They made me do it I didn't wanna do it

daddy's always a soft touch!

I'd managed to skilfully distract and persuade the girls for weeks now not to do the thing they wanted to do. I just wasn't sure about it. I didn't know if I could face another 'talking to' if it all went horribly skewiff. I wasn't sure it was legal and I didn't know if I would be able to hang back enough without looking neglectful or go completely the other way and take over. I wasn't sure *I* was strong enough to hold their disappointment if it didn't go to their idea in their head of how it was going to pan out. You know that particularly difficult one. Expectations. Also, it hadn't stopped snowing and raining for weeks and I couldn't face being outside in the freezing for hours not moving and more to the point, with a child (or 3) getting cold and upset and whiney and illogical and unreasonable.

A while back the girls collected up their toys they didn't want, to sell. They went round the street together (without me!!) No-one in the street wanted to buy them but somehow they ended up collecting for charity instead. I had promised them we would go to the park one weekend and 'do a stall'. Today was the day I finally couldn't think of a reasonable and plausible way to say 'another day'. I tried. Believe me I tried. I was resistant. I suggested it wasn't the right time, that the ground would be cold, that someone was coming over (they didn't in end), that I was tired, that we were only walking the dog. Hubby wasn't keen either. He just wanted to walk dog, get home and relax.

The girls were not for turning, I could feel it. Or maybe I was less resistant than normal because Hubby is home (Easter Monday) so the potential for disaster is immediately reduced. Somewhat.

So, I stopped. Looked at the sun, which has been missing for months decided to be an optimist for a change and thought "ok this could work"

Touting for business

I knew it would be a fabulous learning experience for them but I was scared it would be for all the wrong reasons. Turns out it was the usual mix of the fabulous, tinged with disappointment and a bit of a dampener from mummy as so often is the case in our day! AND no meltdowns! A day without a meltdown is like a day with LOTS of chocolate and massages. Oooh massage mmmmmm. Sorry I digressed again!

We started by going in to the wrong car park. I knew it would be busy but I'm so used to going to parks during the quieter times, I had underestimated how many people go to the park on a big holiday. The car park was full. Then we spotted the carnival rides. (I didn't grump this time, it was a bank holiday after all.) There were masses of people (well masses for a wee park in Glasgow!) and I panicked. I could sense disaster. I anticipated stress. Hubby was grumbling next to me.

For our purposes it would have all been ideal but like I said I just wasn't convinced yet it was a good idea. I suggested another park which went down seemingly ok with the girls. I realise in hindsight, that they didn't correlate busy with good trading so were reasonably amiable to the change of plan. I did though and I felt guilty for potentially taking them somewhere with nobody there. So I took a deep breath, drove to the other car park at the other end of the hubbub and rides and bells and whistles and noise and potential parkies.

Hubby took Millie in sling and walked the dog whilst we set up. Imagine my delight when I realised one of the paths had been blocked with a metal fence providing a great wee enclave. A tucked away one. Not visible from the busy end. I laid out the blanket, tipped out the bag and stood back. Then I sat down on a bench and watched. It was incredible. I was quite shocked that it was working. Ellie was in her element. Taking the talk to people. Persuading them to buy her tat.toys. I wish I could have heard half of her conversations!!

She asked everyone that passed, "do you want to come and look at my stall?" "Some of its free!" she said. "Come and look." I helped them with a few phrases of Great deals. Good bargains. Maia was also keen to start with, wasn't quite as chatty but still gave it a good go. We were in mid excitement and flow when hubby came back and wanted to go. The dog was desperate to run about but it was too busy so he'd been pulling really hard on the lead. And he was slightly pissed off, so he tried to persuade them it was time to go. Ha! Not likely they were full swing. He hung about for a bit but Millie was tired and didn't want to be not moving and not on the boob, so he walked home!! (It wasn't far)

We stayed for a couple of hours (I think). I only stepped in a few times to suggest it wasn't a good idea to hoik up her price mid sale when it looked like someone was definitely going to buy! People were mostly receptive but I had to do a bit of geeing up when they got a knock back. Some people didn't even respond which I thought was rather rude but Ellie just took it in her stride and made sure it wasn't because they couldn't see her or hear her!!!! I would like to thank each and every person who spoke to my girls and helped make their day go so well whether they bought something or not.

I could tell we were nearing an end. An end of someone's coping abilities. I just wasn't sure who's yet. Maia was tired, I was Cold and tired. She basically wanted me to take over her role. I wanted to go home. Ellie wasn't ready to leave. We stayed a bit longer. I could feel myself becoming unreasonably and illogical so I made an executive decision which was only met with slight manageable upset and we went home.

I'm so glad I changed my mind and just went for it. I'm so amazed at how brilliant the girls were at talking to 'the public' and I'm so happy that they actually made a few bob for themselves (£6.90 each). I'm slightly concerned that I imposed on them that they share the earnings even though they each had toys to sell and Ellie clearly talked the talk more than Maia but then I remember that Maia is only 4 and they're sisters and I'm actually really pleased that Ellie did quite happily share with Maia. 

Oh crappito they are SO going to want me to take them shopping tomorrow.

Meltdowns - potential was high

Losing the plot - potential was very high

Breastfeeding - potential low as mostly with daddy

You Don't Want To Know

Ok here is why,  i woke up with less than 45mins to get two girls, who between them don't want to brush their teeth. eat breakfast(that doesn't involve doughnut) or get dressed, up, dressed and having breakfast to make it to take Ellie to nursery for 9am, a task which on our other days takes me at least two hours and is not stressful and rushed and we don’t need to be out till after 10. Actually we don’t NEED to be out at all THAT is the key to it all.   I then took a child saying 'I don't want to go', to nursery where I felt compelled to say "pretend I am not here because we are doing this so you get used to me dropping you off and then coming back for you later" when really I want to say 'ok, lets go home then".  Then watch her run off without looking back and me having to stay in another room listening for signs of distress whilst trying to pick up after a two year old in a cornucopia of toys.  Then knowing I would have to rush back to catch the health visitor, who was arriving at same time as nursery finishes because I forget  to let her know we would be late, to defend my parenting, sorry to discuss my parenting and ‘bring her up to speed’.

Anyway, it turned out she was running late too so that worked out beautifully.  I decided the best thing for me to do was to be keeping busy whilst talking to her and our lunch needed making, life goes on. So whilst I was making pumpkin, carrot and lentil soup with the girls running in every few minutes to help by opening stock cubes and plopping them in, or cutting potato or putting veggies into the water, she was asking me if the girls were eating healthily.  She exclaimed that she would NEVER have let her child use a knife at that age, I pointed out that this was not the first time Ellie had used a knife  (she is not dead yet Grow Slow Sunday Herald 2008) and that since she had been attached to me since birth, and seeing me doing this very same task over and over and had progressed through plastic, butter and onto ‘proper’ knife, she was fully equipped with the knowledge and skills in order to perform these everyday necessary, being part of the family type things.  Likewise being around hot water and cookers hence the lack of ‘be careful that’s hot’ type comments that were flying out of her aghast mouth. 

Next she brought up the subject of boundaries to which I mentioned natural consequences to which she replied with the inevitable.  In fact before she even had the chance to respond with the inevitable I countered with “Its very common when looking at this kind of parenting for people to automatically go for the OMG BUT WHAT IF THEY WERE TO RUN ON THE ROAD OR PICK UP A LOADED GUN type scenario” In reality though, I am not actually going to allow my child to maim or kill themselves,  because well, BECAUSE I AM NOT A MORON.  Well I didn’t really say that.

Look I said to her in as open and calm as way as possible, I have had these children attached to me since birth, I have maintained my connection with them and still intend to maintain my connection with them for as long as I can.  They understand about the world, age appropriate,  because I have been with them and explaining to them exactly what is going on and how things happen and why since birth and frankly how can attachment possibly be a bad thing, compared to say….unparenting where the parent just sits watching TV all day NOT interacting with their child much.

I try to parent without using coercion, threats, bribery and sometimes I manage!

We briefly talked about the Triple P parenting Course she had been asked to talk to me about by the SS but it turns out that its not in their remit and so she knows nothing about it and doesn’t offer it at her practice.  I said I had looked online and frankly whilst some of it was interesting and (obvious) I was not about to start using time out or any other punitive discipline technique and IF I did go on the course, I would most likely disrupt it with my own views and if it was during the day, my kids would need to come too and they would disrupt it even more.  She laughed knowingly. 

Interestingly when I asked her how much of it was actually MY choice to go on the course she didn’t have a straight answer for me but the fact that I was happy for her to come over was a positive sign, meaning if I had refused and even though the SS had specifically stated it was my choice for the course, I could have been in for a whole more world of trouble.  AND even though the SS said they were having no more involvement, she said she was going to speak to them and....and....and...anyway 

I dispatched her with the Alfie Khon Unconditional Parenting and we had our lunch on the floor on a towel infront of the TV.

After lunch, we set about going to support our friend at her jewellery launch but once in the car were beset with meltdowns on all fronts.  It turned out, after stopping the car and finding out exactly why Ellie was screaming and flailing, that she was upset because Maia was wearing the hat she had on. The hat Maia always wears, because Ellie wanted to have it as a spare when the one she was wearing got wet.  When I pointed out that I understood her upset and that Maia was actually wearing that hat and she would be upset if Ellie took it, she wailed and stated that when she was unplugged from her seat she was going to grab the hat of Maia’s head.  See, sometimes, car seats are not the devil!!  When Ellie had sufficiently calmed down enough for me to continue driving, we made our way with occasional grumblings of grabbing and askings of would she would be happy to have something grabbed off her.  We arrived with an agreement, that since the hats probably would not get that wet, we would stick with the ones we had on.  THEN, between getting out of the car and walking to the venue, about 3feet something happened…I can’t be entirely sure what and it may well just have been a culmination of a very rushed and stressful day (or doughnut for breakfast), anyway Ellie had a spectacular meltdown which was made worse by me trying to have said meltdown inside the sports centre rather than in the rain or right next to the smokers corner.  So I manage to move everyone inside whilst trying to figure out exactly what the problem was.  It was really a lost cause, I had no clue, she was screaming, I couldn’t understand her, then she was roaring and saying ‘lets go home, I don’t want to be here’.  I decided to just sit.  Maia crawled about the seating area whilst Ellie screamed and I sat.  I was aware of the staff behind the counter but I was mostly focused on not making the meltdown worse by attempting to touch or speak! Then the phone rang and the woman behind the counter got nippy with me and asked me to make her stop  - HA!!! Then several staff went ‘shh’ and to my dismay I used the ‘Ellie the woman on the phone can’t hear’ line.  I wish I hadn’t, simply because I feel it makes Ellie think that woman’s phonecall is more important than Ellie’s feelings.  Anyway it was distraction enough and as quick as it had started, Ellie suddenly stopped and we were on our way minus shoes, a small concession in my eyes.

The jewellery launch was a fraught affair, simply because she wasn’t keen on us touching the stuff, even though they were being careful and knew it was delicate, even though I was crawling on the floor at their height and looking at the things with them, even though I was taking extra care to make sure they were taking extra care…it was too difficult so we got grandma’s present and left.

Home sweet home…sort of, because Maia who had now been woken from two falling asleeps decided not to have her afternoon shloph and spent the rest of the day oscillating between being upset and wanting milk, so not much was done.

BUT for a change,  dinner was actually made! Well ok, half was made, half was oven cooked from the freezer already made, but THAT in my book is enough!

Anyway, Its all kind of ironic because I spend my entire life encouraging Ellie and Maia to discuss their feelings and talk about what is bothering them rather than suppressing hitting pushing kicking grabbing or screaming the place down in the vain hope that they can find ways to deal with their emotions in an effective, affective and healthy manner in the future  and to help them see that what they say and do matters WHEN most of the time it feels like I am keeping all MY  real thoughts and feelings suppressed….hence the phrase ‘you don’t want to know’

Meltdowns - several 
Losing the Plot - 0
Breastfeeding - obviously!