Space between the moments

Space between the moments.

That's what I dread.   Those moments when I'm not busy being busy or when I'm not needed for anything.  That's when the fragmented moments of time have a chance to settle in my mind.  The unsettling ones that remind me of the shock and disbelief of that night. The ones that take me straight to that shattering sinking moment when all hope had gone.

We've been away for 3 nights. A Camping Wedding!! We weren't sure if it was a good idea to go or not. It was a long journey, we were both still in shock and it seemed like a huge effort but I was so looking forward to seeing my friend get married after all her adversity.  I also knew it would be such a fun and lovely wedding and it would do us good to be living communally amongst friends. The tent was already set up for us, which was a huge load off. We also, thankfully had real beds not mats on the ground. There were 4 or 5 other families, loads of kids and some of the couples family.

The couple are the most laid back, beautiful, wonderful, fun family ever. The whole wedding was just super.  And, it was entirely a field!! It was so hard to leave. I don't want to return to real life.

It was really satisfying watching the kids all playing out in nature (despite the occasional upset).  It was also just great having my friends around me. Friends who knew, that even though I was loudly and enthusiastically introducing myself to others (but not fully present during chatty times)and even though I was busily organising various things (but not wanting to deal with kid conflict issues or not handling it when things went slightly awry) and even though I was dancing like a whirling dervish at the evening party (knowing it would set off my bleeding again but not caring because..dancing), they knew, that there was still that space between the moments.

Camp this year 2015

I'm cold and I wanna be at camp. I'm hungry and I wanna be at camp. I'm tired and I wanna be at camp. I'm watching TV and I wanna be at camp. I wanna be at camp with my friends. I wanna be at camp and be wandering through the woods in the dark to see who might be awake. I wanna be at camp listening to conversations and laughing louder and longer than I've ever laughed before. I wanna be at camp talking to people who listen, singing with people who don't care when I'm out of tune, dancing with the trees, playing with the wind, covered in muck and smelling of woodsmoke. I wanna be at camp.

I wish we lived in the woods and ran about and slept in tents but we don't so you have to brush your hair

Meltdowns - not in the woods
Losing the Plot - hardly at all among friends
Breastfeeding - round the fire

It's not me

It's not me. It's not me. It's not me. It's not me. It's not me!!

It's the society we live in. It's this insular mainstream, disconnect as soon as possible from your children, messed up yet still doesn't see the damage it's doing to each generation society. IT'S NOT ME!

Camp. Was. Amazing.

Ellie relaxing round fire

It couldn't have come at a more crucial time.  This last year and a bit has been a bit of a mental physical emotional metaphysical biological monetary(al) astronomical mindfuck. Adjusting and growing into life with another needboid  wonderfully gorgeous exceptionally super, new person and with all the financial stress has been.....weeeelll you all know how's it's been!!  We've been living off fish fingers, porridge and mayhem!!!

Anyway, we went to a La Leche League Family camp this year. It was a camp for families who all parent in a similar way. A camp for people who believe in breastfeeding past the meagre 4-6month norm. People who cosleep and are familiar with gentle discipline and loving guidance. Who had no difficulties in sharing their time, love and energy with my three girls and who were happy to connect, communicate, and love my girls exactly as they are. To hold them on their knees, walk with them through the woods, play any manner of crazy games at any given moment. Didn't care that their faces were dirty, that their hair was full of the outdoors, that their clothes stank of smoke - oh. No. Wait a minute, they weren't really wearing clothes half the time. And that didn't matter either!!  It was just completely brilliant. My girls used the words 'my friends' and I felt happy inside knowing that they were experiencing that real meaning. 

There was a fire on the go 24/7 to warm cook, dry, and laugh around. There was someone to talk to whenever you wanted or there were secluded enclaves if you needed some space. There was camp fire singing, silly games, abominable jokes, confusing riddles, arts and crafts, organised outings and a loving vibe from each and every person. Teens interacted with Tweens and babies as smoothly and effortlessly as Tweens with adults and adults with teens. Everyone was involved in the welfare of everyone and it was all so beautiful to watch.  We were so welcomed as newcomers. At times, It was beyond my capacity to actually believe it was really happening!! I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I worried a lot less and  practically *never* lost the plot!! It's only me a tiny bit in this environment.

Even little Millster was left to explore her environment without helicopter hovering freaking out judgy people. She was watched with a gentle eye and a loving hand if needed. She was carried by children of all ages to where she needed to be, usually brought back to me but not always!  There wasn't an eyelid batted or a sharp intake of breathe (well maybe once or twice!!) as she toddled about the camp, moved around the fire and wandered about the woods.

I may be idealising it a bit but seriously it was pretty great. My kids needed the full on non stop nurturing and I needed the space and acceptance. I felt so much relief to hear people being positive about our girls instead of feeling paranoid and fear over their behaviour and appearance and exuberance. 

I have to admit, I was nostalgically whisked back to my camping days as a kid in Habonim Dror, the popular Jewish (Socialist) Youth movement in my day. So many similarities but the one massive difference which I think is really the crux of the matter, it didn't include my own parents.  It was a camp of like minded folks in its way, similar gentle values but without the boob philosophy!! Yet my own folks weren't there to experience and connect and build our familial relationship, year after year. 

I am completely fascinated and excited that this camp has been running for over 14 years. That these kids have come back, year after year *with* their parents and effectively simulated tribal living for that brief moment of their lives. What an amazing opportunity these families have had and still have. I kept imagining their next generation of babies being breastfed and held and gently guided through those woods and through their lives.

I so want this where I live and I so totally want to see our fledgling NIN camping trips evolving and growing year after year in this way. It's given me some great ideas and I now have this whole fantasy and vision of our NIN camps turning out similarly!!! Maybe...

Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm stuck in a fantasy. Maybe I'm too old and stuck in my ways for it to EVER really work but that ethos of sharing and community and helping and understanding and communicating and connecting and supporting is something I am always searching for and always seems just. out. of. my. reach. 

So, if I can have it regularly from now on, for about one month of my life, this could be the turning point I've been looking for. 

In the Happy Valley there *ARE* 
 b( . )( . )bs but no rules. 

Well just that small one about burning sticks!!!

Meltdowns - mainly due to extreme tiredness from being non stop on the go in the woods

Losing the plot - I actually don't think so. May need hubby verification. 

Breastfeeding - you better believe it!!

Naked children

For kids that spend 90% of their time naked,  I think they've packed a sizeable amount for 10days camping in the woods!!

Summer update

I haven't had a chance to post much as we are trying to keep as busy as possible. Last week we had Maia's 5th bday party and a trip to see the octonauts at the sea life centre and some den building in the woods and a few NIN trips. 

We also just came home from a weekend Nurture in Nature camping trip which was just perfect. The sun shone, the pond invited, the woods shaded, the tent didn't leak. All in all it was super!! Communal living round a fire is just my idea of perfection. The sun helped of course. 

Ellie found her niche in the pond and was there 3-4 times a day. Maia enjoyed her independence and being able to come and go as she pleased and not have to traipse along with me all the time and Millie had an absolute ball travelling from tent to tent interacting with everyone. So much so that she has tried the same at home out the front going from door to door but to no avail!! Everyone was busy to the max and even Rileydog was comatose by mid afternoon with so much exercise! 

Myself, I just loved the freedom and the open air and having people around all the time. I am really lonely and sad without it and I think the neighbours washing is not enjoying my fire burning l, which I had wanted to continue. I love building and sustaining a fire and a good pokie stick is a must. Maybe next year I won't burn so many potatoes though!!

We are hoping to go camping as a family for a longer time in August but need to find someone to look after Rileydog. If you want to help us go camping and give me a proper break, you can donate here: http://www.gofundme.com/3lxpv0 

Thank you in advance and my stressed out plot losing self thanks you too!

Meltdowns - not in nature 

Losing the plot - so many places to go to calm down if needed

Breastfeeding - by the fire, by the pond, in the tent, in the woods, under the night sky, all over nature!!