It's not about you

Even after all these years my mum is still quite defensive about my parenting style. 

She has kindly offered to be with Millie for 4 hours whilst I do my breastfeeding training course. It's the longest Millie has been away from me (not including daddy) and it's a whole new experience for her. 

Last week was her first week and even though she ended up having a lovely day with my mum, she still expressed the desire not to be left without me. She wasn't distraught or upset about it happening, but she made it clear she wasn't too chuffed about it. Talking about this week she again, simply and clearly and expectantly, told me she didn't want me to go. I went through similar with my other girls at nursery but they were older. 

The night before, I was trying to explain to mum that I would see how she reacted. I would bring her over with an expectation that she would stay but that I knew she wasn't keen. I received the usual 'oh they need to get used to not being with you' line. 

For our family, the premise of an emotionally secure, happy, confident, capable child is based on a healthy attachment to a primary caregiver. Early years attachment has far reaching positive consequences for the child. 

In order for this to effectively work, the child needs to feel secure and confident that their primary caregiver is available and capable of providing for their needs. For a newborn, this equates to almost 24/7 care (practical, emotional and boobal!!) and constant reassurance that they won't be abandoned or left to fend for themselves. Newborns needs are constant and demanding! 

As a child grows, so too does their confidence and security and comfort level at being left with a secondary caregiver. A child first needs to have dependence which leads to codependence which will eventually lead to healthy independence. 

In the absence of the main caregiver, the child needs to know the secondary caregiver has the abilities and skills in order to help them feel comfortable and secure in their situation. This relationship takes time to develop and for a young child to get to that point may take some time. 

Prematurely severing attachment has long term consequences. Rushing the attachment/detachment process at a young age, can lead to connection problems, which can manifest in what are generally termed 'behaviour problems'.  Whenever there are ongoing issues (or meltdowns) it is usually down to connection. 

It's always good to be reminded that the long term goal, really does takes longer!!

So back to my situation, whilst *I* know my mum loves Millie and they have a great time together, and as my mum said she can manage if Millie becomes upset, I had to remind her that this isn't about me and it isn't about her. This is about seeing it from Millie's point of view. This is about Millie feeling secure and ready to be separated for an extended period of time from me.

Although I didn't say this out loud, it is also definitely not about 'managing' or 'dealing with' an upset child!!

I am in the fortunate position that it's not truly necessary for her to stay as she is able to come with, so she has the opportunity to ease into the transition.  

I feel great pain towards those that truly are unable, yet want to be with their child. It must take a lot of instinct squashing and heartache to do especially when even younger.

Had that option not been available and she were to become more adamant or distraught at me leaving, I would need to listen to her and re-evaluate our arrangement. I would most likely need to reconsider the course for another time. 

Dismissing her feelings or denying her emotions are not conducive to a happy secure Millie. Or a happy relaxed me.  It more often than not leads to a more needy girly who requires additional connection to feel balanced again. 

Losing the plot - mainly over sibling rivalry. Must reread'finish' the book. 

Meltdowns - few and far between...today

Breastfeeding - doin' a course. I'm gonna be legit not just some boob shoogling loony!!

Hey Formula feeding thumb sucking dummy mums.......listen up

No no no, bottle feeding after the age of 1 is wrong on so many levels!!!

Who are these early weaning mothers doing it for? Certainly not the kids! It's an attachment problem.

Children do not need bottle fed for nutrition over the age of one.

It's not right to make a child suck on their thumb. This is an age where they are beginning to identify themselves as an individual in the world and thumb sucking will most certainly hold them back. 

A child will be ridiculed at school for thumb sucking, that's also so not fair.

Prove to me that bottle feeding over the age of one is good for a child as I'm really struggling here to see the long-term benefits!!!!

Ladies, you cannot possibly say that it looks right when a child climbs on their mother, snuggles into their chest and starts sucking their thumb.

I would be bloody scarred for life if my mother 'cooperated' (or more like 'manipulated') with me to bottle feed past one!!!!!

A toddler, on the other hand, would probably not, given total free choice, choose to suck on their thumb.

Don't know who you all are, but feeding your kids the bottle when they can say bottle is disgusting!!!

Why do children of "thumb sucking till they're 10" believers want to suck their thumb but children of non believers don't. I reckon it's simply down to encouragement.

I am just saying that in my opinion (and you have yours!) an older child should not be bottle feeding. 

Bottle feeding is a great thing if you can feed your child, but many women are unable to bottle feed and are made to feel inadequate.

If it were the case that you couldn't feed anymore and your 3-4 year old wanted to wean, what would you do? Would you force a wet nurse?

One of the issue with extending bottle feeding is the ability of the mother and the child to separate. Some say that the desire for extended bottle feeding comes from the mother's inability to let go of 'her baby'.

If someone has to wean a child before the age of two its for the mothers benefit not the child

Lots of mums don't bottle feed at all and their children are just as fit as others and some mums are passing bad things onto the kids if they don’t eat or drink healthy themselves

Mothers like to wean after a certain age so they feel more in control, less needed. In some cases they reject the child more than he other way round, pushing the child away after the baby stage, almost scared not to let go.

Not forcing but as I understand it bottle feeding is for the mothers benefit. 

They like to bottle feed after a certain age so they feel more in control more needed in some cases they depend on the child more than the other way round clinging on to a child past the baby stage almost scared to let go.

Not all formula is good , ie if they smoke, drink or are on drugs near their kid. 

In this day and age there is no need to bottle feed beyond toddler age even if the child would take the bottle they know different, you can still cuddle and comfort a child without feeding.

I feel that as a protective parent you might want to protect your child... or move to a council estate.

Bollocks to you all! BM rocks... Now where's the boob, she's thirsty?

For many prematurely weaned toddlers, the favourite blanket or stuffed animal comes to serve the same function as the breast in providing comfort and a sense of security. One of the issues with early weaning is the inability of the mother and child to stay connected. Some say that the desire for early weaning comes from the mother's inability to bond with her baby.

I think it is a shame for a mother to cling on to her baby when it is no longer a baby.

Yes I would find it disgusting to think of a 5 year old having to stop play or whatever to run back to his mums arms and suck his thumb for comfort 

What about poor dad does he get a look in at all with the bottle

Some people need to get over themselves

___________________________

Thumb sucking is a form of comfort.  Bottle feeding is form of nutrition. Dummy's are also form of comfort.  Breastfeeding is all of these (and more).  It's double standards and frankly down right rude. 

Would you say these things to a formula feeding or thumb sucking, or dummy giving mum? So what makes you think it's ok to say to a breast feeding mum?

for sake of clarity, these are the ACTUAL quotes said to breastfeeding mums

written with the help and guidance from Ali Edgley

Just another day in Paradise

I had a meeting yesterday with school nurse supposedly about Ellie's eating. They were concerned because when she has had packed lunch she always seems to be hungry. She is in a phase right now of limiting a lot of foods and not eating ones she used to. I thought we were there to discuss food and diet. 

They started talking again about her not brushing hair and occasional not clean clothes (she *is* a messy eater) and how it could cause problems for her in high school singling herself out. 

They mentioned how she often doesn't have a drink with her and I said I thought you gave her water in school and that we are on a budget so if she drinks all her juice she has none for school, a natural consequence. I said she used to bring a bottle but it always came home full and I had expected the school to encourage her to drink. 

They mentioned not doing homework and how it could be a problem in high school. I said she is only in primary two!

I explained that we don't force her to do her homework but we do talk and read at home about lots of different things especially numbers and language. I asked her if she had heard of Alfie khon and the idea that homework is not so necessary at this age and is just more pressure. She kept bringing up high school being an issue if she doesn't do these things now. 

She asked if we sit together to eat and what happens if they don't finish their dinner do they still get a 'treat' and suggested rewarding them if they do eat. I tried to explain how I'm working towards the girls having autonomy and an understanding of their own body and hunger etc and how we don't make them perform for rewards and sometimes we sit together and sometimes it's just not possible with hubby's working hours.  

She asked about what disciplines we use for bad behaviours I asked what she meant by bad behaviour. I gave her the example of bed time not working and how we discussed together what we could do to make it work better. She told me her own story of controlled crying. I really cant believe its still advocated?? I said I would never in a month of Sundays do controlled crying that there was a lot of research out there now to negate it and she got all bristly and told me her 16yr old was 'perfect' and then she mentioned Triple P *sigh* (I am plagued by Triple P, I hate it) and I explained we do natural consequences and don't use rewards and punishment. Also Triple P advocates time outs which we definitely don't do!!

They brought up again how Ellie is by herself in playground by her choosing and how they try to engage her in play with other kids but she refuses. She asked how things were now after we had spoken to her teacher about Ellie feeling bullied and I said she is not refusing school just now and the teacher was going to investigate things so it helped to talk about it. 

She seemed impressed with how I spoke to Maia when she started to get noisy.  I said she could go through to the nursery or sit quietly with me. They kept 'quizzing' her knowledge and asking about going to school. If she was looking forward to it etc. Maia I know has had enough of that question since she repeatedly tells me she is NOT going to school!!!

I'm fairly sure she just thought we were lax parents who let our kids make their own decisions and run their own lives without any thought, care or input from me and that it would come back to bite us. She kept saying how she's heard we parent 'differently'. I should have asked what she thought that meant. 

I felt under scrutiny for my parenting techniques as usual and I'm afraid I wasn't very forthcoming and up for defending myself. I'm also exceedingly tired just now, so it seemed kind of pointless trying to justify our lives when I'm feeling this way. I'm thinking Millie wearing her split crotch EC pants (with a nappy) didn't help my case!!!

Its just as well I'm not so vulnerable to 'mainstream' parenting techniques because she was being all reasonable and clearly thought I was making problems for myself and should do things her way. 

I actually don't feel I handled it well at all, I felt sullen and pouty and probably did some WTF type eye rolling. I wasn't vocal enough in defence and advocating for us as a family because there didn't seem any point and I was too tired to have to justify my parenting. Again.  

Thinking back on it after, I was pissed off it wasn't more about food and felt like an attack, so, at pick up, I bravely went up to the acting head and said 'I thought the meeting was about Ellie and her diet I was a bit shocked to have my parenting under scrutiny and feeling I had to justify my parenting style. I felt bamboozled and totally unprepared."

She smiled sweetly and said 'yes the nurse noticed you were not receptive to advice but really it's all in the spirit of trying to support you'

I mean, who IS receptive to parenting advice when they didn't ask for it??

I'm too tired and weary to be too angry but FFS it was meant to be about diet.  I know they were just trying to find a way to support me. A cleaner, a cook, a driver and a tribe would be a good starting point!!

I'm trying not to take it all too seriously but maybe that's my problem. Ellie out of school is happy confident lively friendly communicative little girl who is oblivious to societies hang ups. As any bloody kid should be.

She's only 6 FFS!!

Meltdowns - not today

Losing the plot - just once after Ellie refused to get me a nappy whilst she was already upstairs 

Breastfeeding - realising I offer one more than other so am lopsided