There must be a better reason

I dont get it. 

She sees something she wants. She opens it. She explores it. 

It needs the plug. 

I say it's probably over there under the sofa

She doesn't even look. I mean she goes over,  she stands behind the sofa but doesn't actually look. You know as in bend down, look under and maybe lift a blanket a bit. 

She stands there sort of looking then gives up and leaves the room. 

A few mins later I peer and its right there. Easy. 

Why? Tell me why? Is she lazy? 

Barry says its cos she's lazy but there must be more to it. Are 6yr olds lazy? It's probably my fault in some way. Isn't it always?!!

I *want* to believe its for another reason. I want to believe she maybe wasn't sure what she was looking for. Or something. Anything. I can't even think of another explanation. 

I'm menstrual, tired and just done in, so I then get irrational,  petty and mean and try and stop Barry from setting it up and plugging it in by saying "fuck that why should you? If she wants it she can do it herself". 

Such a great example I'm setting of kindness and compassion. It probably actually is my fault!

Thankfully he ignores me. 

Naked children

For kids that spend 90% of their time naked,  I think they've packed a sizeable amount for 10days camping in the woods!!

Not a loser - The Big C

"You know, healthy people they've really gotta stop saying things like 

She fought to the end

he battled cancer

Because then when they die you have to say 

they lost their battle to cancer

You're saying they're a loser. They're a loser? Because they died? What was their choices?

Did you ever think, If we all live forever none would ever have babies. There would be no space 

Dying is necessary. 

It's important. It sucks. 

So when we do, don't criticise us on the way out. Just say goodbye and thank you and you're not a loser."

The Big C

http://m.imdb.com/title/tt1515193/

Just another day in Paradise

I had a meeting yesterday with school nurse supposedly about Ellie's eating. They were concerned because when she has had packed lunch she always seems to be hungry. She is in a phase right now of limiting a lot of foods and not eating ones she used to. I thought we were there to discuss food and diet. 

They started talking again about her not brushing hair and occasional not clean clothes (she *is* a messy eater) and how it could cause problems for her in high school singling herself out. 

They mentioned how she often doesn't have a drink with her and I said I thought you gave her water in school and that we are on a budget so if she drinks all her juice she has none for school, a natural consequence. I said she used to bring a bottle but it always came home full and I had expected the school to encourage her to drink. 

They mentioned not doing homework and how it could be a problem in high school. I said she is only in primary two!

I explained that we don't force her to do her homework but we do talk and read at home about lots of different things especially numbers and language. I asked her if she had heard of Alfie khon and the idea that homework is not so necessary at this age and is just more pressure. She kept bringing up high school being an issue if she doesn't do these things now. 

She asked if we sit together to eat and what happens if they don't finish their dinner do they still get a 'treat' and suggested rewarding them if they do eat. I tried to explain how I'm working towards the girls having autonomy and an understanding of their own body and hunger etc and how we don't make them perform for rewards and sometimes we sit together and sometimes it's just not possible with hubby's working hours.  

She asked about what disciplines we use for bad behaviours I asked what she meant by bad behaviour. I gave her the example of bed time not working and how we discussed together what we could do to make it work better. She told me her own story of controlled crying. I really cant believe its still advocated?? I said I would never in a month of Sundays do controlled crying that there was a lot of research out there now to negate it and she got all bristly and told me her 16yr old was 'perfect' and then she mentioned Triple P *sigh* (I am plagued by Triple P, I hate it) and I explained we do natural consequences and don't use rewards and punishment. Also Triple P advocates time outs which we definitely don't do!!

They brought up again how Ellie is by herself in playground by her choosing and how they try to engage her in play with other kids but she refuses. She asked how things were now after we had spoken to her teacher about Ellie feeling bullied and I said she is not refusing school just now and the teacher was going to investigate things so it helped to talk about it. 

She seemed impressed with how I spoke to Maia when she started to get noisy.  I said she could go through to the nursery or sit quietly with me. They kept 'quizzing' her knowledge and asking about going to school. If she was looking forward to it etc. Maia I know has had enough of that question since she repeatedly tells me she is NOT going to school!!!

I'm fairly sure she just thought we were lax parents who let our kids make their own decisions and run their own lives without any thought, care or input from me and that it would come back to bite us. She kept saying how she's heard we parent 'differently'. I should have asked what she thought that meant. 

I felt under scrutiny for my parenting techniques as usual and I'm afraid I wasn't very forthcoming and up for defending myself. I'm also exceedingly tired just now, so it seemed kind of pointless trying to justify our lives when I'm feeling this way. I'm thinking Millie wearing her split crotch EC pants (with a nappy) didn't help my case!!!

Its just as well I'm not so vulnerable to 'mainstream' parenting techniques because she was being all reasonable and clearly thought I was making problems for myself and should do things her way. 

I actually don't feel I handled it well at all, I felt sullen and pouty and probably did some WTF type eye rolling. I wasn't vocal enough in defence and advocating for us as a family because there didn't seem any point and I was too tired to have to justify my parenting. Again.  

Thinking back on it after, I was pissed off it wasn't more about food and felt like an attack, so, at pick up, I bravely went up to the acting head and said 'I thought the meeting was about Ellie and her diet I was a bit shocked to have my parenting under scrutiny and feeling I had to justify my parenting style. I felt bamboozled and totally unprepared."

She smiled sweetly and said 'yes the nurse noticed you were not receptive to advice but really it's all in the spirit of trying to support you'

I mean, who IS receptive to parenting advice when they didn't ask for it??

I'm too tired and weary to be too angry but FFS it was meant to be about diet.  I know they were just trying to find a way to support me. A cleaner, a cook, a driver and a tribe would be a good starting point!!

I'm trying not to take it all too seriously but maybe that's my problem. Ellie out of school is happy confident lively friendly communicative little girl who is oblivious to societies hang ups. As any bloody kid should be.

She's only 6 FFS!!

Meltdowns - not today

Losing the plot - just once after Ellie refused to get me a nappy whilst she was already upstairs 

Breastfeeding - realising I offer one more than other so am lopsided

First time EVER!

Ellie and Maia have been invited to London at the weekend with my brother and his wife. Ellie is uber excited, I was uber excited at the idea of two less lives to be responsible for and Maia keeps changing her mind. They both only started sleepovers at grandmas and brothers in the last year. Up until then I was either still breastfeeding at night or we knew they were not ready.

We actually feel Maia is still not ready but we gave her the option, she said no initially but over the last week or so she has changed her mind back to yes, then tonight she changed it back again to not going. I'm interested to know which way she will go in the end. There is a massive pull for her to go with her sister and not miss out on an amazing trip but she knows we will be doing something special if she stays, in actual fact when she initially and adamantly decide she wasn't going, she insisted that we do something special too. 

The only thing that's stressing me slightly is the packing. Usually I pack weeks in advance but I've just not had the chance yet and I'm feeling like I've caught hubby's  last minuteitis. Except his doesn't have the worry symptom!

Actually, I'm also worried about how they will cope with people who aren't used to their open and frank displays of emotions (and their mental floobiness which will be compounded by mental excitedness!!!!). It will also be really hard for them to use cutlery ALL the time!!!

Meltdowns - so many it's scary

Losing the plot - a few but more restrained 

Breastfeeding - an awful lot

Hold

Hold your babies close tonight

Hold your baby close

Hold your heart all wrapped up tight

Hold the love that never fades

Keep your baby in your love

Hold your babies close tonight

Still going

I can put as much of a positive thinking, getting my shit together, dealing with my issues, spin on it as I like, it's still just me keeping it together all day with three lively communicative active kids. It's still G-d damn nigh on impossibly hard sometimes,  yet here I am nearly 7yrs later.  Still standing. Still loving. Still laughing. Still crying. Still shouting. Still connecting. Still trying. Still breastfeeding. Still not sleeping. Still wondering. Still worthy. Still wanted. Still loved. 

Maybe we're all doing something right after all!

Meltdowns - minimal actually!

Losing the plot - kind of, but not totally

Breastfeeding - toooooo much something must be growing, developing, hurting, working