Love me more and more and more and forever

Ellie and Maia were out for the evening tonight at the theatre. Barry and I played hide and seek with Millie (5) in one room..it was really funny...I wish I'd filmed it...she hid in the same place every time! She basically had our undivided attention for almost 2hrs and she absolutely loved it!  She was heard and understood and no-one called her an idiot or stupid or pulled her hair or hit her for no reason.   

 It was an interesting and relatively easy experience nighttime parenting only one child and I'm going to be honest, I did for a brief moment wonder what life would be like if life hadn't happened and we were parents to just the one. I'm not proud the thought slipped in there, but there you have it, it did. Anyway, as quickly as the thought appeared I confused it out my head with the complications of time travelling and Millie being the youngest (or would she be older?) and the other two not existing and ages being different and would she still be 5 or would we always have started a family when we did and...sod it. ...it wouldn't work, no point even thinking about it. Yet I did.....

I remember parenting one child and how overwhelmed and different I felt. The only one *still* breastfeeding at 1, the only one not initiating weaning to go skiing, then only one actually carrying my toddler in a sling and *still* sharing a bed. Then the 2nd came and I carried on parenting in this different way, by then I had found a few others who parented the way I did, through La Leche League and Nurture in Nature.  I saw others breastfeeding part babyhood and bed sharing with their children. There was no-one tandem feeding but I didn't feel as different. I did begin to feel the tug of war between siblings and with my body....one needs me over there, one needs me here...then no3 came along...I didn't know the meaning of overwhelmed and different!!! 

Having more than one kid changes the way you are able to love each child. There is always love to go around, just most-times there isn't enough of me to go around.  There is a constant battle of guilt in my head about giving everyone what they need and that constant nagging feeling that I'm somehow failing each kid of their right to have a complete childhood because they constantly have to divide me and share me and fight for my attention. I realised yesterday I could distinguish each child by their repetitive mum mum mum call. Each one is different!

The girls came home quite late but full of excitement from their trip. I deliberately took the time to connect and listen before encouraging them upstairs. Words are futile at times like these. Times when they are beyond tired yet still enthusiastically awake. Repeatedly asking them to start bedtime falls on deaf excited ears.  I know they just need a bit of mummytime before the mundane. Listen. Connect..then let them follow me to toothbrushing and bed. 

My girls are getting older....soon all three be in school and that 'me time' I am constantly trying to carve out will become that much easier...a new phase awaits us all. 

Last night Millie eeked out every ounce of mum and dad time she could until hubby went to pick up the older two, then she squeezed just a bit more love from me until she fell asleep....mummy "whisper in my ear" she said...."say I am worthy, I am wanted, I am loved...mummy loves Millie". Yes she does. She loves each and every one of you. Completely. As much as she can.

Meltdowns - none tonight with only one

Losing the Plot - not even a little

Breastfeeding - Natural term feeding at its finest

3,324 consecutive days...that's how long I have been feeding my babies!

I think my breastfeeding days could be over. I have been breastfeeding non stop for 9yrs. I tandem fed my eldest when they were younger and have been feeding Millie for 3yrs 8months. 

Tonight at bedtime I was consciously thinking this could be our last feed I better get off my phone and remember it!! This is a big moment. 

I looked at her face, I felt her hair and I thought how weird it was that hubby showed me a video this evening that he coincidentally came across, of one of Millie's first feeds. The one from when she had tongue tie and kept falling off, the one where she was SO upset and hungry and unable to get any milk. It was difficult to watch. She was so tiny and red from crying and she looked so thin. I remembered the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I couldn't finish watching it. 

Now here I am watching her possible last feed ever.

She hasn't been able to get milk from the right side for a few days and not as much from left either. I suspect the pain medication has been messing about with my production. I know we could get push through it and I could produce more and she would persevere but.......

I have decided to go away for a couple of days to my friends. I think, by the time I am back my milk will be gone. 

I finally made the decision. I have decided that she will cope with me being away. I decided that I need to get away and properly have a break.  I decided that she will manage. She will manage throughout the day without her morning wake up milk and without her midday connection milk and without her early evening tired but not ready for bed comfort milk and without her bedtime milk. 

I know she has managed without some of those milk times but she has never had to manage without ANY of them. 

I can feel myself talking myself out of it as I write this and the fact that she came to me tonight and gave me the biggest hug ever and I thought 'oh my G-d I can't leave this incredibly scrummylicious baby' and also the fact that as I was trying to get her to bed hubby turned up to help as it had been an hour already and she said to him 'I miss mummy she's going away'. Oh dear G-d she misses me already and I'm sitting right beside her. I can't do this. How can I leave her?

An hour later and she is finally asleep after shouting for me for ten minutes after discussing all the things she will be doing with hubby and the girls for 50mins!!

Another hour later and we are now trying to get the girls to bed. They are wild tonight and giggly and not listening. Its going to end in disaster. It's 10pm. I'm tired.  My resolve is getting stronger. I'm pretty sure I will be going. 

Eldest and hubby get into a fight. She's bawling. He's shouting. He turns to me and says I've changed my mind (meaning don't go!!)

I need this. Hubby is off work so it works. 

He can go away at the weekend if he wants. It's only fair. 

So after 9yrs of near 24/7 parenting I am having a real honest to goodness two over nighters!! It's almost surreal. 

The decision is made. We will all manage!! 

Meltdowns - random and loud

Losing the plot - mainly over dishes left everywhere

Breastfeeding - I'm pretty sure it's over and I feel ok about that. Well ok at the moment, since it hasn't happened and she will want morning milk and afternoon milk tomorrow anyway, which I'd forgotten about!!

Stressed Some?

Its really hard to do a hypnobirthing relaxation cd with 

Ellie spinning in middle of room saying 'daddy marzipan, daddy marzipan, daddy marzipan' 

over and over.  

Its really hard but I'll still try.

its really hard for me to not be a stresshead
pretty much everything stresses me out
and makes my head spin
which makes it really hard for me to parent in a nonstressified way
in a calm manner
in a gentle manner
in a quiet manner
in a patient manner
in a kind manner
in a loving manner
in a manner that makes me feel good about myself
and makes my children feel good about themselves
Its really hard but I keep on trying

Its really hard to know if its working

It's really hard to know if I am working

It often feels like I should try harder

and so I do

Meltdowns - a few  (but not with me)
Losing the Plot - not today  (easier since they were not actually in the house!!)
Breastfeeding - not just now  (but pondering tandem)

Default Shouty Mama

I just feel that if I am 'human' that is, as in how my continuum was...shouting, coercive, bribing, mean, cheeky, huffy, stompy, uncalm, authoritarian, sarky, narky, impatient, uncoping etc. would not be in it.  All the things I am when I don't CHECK myself scare me. It is becoming more and more normal to NOT be this way but it is still a struggle at times and I have to work HARD not to react and be this way. Then I remember all the stuff I have read and think 'oh bugger, I am fucking the kids up again!'

I am not a default calm and serene and sweet and wonderful and joyful type mother my default is not a pretty sight and I know it makes things harder and horribler in the long run to be like this, so I arm myself with all this knowledge and information hoping it will sink in and make me STOP and think...'there is a better way of handling this, I know there is others have paved the way and shown me it can be done.  Diets have changed, people are more aware of healthier, exercise etc people know things now....I know these things now, I don't want to ignore them.  I am fearful of what might happen if I ignore them.  It makes sense to me, of course the loving, gentle and joyful approach is going to create a connective and joyful and loving relationship and the other way...well I believe the articles I read, I've seen the results and I just don't think in the long run that it works.

This kind of parenting is not easy for me  because I have not had the experience of it in my life before, it is not what we as a society are used to and the more I read the more I learn and realise how much I need to change

Meltdowns - help move things forward

Losing the Plot - help clear the air

Breastfeeding - helps with the other two

It's Not Right

I often feel I dont read Ellie as well as I should or could and then in the interest of removing self-guilt I rationalise that she doesn't let me in as much as I would want.  She finds it hard to tell me how she is feeling either this is something to investigate or she doesn't know herself yet, can't put it into words,  is only three and has a lot going on for her.  I'll go for the latter, just because the former takes way too much exploration just now and will probably be due to MY mother-daughter relationship and I don't need to go there just now or at 4am in the morning when I was a teenager and my mother decided was a good time to 'chat' about difficult things. And anyway I am exploring MY daughter-mother relationship.

It's not easy to articulate your feelings but you can let someone know something is not right by your behaviour.

Ok, so what does Ellie do to let me know that things are not right...aside from telling me and 'using her words' which she often does, she often doesn't and does something else instead. 

She starts off trying to connect and let me know something is not right but if I miss these cues, it can escelate into other forms of communication...She screeches, she whinges, she whimpers,  she cries, she screams....or she does them all by which point my brain can only take so much haranguing and shuts down.

Maia can spend her entire trying to get back to sleep without the boob time pitifully saying 'its not right' meaning the blanket is not on properly but I can't help answering her 'no its not right' and marvelling on the  merits of the phrase.

So we have a  multitude of  missed behaviours which can lead to meltdown.  Which can after an either particularly long  meltdown or a series of seemingly 'random' ones ( there is always a reason but sometimes I am just too 'not there' to quite get it) lead to me losing the plot which is basically the point where she can't cope I cant cope no-one can cope and its all out of control.  Scary place to be in for all of us. 

The trick is, to cut it off at the pass...to recognise before it becomes a meltdown.  To be on the ball and open  and ready for everything that comes our way.   To be able to negotiate and confer throughout the day on a manageable level.  This takes communication, skills and tools. Sometimes I have them and I know exactly what's going on and am able to work out exactly what the best thing to do is, sometimes I don't. Sometimes that's the answer because doing nothing, being a passive observer is what's needed. They can work it out for themselves, all be it with some frustration.  The accomplishment is worth the pain.   Sometimes doing very little is what is needed, being an active observer, providing words that are needed, having some frustration but knowing I am on hand to offer support or facilitation eases the anguish.   Sometimes doing a lot is what is needed, being an active participant, getting right in there and doing it because the whole thing is just too overwhelming to possibly endure.

I remember the days when cues were generally about boob, sleep or poop and Barry would say wow, isn't it hard work being a baby....WOW its complicated work being a toddler and  blimey its challenging work being a toddlers mum.

Meltdowns - several

Losing the Plot - one massive one

Breastfeeding - not today thanks

Pre-Emptive Flour Strike

Whilst attempting to clean the kitchen after our bread making I had time to ponder on the merits of continually thinking that Ellie is not listening to me and feeling like every time I say something she automatically does the opposite. I am not imagining it, it really happens. So what’s the reason? I am not asking for complete compliance, just sometimes it would be really lovely if my girls heard me.

I just have to be quicker to reframe my words…instead of ‘stop we need that flour for the bread’ it should be ‘wait, lets get a different bag that you can explore’. So, instead of me becoming frustrated and annoyed and stopping exploration and enjoyment, we had this instead….

It’s not easy though, my mother expected me to do as she always wanted and said, still does....yet somehow it worked, I am not sure how. It worked till I was old enough to realize there was a different way? I am guessing she used guilt, threats, fear and plain old simple NO….a stopper to pleasure and exploration. I don't want this for my girls.

If I am programmed this way into thinking and expecting compliance from Ellie, then I am going to be frustrated and disappointed continually and Ellie has nothing to lose from staying this way. .she now deliberately does stuff to get a reaction from me….except she really doesn't want to be this way.....its one of those self fulfilling prophecy things that I tried hard to avoid for most of her life.

what to do? what to do?

meltdowns 1 huge massive hour long one

losing the plot 1 - in defence I was calm for 45mins of it

breastfeeding - tandem required today