If music be the food of love

Music was a big part of my life before kids.  Listening to on repeat, dancing to on repeat, singing to on repeat!!! I always had a song that defined my huge feelings of the time. I'd like to get my music groove back. Without the hands covering my mouth if I dare to sing loudly or the kid pulling at me to stop dancing!!

Sheryl Crow was the soundtrack to my life at a time when I was in transition. About twenty years ago some life devastating thing happened...I can't remember exactly when it was so it could have been one of these..Split from long term boyfriend....dad died......no job...terrible time with housemates.....finished uni, no where to live, nowhere to be or probably a combination of all of that. I stayed with a friend. She was amazing. She had two kids Summer and another with a great name. She was lovely and kind and took me in when I needed refuge. She was from Jersey or Guernsey. I can't believe I can't remember her name or how long I stayed. Maybe it was only a week. Maybe longer. Where did we met? Maybe she was on my course. I can't remember details. Only feelings. (I'm now going to find old diaries and phonebooks to see if I have her name and old address!)

I remember I was being utterly depressed and incapable of anything much and I remember listening to the songs from Sheryl Crow album over and over and over and over and over and over.  I was probably a nightmare person to live with and she probably got rid of me quick smart but all I remember was a hippy vibe of love and acceptance. 

🎵"No-one said it would be easy. No-one said it would be this hard. No one said it would be easy

No one thought we'd come this far"🎵

I remember thinking the song was written for me right now, predominantly about the split.  Now, as I listen to it for the first time in ages I think it's relevant right now for being the mother of a toddler and other kids. Lots of kids. So many kids. (Ellie's favourite song at the moment is Little Girls from Annie.) Mainly it's the toddler though. We are fighting. She is angry with me. She is hitting me. She is annoyed with me. She says the word in such a brilliant way... I am AnnOYed at you...and she really is. I'm guessing it's the milk reduction for sake of sanity that I have recently implemented. It could be other things too. Could be the wrong spoon. Or could be the singing. It's toddlerness. 

I've had a friend here and hubby took Friday off, so I've spent a majority of my time being busy and making every possible effort NOT to deal with Millie because we are fighting too much at the moment. I've needed a sanity break. I so needed it and I'm so relieved my friend and hubby were able to provide it. 

Whilst I was listening to the album, Millie came in ready for bed.  I have not seen her much these past few days and I desperately knew we needed to reconnect. 

🎵"All I wanna do Is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one 

All I wanna do is have some fun"🎵

I really do. I want that person back. I used to be such a fun person to be around. I'll make up for it right now I thought. Glow in the dark make up and one freaked out toddler later I'm having second thoughts about this fun mum moment. Now she's whining I want to go to bed and I'm trying to find fun to remind myself I used to be interesting. It's a losing battle. 

Milk wins. She's tired. My timing sucks as ever. 

As we connect on a cellular boob level I ask for her to look at me. Look in my eyes Millie. 

I love you I tell her as she drifts into breastfeeding bliss. 

🎵"But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly you won't give up on me

And I shall believe

And I shall believe"🎵

I have to believe it will all work out beautifully.
It has to. 

Meltdowns - too many to mention 

Losing the plot - too embarrassed to mention

Breastfeeding - too much too much Dear Lord it's too much 

*Edit: Since starting writing this and finishing it a few hours later, I've remembered her name was Deborah. 

It'snot fun

Just when I thought my days of crawling through germ infested smelly tunnels and climbing up manky pain inducing rope ladders was over, the soft play strikes again. 

This time with all three of my girls now able to enjoy the mahassoove gross space of snot and lingering urine I find myself being pulled in three different directions. 

In my head it seemed like a perfect plan, Maia had been invited to the party, so Ellie, Millie and I would hang out in the baby area, right next to the main bit and I wouldn't need to move much because Millie would follow Ellie and it would be small and baby easy and Ellie could go to the main bit and everyone could see each other. Except, it wasn't.  It had been refurbished and maxed out. The baby area was now the furthest possible place away from the main bit and was huge. It wasn't fair to let Millie be dragged round by Ellie and besides I was *needed* to go with. Look. Look. Look at this mummy. Look. Look. Look at me mummy!! Millie meanwhile was in plastic ball licking heaven and I gave up trying to stop that, hoping my breast milk would provide enough immunity. 

Then Maia wanted me to be with her in the main bit, so we all traipsed over there     but its impossible to keep up with the girls whilst also following at Millie's pace on her ball licking expedition. Ellie kept getting upset because she would zoom off, expect me to follow her then eventually come back and accuse me of leaving her behind???!

Then it was party room time but as Ellie wasn't the invited one, I had to leave Maia there and take a sobbing Ellie away. A few mins later, Maia turned up beside us because she did not want to stay in the room without me. So, it was another family trip in the main bit this time 'helping' Millie to go the same places with a ball in each hand!  

We are heading for the tramampolines. Ellie had excitedly said before we went, that she wanted to go there with Millie. Unfortunately in her excitement, on her way up a slope, she whacked a wee girl in the face. She then refused to even acknowledge she had done anything and did her annoying pretending to hurt herself thing as if that would negate what she had done. I was really upset that she seemed oblivious to the other girls upset which made Ellie upset and basically it all went pear shaped from then on. By the time we made it to the tramampolines, Ellie refused to go on them saying she never wanted to in the first place and sat crying. Wow that girl confuses me and makes situations WAY more difficult than they need to be. She eventually calmed down and wanted to show me something elsewhere and I decided to go along with it and try and bring us back on track. The higher and higher we were climbing, the hotter and hotter it was becoming. I could see far down below all the other mums and dads sitting chatting, drinking pina coladas (not really!) and generally enjoying their alone time -  except for one dad peculiarly randomly running at top speed every few mins towards the play area?? This was not enjoyable. I needed to get down. I needed to find my happy place.  This time I was smart enough not to take the sore bum slides!! 

It really was the most stressful time in a fun place I have had in a long time. 

I think I'll wait till Millie is old enough to follow the girls by herself. I miss being able to sit. Or else, hubby can take them next time. 

I swear to you though,  if I see any sign of snot I am suing! Mind you it's probably my girls spreading this time since they've both been spiking fevers the last few days!! Oops. My bad.

Meltdowns - several
Losing the plot - just my mind
Breastfeeding - had better do what it says on the tin