How could I be so insensitive and selfish and greedy and self-absorbed and stupid and crazy and delusional and ungrateful?
I sometimes feel people are thinking these thing's or variations of these when they see me with three kids already but wanting another baby. All part of sentences some people say and things I have heard. Insensitive to those who can't, should be grateful for what I have, selfish for wanting to add to population, crazy for wanting another. I feel guilty for wanting and terrible for obsessing, I feel desperate and scared, I feel useless and over needed, I feel aimless and stuck. I'm overwhelmed with all of it and it's constantly changing. I feel all over wrong for everything.
Now what?
I have this massive almost sometimes debilitating fear that people I dont know very well, but see almost daily (so IRL...in real life) don't like me and that I have done something to upset them and then I have this GREAT urge to talk to the person, apologise for anything I have ever said or done or thought incase I did, say or think something that might have upset them. It's a vibe I get....you know you can just tell....stink eye.
Then I go through phases of thinking fuck it who cares. It's their issue with whatever I was saying. Transference, it's about something else. We all live differently. I've got nothing to apologise for...it's me not them.
Then I don't want to be thought of as someone who hurts other people's feelings. I don't like it when it happens to me.
Why do I have this need for people I hardly know to like me? I'm already stressing about the people I do know and wether I've upset them in any way...I don't need it with strangers!!!!
I think I'm basically top of the needy chain..but I'm not sure what I need. It's not a comfortable place to be.
I don't want my kids growing up feeling like they need to apologise for themselves all the time. Like they might have done something wrong for having a different way of looking at life. I want them to feel freer and happier with who they are and be around people who are kind and understanding. I want them to feel confident and happy with who they are but not in a mean way.
I try to be that for them but I know they are learning meanness from me because some days it's not easy and some days I am mean to them. Hopefully they are also learning how to apologise and know when to.
I tell my kids that consistently grown up mean people sometimes didn't have enough love around them growing up and probably just need a hug from their mummy or daddy. People who are sometimes mean are maybe having a hard time at home or they are tired or hungry. I try to help them understand it from their side and hopefully that's helping them not feel it's their fault all the time. Sometimes it is....believe me sometimes it is their bloody inconsiderate unhelpful ungrateful fault!!!
Sometimes I say they weren't breastfed as a baby..you know, cos I like being controversial... 😜
Love the crazy mean people. I'm one of them sometimes. Love me. Love me. Love me. Like me? Ok just be civil to me at the very least. It must be exhausting giving me your negative vibes all the time.
