Dear Inner Child

Hello little me

Dance freely wee one, I'm sorry your mum and dad didn't foster your obvious love of dancing.

I'm sorry you were pushed down paths by well meaning people.

I'm sorry you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself

I'm sorry you were allowed to watch a scary program with the babysitter which resulted in nightmares for months

I'm sorry your mum was always in bed when you got home from school.

I'm sorry you felt unheard.  

I'm sorry you were physically and mentally bullied by your brother and nothing was ever done to help you.

I'm sorry your sister and brother found a nickname for you and teased you relentlessly for a very long time.

I'm sorry you lost your security blanket called a batty. I'm sorry your mum tried to make you get rid of it and probably hid it.

I'm sorry life changed so drastically for you after your sister's sexual assault. You weren't aware of what had actually happened but you certainly felt the stress and anguish and fear your parents laid upon you.

You somehow learned that being the good quiet girl kept you under the radar but it made you minimise yourself and people have been asking you to do that to yourself ever since.

I'm sad that your secondary school years were such a shambles, with no friends anymore and constant bullying which was never really resolved properly.

I'm sorry there was so much pressure on you to be as clever as other people or to be thinner or prettier or faster or smarter or better. Always being told you're not good enough the way you were. You were brilliant. I'm sad your mum never saw that.

I'm sorry your siblings had no time or respect for you and treated you like a nuisance and a threat.

I'm sad that you were emotionally neglected and never had a proper chance to connect with your parents. So much unsaid and glossed over or 'fixed'.

I'm sorry I dragged you in and out of therapy your whole life with no real progress.

I'm sorry I started drinking so young and ruined your chances of having some semblance of ok teenage years.

I'm sad you put so much of yourself into your first proper relationship only to never feel he was good or strong enough for you and that all you actually had in common was alcohol and fun.

I'm so sad how your life could have been so different.

Discrimination and Ignorance was not why I was there

The whole world is on fire and we are fairly fucked here in the UK. I can't see past any of this to any kind of future and I don't understand how complacent and compliant people are being.

Fucking nurse at GP surgery refused to take my blood cos I wasn't wearing a mask. I have an exemption and have been in the practice many times before. Half the sodding country don't wear them anymore. It's just ludicrous and frustrating and stressful.

I definitely got poor health care. I wasn't able to talk to her about any of the things I was meant to be there for, because she was being such a *itch.  I said you can't deny me healthcare. She effectively said she could as she backed herself into a corner trying to keep away from me. I was already having a bad day and I was too upset, tired and depressed to even try talking to her and I just put the mask on to get out as fast as I could.

And there is your proof of division, discrimination and ignorance.

#hadenough

#naturalimmunityisbest

#DisabilityDiscrimination

Walk a mile in my shoes

I say I feel. Hugely.

You say my feelings are 

Too big

Too negative

Too wrong

I say imagine feeling that way?

How awful would that be?

To feel them so.

What you actually said was things are not as bad as you feel.

Imagine though, imagine you felt they were?

blood on the carpet

 think you hit the nail on the head there... "I was told that i had great potential when I was a kid, something that I've never found but has condemned me to self-deprecation. So I don't want to impose that expectation on her"...how was it phrased to you, how has it shaped you...obviously enough to 'condemn' you, why did you never find it, lack of or too much 'encouragement'....this seems a trigger point for you, it would seem you have a fear of doing the same to your dd..understandable...i think this is half our issues ladies...finding out what our triggers were/are and redoing them a gentler, more respectful way to our own kids..you know so they don't get too *f&^5*UCKED* up!! its a flippin minefield out there and i am in pieces all over the carpet!

Meltdowns - probably so many

Losing the Plot - gone

Breastfeeding - most definitely

An old blog post I never published but had words from a friend I admired. 

Unconscious Gender Critical Always supporting Mother

My jubilance is almost upon me but I remain cautious still.

Yesterday mornings news regarding the GRA which I caught at 2am round my fire sent my vindication terfidity soaring through the damp Scottish sky.

I'd learned that I had 'Peak Transed' around February when in desperation one day I called Stephanie from Trangendered Trend. I only realised this a few days ago when I heard and found out what it meant to Peak Trans. I was advised to go on mumsnet 😱😂 thank G-d I probably won't need to now!!!

I spend my kids lives growing up telling them that colours are for everyone, you can wear what you want, clothes don't define you and be who you want as society doesn't define you either. You can love who you want as long as you are not hurting anyone.

Name changing is all the rage at the moment. It is, in some cases a childish desire for autonomy, self identity, confidence, a change, an excitement and sometimes it's a step towards being Transed by a misguided and confusing agenda and subject that I do not think my children should be introduced to at a young age.

Since when did it stop being my choice what my children are being indoctrinated by?

When my eldest went to high school joined the LGBQTI lunch time club, there were meetings and conferences and my kids acquired many colourful flags and badges and validation for being ASD/different/quirky.

For the last few years, we have been immersed in the whole shebang. My kids are so confused and explorative and inclusive and caring and adamant they are right. Eldest has changed from gay to bisexual to now non binary (wtaf is that anyway!) and the middle has been self harming wanting to be a boy.  The youngest 8 just goes along with whatever makes her siblings (can't say sisters now,) happy.

I'm so bone tired from it all, having to balance their needs and support them whilst also being GC is really hard. Lots of confusion, arguing, understanding, talking and storming off. 

I feel so bad for my parents now. It's a nightmare time for teenagers to be young and impressionable and impulsive  🙄I'm sure we weren't this bad lol

I spoke personally to Stephanie at Transgendered Trend in February when this all finally blew up at home and we found out about the reason for the self harming. 

I talked for ages on the way to work one day in a traffic jam..she was brilliant but put the fear of G-d in me by compounding everything I had been researching up until that point. 

I guess I reached Peak Trans. I ended up in an absolute state, consoled by boss, who understood my situation but really if you haven't 'experienced' your child wanting to die and cut themselves AND be a boy then you can't truly 'get it'. I was sent home, straight to docs, put on medication and basically been a living hell since. I was just almost turning around from my miscarriage and subsequent realisation that this is the end for my womb and her wombfullness and I was hit with another crisis.

Middle had been seeing an IHeart therapist last year which helped her in other ways as it wasn't a 'specific' talking therapy. We tried to get help from CAHMS and school. CAHMS said no, no previous mental health issues. School were great but educatiom and beuracratic systems run slow and I basically heard the news (that I had been waiting almost two months for) that the school educational psychologist doesn't deal with self harm only educational issues. I am fairly sure if covid19 hadn't happened, her education would have suffered. 

The GP was seeing her weekly. Saw her twice. Then covid19 happened. She was starting some art therapy at school. Then covid19 happened. 

I was more relieved than ever when the  schools closed and not just because of covid19.

Now, I just need reassurances that schools and other authorities are going to help sort this mess out and help my family feel less shell shocked by the whole experience. 

I have absolutely no issues with gay, lesbian even bisexual  but I draw the line at this new fad of transing my kids.  

I draw the line at other ideas and theories about this confusing time for our children NOT being allowed to be discussed by professionals. Their only alternative being affirmation of trans route. I draw the line at changing the lived in time from 2yrs to 3/6 months. I draw the line at age changing from 18 to 16. I draw the line at my kids being transed behind my back by social media, school and the Government. 

I am, as ever supportive of my children's gender journey even though it freaks me out often. I discussed things regarding LGBTQI with lesbian and straight and gay friends to make sure I wasn't pushing my agenda or stepping on my kids boundaries for TWO years. We ate and breathed LGBQTI we talked about it at the dinner table, for a long long time it was the only thing the eldest would talk about, we were supportive. We went on Pride March, we got her the badges and the flags and we listened but things just turned scary and escalated in a way I couldn't understand or keep up with. In a way that seemed scary and misguided to me. 

I've lost IRL friends over this but you know, I'm used to it now with my strong views lol

I feel kind of vindicated by the GRA reform being stopped yet worried all at the time.

 

Now I am worried for all those young kids who are being fed the biological sex lie and that transing is safe and harmless and were hanging their lives on this life affirming and life changing stuff...life or death for some of those kids who are about to be 16 and who are not able to handle this news.

Now, I'm educating myself again and wondering what is the next step for families caught up in this...what are the school going to do to even out this confusing mess for our children?

.

....what a damn mess for everyone. 

Children still need to know that transwomen are not women and transmen are not men. Transgender is transgender.

Transwoman can still have penises and I believe that any amount of medication and castration and alteration will never ever change the innate immutable fact that they were born and lived male or female or intersex AND that changing your sex will not be a panacea for their dysphoria.

Lesbians ( ffs everyone) should be able to say NO to a 'female penis' because some man has decided to self ID as a woman and so now lesbians must ACCEPT the PENIS and gay men should be allowed to make their mind up ( not too sure yet how this issue impacts gay mens right's) and ME as a woman and mother am allowed to say I feel there is a trans issue being conflated with gender identity and NORMAL questioning of gender and laterally sexuality, the two are different and it is creating a transgender epidemic in children too young to fully understand the complex issues. 

Children are pushed by parents  and media/peers/ one way or another. Some parents are over accepting and go down the trans route, I believe because it is woke and in vogue and they are scared by the high suicide rate amongst gender dysphoria children. This should not happen to babies, toddlers or children. Some parents go down the hate route and are total bastards to their children when they start being aware of other's way of expression. They denounce all LGBT existence and rights and throw their kids out for exploring this side of their life. These are two extremes and as a gender critical woman I am neither of those and it is MY right as a woman and a mother to think this way. 

Transpeople already have rights. They start at 18. Before that you have rights as a child and one of them(!) is the parents right to say no to the incoming UK onslaught of chemically altering children on a whim, talking about anal sex to primary school kids, encouraging and stomping on women's rights and erasing women from every day language, not to mention the confusion and dangers of self ID for all. 

Binding, puberty blockers, hormones and chemical castration are NOT the answer for my children (or any child). I really don't think I will ever think differently even when or if I actually have to. So if my children decide at 18 to go down this route then so be it but I'll be damned if I accept that RIGHT now for my 11yr old that the trans route is the ONLY route. 

I will not accept professionals being PUSHED/forced to take the child down the trans route at such a young age and with such vigour and in such a short space of time. 

I will not accept that Dr's, professionals and ANYONE who thinks this way should be silenced.  Especially over my children. 

My child can no longer make this LIFE and BODY altering decision themselves at 16 after 3 months of deciding this. For the work of gender critical females and feminist and women and men and transmen and transwomen who spoke up, I thank you. 

Thoughts on the 3 week Lockdown review by Government a snippet between 31st March - 10th April

31st March - Written to those young people studying or at school and still going out. 

I don't care if you don't think it is serious....just do it for a couple of weeks. Do nothing, Do what you want in your own home and if you do go out do it safely 6ft away from me AT ALL TIMES AND WASH YOUR HANDS WHEN YOU GET HOME. It stays on plastic and cardboard for days.  

My life is busy enough without having to deal with these symptoms happening in my family ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Have you ever lived with unwell children AND an unwell husband all whilst being unwell yourself???

It's not pretty or fun. I've done it with colds and flu's and viruses and puking and pooping and snotting and WORRYING and NO SLEEP. NO THANKS. I can't be doing with it right now especially since I have a risk factor and have many friends and family that have higher risk factors. So stay home, eat your pringles, do your studying and let the #NHS recover from the shock of so many people at once being more unwell than they normally feel...and some people being unable to cope with the coughing and fever symptoms and some people unfortunately dying. Some with no underlying symptoms.

You can shout as much as you like AFTER, that it's not serious enough to stay at home for a few weeks and read graphs. 

Right NOW the NHS can't cope and I don't want to have anyone I know end up in hospital just now because right now, It's the last place I'd want to be. 

AFTER I want those who don't think it's serious to realise that the Government we have, promised the NHS £350million but instead cut jobs after jobs after jobs and effectively contributed to the ramifications of this virus and see where we are and maybe shout about that. AFTER. Right now, stop spreading the rampant virus, stay at home, wash your hands and hope no-one you know can't manage the symptoms. 

Thank you 💜

A stressed Mum and many others that want you to stay at home 

6.4.20

Still stay at home, keep 6ft away from people, follow the lines in the supermarket, wait outside to be let in. Keep washing your hands keep washing your plastic packaging and leave your 5.8million Government letter alone for 24hrs because it stays on surfaces https://www.inverness-courier.co.uk/news/royal-mail-begins-delivering-virus-advice-to-30-million-homes-195864/

Some still not believing it's as bad as is being made out to be.  Hardly anyone wearing masks or gloves.

10.4.20

Although physical distancing is getting better, the virus is still spreading.

Instead of tattle telling on your neighbour be more proactive with telling our Government that they need to implement across board advice regarding cross contamination and how long it stays on surfaces and about asymptomatic carriers.  Tell your Government that more than just NHS frontline workers need PPE. Care workers, shop people, anyone who is regularly going out for their work and not working from home. Staff should be taking regular handwashing breaks/glove changing for their own safety and wearing proper masks. I actually really feel everyone should be wearing proper masks and gloves. No one should be a lottery on living or dying.

The 3 weeks is up soon and it seems the estimated few weeks has become much longer than weeks and most likely will be months.

I now personally know people with underlying health issues who have died as young as 65 and people with no underlying health issues being ventilated ahe 47, or in a very serious condition, sadly some children are dying too.  I now know people who have had the mild symptoms and it's been hell and some it's been a breeze. I don't personally know anyone who has it asymptomatically and is still spreading the virus because ASYMPTOMATIC 

https://www.cebm.net/covid-19/covid-19-what-proportion-are-asymptomatic/

We still can't get effective test, tests are arriving already infected, apparently common with new tests. Testing is unreliable and doesn't give a full enough picture.  https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/health-51943612

Some still not taking it seriously. 

Government not doing enough soon enough compared to other countries. https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/04/coronavirus-deaths-rise-signs-progress-live-updates-200409231002574.html

Out and about a few more people wearing gloves and masks but not enough IMO

It kind of feels we are rather easily slipping into a totalitarian state. 

Also I am trying to track Scotland figures, but they keep changing the goal posts and I'm totally convinced the numbers cannot possibly be accurate because there is no proper testing and people who are getting it mild are not counted in the final figures of the day for Scottish Government statistics only hospital patients are.

The whole thing is a crazy rammy where nobody knows exactly what's going on because we are living it in real time and it changes daily, sometimes hourly and unless you have an entire day to be able to just research, then how can we know wtf is really going on. Hence lack of sleep once kids are in bed.

China has reported no new deaths but they've already said that before. https://www.npr.org/sections/coronavirus-live-updates/2020/04/07/828827326/china-reports-its-first-day-with-no-new-covid-19-deaths

Stay at home more.

What else can we do? 

I need sleep. 

Gender Awareness and ASD

This increased awareness and knowledge is all well and good but right now, to me, it just feels like a huge dump of information at a time when my child is at her most vulnerable and a lot of jumping on the bandwagon. It's such a difficult situation to explain without sounding homophobic or unacceptable or in the wrong, its a minefield.

I really feel Ellie has been massively influenced by it all as she entered high school but I don't know how to speak about it without sounding wrong. I need to be clear that I have no issues with whatever my kids eventually identifies as, I'm just saying I find it all so intense and as an up and coming female ASD teenager, I can see how easily influenced she can be and how the need to be accepted is paramount.

She had absolutely no awareness or interest in anything to do with gender or sexuality or relationships prior to high school, she never talked about any of it, never indicated any preference or anything like that and now she hardly talks of anything else unless it's gender or sexuality related. I feel she has suddenly been bombarded with it at school and because its a marginalised society and because she is on the spectrum, and so very easily influenced by her peers, this group feels accepting of her differences as an ASD teenager since they are all kind of struggling with feeling 'different' too. They are more tolerant of her idiosyncrasies.

As it is, they are getting to that age where acceptance and tolerance over anything, not just gender and sexuality, are the most difficult.

Maybe I'm worrying over nothing, maybe there should be a term for us parents who experiences this entirely new situation. I am delighted she has finally found a group of accepting and kind friends. I do know it's all going to be OK whatever she eventually decides and we will support her all the way.

It's just so full on and she told me she only went over to the stand because of the colourful rainbow flag.

Even Though

1.1.19

Even though I'm not thinking about it. Even though I'm working on not obsessing on it. Even though I know my period ended a few days ago and even though I'm not counting or working things out and even though I know my 24-48 hour window of fertility is coming up very soon and even though I am not peeing on the ovulation stick every morning, night and a few of the hours in between and even though I am trying not to let my anxiety take over and even though I'm trying to reduce my stress levels and even though I am not looking at my fertility app two or three times a day and even though I know it says I will ovulate tomorrow and even though I am not not not obsessing and focusing all my nervous energy on consciously conceiving and even though none of this is happening and I'm not doing any of it and even though I know that my due date this time around might be my mums bday not because I look at the due date calculator web page every other day.

Even though I know and don't know any of this, I don't and I'm not because I'm not letting it take over my thoughts or life or anything that ridiculous.

#notdoingthat
#notthinkingaboutit
#notobsessing
#honest

Take a big big picture

Millie has sweets
She gave some to Ellie and Maia
She gave one to me and wanted to see it get small from sucking. I didn't know and when she came back in to see mine I told her it was finished. She went back in the other room and took one of the sweets she had given to Ellie previously in order to give it to me.

We felt Ellie should have understood that Millie was only wanting to make me happy and play a game with mummy and we surmised that Millie thought that since she had given Ellie a few, taking one wouldn't be a major problem especially since it was for mummy.

Ellie didn't. She completely freaked out at the injustice of Millie not asking for the sweet and she was so fixated on that part that we couldn't help her see why Millie had perhaps thought it was ok to take a sweet.

We explained to Millie that she should have asked Ellie.

No matter how we tried to explain it to Ellie she couldn't see past the initial injustice. Millie shouldn't have taken the sweet and that was that.

My hubby is a lawyer and he often says to his clients sometimes you need to see the bigger picture and that sometimes you need to look past your full legal rights.

A long time ago we discussed present giving.  The consensus on taking back a present because you've changed your mind was, that at that young age it was better for them to learn about compassion and make an allowance for the fact that the present giver is allowed to change their mind and that it's ok to. We felt that sometimes kids give things to their friends in the heat of the moment for the right reasons and regret it later. (They can also give things for wrong reasons, because they think thats how to gain affection. That's a different matter though!) 

Sometimes you need to see the good in people and not always think you are being wronged.

It also helps to see the bigger picture to help everyone to be happy (or at least fairly happy) with the overall outcome instead of one very happy winner and one very unhappy loser.

Sibling navigation is tricky.

Consent is not required

I'm a good person. I'm a nice person.  I'm an interesting person and I'm a fun person. I am also a principled person and when someone else tells me to temper myself and not be myself then it makes me want to be myself more. I don't like being told what to do. I especially don't like people telling me what to do with my kids. I absolutely abhor this one size fits all society we are being boxed in to. This 'you must do it this way because it's been deemed better for you.'

I still labour under the illusion that I have the right to choose what is best for my family. It's not like my girls are neglected or abused. It's not like I am damaging their health. On the contrary, the amount of chemicals that 'the mainstream' are finally realising causes health problems makes me know in my heart why I live my life the way I do. There are enough toxins in the air that I can't do anything about, without deliberately and consciously ingesting others.

So the issue for me is that the nursery are saying they can't use the toothpaste I provide because the government says there has to be a certain level of flouride in the paste. They will of course speak to the department that runs the toothbrushing initiative but surely it is better to brush than not at all. Not to mention the exclusion and singling out of my child when everyone else is brushing.

The most worrying aspect for me though is actually the wording at the top of the letter. It states:-

"Starting from Academic Year 2016/2017 Consent for tooth brushing is no longer required."

With a capital C for consent, just to drive home the power.

You may think I am reading too much into things. You may think I am over analysing. Yet it always starts with the small things and before you know it, the next letter you receive about your children and your life could read....

"Consent is no longer required."

If I become known as the crazy parent because I am always questioning and pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable to foist on to my girls then so be it.

This isn't my first rodeo. I have been advocating for my girls rights since before they were born and I am not about to stop now. Complacency is not an option for me and my family.

                       _______________

"First they came for their clothes, eroded their identity and stifled their individuality. 

Then they came for their teeth, infused them with neurotoxins and told them to swallow.  

Then they came for their immunity, injected them with poison and made millions. 

Then they came for their minds, censored their brains and conformed their bodies. 

Then they came for me but I had nothing left to give."

You get the picture.......is it sinking in yet????

Meltdowns - ALWAYS after swimming 

Losing the Plot - perhaps 

Breastfeeding - nearing the end of our journey :(

Exercise the body or the mind?

Do all people who do minimal exercise and no exercise that increases their heart rate have back ache? By that, is my back pain due to not doing any exercise. I mean I walk the dog and have three young kids. I average 7,000-10,000 steps a day. I bend down and stretch quite a bit throughout the day but I don't do 'fast' exercise. 

I'm loathe to say I don't do *any* exercise since I have three kids. You know? I don't sit on my arse all day tapping at a computer screen and not moving unless it's to pee or to eat until home time. I'm moving a LOT. Just not 'exercise'. 

I used to do more before the pain or maybe I starting doing less because of the pain. I can't remember. I've lived with growing pain for over ten years.  I've managed it. I've done stuff!! Pain started before marriage and kids before anyone makes that joke. (which isn't that funny to me) I've had three kids. I've found my dream home. I've lived my life. I'm still living it, sort of.  

I'm seeing an osteopath regularly again and yet I'm still in pain. I've changed my way of eating. I think it's pretty clean now, I'm fairly sure I don't eat any processed food. I don't eat wheat. I don't eat sugar. I'm no longer active diabetic. I've stopped all diabetes medicine. I've started turmeric. I use Epsom salts. 

Does everyone who doesn't 'do exercise' have back ache?

Maybe it's emotional. 

Does everyone who has unresolved life issues, (who doesn't!) has lived an interesting life, with a few scrapes and bumps along the way and who may or may not have a few deep dark secrets (come on who doesn't!) and is trying to deal with them have chronic pain?

I've started a Pilates class. The teacher sees my pain and doesn't want me to continue until she hears from my doctor or my osteopath recommending (or perhaps absolving) Pilates. I'm disappointed. I've heard good things about Pilates. It was at a time I could make. It fitted into my hectic life. I'm sure the doctor and the osteopath would highly recommend it, I'm slightly perturbed that she wouldn't. 

I just feel I'm getting slower and doddier and in more pain as time goes on. I'm not getting any younger. 

This feels a very indulgent post. Lots of me's and I've's. Physical pain really sucks and yet others have WAY worse physical pain and shitty stuff going on in their lives but still. It's constant. It's tiring. 

I'm guessing this is why I haven't written anything for so long. It always comes back to my pain. Booooooooooooring. 

Meltdowns - if all three fighting and someone inevitably getting hurt and becoming inconsolable counts as meltdowns 

Losing the Plot - maybe it's in the bread bin

Breastfeeding- working again

She's Just The Mum

I really can't deal with being The Mum. I keep thinking someone is going to come along and be The Mum. I feel a lot of dread when someone calls for The Mum, I wonder if I can get away without being The Mum, if I could just fade into the mess and disappear. I want to crawl in a hole and let someone else have a shot at being her.  Someone who can do all those things The Mum does. 

It's never been quite so bad as just now and what makes it worse is how acutely aware I am that no one is coming. I really am The Mum to these kids. 

And even though I'm doing a terrible job of it, all they have is me and guess what, It'll have to do for now.

Meltdowns - not feeling well so thankfully minimal 

Losing the plot - long gone

Breastfeeding - even being reminded of our hard beginning hasn't made me yearn for longer, so I know I'm ready any time, soon preferably. 

Believe the impossible

Is it possible to have a breakdown whilst still accomplishing things...like getting kids to school almost on time and feeding kids..almost nutritious food?  That's the extent of my parental involvement at the moment.  The rest of the time I sleep. Or lie down. Sometimes the dog gets walked too. 

I know, well I hope, this pain is going to eventually settle down and return to the normal everyday chronic lower back pain levels that I was managing and living with before the accident.  There may even be a possibility the old pain could be lessened. 

I know I have been able to manage my previous pain and live a relatively normal life, knowing my limitation and abilities. Sometimes that was shovelling an entire driveways worth of red stones and sometimes that was getting everyone out the house in the morning. 

I know that if I had to, I could learn to live with this new level of pain. I'm already trying to reduce my pain meds. I'm thinking of a plan to increase how far I can walk with the dog before it gets too much. At the moment I'm not even managing every day. 

I'm really tired and fed up of being in pain just now. It's exhausting. I know it won't last forever. Although sometimes it's just really hard to imagine given that I've already had other chronic pain for pretty much ten years of my life. 

That's another thing, being positive is also really exhausting. Believing things will all work out beautifully. It makes me a grumpyarse. All my strength is going towards healing and all that entails physically and emotionally which makes me impatient and grumpy and exasperated. As ever, my family suffers. 

I know no one died. I know we were so bloody lucky. I shudder with thankfulness every day that I was on my own in the car. 

Still, I'm not a happy camper right now and living with pain is a total fuckitybuggerbolloky head and body fuck. 

Meltdowns - I didn't hear you from all the way up here in my bed almost asleep. I'm sorry you were left alone to go to the toilet yourself. I'm happy you managed it. SEE I *knew* she bloody could!

Losing the Plot - if I had the energy. 

Breastfeeding - despite earlier predictions, this girl is not for turning. There is definitely less coming out and so feeds are shorter which I can handle just now.  

3,324 consecutive days...that's how long I have been feeding my babies!

I think my breastfeeding days could be over. I have been breastfeeding non stop for 9yrs. I tandem fed my eldest when they were younger and have been feeding Millie for 3yrs 8months. 

Tonight at bedtime I was consciously thinking this could be our last feed I better get off my phone and remember it!! This is a big moment. 

I looked at her face, I felt her hair and I thought how weird it was that hubby showed me a video this evening that he coincidentally came across, of one of Millie's first feeds. The one from when she had tongue tie and kept falling off, the one where she was SO upset and hungry and unable to get any milk. It was difficult to watch. She was so tiny and red from crying and she looked so thin. I remembered the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I couldn't finish watching it. 

Now here I am watching her possible last feed ever.

She hasn't been able to get milk from the right side for a few days and not as much from left either. I suspect the pain medication has been messing about with my production. I know we could get push through it and I could produce more and she would persevere but.......

I have decided to go away for a couple of days to my friends. I think, by the time I am back my milk will be gone. 

I finally made the decision. I have decided that she will cope with me being away. I decided that I need to get away and properly have a break.  I decided that she will manage. She will manage throughout the day without her morning wake up milk and without her midday connection milk and without her early evening tired but not ready for bed comfort milk and without her bedtime milk. 

I know she has managed without some of those milk times but she has never had to manage without ANY of them. 

I can feel myself talking myself out of it as I write this and the fact that she came to me tonight and gave me the biggest hug ever and I thought 'oh my G-d I can't leave this incredibly scrummylicious baby' and also the fact that as I was trying to get her to bed hubby turned up to help as it had been an hour already and she said to him 'I miss mummy she's going away'. Oh dear G-d she misses me already and I'm sitting right beside her. I can't do this. How can I leave her?

An hour later and she is finally asleep after shouting for me for ten minutes after discussing all the things she will be doing with hubby and the girls for 50mins!!

Another hour later and we are now trying to get the girls to bed. They are wild tonight and giggly and not listening. Its going to end in disaster. It's 10pm. I'm tired.  My resolve is getting stronger. I'm pretty sure I will be going. 

Eldest and hubby get into a fight. She's bawling. He's shouting. He turns to me and says I've changed my mind (meaning don't go!!)

I need this. Hubby is off work so it works. 

He can go away at the weekend if he wants. It's only fair. 

So after 9yrs of near 24/7 parenting I am having a real honest to goodness two over nighters!! It's almost surreal. 

The decision is made. We will all manage!! 

Meltdowns - random and loud

Losing the plot - mainly over dishes left everywhere

Breastfeeding - I'm pretty sure it's over and I feel ok about that. Well ok at the moment, since it hasn't happened and she will want morning milk and afternoon milk tomorrow anyway, which I'd forgotten about!!

Story of my life...

I NEED GO, THE KIDS ARE DOING THINGS. BYE. 

And we all know what I mean when I say doing stuff!! The kind of stuff where you just know you are thinking 'thank G-d it's not my kids'. Yup. Those are my kids. Thank them, if you get the chance, for taking the pressure off your day for a brief moment and feeling like your day is manageable. I reckon I'm performing a public service for parents everywhere taking my kids out in public!!!

😜😳😝😆😵

Food it's not fun yet

I'm all in a food kerfuffle. Have any of you heard about the spit test for thrush? I have no vaginal symptoms but itchy feet and majorly itchy scalp. The woman who did my colonic last Saturday told me about the spit test. Morning spit in water if it starts to streak down you have thrush....

...does everyone have yeast and some have an overgrowth and a problem?

I have basically for the last month stopped carbs (bread, rice, pasta etc) and of course refined sugar since May. 

The thrush diet is no mushrooms quorn dairy sugar so I would have nothing left to eat!! 

I basically am only eating protein dairy and fat just now and creamy mushrooms!!

I wish I wasn't so easily influenced by all the sensible sounding ways of eating.  

I've lost a stone which is great and my blood sugars are steadily lowering and remaining in the diabetic safe zone most of the time  (except for times of mega stress). I've reduced my medication back to two tablets a day. Sometimes only one if I forget!

It's been hard but I've kept at it. I'm still feeling tired but definitely not as much. Still getting mood swings but not nearly as bad. 

I feel obsessed with food again, a place I hate being in. Some days I get so overwhelmed with the thought of what to eat, how many carbs are in things, how many have I had, what's the weight of this, what's the percentage of that and the whole cooking thing that I end up not eating or eating late or just having Greek yoghurt and raspberries. As you all know numbers are not my strong point. 

My sister has gone all gung-ho with the low carb practically no carb diet after finding a knowledgeable woman called Mary Kemp who says diabetes can be reversed with a proper diet and she's finding it so easy and lost loads of weight and keeps her blood sugars in check really well. She can't understand why I'm not finding it as easy as her. She's not very tolerant of weakness. She was only pre diabetic and not on meds so is closer to maintaining than I am. 

Basically I'm not feeling great about the whole food and health thing again. And now this thrush protocol. 

I'm too scared to talk to my doc because NHS guidelines recommend at least 3 times the amount of carbs and say bread rice pasta etc is all ok as long as brown or wholewheat or whatever. And the diabetic nurse already said u was making things complicated and the group diabetes session basically recommends eating things that are 5g or less. 

No carb totally makes sense and I'm doing it its just that I think I'm blocked mentally somehow or worried I'm making things worse or something. Something is not allowing me to just get on. 

Sorry for ramble. 

Meltdowns - had quite a lot of 'I hate you' from 8yr old

Losing the plot - beyond exasperated 

Breastfeeding - yes. Still. 

Beautifully Awesome Monster

It's that time of night when I sit all alone for longer than a nanosecond.  Hubby gets older two to bed where he often falls asleep till later, and I watch a really cool film or programme. 

Invariably there are characters interacting as mother-daughter or father-daughter or a character that's had a father or a mother. 

It either makes me feel like the worst mum in the world or the best. I think well at least I'm not as bad as *that* mum or OMG I need to be more like her.  Or I think, I wonder what kind of mother HE had to end up like THAT!! She was either awesome or a monster. 

It's also how I sometimes feel when on FB and in real life. 

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking how much therapy is going to cost for my kids when they are older or maybe I should just do it now, group therapy. Maybe that'd do it. Sort us out. Stop the fighting. The resentment. The shouting. The slavery feeling. The dealing with the oftentimes overwhelming high emotions that encompass my day. Of a toddler. Of a 7yr old and of a 9yr old and of a 42yr old. Lots of emotions and feelings. The relentlessness of it all!!!

And then half way through the film, Millie wakes up and if I don't fall asleep, I manage to finish the film and I then spend the rest of the night thinking how I'm going to be a better mum tomorrow.

Meltdown - spending all day navigating around them and through them and over them

Losing the Plot - I think it's lost forever 

Breastfeeding - it had decreased to a manageable level but then illness struck and weeeeeeee up its gone!!

 

🎵That old devil called......🎵

Ok I think we need to formulate a care plan. 

Yes yes let's do that but I'm not leaving Millie if she is upset

Well, I think you need to be the leader here. Look at all the other kids settled in.  You may need to use a bit of tough love. 

Ok. I'm not using any type of tough love, I parent a totally different way so I'm not using the other kids as a measure.  I'm not prepared to leave her if she isn't ready as it will cause more problems in long term. 

Millie, come and have ten seconds milk and then I'm going to go and walk the dog. Ok?

....milk...ok mummy you can go now. Bye.

She is always ok for me to leave if it's on her terms. I won't leave unless she is ok with it.

The pressure to abandon is immense.

It's when she says 'I wasn't ready for you to leave yet mummy' when I come back. 💔

I know some will think the use of the word abandon is ott....

I don't really think its abandonment btw, I know the staff are lovely. I know I'm not actually leaving her in a box on the street corner. It's Millie who feels it though, it's Millie that needs to get used to it and it's me that cops it! No coincidence her behaviour at home is radically different now to at nursery. And believe it or not I am not self sabotaging or projecting or unconsciously seeping my thoughts into her brain and manipulating her brain in some way. Oh would that I could!! 

I actually would quite like a couple of hours. 

But I have to admit that there gets a point where the effort to preserve Millie's future esteem can become...what's the word?....

The upping of connection need is intense. 

Meltdowns - aaalll over the place from everyone must be changing seasons

Losing the Plot - made conscious effort to remain calm and not annoyed this evening. It worked well. Connection repaired. 

Breastfeeding - milks sleeping. Resting. Having a break. Broken. Ok just ten seconds. What else will make you feel as much comfort and connection? Seriously you can't think of anything???

There would have been a perfect moment

There would have been a picture tonight of us in the succah but we forgot.  It would have looked like a really cool family picture. You would have looked at it and maybe thought wow don't they all look like a great happy together family. 

It would have been fake though.

It wouldn't have shown Ellie in a bad mood with me for first sitting on her seat , then at me for not being specific enough about which bowl wasn't hers and making her think it was about a fork, even though she didn't have a fork. It wouldn't have shown Millie upset at not sitting close enough to daddy. It wouldn't have shown Maia not there as she didn't eat much then left to watch tv and me becoming more and more upset at the lack of cohesiveness and quality family time and the constant bickering, fighting and tv watching. 

(Also it's a Yom Tov 😉)

                ————————

Sukkot - Harvest Festival, a Hebrew word meaning "booths" or "huts," refers to the Jewish festival of giving thanks for the fall harvest.  It also commemorates the 40 years of Jewish wandering in the desert after the giving of the Torah atop Mt. Sinai. Sukkot is celebrated five days after Yom Kippur on the 15th of the month of Tishrei, and is marked by several distinct traditions. One, which takes the commandment to dwell in booths literally, is to erect a sukkah, a small, temporary booth or hut. Sukkot (in this case, the plural of sukkah) are commonly used during the seven-day festival for eating, entertaining and even for sleeping.

Barry built his first Succah this year. It should be covered with leaves and decorated with hanging fruit and decorations. We are supposed to eat our meals in here and sleep if possible for 8 days  (it's not possible!).

Meltdowns - really weird nonsensical ones at the moment

Losing the Plot - getting out of hand again

Breastfeeding - still happening. I'm usually ok with it. There needs to be cutbacks now. 

Hubby tells the story with adlib in brackets from me

I was really pleased with the house today, tidied up inside and it looked really nice.  (Grandma and her big sister were coming over). Miri lit the Rayburn last night after yesterday's problems and it was nicely warm, though we commented that it didn't seem as hot. (How foolish we were to think positively about it and decide the blockage must have cleared and it was running better)

About 7pm Miri was in the bath (a skanky left over kids hair washing night type bath, it was warm. It did the job) and I was in the kitchen making dinner for the girls, and I noticed some steam coming out the boiler door cover of the Rayburn.  Then there seemed to be more, and I could smell oil.  I opened the door and saw water coming down, and the more and more came.  The Rayburn was no longer lit and water was now pouring out below the burner.

The kids were watching and I panicked them by chasing them out of the kitchen as I was worried some boiling water might squirt out. (I heard a kerfuffle and pretended not to) Then I turned off the water pump and opened all the cold taps to empty the tank, as the stopcock to the Rayburn is jammed. (At this point I was shouted out the bath by panicked voices, I am naked)

The tank is big and lots of water kept coming.  We were putting down all of our towels to catch it.  (I am still naked) Miri noticed the back hall was flooded and lifted the linoleum. (Still naked but all less panicked) We weren't sure where it was coming from.

Eventually (after an hours naked towelling) the water slowed to a trickle as the tank emptied and finally stopped. (I got dressed)(I then start sweeping the water out the back hall, which brilliantly is made of concrete. Old Farms!! Yay!!!)

Meanwhile I'd called the emergency plumber, who didn't want to come out tonight. It was 10pm by the time the water stopped. (Meanwhile I make hubby call our emergency cover as it's still slowly leaking out the Rayburn and the floor) (Meanwhile I am still towelling the and gathering towels and squeezing towels and loving towels and thanking the G-ds I have SO many damn towels)

Then a different emergency plumber phoned Miri and said he would be with us in 10 minutes.  (Maybe he'd heard about the nakedness??!)

He fitted a stopcock on the pipe leading to the cold water inlet to the Rayburn and cylinder.  That meant we could turn the cold water back on but none would go to the Rayburn or the cylinder.

Then Miri realised we'd need hot water and so the plumber stopped off the pipe leading from the cylinder to the Rayburn, but so that the cylinder would still fill. (I then cheekily asked him to look at our leaking toilet and he said it needed a new syphon and basically the cistern was gubbed when put in, not impressed. Only put in two weeks ago)

All seemed great until we noticed the back hall was flooded again.  My diagnosis is that water is running back from top of the cylinder down the hot flow from the Rayburn to the cylinder.  This would normally flow the other way. (Whilst he was diagnosing, I was yet again towelling and brushing water out the back hall into the byre. I was dressed this time)

(The upshot of the following picture means we have water just no hot water and no Rayburn 😭)

Meltdowns - mostly mine

Losing the plot - big time when Ellie punched the newly recovered punch bag into Millie's face which made her fall off her chair and land on the concrete byre floor. 

Breastfeeding - I'm beginning to wonder if it will make me feel better 😳