Believe the impossible

Is it possible to have a breakdown whilst still accomplishing things...like getting kids to school almost on time and feeding kids..almost nutritious food?  That's the extent of my parental involvement at the moment.  The rest of the time I sleep. Or lie down. Sometimes the dog gets walked too. 

I know, well I hope, this pain is going to eventually settle down and return to the normal everyday chronic lower back pain levels that I was managing and living with before the accident.  There may even be a possibility the old pain could be lessened. 

I know I have been able to manage my previous pain and live a relatively normal life, knowing my limitation and abilities. Sometimes that was shovelling an entire driveways worth of red stones and sometimes that was getting everyone out the house in the morning. 

I know that if I had to, I could learn to live with this new level of pain. I'm already trying to reduce my pain meds. I'm thinking of a plan to increase how far I can walk with the dog before it gets too much. At the moment I'm not even managing every day. 

I'm really tired and fed up of being in pain just now. It's exhausting. I know it won't last forever. Although sometimes it's just really hard to imagine given that I've already had other chronic pain for pretty much ten years of my life. 

That's another thing, being positive is also really exhausting. Believing things will all work out beautifully. It makes me a grumpyarse. All my strength is going towards healing and all that entails physically and emotionally which makes me impatient and grumpy and exasperated. As ever, my family suffers. 

I know no one died. I know we were so bloody lucky. I shudder with thankfulness every day that I was on my own in the car. 

Still, I'm not a happy camper right now and living with pain is a total fuckitybuggerbolloky head and body fuck. 

Meltdowns - I didn't hear you from all the way up here in my bed almost asleep. I'm sorry you were left alone to go to the toilet yourself. I'm happy you managed it. SEE I *knew* she bloody could!

Losing the Plot - if I had the energy. 

Breastfeeding - despite earlier predictions, this girl is not for turning. There is definitely less coming out and so feeds are shorter which I can handle just now.  

Day 12 - Pain Day

I am in so much pain when I wake up today, I decide not to get up.  Hubby changes Millie before he goes to work and puts her back on my boob and there we stay.  I don't really mind the girls finishing the ice cream.  I love listening to them play house in the next room and not disturbing me.  I hate being in so much pain.

The soft play really did a number on my coccyx and yesterday I did a mega hoover and house tidy.  That's an on hands and knees with attachment type hoovering.  So my back and coccyx are agony.  My back has completely seized up and I cannot move and every movement is awful on my bum bone.  I feel old and decrepit. And I have headache.

It also kills my mood.  I warn the girls to ignore my shouting today.  I am snappy.  I am grumpy.  My patience is shot. Pain is a bugger in so many ways.

They have swimming today at 4.30pm and every 5minutes since 12pm,  Maia asks me 'Is it time to go? Is it time to go?' She loves to repeat. It drives me nutso!  Got to love her enthusiasm though.  So thankful they have no concept of time yet as its been really useful today.  'Before we go swimming we have to.....'  So far we have brought plates into the kitchen, put cream on sores, carried nappies upstairs and best of all you have to blow your nose and be snot free before you go swimming!!

Fight the pain mama

I also had a major crack down on their tv watching today.  I felt it was making them really angry and grumpy and sedentary. They don't kick up a fuss and go off to play...I want to say 'go off to play happily', but it doesn't quite happen that way.  Throughout the day they come to me complaining the other has hit them.  I listen to their story, empathise with their pain and remind them we don't hit in our family.  I am sure there is more I could be doing but today my resources are too low to manage more.  So they have bouts of playing brilliantly and bouts not so.

Meanwhile, Millie is feeding a ton and still feeling the effects of my pizza.  Her bum is red raw and she is farting like a trooper.  AND Ellie has given her another cold so she is full of snot and unbelievably unhappy about lying flat again.  She is not a happy camper either.

Swimming is too short, its only half an hour and the girls needed to pee one after the other this week, so the minute I sat down, which is incredibly painful,  I am up again and then up and down again.  Whilst drying the girls, the mum next to me starts complaining about her hubby buying her kids crisps before dinner....I rush the girls and their chocolate minstrels out the door!

Once home, Millie has a complete gurgling snot filled screaming painful squitty pooping meltdown.  I shove two carrots and some lentils in a pot call it soup and count the minutes until hubby comes home.

Meltdowns - Millie sized one

Losing the Plot - most of the morning due to pain

Breastfeeding - all morning