Love me more and more and more and forever

Ellie and Maia were out for the evening tonight at the theatre. Barry and I played hide and seek with Millie (5) in one room..it was really funny...I wish I'd filmed it...she hid in the same place every time! She basically had our undivided attention for almost 2hrs and she absolutely loved it!  She was heard and understood and no-one called her an idiot or stupid or pulled her hair or hit her for no reason.   

 It was an interesting and relatively easy experience nighttime parenting only one child and I'm going to be honest, I did for a brief moment wonder what life would be like if life hadn't happened and we were parents to just the one. I'm not proud the thought slipped in there, but there you have it, it did. Anyway, as quickly as the thought appeared I confused it out my head with the complications of time travelling and Millie being the youngest (or would she be older?) and the other two not existing and ages being different and would she still be 5 or would we always have started a family when we did and...sod it. ...it wouldn't work, no point even thinking about it. Yet I did.....

I remember parenting one child and how overwhelmed and different I felt. The only one *still* breastfeeding at 1, the only one not initiating weaning to go skiing, then only one actually carrying my toddler in a sling and *still* sharing a bed. Then the 2nd came and I carried on parenting in this different way, by then I had found a few others who parented the way I did, through La Leche League and Nurture in Nature.  I saw others breastfeeding part babyhood and bed sharing with their children. There was no-one tandem feeding but I didn't feel as different. I did begin to feel the tug of war between siblings and with my body....one needs me over there, one needs me here...then no3 came along...I didn't know the meaning of overwhelmed and different!!! 

Having more than one kid changes the way you are able to love each child. There is always love to go around, just most-times there isn't enough of me to go around.  There is a constant battle of guilt in my head about giving everyone what they need and that constant nagging feeling that I'm somehow failing each kid of their right to have a complete childhood because they constantly have to divide me and share me and fight for my attention. I realised yesterday I could distinguish each child by their repetitive mum mum mum call. Each one is different!

The girls came home quite late but full of excitement from their trip. I deliberately took the time to connect and listen before encouraging them upstairs. Words are futile at times like these. Times when they are beyond tired yet still enthusiastically awake. Repeatedly asking them to start bedtime falls on deaf excited ears.  I know they just need a bit of mummytime before the mundane. Listen. Connect..then let them follow me to toothbrushing and bed. 

My girls are getting older....soon all three be in school and that 'me time' I am constantly trying to carve out will become that much easier...a new phase awaits us all. 

Last night Millie eeked out every ounce of mum and dad time she could until hubby went to pick up the older two, then she squeezed just a bit more love from me until she fell asleep....mummy "whisper in my ear" she said...."say I am worthy, I am wanted, I am loved...mummy loves Millie". Yes she does. She loves each and every one of you. Completely. As much as she can.

Meltdowns - none tonight with only one

Losing the Plot - not even a little

Breastfeeding - Natural term feeding at its finest

Hold

Hold your babies close tonight

Hold your baby close

Hold your heart all wrapped up tight

Hold the love that never fades

Keep your baby in your love

Hold your babies close tonight

Still going

I can put as much of a positive thinking, getting my shit together, dealing with my issues, spin on it as I like, it's still just me keeping it together all day with three lively communicative active kids. It's still G-d damn nigh on impossibly hard sometimes,  yet here I am nearly 7yrs later.  Still standing. Still loving. Still laughing. Still crying. Still shouting. Still connecting. Still trying. Still breastfeeding. Still not sleeping. Still wondering. Still worthy. Still wanted. Still loved. 

Maybe we're all doing something right after all!

Meltdowns - minimal actually!

Losing the plot - kind of, but not totally

Breastfeeding - toooooo much something must be growing, developing, hurting, working

Do You Remember When We Used to....

come down to a new dvd on a saturday morning

roller blade at the car shop

do magic on a thursday with an eggshell in a Tupperware

spend hours learning the names of moshis

carry baby Millie

carry Annabel doll in a sling

get a graze box on Saturday mornings

jump on the trampoline pretending to be dogs

go to parks and get covered in mud

make a stall to sell things

go round the neighbours selling things and collecting money for charity

get balloons at the car garage

picnic on the roundabout

do sparklers on the roundabout on fireworks night

climb on the roof of the car and slide down the windscreen

write letters and leave presents for the mice

put two legs in one and play mermaids

do shows before bedtime

spend all day in the woods making fires and playing in rivers

be woken to watch meteor showers bundled with blankets lying on the trampoline

be taken outside to watch the sky if we woke in middle of night

snuggle next to mummy and daddy at night for years

make experiments in the kitchen from whatever was available

spend hours playing together in the bath

be spun in a trolley at the supermarket

make multicoloured ice balloons

get more flour on the floor than in the bowl

draw chalk pictures on the street

get on a train just for the ride

climb trees

picnic on the trampoline and the roundabout and just about every park

lie on the car roof and watch the planes overhead

take car trips to the beach

go camping in the woods

go camping in the back garden

go to festivals

(Ongoing more added as remembered!!)

**************************************************

I made this list because I often ask the girls if they remember doing something from a few years ago (or even yesterday) and they always answer no and I think to myself WTH am I doing making all this effort when they don't even remember! I like to think their subconscious is storing it in their 'we had a great childhood' memory bank to reduce potential future fuckedupedness!!

**************************************************

I asked hubby for his contribution :-

Do you remember when we used to sleep through the night, have sex, eat out, go to work together in the morning, lol!!!

Play the game mummy

Most days a way to connection is staring me straight in the face. I get given the opportunity and I rarely take it. I am resistant to it in fact.

The girls play babies. They want me to be their mother. I thought I already was?? They want me to baby them.

They want me to carry them and hold them and take care of their every single needs and love them like a baby.

"When we play babies and I'm the mother what do I have to do?"

"You just have to be a *normal* mother" says Maia

WTF??!!!!

They want me to treat them how a baby is treated because....because.... probably because I was nicer to them when they were babies? I didn't ask/nag. I didn't shout (much). I didn't ask them to bring their own plate through after dinner or, G-d forbid, dress themselves. I didn't make them wait.

"Do everything for them until they want to, or until they can, do it themselves but even then they might not want to so you have to anyway" Is that an accurate description of a mother? Would that be acceptable in their game? I think not.

I knew what to do then. (Except back then I felt like I didn't.) Hold them. Love them. Feed them milk. Give them my boob. That was pretty much it for a very long time!!!

Now, They are 6 and 4. Not babies. They are growing up and now, now I have no clue how to be their mother aside from the holding. The loving. The feeding. There is SO much more to it and wow it's hard. This is more than just the holding. The loving. That kind of connecting. It's way more complicated. This is a whole nother level.

This way to connection, this way to fill their cup, it's staring me straight in the face. It's so obvious. I know that. But fuck me I'm tired! I'm resistant because I already am the mother and I'm finding it damn hard. Why would I want to play *that* as a game??!

Sometimes I do play. They love it.

Other times, they want me to be the popcorn lady.

Meltdowns - special kind of growing up ones

Losing the plot - trying SO very hard at moment not to

Breastfeeding - still working!

But I wasn't doing nothing.

I've got Lennie syndrome.
Don't google it
I made it up
Besides googling symptoms is scary.


It's Lennie from Of Mice and Men
He loves too much

I have Too Much Smooshing syndrome.
I don't think there is a cure for it.
Who'd want one anyway!!


" His love for soft things conspires against him, mostly because he doesn't know his own strength, and eventually becomes his undoing."





I have this with Millie. I want to hold her and love her and smoosh her and kiss her and and and....and invariable after the giggling she cries out "aaaah enough mummy". Well it's more like "eeeeaaaaaaaaagggnnnnnrrgggh"


Anyway. Every time I do it, I feel like that cartoon character:-



She is just SO oooooooh. Smooshable. Oh I could eat her!

Besotted much??!!

I'm sure you're the same!

Difficult Week

With sick children all week I have not had time to update things.  We haven't really done much and its been pretty crazy free!!  This picture will have to do: -

Every time I'll Try

Every Time I'll Try




Every time you try to push me away
I'm going to pull you closer


Every time you try to hit me
I'll kiss you on the nose


Every time you try to shout at me
I'll hug you all the more


and


Every time you try to hate me
I'll love you even more




                                                              Well I'll try to anyway






 ©Miriam Berlow-Jackson