They made me do it I didn't wanna do it

daddy's always a soft touch!

I'd managed to skilfully distract and persuade the girls for weeks now not to do the thing they wanted to do. I just wasn't sure about it. I didn't know if I could face another 'talking to' if it all went horribly skewiff. I wasn't sure it was legal and I didn't know if I would be able to hang back enough without looking neglectful or go completely the other way and take over. I wasn't sure *I* was strong enough to hold their disappointment if it didn't go to their idea in their head of how it was going to pan out. You know that particularly difficult one. Expectations. Also, it hadn't stopped snowing and raining for weeks and I couldn't face being outside in the freezing for hours not moving and more to the point, with a child (or 3) getting cold and upset and whiney and illogical and unreasonable.

A while back the girls collected up their toys they didn't want, to sell. They went round the street together (without me!!) No-one in the street wanted to buy them but somehow they ended up collecting for charity instead. I had promised them we would go to the park one weekend and 'do a stall'. Today was the day I finally couldn't think of a reasonable and plausible way to say 'another day'. I tried. Believe me I tried. I was resistant. I suggested it wasn't the right time, that the ground would be cold, that someone was coming over (they didn't in end), that I was tired, that we were only walking the dog. Hubby wasn't keen either. He just wanted to walk dog, get home and relax.

The girls were not for turning, I could feel it. Or maybe I was less resistant than normal because Hubby is home (Easter Monday) so the potential for disaster is immediately reduced. Somewhat.

So, I stopped. Looked at the sun, which has been missing for months decided to be an optimist for a change and thought "ok this could work"

Touting for business

I knew it would be a fabulous learning experience for them but I was scared it would be for all the wrong reasons. Turns out it was the usual mix of the fabulous, tinged with disappointment and a bit of a dampener from mummy as so often is the case in our day! AND no meltdowns! A day without a meltdown is like a day with LOTS of chocolate and massages. Oooh massage mmmmmm. Sorry I digressed again!

We started by going in to the wrong car park. I knew it would be busy but I'm so used to going to parks during the quieter times, I had underestimated how many people go to the park on a big holiday. The car park was full. Then we spotted the carnival rides. (I didn't grump this time, it was a bank holiday after all.) There were masses of people (well masses for a wee park in Glasgow!) and I panicked. I could sense disaster. I anticipated stress. Hubby was grumbling next to me.

For our purposes it would have all been ideal but like I said I just wasn't convinced yet it was a good idea. I suggested another park which went down seemingly ok with the girls. I realise in hindsight, that they didn't correlate busy with good trading so were reasonably amiable to the change of plan. I did though and I felt guilty for potentially taking them somewhere with nobody there. So I took a deep breath, drove to the other car park at the other end of the hubbub and rides and bells and whistles and noise and potential parkies.

Hubby took Millie in sling and walked the dog whilst we set up. Imagine my delight when I realised one of the paths had been blocked with a metal fence providing a great wee enclave. A tucked away one. Not visible from the busy end. I laid out the blanket, tipped out the bag and stood back. Then I sat down on a bench and watched. It was incredible. I was quite shocked that it was working. Ellie was in her element. Taking the talk to people. Persuading them to buy her tat.toys. I wish I could have heard half of her conversations!!

She asked everyone that passed, "do you want to come and look at my stall?" "Some of its free!" she said. "Come and look." I helped them with a few phrases of Great deals. Good bargains. Maia was also keen to start with, wasn't quite as chatty but still gave it a good go. We were in mid excitement and flow when hubby came back and wanted to go. The dog was desperate to run about but it was too busy so he'd been pulling really hard on the lead. And he was slightly pissed off, so he tried to persuade them it was time to go. Ha! Not likely they were full swing. He hung about for a bit but Millie was tired and didn't want to be not moving and not on the boob, so he walked home!! (It wasn't far)

We stayed for a couple of hours (I think). I only stepped in a few times to suggest it wasn't a good idea to hoik up her price mid sale when it looked like someone was definitely going to buy! People were mostly receptive but I had to do a bit of geeing up when they got a knock back. Some people didn't even respond which I thought was rather rude but Ellie just took it in her stride and made sure it wasn't because they couldn't see her or hear her!!!! I would like to thank each and every person who spoke to my girls and helped make their day go so well whether they bought something or not.

I could tell we were nearing an end. An end of someone's coping abilities. I just wasn't sure who's yet. Maia was tired, I was Cold and tired. She basically wanted me to take over her role. I wanted to go home. Ellie wasn't ready to leave. We stayed a bit longer. I could feel myself becoming unreasonably and illogical so I made an executive decision which was only met with slight manageable upset and we went home.

I'm so glad I changed my mind and just went for it. I'm so amazed at how brilliant the girls were at talking to 'the public' and I'm so happy that they actually made a few bob for themselves (£6.90 each). I'm slightly concerned that I imposed on them that they share the earnings even though they each had toys to sell and Ellie clearly talked the talk more than Maia but then I remember that Maia is only 4 and they're sisters and I'm actually really pleased that Ellie did quite happily share with Maia. 

Oh crappito they are SO going to want me to take them shopping tomorrow.

Meltdowns - potential was high

Losing the plot - potential was very high

Breastfeeding - potential low as mostly with daddy

Day 3 - Wardrobes, Imps and family bonding

Wake to find text from hubby sent at 3am and quickly realise he won't be worth much this morning. He better be on the ball for our workshop today!!

Since the girls were not asleep until midnight last night, they are still asleep by 9.30am. This gives me an opportunity to write. I love to write. I used to write poetry and stories. I love to dance too. And swim. And think. Having three kids close together and raising them with CC principles in mind has really taken up a lot of my available ability. Available energy, available brain capacity, available sanity, available time. My creative side has been left by the wayside so many times it has gone in a major huff with me and left. 

As I start writing, Maia wakes up pops her head over the pillow gives me a huge smile and starts talking ten to the dozen. Millie wakes screaming. Riley dog bounds in with one of Maia's toys upsetting Maia and Ellie walks in shouting at the dog. 

Good Morning!!

The Next hour is spent bubbling. Blowing. Catching. Eating. Watching cool videos of amazing bubble blowing until the inevitable spillage occurs. Twice. 

Then we had the porridge saga. I sometimes try to hide things in the porridge and cover it up with purée. Today there was no purée so the taste of the echinacea and other herbs came through too much (I may have made them stronger this time). Maia's was covered up with honey but Ellie won't eat honey if she knows it's there. So she refused hers. I tried to reheat with some more milk and a dod of honey but no luck. So I make some more. I hadn't eaten anyway so it was no bother. Maia said she wanted more too, so she got Ellie's old one. The new one also went untouched. 

There is also a small tv saga which we resolve and decide on The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I figure if I am going to be sitting with an upset feeding then sleeping Millie it might as well be a good film. 

I can feel my stress levels rise, because during that time, Millie is being upset and needing milk and poop and then falls asleep on me. I cannot move and it's important that Ellie eats because we are going out soon and we all l know what an unfed child is like. 

Hexagons au naturel

The girls find cable ties and for a while shapes and letters take over tv whilst they find out about hexagons!! 

I think it's time to wake hubby. I have great admiration for single mums. I'm sure we would muddle through and work it out eventually but I'm not sure my cortisol and insanity levels would ever survive. 

With morning over and complete without too much upsetness I send the girls up to wake daddy! Turns out he got home at 6am...hmmm. 

We realise at 1pm we need to be at workshop in half an hour!! Typical us rush rush rush. We make it just in time but it was frenetic and stressy!

It's unusual to have a family based event such as this so I was really looking forward to it. Normally activities are banded into different age groups so the girls are separated and parents do not get involved. I rarely take the girls to organised activities these days. Aside from the cost, the time and effort of toing and froing is beyond my capabilities right now. 

I want to be a tree

The workshop was really fun. Lots of warmup games of being different creatures then making people sculptures. Then we concocted a family play about fairies and tree imps based on the word 'disguise'. Barry takes the path of least resistance and is either a flag pole or a field with a green skirt!! The girls are full of enthusiasm and ideas. It's great to be in a class where 'shouting out' and flamboyant behaviour is an asset. Millie is a flag on a pirate ship at the beginning then is on my back asleep for the rest of the session. Interestingly Maia is happy with her speaking part in the family rehearsal but they swap at the last minute.  I resist my urge to control the situation and let go of my need for perfection!

Unfortunately the class is a one off. 

After the workshop I bought a picnic for the car and we then took the dog on a massive walk and find an 8-sided bandstand and now know about octagons!!

We arrive home and we are not in the door 10mins when the girls are all over me to put the tv on again. I'm feeding Millie and am basically too tired to deal with the pleading and I want to watch the rest of Narnia too!

After an hour I pause it to make dinner and the girls play. Hubby had Millie but midway thro dinner she gets too upset so we swap places and I feed Millie to sleep and hubby finishes dinner. Hubby recommends I stay upstairs and have a sleep as it is likely the girls will be up late. Don't have to ask me twice. I have a sleep with Millie! 

I wake to the sounds of spongebag *sigh*. I decide to stay upstairs. The girls think I am sleeping and hubby asks them not to come up!! They eventually realise I am awake and race upstairs excitedly to see me. 

sofa houses

They have been busy building cushion houses in the living room and I'm invited to sit in their homes and hear the heartwrenching story of how Ellie's father was run over by a bus and his favourite glasses are now on the roof of the house along with a letter to said dead father about how much she misses him. 

Meanwhile Ellie's alive father is ironing his work shirts in the kitchen and then going to bed. 

One of the problems with the one after another cartoons on Netflix is that when one finishes, you have to use the remote to pick another one. This means, as hubby finds out, that they are almost asleep on his lap but when it finishes they wake up for the next one to be put on. I have deliberately avoided children's channels on normal tv specifically because I don't like the way it plays things continuously one after another with no breaks. I think it makes them zombified. Now this is a pain the other way round too! Can't win!!

I have a feeling we won't be renewing Netflix when it runs out. Maybe the novelty will wear off soon. It's not like they don't get to watch DVDs or YouTube. 

Since Millie has settled down again, I suggest coming to watch a film with them hoping they will wind down and fall asleep on the sofa. 

Its midnight. The girls are flagging but Maia has started asking me why she has two holes and why her pee comes out of one and why a baby comes out the other. She goes off to find a mirror to illustrate her point better. 

I'm tired. 

Meltdowns - none. Family time really helps

Losing the plot - none. Family time and early evening sleep really helps

Breastfeeding - whilst walking in the park

Day 2 - So almost perfect...if it hadn't been for that pesky mummy

Someone forgot to tell Millie we could all sleep in today. The other two slept a bit longer.

Perfect opportunity to sort my blog for yesterday I thought. Someone forgot to tell Millie and Maia and Ellie that mummy wanted to do that. Not change nappies, make breakfast, talk, feed, interact. Harrumph. The unreasonableness of them!!

Gave up and sorted my family out mumbling about how other people manage to do other things.

Ellie 15months

Decided to take Millie for a swimming lesson at the local pool. I say lesson but it was more of a getting used to water, which was freezing, whilst singing those songs. You know the ones...five little boobs, wheels on boobs, happy and you boob it. So not my thing!! Millie didn't cry but she didn't smile once either. Started getting her used to back swimming which is what I used to do with Ellie. When she started to fall asleep in the water sling, I knew it was time to come out.

Thankfully and amazingly she lay happily on the changing table till I was dressed, didn't complain about getting a nappy on and fell asleep during milk!! Maybe I should take her every day. So lovely to have a happy kicking baby instead of screaming lovely one!

I love how the girls are always happy to see me even though I've only been gone an hour. I think when that stops, thats when I should worry.

Ok . It would seem we are unschoolers on the tv front today. I'm tired. It's the weekend. I wanted to play a game of golf on the wii!! Which turned into finding a free month on Netflix - oh crap. Not good for a tv addict like myself. We all watch a cool vampire kids film which I miss tons of trying to calm Millie but I bet they will watch it again and again and again and again. What is it with watching things over and over? Then we find SouthPark and I am not sure but try a little. Typically it's the one where chef leaves then comes back talking very wrong about sex.  Are they all that rude? I stop that one when I hear him ask a kid for anal :-0. We opt for RugRats All Grown Up!! What a clever idea, very cool!!

Kim the twin all grown up!

By now I am getting twitchy at the amount of screen time going on and the amount of time hubby has spent in the car installing a hands free kit he got for a tenner. I try to go upstairs to post my day one blog since Millie is sitting calmly for a change but somehow the girls notice and Ellie sneakily sends Maia up to say that Millie is crying to get me to come back down and sit with them more!!

They then find spongeboob square poop. I cant bear the thought of sitting through that and need to take Millie upstairs to feed and change her anyway. By now it's 7pm. Hubby has been out in the car since after lunch and I think enough's enough. By some amazing feat of telepathy (and the scowl I give out the door) hubby comes in. He joins me upstairs whilst I'm sorting Millie's nappy and trying to work out if we can pick up tickets on a Sunday that I forgot to get for our family drama workshop (!!!!very excited) when Ellie comes up and says she is hungry. Damn. Dinner.

I can't usually manage dinner till Barry gets home from work to take over holding Millie by which time all I want to do is flop into bed. Anyway I passive aggressive sweetly say "daddy will be down in a minute to make you something". Hubby being the super dad he is agrees!! I go downstairs and see Maia has fallen asleep on the sofa (timing. The secret of good comedy apparently).

Then, I do the unthinkable. I turn off the Netflix. Ellie comes back in and realises what I have done and freaks out. I realise she is tired and hungry as well as angry that I turned it off and I try and carry her into another room whilst suggesting she gets a book for me to read but she really loses it. Starts calling me stupid and idiot and mean and horrible.

I fun chase her up the stairs but she accidentally (I hope) kicks me on the forehead. It's unbelievably sore and I have to go downstairs to stop myself 1) crying and 2) lose the plot. I can tell she wants me to go back up and connect but also she is too annoyed with me to let me so comes down and as she is unable to work Netflix yet puts on a video instead. I tell her I am going outside on the hammock and ask if she wants to join me. She says yes but only after she has watched three more things. I leave her to it and two minutes later she has calmed down and has joined me outside where we sit and chat for half an hour whilst hubby makes dinner. I decide not to push for Ellie to join us at the table. She chooses to eat in front of the tv.

After dinner Ellie and I were about to take the dog for a walk because he hasn't been out since Thursday evening but Maia woke up and became very upset at the thought of me leaving. She is just discombobulated from waking up on the sofa and I sit with her for a bit till she has calmed down and suggest that if she finishes her dinner she can join us but she doesn't want me to go out at all. Maaaan it's never easy. I start to feel stressed at the differing needs of every living thing in the house relying on me, dog included.

We eventually make it out the door and manage a few goat and troll storytellings before midges stop play.

Normally by this time, 9.30pm, it would be the end of the night but as Maia slept earlier, she is not ready for bed. I can tell Barry is itching to get the girls to bed so he can go out and is getting antsy so I tell him just to go.

I am too tired by this point to try and even attempt bedtime and anyway I have decided not to mention 'that' word all holidays and see if the girls can self regulate. So we all settle down to watch Tarzan. I'd love to say the night ended with us all snuggled watching a film together and they fell asleep on the sofa but Millie woke up and the action of me moving and taking Millie to the toilet and for a nappy change (she was dry!!) alerted Ellie to the fact that she was lying on her own on the floor. She wanted on the sofa too, fair enough. She HAD to be beside me. Maia refused to move up so I could be in the middle. Ellie was getting upset. Millie was getting upset. It all got really stressful again, I literally felt a brain cell explode. I'm afraid I lost it :-(

Maia cried. I cried. Millie who had been happily feeding cried because she fell off during the kerfuffle. I was so pissed off with shouting as I had almost managed the whole day without losing it.  I just didn't understand why Maia wouldn't move and didn't have anything left in me to try and sort it consciously. I said if she wouldn't move I would just take Ellie up to bed (she was desperate to fall asleep next to me).  This obviously made Maia cry more at the thought of being left alone but still refused to move.  Then, for some unknown reason, possibly tiredness, I physically moved her onto the floor instead of up the sofa a bit.  She eventually calmed down and crawled back onto the sofa.

Harmony restored. Film finished. All in bed asleep by midnight.

Long live diclofenac, my pain medication

Meltdown - one spectacular one

Losing plot - one spectacular one

Breastfeeding - happily

Pooping - only a few frothy ones

Day 1 - First Day of the rest of our lives

Since Ellie refused the last day of school, the holidays started early. This was not an issue. Getting up and out the house with three kids, THAT'S an issue!!!

So first day of holidays. Well, it went way better than expected.

I could tell I wasn't going to get much done today because Millie was out of sorts so I asked Ellie to hold her whilst I prepared a monkey platter

After letting the girls know I was taking Millie upstairs to see if she would sleep, the girls pretty much kept themselves busy. Admittedly there was tv involved but there was also lots of other play. Mainly sofa moving and jumping!!

It turned out that Millie was not interested in sleeping and effectively spent the day either crying or pooping. 

I am making a conscious effort to keep Millie away from screens because I feel she is too young for them. Ellie was well over two before she started in on tv, it so much easier in those days!! With Maia it was harder because Ellie was already doing it but not as much, she lasted till about 18months. With Millie though, it's really hard. The girls know how to use the computer and work our incredibly way too many buttons tv system so they choose when and where ( unless I have a panic and feel they have been on too much then it all mysteriously stops working - hmm the rain must have affected the Internet!). I oscillate between wanting to be a no screen family to being unschoolers. It's a really difficult one for me. 

Anyway I took myself and Millie to the conservatory and basically spent the day in there (or the toilet with a pooping baby). 

Once I let go of the idea of being able to do anything because Millie cried whenever I put her down and was NOT interested in being in the manduca, I kind of relaxed!! It rained all day in various strengths and with the door open I was imagining I was in a tent or a caravan. It was really lovely!

The other advantage of staying in he back room was that the girls would leave the lure of the tv and spend time near me. By chance I found the train set in the garage and as it hadn't been out for a while, it was a massive hit. They proceeded to play together with it for the rest of the afternoon. 

"I never believed it. I am so excited I have never seen this train set" Maia 

Being in such close proximity meant that I was on hand to help Ellie with her impulse control and anger management. I basically had to intercept every time she became upset. Even small upsets are huge for her just now. We tried lots of counting to three and lots of breathing and even suggested a few 'sister circles'. I can see how much she struggles with controlling her anger and me being right there was really helpful for her. Not discounting the fact that it's most likely my modelling that has got her in this situation, it felt right to be 'on her case'. Eventually it all became too much for her and a suggestion of sitting on my knee and reading stories was welcomed with a whimper of relief. 

This is how hubby came home to find us. All the girls huddled on the sofa reading. 

Has to be a better sight than me huddled in the corner crying my eyes out!

Meltdowns - mostly diverted

Losing the Plot -skilfully avoided

Breastfeeding - fairly constant

Would it be too much to add a pooping tab to my blog?

for want of a tidy house the connection was lost

carelessness 

lack of consideration

lack of care

                             

seeds we should be planting to grow                             differently

by modelling not by freaking out

Meltdowns - zero altho brushing Ellie's hair wasn't a picnic
Losing the Plot - zero ok maybe once but it was itsy bitsy teeny weeny
Breastfeeding - sortin' out the milk gettin' prepared

Scary Wolf

Meltdowns - many
Losing the Plot - many
Breastfeeding - realising I don't see it very often IRL anymore!!

Stressed Some?

Its really hard to do a hypnobirthing relaxation cd with 

Ellie spinning in middle of room saying 'daddy marzipan, daddy marzipan, daddy marzipan' 

over and over.  

Its really hard but I'll still try.

its really hard for me to not be a stresshead
pretty much everything stresses me out
and makes my head spin
which makes it really hard for me to parent in a nonstressified way
in a calm manner
in a gentle manner
in a quiet manner
in a patient manner
in a kind manner
in a loving manner
in a manner that makes me feel good about myself
and makes my children feel good about themselves
Its really hard but I keep on trying

Its really hard to know if its working

It's really hard to know if I am working

It often feels like I should try harder

and so I do

Meltdowns - a few  (but not with me)
Losing the Plot - not today  (easier since they were not actually in the house!!)
Breastfeeding - not just now  (but pondering tandem)

Is it really all down to just being lovely?

You know, I don't know what i am doing half the time.  Being a grown up is really hard.  Being a grown up with kids is waaay of my scale off knowledge and often it feels, my capabilities.  But tonight I managed.

It started off as "ok, Maia you choose two poems, Ellie chooses two poems, a book each and a song, then its bedtime"  I've started feeling like I need to specify how the evening is going to pan out, if not for their sakes, since I know they won't remember exactly what I said or do it in that order, it was really said out loud for my benefit so I know my limit.  The problem is most nights the girls have a different limit which is definitely way more than mine at 8pm on a Friday night.  

This quickly changes into Ellie reading one of the books she has chosen. I always forget she can do this and is something that every time it happens I am in awe and wonder..ok maybe not every time but I still think its pretty great that she can now give me a break and entertain herself and Maia in one stone, erm....I mean that she gets and gives such pleasure with her reading abilities.  Oh hell its great that she is reading at all instead of watching Scooby fucking Doo.

Then it was Maia's turn, she picked her book.  There was a slight altercation about who was reading the chosen book but it was sorted quickly and essentially all three of us read.

I stuck to my guns on the number of books, and we moved onto the poems.  Maia had hers already chosen.  I know realise she had it chosen right at the start, but when Ellie started reading, I let that be the starting point instead.  Thankfully Maia had been ok with Ellie reading first.  She knew the poem she chose would be read out.

So we had our two poems, which actually turned into way more, because Maia's favourite was done with her name and then with Ellie's name inserted as well as the original. Ellie read her favourite one to us.   I also chose one and whilst I thought Ellie had wangled another one, I had said two each.  Anyway,  I was getting tired by this point and  had decided it would be gentler to go with the flow than try and stick to my feeble plan!

Then we had Ellie's outstanding rendition of Baby Mine, relieved only by the fact that she missed out a few verses the second time round.  I'll ask a few people, husband included if it would be mean to post her version.

Then it was my turn to sing (not recorded thank you very much), then it was sleep.  And if they go to bed happy without any major plot losings from me, than I am happy.  The fact that it was before 9pm made me even happier.

Meltdowns - minimal

Losing the Plot - depends on your definition -  does this count? 

Breastfeeding - reminders now that milk is gone but will be back

Excuse me but I was sitting there...

(post from July not published) 


We went to the west end today to drop Barry off at Maggies, he had just found out about the NHS letter outlining the reason his mums cancer was not diagnosed sooner...admin error basically, the letter did not go to the GP.  


Anyway, I must have said to Ellie we would go to a cafe before we left so after dropping Barry off, we went for a walk, I wanted to go into a few shops and she wanted to go to cafe and repeated over and over again getting more and more anxious and upset when it wasn't happening. 


When I said we were going to do that but I wanted to go into these shops first, she refused so I said ok stay out here then, she obviously didn't and we were really only in the shops for 5mins tops....when I realised it just wasn't going to work doing the shops thing first, they were hungry and desperate for going to a cafe, we turned round and went back to one we had seen. 


When we sat down, Ellie was on my right and Maia on my left, then Maia decided she wanted a high chair and so did Ellie... they were changing seats and sitting on me and basically moving about. Ellie got up to ask about the high chair and the waitress came over and we persuaded them they wouldn't fit and there wasn't enough room.  


Now,  Ellie was where Maia had been and Maia sat where Ellie had been. The waitress left and before I knew what was happing, Ellie was FREAKING out about wanting her chair back and climbing over me and sitting on the chair and pushing Maia of it...she was screeching and yelling that's my chair.   Maia was staying put but Ellie managed to push her right off and I think she got hurt, so Maia started crying and then Ellie seeing Maia being upset, upped her upsetedness with loud not exactly real crying and more screeching. 


I simply could NOT calm them down, at first I was trying to say "look you were sitting there then you moved and now you are over there, Maia is here, its not a big deal"... I guess that was my first mistake eh? Saying it was no big deal!! 


Anyway, I could not do any thing, my brain froze and I felt really embarrassed and annoyed that once again we were unable to be out in public, so I basically thought we are making noise, leave the room like the Yequana...so I picked them both up and walked out....not easy obviously and Ellie wriggled free and made to go back to the seat, by this point I just wanted OUT of there, so I got a better grip and got them both out of there and round the corner where I put them both down and I leant against the wall, meanwhile Ellie is STILL yelling and shouting and getting madder and madder...when I put her down, she just would not stop screeching and crying and yelling and shouting she wanted to go back and then she started hitting me and I said part of my poem that I had written only yesterday!! 




If you try to hit me I will kiss you on the nose but she was having none of it and she kicked me instead. Maia has calmed down by now and tries to sit on my knee, thank G-d she didn't ask for milk. Whilst I tried not to freak out myself, all I could say was 'I am not going back there with you yelling and screaming and kicking and pushing and hitting me' and she was saying "I am not going to stop until we go back" but I felt that I just could not go, she was really freaking out, melt-downing and not calming down enough. Then it started to bloody rain! I did not feel able to go back to the restaurant cos she was still freaking out and bawling at me aahhh ahhh wide open anger. So I just get up and say 'right come on' and walked them back to the centre. I quickly peeked my head in to get Barry, thankfully he hadn't gone in yet because I did not want to have to go inside cos Ellie was still yelling and shouting. So he comes out and I try to explain what had gone on. Anyway we all managed to go inside the centre and be very quiet and play upstairs and afterwards we ALL went for something to eat. I just did not feel strong enough to try again without Barry. He said I did the right thing by not going back to the cafe cos she was controlling me with her demand of going back then calming down, rather than the other way round. Frankly I couldn't face going back anyway, didn't feel strong enough. 


As an aside I also felt bad that we had interrupted his grieving in that way and was hesitant to go get him but I didn't know how else to cope with it. As it turned out he was still waiting when we descended so it gave me a chance to get some space and go put money in the meter and calm down.

Meltdowns - oh boy

Losing the Plot - not so much

Breastfeeding - not so much surprisingly 

We are all Erica

Once again I find myself involved in another very upsetting and distressing separation case involving a family and their parenting practices being questioned.   This time I have known this family on-line for over a year, she is not an unknown face like Habiba, she has been 'part' of my life.  For  now and forever, the Henderson Family will be part of my life.

Erica and Jeffrey and their six children have been ripped apart and they are also an attachment parenting, home-schooling,  non-vaccinating family.  Non-vaccinators  are being vilified and this Jewish family is being persecuted in their own home by neighbours and the system.  Once again the issue here is an attack on natural attachment parenting and although this has scared and angered me, this time it is not just about those parenting styles, this about lives.  Real lives are being scrutinised and deemed wanting, .

Their SIX children have been removed and are currently placed in separate homes, separate homes which are non speaking English too.  To me *this* part is the most heartbreaking part of it all.  Not only do they have to endure the horrors of being wrenched from their parents, they have to suffer alone.

Please consider donating to this family, they have lost everything

The full details regarding the case are here but as part of the efforts being done, I made this video with thanks to Janel Mirendah for help reviewing:  

The Henderson Children Belong at Home from Miriam Berlow-Jackson on Vimeo.
The Story - The time Line

hendersonchildrenbelongathome.blogspot.com/​2011/​07/​time-line.html

created by Miriam Berlow-Jackson

Meltdowns: only one but justified

Losing the plot: my fault, am very tired

Breastfeeding: hubby had kids so could work on this so..not much!!!

catch a glimpse

Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, my dear complicated Ellie.....some days, never enough, always wants more, gets something asks for more already, ask and ask and ask. Can't stand to be touched even slightly, bats my hand away, ducks out of the way, moves away but needs to be close to me, on top of me, sitting on me. Always needs to know what we are talking about, interrupts loudly what are you talking about what are you talking about over and over and over, even if told. Needs to be heard when there are others talking, 'look look look look look look at me'. Its never enough to ask once, never enough to give her all my time for a period of time, never enough to give her my all. Freaks if I have to move off and do something else..yup never enough.  

But then every so often there is a glimpse of, a glimpse of what...an Ellie that 'other' people can handle, an Ellie that fits in to what society can handle...and very often I catch a glimpse of the Ellie that I can see her becoming and try really hard to nurture and maintain connection with...but it ain't easy, I know. some days are sucky!!

Meltdowns - surely not!

Losing the Plot - surely not!

Breastfeeding - surely not!

Share This!

Why does Maia want to learn the value and benefits and appeal of sharing by refusing to share with me?


Why does she have to pick the hard way!  Why couldn't she just want to!!!

Ok, so its really the hard way for me, since i now have to honour and respect her 'NO, I don't want to share' because if I were to now force her to share then what would that be showing her?  That sharing is something you HAVE to do, even if you don't want to.


"The child learns to hate sharing or saying "please" and "thank you", as his formative memory of doing so is that of resentment, being controlled, and being unreal. In doing something while not wanting to do it, he is learning to hate the expression of being grateful (sharing etc.) and the natural authentic development of his manners can be delayed." Naomi Aldort (not PhD)


I happily share anything I have, made a point of it when Ellie was younger and she now shares easily and with no qualms.    Ellie unfortunately also has no qualms about sharing(having some of) Maia's food which I think has made her more guarded of her goodies.  Ellie also likes to swap, which often means when that when she has half finished or accidentally dropped portions, she tries to swap with Maia's fuller portion. Perils of being the youngest.


Its no wonder Maia isn't keen on sharing just now!!


The other downside of 'making' Maia share (its almost laughable to me that people actually do this still!! MAKE your child share, I mean it sounds so ridiculous to me now!!) Anyway, the downside is, in my experience, when my kids feel they HAVE to do something, they resist and that gets us all nowhere on a big fat slide to meltdown.


Resistance is Futile!!



Meltdowns - seem to be on the up
Losing the Plot - holding their own
Breastfeeding - yup!

Default Shouty Mama

I just feel that if I am 'human' that is, as in how my continuum was...shouting, coercive, bribing, mean, cheeky, huffy, stompy, uncalm, authoritarian, sarky, narky, impatient, uncoping etc. would not be in it.  All the things I am when I don't CHECK myself scare me. It is becoming more and more normal to NOT be this way but it is still a struggle at times and I have to work HARD not to react and be this way. Then I remember all the stuff I have read and think 'oh bugger, I am fucking the kids up again!'

I am not a default calm and serene and sweet and wonderful and joyful type mother my default is not a pretty sight and I know it makes things harder and horribler in the long run to be like this, so I arm myself with all this knowledge and information hoping it will sink in and make me STOP and think...'there is a better way of handling this, I know there is others have paved the way and shown me it can be done.  Diets have changed, people are more aware of healthier, exercise etc people know things now....I know these things now, I don't want to ignore them.  I am fearful of what might happen if I ignore them.  It makes sense to me, of course the loving, gentle and joyful approach is going to create a connective and joyful and loving relationship and the other way...well I believe the articles I read, I've seen the results and I just don't think in the long run that it works.

This kind of parenting is not easy for me  because I have not had the experience of it in my life before, it is not what we as a society are used to and the more I read the more I learn and realise how much I need to change

Meltdowns - help move things forward

Losing the Plot - help clear the air

Breastfeeding - helps with the other two

Thanks to the men who do stuff with machines.

We always meet interesting people when we go to watch the planes.

Last time we met a man with a jcb and he let us have a sit inside his tractor

This time we met a man lifting skips and he let us push his levers

It warms my heart to know there are still some people out there who are not officious and over the top health and safety and can allow others to take control for their own health and safety when appropriate. People who remember what its like to be a kid and to have the opportunity to do cool things like touch a lever that makes a massive hydraulic pump lift a massive red skip onto a truck and have it loom over your head. Also people who are happy to allow me to climb onto a skip’s side with baby on back and grab a few cool things!

Our find today was a white board and some baskets

Losing Plot 2

Meltdowns 1

Breastfeeding hourly