer group is not how the young grow to be independent, self-respecting

adults. By weakening the natural lines of attachment and responsibility, peer orientation undermines healthy development" Gabor Maté,

(Really it does start with conception, pregnancy labour and actual birth  but I promised I wouldn't go into that. If you want look here and here and here  and here to pique your interest!)

So back to being head fucked from having kids.....

By unknown, I mean It may not even be something you are even aware you are doing. It's so ingrained into your psyche that it becomes unconscious. It becomes routine. It becomes normal. It becomes societal norm. But is it? So much of what is considered normal by societies standards makes me want to strangle society and knock some sense into it. Oh dear there goes my ingrained subconscious mind reacting again. I mean, I would like to reset societal norms back to their roots through gentle and nurturing ways. 

 - When it becomes ok to completely medicalise birth, hand care and responsibility over and remove your self and your baby's needs completely from the process then it's time to rethink societal norm.  When it becomes ok to stop a mother feeding her baby whilst breasts are sexualised and objectified more and more then it's time to rethink societal norm.  When it becomes ok to not hold your tiny vulnerable baby then it's time to rethink societal norm.  When it becomes ok to not go to a crying baby then it's time to rethink societal norm.  When it becomes ok to not pick up a crying baby then it's time to rethink societal norm. When it becomes ok to leave your child to cry into a pool of his own vomit then it's time to rethink societal norm.  When it becomes ok to stop responding to your child's needs because they are no longer a 'baby' then it's time to rethink societal norm - 

There is so much more I could say. I could go on and on in this way. Really  though, it's time to stop and think about what we are doing to our babies, what we are doing to our children and what we are doing to ourselves and its time to stop the madness and get back to connecting, bonding and establishing those scientific neural pathways. 

Did you ever think about the consequences of your actions? Did you ever think about how your words and your actions could affect your child? Did you ever lie awake at night and wonder if you were doing the right thing? Did you ever think about your own childhood and what was modeled for you?  Did you ever make the connection?

Do you actually believe that how you responded was really the most nurturing and gentle way?

I sometimes wonder..... 

Meltdowns - a communication to stop, think, breathe

Losing the Plot - a communication to stop, think, breathe

Breastfeeding - a way to stop, think, breathe

I am a robot.....exterminate

I deactivated. I did it....and, I'm still alive!

I have a very addictive personality. If I start something I have to finish it. I am persistent and methodical. I rarely give up. Even if I am not quite enjoying it anymore, I still feel compelled to see things through and get to the end. 

Facebook has no end. It almost had no beginning for me. My husband spend a good few months back in 2006 persuading me to join. I was reluctant. I didn't have any friends, what was the point? I didn't get it. 

Then I joined. 

I was instantly hooked. In the early days most of my FBfriends were family. I have a large family so the numbers were nearing 100's!! It was fantastic knowing what they were up to. I had been quite close to my cousins growing up. Even though they lived in London and I in Glasgow, I still visited them quite a lot over the years and now that I wasn't travelling much due to babies, I loved being 'almost' close to them. I missed them. And there's the rub. 

Taking a break was healthy. It was good not to be looking at my phone every 3seconds or frantically looking *for* my phone!!! I also managed to get quite a lot done, for instance, today I killed over 30 fruit flies with my bare hands.

I'm sorry to say I didn't have any massive revelations but I did watch a lot of films with the girls and of course it was great for them to see my eyes. But....

I miss my FB friends!

Over the years, I have developed many many friendships on Facebook, some real life ones too. My newsfeed is bursting with like minded people. Mothers who breastfeed and do so for years not just months. Mothers who co-sleep and are not vilified. Mothers who sling and are not 'spoiling' their baby. Mothers who lament their exhaustion but understand. Mothers who swear! Mothers who get it. Mothers who just know. 

Back in the beginning when I was less unsure and needed a friendly neighbour or two, I started an online parenting group based on the writings of an influential life book called The Continuum Concept. It has hundreds of parents from all over the world all trying to navigate their way through this non coercive, non punitive, non manipulative quagmire called parenting. 

In a society that treats children as second class citizens who need to be manipulated and coerced into being, it is SO comforting to read the thoughts and activities of natural gentle mamas (even the dark thoughts). I rarely have a cry it out status. I rarely read about how manipulative their little shit is being. I NEVER read how a good spanking sorted them out. 

I read many things that give me hope through my lonely parenting journey. I read gentle reminders about respect for small minds and slow paces. I see comforting pictures of messy houses and kids in various states of cleanliness. I see lovely breastfeeding pictures and hear how a mum has decided to be brave, in a country that condemns such behaviour, and feed her baby outside. I have learnt so much more about natural birthing and pregnancy and the essence of womanliness. Embracing these times of growing and nurturing a life and how birthing can be SO much more than mainstream media would have us believe. I've expanded my consciousness  and knowledge base. 

So, whilst my foray into deactiveness was a great experiment and stopped my incessant Facebook checking and 'like' whoreing, I really do see the positives to the now ubiquitous social networking site. It has connected me to many wonderful people I would never have known existed and in those wee small hours when I have been woken for the umpteenth time or when I sit and comfort feed on the kitchen floor mid dishwashing, it really is lovely to have someone awake to talk to and be available right then to say "OMFG will this baby EVER stop sucking!" Or "hey you how's life for you at this ungodly hour?"

So if needing a tribe and wanting to have someone to talk to at any given moment is considered an addiction, then YES I admit....I am a Facebook addict!!

So hold on to your boobies........once camp is over....

I'm signing back in! I miss all of you lovely virtual and real people!!

Focus more on your own behavior than on theirs. It'll pay off bigger.

—Pam Sorooshian

Meltdowns - little Millster is taking the lead!!

Losing the plot - well the little buggers haven't been interrupting my fb time so... ;)

Breastfeeding - thems some nasty big teeth coming through :(