This time of Night

It gets to this time of night, the kids have been asleep for a few hours, they've eaten at least some form of nutrition today, they probably will sleep through tonight, husband has gone to bed, I've watched a few things on the box, the house is a moderate mess, pain is at moderate level and I start to wonder how the hell I got through another day and how am I going to get through another one tomorrow and how the hell am I going to do it with another little one.

Its just the small stuff really at this time of night

Meltdowns - abound

Losing the Plot - difficult with sick girlies

Breastfeeding - thinking a lot about restarting

Stressed Some?

Its really hard to do a hypnobirthing relaxation cd with 

Ellie spinning in middle of room saying 'daddy marzipan, daddy marzipan, daddy marzipan' 

over and over.  

Its really hard but I'll still try.

its really hard for me to not be a stresshead
pretty much everything stresses me out
and makes my head spin
which makes it really hard for me to parent in a nonstressified way
in a calm manner
in a gentle manner
in a quiet manner
in a patient manner
in a kind manner
in a loving manner
in a manner that makes me feel good about myself
and makes my children feel good about themselves
Its really hard but I keep on trying

Its really hard to know if its working

It's really hard to know if I am working

It often feels like I should try harder

and so I do

Meltdowns - a few  (but not with me)
Losing the Plot - not today  (easier since they were not actually in the house!!)
Breastfeeding - not just now  (but pondering tandem)

An Inconvenient Mother

If it feels like an inconvenience and you don’t want to ‘provide support’ then don’t. Say no. Because if you are coming here with the attitude that my parenting style is the thing that is stopping me coping and stopping you providing that support, not the fact that we don’t get much support (because I am sure if we were doing ‘your’ way of parenting we would STILL need support) then I would rather not have it and hear it at all. Well, I sayI would rather not have it, but sometimes I am desperate.

I do all these things because I know how important it is to keep a connection with my children. I know what it feels like to have an emotionally unstable family life. I know how it was for me to cope with life and I know how hard it was for me to find a connection to help me deal with life and I obviously didn’t or wasn’t able to get that from my parents. I don’t want my kids growing up without the ability to cope with whatever life has in store for them and I want them to be able to feel that connection with me and that means living my life the way I do. I do all I can to keep the connection. I am only now learning how to cope with what life throws at me and whilst I get strong and capable I do what I can. I was never given the skills set to cope with life because I was raised by a parent who didn’t have them. I constantly struggle.

I want to feel this strong confident great mum that other people say I am. I am not looking to hear it from others I ACTUALLY want to believe it myself. Sometimes I do, so I know what it feels like. I know it is possible. Sometimes I do feel like I am doing it all wrong, I am shouting too much I am not listening, I am pushing them away when it is clear they need me more and don’t want that. I am forcing my beliefs and fucked up life skills on to them. I am showing them ‘how not to do stuff’ except they see it as ‘how to do it’ I am modelling misplaced anger, over attachment to material possessions, frustration or negative reactions to things they have no control over. I am not accepting of who they are and where they are at. I am diminishing their self belief and confidence that deep in their core they are ok and that they can cope.

In telling them they don’t need me, I am pushing them away and that must feel like rejection. I shouldn’t have to push, if I am pushing they are not ready. If they are not ready and I am pushing then they will not have the life skills and self confidence to believe they can cope. There should be no pushing it should be fluid natural and their decision.

I want to believe that everything I am doing is keeping the connection going for now for the future and for always. They need it the moment they are born, why wouldn’t they. Why would they not want a connected, open understanding, supportive warm loving relationship? 


 IT’S NOT CALLED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR NOTHING.

If I am pushing then it needs to be replaced by something equally as worthy and comforting

If I am pushing weaning

If I am pushing independence

If I am pushing being without me

If I am pushing sleeping alone

If I am pushing nursery

It is because I have chosen to do these things not because it is what they would choose but because I do not have the resources, support and coping abilities to maintain it and this makes me very sad.

losing plot - 1

meltdowns - 3

breastfeeding - yes