WE ARE IN!!! It's a project!!.

We have the keys!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After a dodgy start to the morning where the other sides solicitors delayed things for a couple of hours, through their complete incompetence and annoyance, we finally picked up the keys.  We had organised for the chimney sweeper to arrive but had to cancel because of the delay, this means the our hope to start drying out the house as soon as possible, so we can move in,  has been scuppered.  

Anyway......it's ours it's ours it's our...oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck....IT'S OURS!!!! Well it's the mortgage companies but hey who cares!!!!!

Technically we have only seen inside the place once (there was a breakin a few weeks ago and  managed to sneak a peak then too!) and that was about 6 months ago, so today was like seeing it for the first time again.....I was caught between amazement and fear at what we had just done!!!

Last year in September, I decided to follow a wee road to see where it went and ended up at the back of the windfarm at an abandoned house on the edge of a forest in the middle of nowhere.  As a family, we love exploring abandoned houses so I took everyone there at the weekend.  Over the next few weeks, we went there quite a lot and talked about how we would love to live there and we tentatively tried to find out about it.  It was during one of those visits that I noticed another house that I thought looked abandoned but might not be.  We peeked in the kitchen window and there were things lying about, so we weren't sure.

Then, in October we found out we needed to be out of Hemphill sharpish and the first house fell through, so I decided to contact the owner of this maybe abandoned farm and so began the 7 month long trip that brought us to Tayburn's door.

I followed my dream and made things happen. I am in awe that it worked!!!!

I've uploaded some pictures in an album HERE which I will be adding to as we go on.

Here is a video of the inside...they had emptied pretty much everything out which was a bonus we hadn't expected.  I hope to do a video diary of our adventures........

Losing The Plot - at around 12.30pm today when I was told the keys were delayed

Meltdown - massive one from Maia, who saw the inside for the first time today and had big feelings

Breastfeeding - distracted quite a lot today from it, even at Tayburn where she kept saying ' want to go' repeatedly

The chalk drawings are gone :(

Right. It's time to deal with my big pants and get on with it. Shit happens. We still have to live here for the time being until we move. I have to forget I was starting to feel happy and content and was making this place a home. I have to keep looking out of the window and love the view and the garden and the work I have done on it and not think about what we have to leave behind. I have to keep the house from degenerating into a child-made hovel!

I have to remember we are fortunate and very thankful to have the opportunities to be able to stay in the country. We *are* staying in the country. I couldn't bear to return to a city housing estate. I've had a taste of the life I have always wanted and I totally loved the time I was here. Green space. Nature. Relative seclusion (minus crazy farmer types) Fires. Independence and exploration for the girls. 

The girls. Ah, the girls. They now fear the farmer. They hide from the farmer. They need reassurance that the farmer can't hurt us. They need to hear me talk about how the farmer is a sad lonely man (who probably wasn't breastfed!) and not a man to be scared of and not a man who can harm us in any way. 

I'm so gutted at the thought of packing and clearing this house. Not just for the hard work of it but for this house we thought we felt a bond with a sense of déjàvu and feeling of being settled. 

I know ultimately it's for the best, we would have never felt secure here with the possibility of two months notice at any random moment, for any ridiculous crappy reason, rather than the four we have just now. Let's be realistic too. There is no way I could have kept up this level of cleanliness tidyness and gardenness without losing the will to live. 

We are not going to be homeless, if needs be, we will rent again and whilst we look for our own dream home.  We have the possibility of a new place already, It has many positives and a few major negatives. It's not the same ruralness but it has an incredible garden. It has no real fires but that can be a project. It is on a main road but it's a great size. It has a freaky layout but it is a roof over our heads.

So, for now I need to try and be ok with things, right now I need to stop my brain from moany spiralling, right now we are healthy and we have a kick ass full wood shed!!

I WILL be that happy again.

Meltdowns - could do without

Losing the Plot -  could do without

Breastfeeding - could do without

Silver Cloud and shit like that

FuckitybuggerybastardybollockyfuckshitearsewipeS

That fucking impending doom of shite other foot dropping bollox that I have been feeling has finally happened. After finding out a good friend died suddenly on Monday, I thought maybe that was is, but I knew it wasn't.  I had always known she would die, I have a whole book I could write about her.  It will have to wait now. She was unbelievable.  We all loved her. 

Anyway, I tried to ignore the feeling. I tried to excuse it as collywobbles and past insecure experiences. I was going to write a blog post about the feeling and how I was really trying embrace the fucking positive and get over old scripts. How I was overcoming my insecurities and living my life again. I should have listened to my instincts. 

He wants us out in January.  He hasn't given a proper reason says it's too much hassle. Basically, he doesn't have to give a reason. He's not renewing the lease.

Now to find something better than this place which has damp problems, a shitty sink drainer that pools, a tiny gap to get out of the kitchen and no fucking space on the counters, insecure living arrangements that could be terminated at any time with one months notice AND FUCK YOU COLERAINE!!

I'm over the shock. I'm going to make it work. I just hope the girls can cope. Fuck I was just starting to feel almost ok again. Not depressed, stressed and sad. I hope this works out. At least we made the move out of suburgatory. We are in the country now and we are staying. 

He told me to be a real mother and take my kids to the play park and to get a gate to lock them in. He complained about everything and wanted his garden in better condition than when we got it.  He has NO idea about raising children consciously and has way too high expectations. If you ever hear of someone thinking of moving to MosCOW, steer them clear. Tell them to run a mile. Don't even imagine you could try and make it work. 

Moving ultimately is the best plan it's just such a fucking nightmare!

I want to trash the fucking garden. I spent practically the whole day there yesterday. I'm gonna dump the weeds back in. The fucker.  

So up yours farmer grumpy. You can swivel on your fly infested, damp smelling, manky water house. 

The Berlow-Jackson's are moving in to better pastures. 

I knew the chocolate cake would come in handy!

Meltdowns - increasing

Losing the Plot - on the up

Breastfeeding - thinking about a playground flashmob :0

Could this be it?

So the farmhouse just wasn't meant to be because 'what's for you won't go by you'. It's what I keep hearing and as much as I love this phrase there is still a part of me that wanted to be *that* far away from civilisation. I'd had enough of it. I needed to get away from it and its inhabitants. It's not been very 'civil' to us so far. I wanted to run away and hide in the remotest place possible. But, there was a reason we didn't get it. Apparently. And probably it was too remote. 

Anyway my efforts are now being concentrated on a new place. All my thoughts are how this will be our new home and it will work. It's still in the country but not quite as remote. It's in a small village and our drive home revealed, very close by (3miles) a leisure centre, a tesco, a co-op, riding stables, a soft play thingy and a bit further away (5 miles) THE most amazing country party with woodland trails, a fishing loch, a crazy assault course, a castle AND a forest school!!! Unbelievable. Maybe homeschooling with added forest school AND Nurture in Nature could help persuade a certain unbeliever. Or maybe flexi schooling. Or maybe even moving to a local smaller school. That parts still undecided but I know which one I want!

The house is the last in the village which then has a dead end road about a few miles long leading to a few farms. Also the farmer said if there were no animals in it, then we could go into the field RIGHT AT THE END OF OUR GARDEN!!! A garden that has possible (landlord willing) potential for lot of things like chickens and vegetable patches and tramampolines!!! There was also a random sheep in the garden cutting the grass. How handy is that!!! It's not too far from the main line into town for hubby to commute. It will take longer and he will probably be home later but it won't matter because we will have a field!

OMG we absolutely must get this house and if we don't that phrase will need to be bloody real because I will once again be devastated. 

I need vibes. Great big going to get this house vibes. Field vibes. Real fires vibes. Snowed in during winter vibes. VIBE ME. Agents office opens tomorrow. 

Meltdowns - go run it out in that there field 

Losing the plot - go walk it out in that there field 

Breastfeeding - in a field! Why not!!!

Emotions in motion....HA!

I think I have may have underestimated the effect of moving could have on all of us.  I have tried very hard to keep things as smooth and routine and 'normal' as possible.  In the first 2-3days I organised the kitchen as fast as I could to get the food source happening, but obviously everything is in a different looking place. Then I organised the kids clothes and books how they used to be but in a different position..same wardrobe, same drawers, simply cos we needed to keep their furniture.  We organised the living room and finally after 5days, the TV! We kept Ellie going to school (not sure if that was best move, but then I am biased!) and even I managed a nurture nature and some brownie and bread making.

But the girls really are having a hard time adjusting and Maia in particular has been quite destructive, ripping wallpaper, food dropping, more mess making than usual (which i know is normally quite high!), ignoring, hitting me(not major, like faux hitting) and  disruptive at other times, especially bed time.  

It all came to a head yesterday and after much upset, anger and crying..from all, and major calming down needed from me, we had a bedtime chat.  We talked about missing the old house and what she missed, the bathroom was first on her list, the wooden toilet seat..I wondered about this until i realised the toilet seats feel diffrent here and in a sleepy state, its nice to feel the familiar on your bottom!  There were other such random items, light fittings, wardrobes not being where they should be (in Brenfield) but the most telling was the missing sleeping next to us, which is what thy did in the old house.  I had kind of prepared them for this before moving, explaining they would be in a double bed together, but nothing can really prepare for that.  The first few nights it was really working, together in a double bed, they started as far apart as possible but by morning were always together.  Then the other room was sorted and the bunk beds went up and the novelty for there took over, the next night was in a tent on the floor next to the bunk beds.  We have given them the choice of where to sleep.  

We finally talked about all the things we did like about the new house and she managed to come up with quite a few, but they were becoming more and more random until I realised, she was feeling calmer and was ready to fall asleep.  

The upshot is, we have brought Maia back into our bed for a wee bit to help her feel more settled.  I know most would think we are crazy but we already feel its helping...We have at least 3months to settle her back to one of the other choices of beds in preparation for the new bubbah!  The only problem I can forsee is that there would not be room for Ellie too.  I will have to find a different way of helping her feel more settled or its bunk beds for Barry!!  Aah Barry, his study has been his priority!

grrrr boxes

So in 8days, we have sorted out most of the 'living spaces', now its back to sorting out our 'emotional spaces'.

Upset, unsettled children are hard to be with. I can be hard to be with too. Real emotions are hard to be with.  I can be hard to be with too.  Most people put a lot of time and effort into not showing their real emotions.  Not dealing with their feelings.  Pretending everything is under control, in control, sorted and happy.  Kids have no such (dis)abilities.  They are as real and raw as they come. I can be like this too, just hopefully not as much. Thank G-d!  

Meltdowns - phenomenal!

Losing the Plot - OMG I should have been filmed!

Breastfeeding - soon, so very soon!