I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.
My girls school had better NOT have destroyed my wee girls spirit and love of singing by forcing her to audition without music (she practised with music and was expecting to do it to music and it's completely different without) and then telling her she isn't good enough to be in their end of year talent show.
The purpose of the curriculum for excellence is encapsulated in the four capacities - to enable each child or young person to be a successful learner, a confident individual, a responsible citizen and an effective contributor.
Do you think that has happened today?
No, she has come home feeling not good enough, feeling cheated, disappointed and judged.
Yes there were lots of people wanting to take part but it should not have come down to one persons opinion on wether she was good enough. Do the talent show over two days. Let everyone have their turn. With music or accompaniments or whatever else was needed.
Well done school, you've TOTALLY filled my girl with confidence and inspired her to want to go back. NOT. Actually, she is already asking not to go next week.
I don't want to be coming across as some show business type pushy mom but I really despair at the stupidity and callousness of what could have been a really exciting time. They had a perfect opportunity to bolster and boost a small girls confidence but instead they chose to crush it.
Edit: I've removed the name of the school and there is some confusion as to wether music was offered and for when. Anyway that's not really the issue. The point is over the competitiveness of young children
We got called into school again for a few concerns. Lateness, messy hair and faces (again) and homework were some of the things on the agenda.
Crazy thing is we *were* making a much bigger effort to be on time. I had explained to Ellie she was at an unfair disadvantage because there were so many of us getting ready in the morning compared to others who only had one kid, so it wasn't right that she should feel upset about being late because it wasn't all down to her and that she also shouldn't feel bad that she wouldn't ever get a special prize from the special award motivator box and that I'd get her something similar. I've also said that watching tv and eating breakfast makes things slower. Natural consequences. She doesn't want to be late then she needs to be ready to leave in morning but so do 4 others and a dog.
I say no tv, they go on computer. I say no computer, they go on tablet. Or my phone. They are sneaky that way!!! Also. If they don't watch tv, they play and don't eat. So do I ban everything except sitting at table eating? Like I got time to police that!!
There is a lot of stuff to do before leaving in the morning. I rarely get help when I ask for it from the girls, well not enough to make a humongous difference, but I suppose every little helps. You know. Recently they're becoming more receptive to a request here and there. You know grab another jumper Millie's spilled porridge on this one. Run and get another pair of trousers Millie just peed on these ones. Quick get another cardigan you've dribbled all over that one. We still haven't mastered the matching shoe finding task. There's a lot of shoes in that cupboard. It's scary in there. At least they can dress themselves now. That's a mahasoove bonus in the getting out the house on time stakes. Although with Millie becoming two and learning the art of running off and saying no to getting dressed that has definitely put us in a timedeficit.
Anyway I thought we were doing quite well. If I had to estimate I would say in the last month or so we have been maybe 70% - 80% on time. And it's only about 5-10mins at the most. I have definitely heard the bell more times this year as we drive up. Last year I don't think we ever made the bell. I should ask for the statistics for this year. 80% is good.
I basically made a decision to stop stressing and running about like a fucking lunatic trying to do seven billion things at once either shouting my head off or repeatedly repeating everything repeatedly over and over again ad-ifinitum and ad-nauseam. I do what needs to be done. I do it effectively (mostly) and I say 'time to go, last one out locks the door' and I leave. That's what's been working recently. They hate locking the door so that used to make them ruuuuuuuush. But it also made them freaaaak out. And wail. And try locking the door and then stomp. Then I would get out the car to lock the door. Often that made us later. And it wasn't fun. Actually it was often quite stressful for everyone and upsetting at times. But I like that they try to lock the door. That's a good skill to have. Anyways. Recently, I think they're working out that I will lock it if they can't, so the pressure is off a little but they're still pretty fast out the door. I think I'll need a new technique soon.
Invariably someone forgets something. That adds on time. So does Millie refusing car seat. That's happened a lot.
Most days we are out the house and traffic is fine but some days it's crazy. Crazy backed right up to our road. Crazy unpredictable traffic.
**side bar** this is my 2nd yr of leaving house with 3kids and dog. Thats two schoolkids needing lunches, snacks, breakfast, clothes, shoes, bags and to actually get out of bed and everything that entails and a toddler and all she entails. I am now into our 3rd year of school so we have gone through a whole lot of different techniques, of which there were MANY, mostly gentle (some way too stressyscary) of getting out the house. My favourite one so far was just leaving and sitting in the car till they noticed. I got a good chunk of 5-10mins of me time that way. Not so effective for those days you need to be somewhere at a specific time. Hopeless for school days, trust me. But the shouty stressy becoming unwell mummy had to GOOooooooo. Also, not to labour a point either, but getting out of bed and often being in a lot of pain and having very little range of movement for a while really puts a buzzkill on my timemojo.
You know what also? I really thought we were on top of the cleaning the face routine in the morning too. We've really been on the ball with it. Seriously, does it have to be EVERY day?!! And could they not help, by noticing if I've maybe missed a day or a bit and guide them to the bathroom straight away?
They have a bath almost every night.
Now hair brushing is just not happening for us. Maia's hair has a life of its own. We brush it, it fights back within hours to become the tangled mess it loves being. Last time we had this discussion with school about Ellie's hair, I cut it short. Remember? She loved it. Until kids made comments. Horrible ones. Ones that upset her and made her not like herself anymore. It broke my heart. I also hated that I cut her hair because society can't cope with a messy haired kid.
So, dammed if they do, dammed if they don't. Kids make comments when she cut it. Kids make comments. Kids are mean. My kids know I love them with messy or neat hair. That self-confidence goes way further than being mean. I've explained to them that some kids can say mean things because their hair is messy. We'll see if that fear will motivate them. What is it with hair brushing!!!! Maybe chocolate for breakfast would help?!
Next up is homework. I think there is too much. I think Ellie works hard. I think she will eventually manage to finish all her homework. I think she will be self motivated and able enough to complete all her homework as she gets older. I will support her when she is ready. I think she does a lot of homework. I support her when she does it. I don't think homework is necessary at this age but help her do it. There's a lot. They disagree. In fact I expect to see more and more being piled on these poor kids in the future. It's a losing battle. I'm a lone voice. As usual.
I am doing my best. I am clearly not a WINNER for the getting kids to school early award. I am also not failing my kids for later in life. I am definitely less stressed which my blood pressure thanks me for. I'm definitely less shouty which my kids thank me for. But, the message I'm getting is it's not good enough. That I'm not good enough.
We are doing our best...
But try harder I must. So next week we go for GOLD....pre-bell. What's my reward?
There was me thinking I was putting my head down and getting on with things. Clearly I need more practice. I'm confident though, that by the time school is over we will all have it worked out beautifully. Meltdowns - a few out of character ones Losing the Plot - not so many these days Breastfeeding - nearly two years!
Until you are able to do it more, it's my job to help you feel better about stuff. Until you are able to do it more, It's my job to help you stop worrying about stuff.
So I want you to stop worrying about your schoolwork. I don't want you to stop trying, but I do want you to stop worrying about what you know and what you don't know.
It's ok to not know stuff just now. You are only 7. There is plenty of time to learn it. You don't have to know everything. It's ok to need help to learn it. You don't need to do it by yourself. I know you wish you knew it all already. I know it frustrates and worries you that you think you don't enough. You know exactly what you need to know for this moment.
As you get older, you'll know more and more but right now, I know worrying isn't helping you. It isn't making you feel better about stuff. It's making you feel worse. I wish I could take your worry away.
If you always talk to me and tell me your worries, then I will help you to feel better. Always.
I love you. Daddy loves you. Maia loves you. Millie loves you.
And I will get you a prize whether you pass the test or not. Yes and Maia too. Don't worry.
Meltdowns - kind of continuous with added high pitched whininess
Losing the plot - trying so very hard not to
Breastfeeding - there has been an increased need from one and a great interest and desire from the other two!
There are 5 days left of school. Last week I was rather excited with the prospect of another year of school being over. This week I'm already feeling quite unmotivated, really really tired and kind of overwhelmed with everyone's needs. I can't really muster up the enthusiasm for final week of school. The final push is upon us and I can't be bothered.
BUT...
It will mean no more stressy mornings for a while of herding everyone up, dressed and out the door with something, anything (yes tobelerone is breakfast) in their tummies which will be amazing.
It will mean no more shouting at Ellie who has recently decided not to get into her seat so when I leave the driveway, she shrieks and freaks because she is not strapped in, doesn't have her school bag and forgot her shoes (school not gym), even though she has had plenty of time.
It will mean no more 6 trips a day dropping and picking up various kids. In fact it will mean no more for at least two years!!!! Yes! Maia is going into primary one! It will be just Millie and I for the whole day!! I won't know what to do with myself!!! And no it's not time for another one.....yet!
It will mean no longer even attempting to make it to school on time. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've managed it.
SO...
I'm looking forward to all of the above not happening. I'm looking forward to having more quality time with my girls. I guess, yes, I am looking forward to the summer!!
BRING IT ON!!
Just let me catch up on some sleep first and maybe get a wee massage before the full on full time wonderful holidays start!
YAY!!!
Meltdowns - frustrated due to tiredness ones
Losing the Plot - frustrated due to tiredness ones
Breastfeeding - too much for me at the moment, must be teeth
I had a meeting yesterday with school nurse supposedly about Ellie's eating. They were concerned because when she has had packed lunch she always seems to be hungry. She is in a phase right now of limiting a lot of foods and not eating ones she used to. I thought we were there to discuss food and diet.
They started talking again about her not brushing hair and occasional not clean clothes (she *is* a messy eater) and how it could cause problems for her in high school singling herself out.
They mentioned how she often doesn't have a drink with her and I said I thought you gave her water in school and that we are on a budget so if she drinks all her juice she has none for school, a natural consequence. I said she used to bring a bottle but it always came home full and I had expected the school to encourage her to drink.
They mentioned not doing homework and how it could be a problem in high school. I said she is only in primary two!
I explained that we don't force her to do her homework but we do talk and read at home about lots of different things especially numbers and language. I asked her if she had heard of Alfie khon and the idea that homework is not so necessary at this age and is just more pressure. She kept bringing up high school being an issue if she doesn't do these things now.
She asked if we sit together to eat and what happens if they don't finish their dinner do they still get a 'treat' and suggested rewarding them if they do eat. I tried to explain how I'm working towards the girls having autonomy and an understanding of their own body and hunger etc and how we don't make them perform for rewards and sometimes we sit together and sometimes it's just not possible with hubby's working hours.
She asked about what disciplines we use for bad behaviours I asked what she meant by bad behaviour. I gave her the example of bed time not working and how we discussed together what we could do to make it work better. She told me her own story of controlled crying. I really cant believe its still advocated?? I said I would never in a month of Sundays do controlled crying that there was a lot of research out there now to negate it and she got all bristly and told me her 16yr old was 'perfect' and then she mentioned Triple P *sigh* (I am plagued by Triple P, I hate it) and I explained we do natural consequences and don't use rewards and punishment. Also Triple P advocates time outs which we definitely don't do!!
They brought up again how Ellie is by herself in playground by her choosing and how they try to engage her in play with other kids but she refuses. She asked how things were now after we had spoken to her teacher about Ellie feeling bullied and I said she is not refusing school just now and the teacher was going to investigate things so it helped to talk about it.
She seemed impressed with how I spoke to Maia when she started to get noisy. I said she could go through to the nursery or sit quietly with me. They kept 'quizzing' her knowledge and asking about going to school. If she was looking forward to it etc. Maia I know has had enough of that question since she repeatedly tells me she is NOT going to school!!!
I'm fairly sure she just thought we were lax parents who let our kids make their own decisions and run their own lives without any thought, care or input from me and that it would come back to bite us. She kept saying how she's heard we parent 'differently'. I should have asked what she thought that meant.
I felt under scrutiny for my parenting techniques as usual and I'm afraid I wasn't very forthcoming and up for defending myself. I'm also exceedingly tired just now, so it seemed kind of pointless trying to justify our lives when I'm feeling this way. I'm thinking Millie wearing her split crotch EC pants (with a nappy) didn't help my case!!!
Its just as well I'm not so vulnerable to 'mainstream' parenting techniques because she was being all reasonable and clearly thought I was making problems for myself and should do things her way.
I actually don't feel I handled it well at all, I felt sullen and pouty and probably did some WTF type eye rolling. I wasn't vocal enough in defence and advocating for us as a family because there didn't seem any point and I was too tired to have to justify my parenting. Again.
Thinking back on it after, I was pissed off it wasn't more about food and felt like an attack, so, at pick up, I bravely went up to the acting head and said 'I thought the meeting was about Ellie and her diet I was a bit shocked to have my parenting under scrutiny and feeling I had to justify my parenting style. I felt bamboozled and totally unprepared."
She smiled sweetly and said 'yes the nurse noticed you were not receptive to advice but really it's all in the spirit of trying to support you'
I mean, who IS receptive to parenting advice when they didn't ask for it??
I'm too tired and weary to be too angry but FFS it was meant to be about diet. I know they were just trying to find a way to support me. A cleaner, a cook, a driver and a tribe would be a good starting point!!
I'm trying not to take it all too seriously but maybe that's my problem. Ellie out of school is happy confident lively friendly communicative little girl who is oblivious to societies hang ups. As any bloody kid should be.
She's only 6 FFS!!
Meltdowns - not today
Losing the plot - just once after Ellie refused to get me a nappy whilst she was already upstairs
Breastfeeding - realising I offer one more than other so am lopsided
I'll just have a wee lie down with Millie I thought.
I'll set the timer I thought.
No problem I thought.
Except. Maia had my phone and for some unknown reason, she changed the timer to 20hrs and deleted a ton of my apps.
I woke up and looked at clock and thought its fine its only 2pm. Got another hour and half and fell back to sleep with Millie softly clutching my boob. Ah bliss. Except. Shit. It's early closing for Shabbat. Schools finished. I'm still asleep and so is Millie and evidently so is Maia who is lying fast asleep beside me with the phone still in her hand. I grabbed Millie and ran to the car. Realised other child wasn't following and was still fast asleep. Grabbed ankle of sleeping child and shoved her into car in a daze.
I'm still trying to figure out if shouty mama is a befitting natural consequence because quite frankly I can't think what it could be? She not only got to play with the phone, she also got to have a lovely afternoon nap. Where's the consequence in that???? It also probably means she won't be tired tonight! That's just crap consequences in my book.
I also haven't worked out the natural consequences of this little act of upset ->
Who am I kidding!! Not only have I not had a minute to pee since the schools went back, the computer is back in the bedroom - standing space only. *sigh*
So much for my vision of sitting writing at a desk and being all happy about that.
Aside from the fact that hubby was MOST put out with me stealing his sacred shed space. So perturbed was he that every time he went in the room, he developed a sort of sickness that rendered him incapable of sharing.
Then there's been the back to school palaver. There was me imagining a 'lady wot lunches' type scenario of languishing decadence. The reality is, somewhat different. Often times Maia refuses to go, so stays with me. We don't force our kids to go to nursery if they really don't want to go. As Maia so succinctly puts it to the horrified dog walkers in the park. 'its my choice'. We had similar issues of non-attendance with Ellie, but far worse. She was emotionally not ready and seriously upset at the thought of leaving me and staying in this room full of strangers. Maia on the other hand is quite matter of fact and calm and just wants to be with mummy. Well why wouldn't she! On the days she does go, by the time I have walked the dog, brought said wet dog home to hose, changed and fed and settled a wet Millie, it is time to go and pick up Maia again and sort out lunch.
On the days she does go to nursery and because Ellie is not with her, her need for connection has tripled. I am finding myself unable to complete any tasks without Maia wanting me to play, read, jump, sit, now now now now now. 'In a minute' I try. 'NO NOW' she responds. Very clear is Maia in her needs!
The rest of the afternoon is muddled between Maia and Millie and house until its time to pick up Ellie. with six, yes SIX journeys a day, poor Millie is often being woken to move her from house to car to car to house to bed to car to back to front inside outside puppy dogs tails...I'm dizzy thinking about it and come 5pm, she has had enough and just wants boob and stillness and sleep.
Bedtime is total military operation now. During the holidays the girls were regularly up past 10pm, so we are having to work quite hard to reset their body clocks. It basically means, that we start bedtime fairly soon after they have eaten and on a good night they are in bed by 9pm. So hubby, who has taken to cycling to work, arrives home around 6.30pm-7pm ish. We eat, I settle Millie. The girls have a 20-30mins playtime, then the onslaught begins. Ellie always decides its the best time to start playing silly buggers and runs about not brushing teeth and not getting undressed and basically NOT going to bed. Maia is so tired she becomes overtired and starts jumping and bumping..basically if the two of them are together, its mayhem. So we divide and conquer. I am usually asleep before they are. I'm not sure if we actually converse during that time, sometimes we text each other!
Sometimes we wake up a few hours later, grunt hello to each other then zombie our way round the kitchen clearing up after dinners mess. Usually we roll over and go back to sleep, after night time nappying and feeding Millie.
Meltdowns - little mini ones which sometimes accumulate to a massive bedtime one
Losing the Plot - minimal most of day till about 6pm
