They made me do it I didn't wanna do it

daddy's always a soft touch!

I'd managed to skilfully distract and persuade the girls for weeks now not to do the thing they wanted to do. I just wasn't sure about it. I didn't know if I could face another 'talking to' if it all went horribly skewiff. I wasn't sure it was legal and I didn't know if I would be able to hang back enough without looking neglectful or go completely the other way and take over. I wasn't sure *I* was strong enough to hold their disappointment if it didn't go to their idea in their head of how it was going to pan out. You know that particularly difficult one. Expectations. Also, it hadn't stopped snowing and raining for weeks and I couldn't face being outside in the freezing for hours not moving and more to the point, with a child (or 3) getting cold and upset and whiney and illogical and unreasonable.

A while back the girls collected up their toys they didn't want, to sell. They went round the street together (without me!!) No-one in the street wanted to buy them but somehow they ended up collecting for charity instead. I had promised them we would go to the park one weekend and 'do a stall'. Today was the day I finally couldn't think of a reasonable and plausible way to say 'another day'. I tried. Believe me I tried. I was resistant. I suggested it wasn't the right time, that the ground would be cold, that someone was coming over (they didn't in end), that I was tired, that we were only walking the dog. Hubby wasn't keen either. He just wanted to walk dog, get home and relax.

The girls were not for turning, I could feel it. Or maybe I was less resistant than normal because Hubby is home (Easter Monday) so the potential for disaster is immediately reduced. Somewhat.

So, I stopped. Looked at the sun, which has been missing for months decided to be an optimist for a change and thought "ok this could work"

Touting for business

I knew it would be a fabulous learning experience for them but I was scared it would be for all the wrong reasons. Turns out it was the usual mix of the fabulous, tinged with disappointment and a bit of a dampener from mummy as so often is the case in our day! AND no meltdowns! A day without a meltdown is like a day with LOTS of chocolate and massages. Oooh massage mmmmmm. Sorry I digressed again!

We started by going in to the wrong car park. I knew it would be busy but I'm so used to going to parks during the quieter times, I had underestimated how many people go to the park on a big holiday. The car park was full. Then we spotted the carnival rides. (I didn't grump this time, it was a bank holiday after all.) There were masses of people (well masses for a wee park in Glasgow!) and I panicked. I could sense disaster. I anticipated stress. Hubby was grumbling next to me.

For our purposes it would have all been ideal but like I said I just wasn't convinced yet it was a good idea. I suggested another park which went down seemingly ok with the girls. I realise in hindsight, that they didn't correlate busy with good trading so were reasonably amiable to the change of plan. I did though and I felt guilty for potentially taking them somewhere with nobody there. So I took a deep breath, drove to the other car park at the other end of the hubbub and rides and bells and whistles and noise and potential parkies.

Hubby took Millie in sling and walked the dog whilst we set up. Imagine my delight when I realised one of the paths had been blocked with a metal fence providing a great wee enclave. A tucked away one. Not visible from the busy end. I laid out the blanket, tipped out the bag and stood back. Then I sat down on a bench and watched. It was incredible. I was quite shocked that it was working. Ellie was in her element. Taking the talk to people. Persuading them to buy her tat.toys. I wish I could have heard half of her conversations!!

She asked everyone that passed, "do you want to come and look at my stall?" "Some of its free!" she said. "Come and look." I helped them with a few phrases of Great deals. Good bargains. Maia was also keen to start with, wasn't quite as chatty but still gave it a good go. We were in mid excitement and flow when hubby came back and wanted to go. The dog was desperate to run about but it was too busy so he'd been pulling really hard on the lead. And he was slightly pissed off, so he tried to persuade them it was time to go. Ha! Not likely they were full swing. He hung about for a bit but Millie was tired and didn't want to be not moving and not on the boob, so he walked home!! (It wasn't far)

We stayed for a couple of hours (I think). I only stepped in a few times to suggest it wasn't a good idea to hoik up her price mid sale when it looked like someone was definitely going to buy! People were mostly receptive but I had to do a bit of geeing up when they got a knock back. Some people didn't even respond which I thought was rather rude but Ellie just took it in her stride and made sure it wasn't because they couldn't see her or hear her!!!! I would like to thank each and every person who spoke to my girls and helped make their day go so well whether they bought something or not.

I could tell we were nearing an end. An end of someone's coping abilities. I just wasn't sure who's yet. Maia was tired, I was Cold and tired. She basically wanted me to take over her role. I wanted to go home. Ellie wasn't ready to leave. We stayed a bit longer. I could feel myself becoming unreasonably and illogical so I made an executive decision which was only met with slight manageable upset and we went home.

I'm so glad I changed my mind and just went for it. I'm so amazed at how brilliant the girls were at talking to 'the public' and I'm so happy that they actually made a few bob for themselves (£6.90 each). I'm slightly concerned that I imposed on them that they share the earnings even though they each had toys to sell and Ellie clearly talked the talk more than Maia but then I remember that Maia is only 4 and they're sisters and I'm actually really pleased that Ellie did quite happily share with Maia. 

Oh crappito they are SO going to want me to take them shopping tomorrow.

Meltdowns - potential was high

Losing the plot - potential was very high

Breastfeeding - potential low as mostly with daddy

You see, the thing I didn't mention was...

You see, the thing that I haven't mentioned is that I shouted too. I was very angry and outraged that some random shopkeeper would shout at my girls and was even angrier that he was not even feeling the slightest remorse, in fact he felt he HAD to.  When I called him up later to let him know, he all but said they deserved to be bawled at from half way across the shop.  I mean how else are they going to learn that being loud is sometimes unacceptable??!!! I know he was stressed and busy...but hell aren't we all at times, it doesn't mean the kids should cop it. "Children reflect the treatment they receive"

I've been focusing too much on the guilt of me doing it too(again)(and in public), of humiliating them and me. So much was I focussing on the negative, which I have a dreadful tendency to do, I was forgetting that I got everyone up and out the door without any shouting, coercing and nagging.  It was an easier morning because the girls weren't at school today due to late night ear pain and awakenings and sore noses from picking so G-damn bloody much.  I digress.  We first took the dog for a walk, fresh air a must when not feeling great, then we went to the hairdressers because Ellie an unexpected burst of enthusiasm about hair cutting (in other words, she didn't change her mind, again) and then to the dreaded deli, after consuming chocolate and potato scones. In hindsight, I see now it was the end of a long day of high stimulation. They were hungry. I was tired and under pressure. I was having a ridiculous conversation with the woman behind the counter who was being quite unhelpful and obstructive especially given my lack of cooking and storing of frozen foods knowledge.

I should have stopped. Taken a breath. Taken them outside and calmly explained that they could not run round the shop and they needed to stop making so much noise. I should have removed them from the situation. Told them they had to stay outside or go back in the car but that they could not come back inside the shop at that moment.

What annoys me most is that the majority of people think its normal and ok to shout at children and feel justified in doing so. Most people feel no remorse for their behaviour or even consider apologising for shouting and being mean unnecessarily. I do think it was. Unnecessary. 

Most people that I have spoken too, have a memory of being shouted at by someone other than parents and their lingering memory is fear and upset.  How can that be positive?

Meltdowns - hardly any

Losing the Plot - a big ole public one..oh the shame...

Breastfeeding - still going strong.  I'd have loved to have seen the reaction had I needed to do it in that shop!

Breastfeeding in my nightly viewing

Has anyone seen the comedy program The New Normal?

One of the perils of being in my brain is I find it hard to watch stuff on TV without criticising it with my Lactivist Birth Junkie Baby Wearing head on.

So, the 'breast feeding' episode is full of mixed messages and roller coaster highs and lows. Just when I think pop culture media is finally being forward thinking and helping to normalise breast feeding, it throws in a fear based milk donor scaremongering scene and an 'I was breastfed till 4 and listen to these freakzoid stories of my childhood' scene, which were completely unlikely and preposterous. There was also the scene to suggest that some woman have an unhealthy attachment to breast feeding and basically force their kids to feed. That was just offensive.

Must say though, I loved the fabulously choreographed flash mob in an anti-breast feeding restaurant. It was bloody brilliant (if you ignored the babybjorn group aka crotchdanglers aka I-own-a-sling-to-look-cool-and-have-not-researched-it-one-iota-because-if-I-had-I-would-know-they-are-high-risk-for-mother-back-issues-and-baby-hip-dysplasia)!!!!

The breastfeeding vest was A. M. A. Z. I. N. G!!!

I do like this new comedy, it shows a parenting based on conscious decisions and choice and represents a minority not often shown in this light, so I'm willing to over look the gross misrepresentation of breast feeding in favour of the representation about the importance of breastfeeding they also perpetuated.

It's good to laugh but I think some things are too important to misrepresent.

I smell chocolate

Horrible horrible mean grumpy horrible shouty mummy.

I'm so fucking sleep deprived. Millie was awake pretty much all night again. Swollen gums big teeth coming in. Patience is shot. Anger rising. Grump. Grump. Grump.

I want to leave so we can get some fresh air before school instead of watching YouTube all morning. I'm being ignored. Nothing rises my blood pressure more. Well actually Ellie spilling porridge over her uniform and smearing it all over her face along with snot. That doesn't help it either. I decide to forgo the cleaning up battle and leave her to the natural consequences.

They are still not getting in the car. So I pull the plug out the computer and storm out. I've gathered Maia's warm clothes for forest school because she IS going to nursery today. I don't care what she says. Today she has no choice. She hasn't actually refused and I'm not sure I'd have the heart to force her, but the grump is strong today. She must have sensed it! I fling a wipe at Ellie.

We get into the park and Maia realises she's freezing (because she is not wearing her coat) and we go back to the car. She insists on wearing it back to front and gets upset because I take to long to zip her up. By the time it's all sorted the bell goes and we've missed our park time. Ellie goes out and different gate so I shout that I'm taking the dog back to the car and walk round the outside to where she is waiting. She is furious and upset with me and refusing to move because I walked round and didn't come back into the park to meet her. I ignore her protestations cross the road and shout come on Ellie lets go. She's really mad at me. I'm sure I'll pay for that later.

With Ellie inside I walk Maia round to nursery and as I'm asking her teacher if its her turn for forest school, she tries to get my attention. She can't get her backward coat off. I don't hear her over the nursery hubbub. She angrily grabs my cloak to get my attention. She rips it. I lose it. I shout. I storm off. She comes in to the other room crying and her teacher asks what's wrong and I tell her I shouted at her. Her teacher cuddles her in her lap. My baby. She's comforting my baby (for which I'm thankful). How awful do I feel right now?? Well obviously not crappy enough because instead of taking her off the teachers knee, apologising for shouting at her and cuddling her myself, I take her off and start lecturing her about waiting for me to finish talking. *Now* I am the worst grumpy mum today.

I finish taking the dog for a walk and realise I can catch Maia coming across to the park or great school and apologise and cuddle her then. But Millie is screaming with anger and frustration at being put in her car seat again and I'm torn. Then mum calls to see if I'm home to drop some stuff off for Pesach. Millie's screaming and mums organising shoots my blood pressure through the roof again. I bring out the chocolate eggs to calm me down and just as I'm about to go fuck it and drive off, a quick shoogle of the chair sends her to sleep. Just in time. I see Maia coming.

She greets me with a cheery 'hi mum'. I can't decide if this is because she's used to being shouted at and got over it (but harbours long term resentment) or if she has enough previous love to see her through the grumpy mum patches. I give her a big hug and apologise and what does my now smiley happy girl say? "I smell chocolate".

Its only 9.30am. I'm totally exhausted. Mentally and physically. Its takes a lot more energy being grumpy angry mummy. I wish that was reason enough to stop me. I'm going home to sleep. Oh crap I can't. The window cleaner is coming.

Meltdowns - probably later given my behaviour this morning

Losing the Plot - ugly.  In front of other people too. Shame on me

Breastfeeding - Oh. So. Much.

Own it

A photographer is coming to our first night Seder for Passover (friend of my mums that she met on her Shetland trip). He wants to photograph  the meal but he also wants to come during the day and photograph preparations etc.

He said he's not really sure what he's looking for. I said he'd get chaotic family life (and may have said messy!). He liked the sound of that.

Mum gave me money to get the windows cleaned. She is horrified that I would be ok with him seeing them. I didn't even think about them FFS!! Of all the things I do and think about during my day with two kids and a baby, my windows are the least of it. I'm clearly failing in the Jewish housewife of the year - clean window category. I think mum *may* actually have said 'do you want to be known as the Dirty Jewish Mother of Glasgow?' I've been called better things. Remember BoobWoman?!!


Frankly though, I would rather someone hoovered and cleaned my floors and save my back.

I did tidy the whole house today almost satisfactorily. I hate that tidy and clean are different. He's not coming till the 25th March. So not much point. Really.

Anyway my dilemma is, do I take the blood window money and indulge my elderly highly-critical-freaking-out-about-my-frilly-dirty-windows-knickers-being-on-display mother OR do I make a stand, and leave the windows in their glorious child finger printed, picture glue remnants, pen stained natural I-have-a-busy-life-and-windows-are-not-top-priority state.

Part of me feels this is more than about clean windows. This is about me owning my life. Owning my home. Owning the chaotic messy crazy fun adventurous life that has become me and my family.

Maybe I should just take mums offer to 'let in more light' but Im sure the photographer will bring his own lighting.

I cleaned the windows just before Millie was born at the end of March. That was only to see if that was my unfinished business and labour would come on. Isn't once a year enough? Ha! In that case they *are* due for a clean!!

What Should I do?

Betterer and Betterer

Yesterday's goo nightmare

I can't find Millie's other shoe. Ellie knocked the computer off a high table with a back scratcher then forgets her school bag and red nose half way down the road so we have to go back. Maia hasn't forgotten anything but it is her 4th nose*. Its raining, there's no way I'm walking the dog. Ellie's also forgotten her red nose day money collection. Millie woke up last night every 1-2hrs. Seriously. Theres a big ball of FFS in my tummy, the Pot pills haven't kicked in. I am holding it together by a very angry about to lose the plot thread. Give. Me. Strength.

I hate mornings. AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

And breathe. There. That's a bit better.

Today had better get more better because I'm out of schnapps.

_____________

The day DID get better. Only because I had organised a play date for Maia the day before. These things are my saviour. The more the better. Busy happy kids makes for a busy happy mama who doesn't need to be the play mate. No constant nagging for TV. No constant nagging for me to be the mum in a new version of babies. Play dates are amazing.

Who wants one?

Then to top it off, the girls (minus Millie) went to Grandma's for the afternoon and evening!! Betterer and betterer!!!

*The first red nose spilt within a minute of opening. The second was lost in a pile of sand. The third was not the right one. !! Finally on the fourth we were sorted. Ah well, it's all for charity.

Meltdowns - none
Losing the Plot - almost
Breastfeeding - all. bloody. night. long