If music be the food of love

Music was a big part of my life before kids.  Listening to on repeat, dancing to on repeat, singing to on repeat!!! I always had a song that defined my huge feelings of the time. I'd like to get my music groove back. Without the hands covering my mouth if I dare to sing loudly or the kid pulling at me to stop dancing!!

Sheryl Crow was the soundtrack to my life at a time when I was in transition. About twenty years ago some life devastating thing happened...I can't remember exactly when it was so it could have been one of these..Split from long term boyfriend....dad died......no job...terrible time with housemates.....finished uni, no where to live, nowhere to be or probably a combination of all of that. I stayed with a friend. She was amazing. She had two kids Summer and another with a great name. She was lovely and kind and took me in when I needed refuge. She was from Jersey or Guernsey. I can't believe I can't remember her name or how long I stayed. Maybe it was only a week. Maybe longer. Where did we met? Maybe she was on my course. I can't remember details. Only feelings. (I'm now going to find old diaries and phonebooks to see if I have her name and old address!)

I remember I was being utterly depressed and incapable of anything much and I remember listening to the songs from Sheryl Crow album over and over and over and over and over and over.  I was probably a nightmare person to live with and she probably got rid of me quick smart but all I remember was a hippy vibe of love and acceptance. 

🎵"No-one said it would be easy. No-one said it would be this hard. No one said it would be easy

No one thought we'd come this far"🎵

I remember thinking the song was written for me right now, predominantly about the split.  Now, as I listen to it for the first time in ages I think it's relevant right now for being the mother of a toddler and other kids. Lots of kids. So many kids. (Ellie's favourite song at the moment is Little Girls from Annie.) Mainly it's the toddler though. We are fighting. She is angry with me. She is hitting me. She is annoyed with me. She says the word in such a brilliant way... I am AnnOYed at you...and she really is. I'm guessing it's the milk reduction for sake of sanity that I have recently implemented. It could be other things too. Could be the wrong spoon. Or could be the singing. It's toddlerness. 

I've had a friend here and hubby took Friday off, so I've spent a majority of my time being busy and making every possible effort NOT to deal with Millie because we are fighting too much at the moment. I've needed a sanity break. I so needed it and I'm so relieved my friend and hubby were able to provide it. 

Whilst I was listening to the album, Millie came in ready for bed.  I have not seen her much these past few days and I desperately knew we needed to reconnect. 

🎵"All I wanna do Is have some fun

I got a feeling I'm not the only one 

All I wanna do is have some fun"🎵

I really do. I want that person back. I used to be such a fun person to be around. I'll make up for it right now I thought. Glow in the dark make up and one freaked out toddler later I'm having second thoughts about this fun mum moment. Now she's whining I want to go to bed and I'm trying to find fun to remind myself I used to be interesting. It's a losing battle. 

Milk wins. She's tired. My timing sucks as ever. 

As we connect on a cellular boob level I ask for her to look at me. Look in my eyes Millie. 

I love you I tell her as she drifts into breastfeeding bliss. 

🎵"But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly you won't give up on me

And I shall believe

And I shall believe"🎵

I have to believe it will all work out beautifully.
It has to. 

Meltdowns - too many to mention 

Losing the plot - too embarrassed to mention

Breastfeeding - too much too much Dear Lord it's too much 

*Edit: Since starting writing this and finishing it a few hours later, I've remembered her name was Deborah. 

Is it really all down to just being lovely?

You know, I don't know what i am doing half the time.  Being a grown up is really hard.  Being a grown up with kids is waaay of my scale off knowledge and often it feels, my capabilities.  But tonight I managed.

It started off as "ok, Maia you choose two poems, Ellie chooses two poems, a book each and a song, then its bedtime"  I've started feeling like I need to specify how the evening is going to pan out, if not for their sakes, since I know they won't remember exactly what I said or do it in that order, it was really said out loud for my benefit so I know my limit.  The problem is most nights the girls have a different limit which is definitely way more than mine at 8pm on a Friday night.  

This quickly changes into Ellie reading one of the books she has chosen. I always forget she can do this and is something that every time it happens I am in awe and wonder..ok maybe not every time but I still think its pretty great that she can now give me a break and entertain herself and Maia in one stone, erm....I mean that she gets and gives such pleasure with her reading abilities.  Oh hell its great that she is reading at all instead of watching Scooby fucking Doo.

Then it was Maia's turn, she picked her book.  There was a slight altercation about who was reading the chosen book but it was sorted quickly and essentially all three of us read.

I stuck to my guns on the number of books, and we moved onto the poems.  Maia had hers already chosen.  I know realise she had it chosen right at the start, but when Ellie started reading, I let that be the starting point instead.  Thankfully Maia had been ok with Ellie reading first.  She knew the poem she chose would be read out.

So we had our two poems, which actually turned into way more, because Maia's favourite was done with her name and then with Ellie's name inserted as well as the original. Ellie read her favourite one to us.   I also chose one and whilst I thought Ellie had wangled another one, I had said two each.  Anyway,  I was getting tired by this point and  had decided it would be gentler to go with the flow than try and stick to my feeble plan!

Then we had Ellie's outstanding rendition of Baby Mine, relieved only by the fact that she missed out a few verses the second time round.  I'll ask a few people, husband included if it would be mean to post her version.

Then it was my turn to sing (not recorded thank you very much), then it was sleep.  And if they go to bed happy without any major plot losings from me, than I am happy.  The fact that it was before 9pm made me even happier.

Meltdowns - minimal

Losing the Plot - depends on your definition -  does this count? 

Breastfeeding - reminders now that milk is gone but will be back

Default Shouty Mama

I just feel that if I am 'human' that is, as in how my continuum was...shouting, coercive, bribing, mean, cheeky, huffy, stompy, uncalm, authoritarian, sarky, narky, impatient, uncoping etc. would not be in it.  All the things I am when I don't CHECK myself scare me. It is becoming more and more normal to NOT be this way but it is still a struggle at times and I have to work HARD not to react and be this way. Then I remember all the stuff I have read and think 'oh bugger, I am fucking the kids up again!'

I am not a default calm and serene and sweet and wonderful and joyful type mother my default is not a pretty sight and I know it makes things harder and horribler in the long run to be like this, so I arm myself with all this knowledge and information hoping it will sink in and make me STOP and think...'there is a better way of handling this, I know there is others have paved the way and shown me it can be done.  Diets have changed, people are more aware of healthier, exercise etc people know things now....I know these things now, I don't want to ignore them.  I am fearful of what might happen if I ignore them.  It makes sense to me, of course the loving, gentle and joyful approach is going to create a connective and joyful and loving relationship and the other way...well I believe the articles I read, I've seen the results and I just don't think in the long run that it works.

This kind of parenting is not easy for me  because I have not had the experience of it in my life before, it is not what we as a society are used to and the more I read the more I learn and realise how much I need to change

Meltdowns - help move things forward

Losing the Plot - help clear the air

Breastfeeding - helps with the other two