All For the Want of a Nail

Sometimes is good to have a schpeigel.  In this case it was a 30minutes hoover schpeigel of the downstairs...well minus the back room, because that means more than just hoovering .   Its freed up at least another couple of weeks where I can get by on occasional surface hoovering time!!  This in turns means more time doing other stuff.  (Believe me, no matter if we hoover every single day which, I used to try to do, I quickly realised it wasn't worth it in so many ways. Now, I don't have the inclination or time for it and anyway, it wouldn't matter because this carpet is all one colour, a lovely deep red colour.  It was amazing new, pre mobile children,  but to cut a long story short which most will 'get', next time i am going 70's patterned in creams and brown swirls)

Anyway back to the schpeigeling, things have been tested to my limit for me recently, what with unbelievable pain, social services and MASSIVE fight (again) with my mother.  Most will know my view on the whole SS visit which while quite stressful and definitely not something I would want or need every week....was just another way of cementing to me that I DO NOT want to be the kind of parent you see dragging their child out of a place kicking and screaming, I WANT to be the kind of parent that comes to some kind of arrangement where everyone leaves feeling happy, secure satisfied and feeling the love.  Yes I know there was nakedness but G-D dammit we were all naked once.  And YES I am irked that my girls don't get the choice to meet daddy naked when he comes home from work...and I have to coerce them with a threat of not being able to meet daddy...I always LOVED dancing naked in the rain for a few moments!!!  It's more about having that choice.  It's always about having the choice.

The inconceivable pain was from a month of me trying to manage my sciatica without pain medication culminating in me screaming the pain was worse than childbirth and demanding more drugs than ibuprofen to which I literally laughed in the Dr's face at and got tramadol and diazepam for my incredulity.   I just received a text from a friend who suggested that sciatic pain means one is dealing with emotional issues maybe needing more support or needing to stand up for oneself.  Usually deep inner issues.  All related to muscle tension which is a direct expression of emotional tension.  Hello, my name is Mummy and I have emotional issues.

Which brings me to the show down with my mother another one where she makes a comment too much, another show down where she complains about the state of the house...oh no wait, this one included my children this time... that's a comment too far...... I am not proud to say I did not respond with the level of compassion and love I so desire which slightly negated most of our argument about breaking the cycle of emotional abuse that she doesn't believe has a placing in her relationship with her grandchildren..or even existed with me.  ''You could be so pretty...if only you did x y whatever condition I am putting on my unconditional love for you today''.  When push comes to shove though....I always revert to what I am trying  in desperation to avoid.  I am proud to say that I stood up for myself and my children.  Hello, my name is mummy and I have emotional issues that I am trying DAMN hard  not pass on to my children.  

Anyway with our amassed time from not having a spotless home, we managed a trip into town to see a wee theatre play, it was totally delightful, Maia was mesmerized, Ellie was engaged, they both were laughing and no-one took their clothes off, no-one peed in the gutter, no-one ended up in tears....well ok......at the end, Ellie in her excitement to go down the lift BY. HERSELF. pushed Maia over which made her very upset then indignant then rendered unable to walk and ended up with me having to carry her back to the busstop but it's a different upset from a beginning of the day upset which can change the whole dynamic of our day.

Siblings without Rivalry is arriving in the post soon and for the record, this is the room AFTER a schpeigling, I think two weeks may be an over estimate.

Meltdowns - 0

Losing the Plot - 0 - 

Breastfeeding - of course!

It's Not Right

I often feel I dont read Ellie as well as I should or could and then in the interest of removing self-guilt I rationalise that she doesn't let me in as much as I would want.  She finds it hard to tell me how she is feeling either this is something to investigate or she doesn't know herself yet, can't put it into words,  is only three and has a lot going on for her.  I'll go for the latter, just because the former takes way too much exploration just now and will probably be due to MY mother-daughter relationship and I don't need to go there just now or at 4am in the morning when I was a teenager and my mother decided was a good time to 'chat' about difficult things. And anyway I am exploring MY daughter-mother relationship.

It's not easy to articulate your feelings but you can let someone know something is not right by your behaviour.

Ok, so what does Ellie do to let me know that things are not right...aside from telling me and 'using her words' which she often does, she often doesn't and does something else instead. 

She starts off trying to connect and let me know something is not right but if I miss these cues, it can escelate into other forms of communication...She screeches, she whinges, she whimpers,  she cries, she screams....or she does them all by which point my brain can only take so much haranguing and shuts down.

Maia can spend her entire trying to get back to sleep without the boob time pitifully saying 'its not right' meaning the blanket is not on properly but I can't help answering her 'no its not right' and marvelling on the  merits of the phrase.

So we have a  multitude of  missed behaviours which can lead to meltdown.  Which can after an either particularly long  meltdown or a series of seemingly 'random' ones ( there is always a reason but sometimes I am just too 'not there' to quite get it) lead to me losing the plot which is basically the point where she can't cope I cant cope no-one can cope and its all out of control.  Scary place to be in for all of us. 

The trick is, to cut it off at the pass...to recognise before it becomes a meltdown.  To be on the ball and open  and ready for everything that comes our way.   To be able to negotiate and confer throughout the day on a manageable level.  This takes communication, skills and tools. Sometimes I have them and I know exactly what's going on and am able to work out exactly what the best thing to do is, sometimes I don't. Sometimes that's the answer because doing nothing, being a passive observer is what's needed. They can work it out for themselves, all be it with some frustration.  The accomplishment is worth the pain.   Sometimes doing very little is what is needed, being an active observer, providing words that are needed, having some frustration but knowing I am on hand to offer support or facilitation eases the anguish.   Sometimes doing a lot is what is needed, being an active participant, getting right in there and doing it because the whole thing is just too overwhelming to possibly endure.

I remember the days when cues were generally about boob, sleep or poop and Barry would say wow, isn't it hard work being a baby....WOW its complicated work being a toddler and  blimey its challenging work being a toddlers mum.

Meltdowns - several

Losing the Plot - one massive one

Breastfeeding - not today thanks