I smell chocolate

Horrible horrible mean grumpy horrible shouty mummy.

I'm so fucking sleep deprived. Millie was awake pretty much all night again. Swollen gums big teeth coming in. Patience is shot. Anger rising. Grump. Grump. Grump.

I want to leave so we can get some fresh air before school instead of watching YouTube all morning. I'm being ignored. Nothing rises my blood pressure more. Well actually Ellie spilling porridge over her uniform and smearing it all over her face along with snot. That doesn't help it either. I decide to forgo the cleaning up battle and leave her to the natural consequences.

They are still not getting in the car. So I pull the plug out the computer and storm out. I've gathered Maia's warm clothes for forest school because she IS going to nursery today. I don't care what she says. Today she has no choice. She hasn't actually refused and I'm not sure I'd have the heart to force her, but the grump is strong today. She must have sensed it! I fling a wipe at Ellie.

We get into the park and Maia realises she's freezing (because she is not wearing her coat) and we go back to the car. She insists on wearing it back to front and gets upset because I take to long to zip her up. By the time it's all sorted the bell goes and we've missed our park time. Ellie goes out and different gate so I shout that I'm taking the dog back to the car and walk round the outside to where she is waiting. She is furious and upset with me and refusing to move because I walked round and didn't come back into the park to meet her. I ignore her protestations cross the road and shout come on Ellie lets go. She's really mad at me. I'm sure I'll pay for that later.

With Ellie inside I walk Maia round to nursery and as I'm asking her teacher if its her turn for forest school, she tries to get my attention. She can't get her backward coat off. I don't hear her over the nursery hubbub. She angrily grabs my cloak to get my attention. She rips it. I lose it. I shout. I storm off. She comes in to the other room crying and her teacher asks what's wrong and I tell her I shouted at her. Her teacher cuddles her in her lap. My baby. She's comforting my baby (for which I'm thankful). How awful do I feel right now?? Well obviously not crappy enough because instead of taking her off the teachers knee, apologising for shouting at her and cuddling her myself, I take her off and start lecturing her about waiting for me to finish talking. *Now* I am the worst grumpy mum today.

I finish taking the dog for a walk and realise I can catch Maia coming across to the park or great school and apologise and cuddle her then. But Millie is screaming with anger and frustration at being put in her car seat again and I'm torn. Then mum calls to see if I'm home to drop some stuff off for Pesach. Millie's screaming and mums organising shoots my blood pressure through the roof again. I bring out the chocolate eggs to calm me down and just as I'm about to go fuck it and drive off, a quick shoogle of the chair sends her to sleep. Just in time. I see Maia coming.

She greets me with a cheery 'hi mum'. I can't decide if this is because she's used to being shouted at and got over it (but harbours long term resentment) or if she has enough previous love to see her through the grumpy mum patches. I give her a big hug and apologise and what does my now smiley happy girl say? "I smell chocolate".

Its only 9.30am. I'm totally exhausted. Mentally and physically. Its takes a lot more energy being grumpy angry mummy. I wish that was reason enough to stop me. I'm going home to sleep. Oh crap I can't. The window cleaner is coming.

Meltdowns - probably later given my behaviour this morning

Losing the Plot - ugly.  In front of other people too. Shame on me

Breastfeeding - Oh. So. Much.

Cyclical

Its one of *those* kitchen days

"You have so many kids!" my friend's 4yr old said to me today.

December was my last personal post it was about needing to change. For 3months I haven't really written much about my real life stuff. You can track my insecure depressed crappy mother feelings by my silences. I lose my writing ability. I lose my self. I lose my magic thinking. I feel overwhelmed by kids! I don't know what happens. I don't feel able. Or capable. Or worthy to be a mother to my three amazing children (omg I just wrote two! SEE. I just should NOT be their mother right now!!) But I am. For my sins.

I tried a few anti anxiety tablets. They gave me terrible headaches. They did help me feel much calmer about the way the day was going. The way the noise was increasing. The way the mayhem was spiralling. The way the needs of three young children were battering at every fibre of my being. The way my brain felt like it was about to explode into a tiny million pieces but instead explodes where it shouldn't. At my children. Loudly. Scarily. Pointlessly. Damagingly. Those tiny little grey things dulled the ever increasing feeling of finding myself thinking I shouldn't have had another one or perhaps any. I'm not cut out for this. I hate myself. It slowed the relentlessness. The stress. The never ending cycle that is my life just now.

Those were some damn fine pills but not recommended or prescribed long term.

Of course there is more to it. Sleep deprivation being a major headfuck. Low on resources. Lack of support. Loneliness. Isolation. Crappy diet. Lack of exercise. Lack of time. It's a cycle of despair. I need to get it in check.

So, this is why I haven't written much recently. Not too many laughs going on here.

I have been searching for my Joy. Its really elusive this time. Tomorrow I am going to see if the doctor will give me some Joy in a box. I am still not sure if its a good idea or not. It scares the shit out of me but all too often I'm feeling powerless, useless and depleted on all fronts. They could give me a leg out of this hole I'm trying to scrabble out of. That I'm clawing at and sliding further and further down. They could zombify my brain, deaden my emotions, dull the reality and leave me addicted to a Prozac life. I read Prozac Nation when I was young. It equally enthralled and frightened me.

Lets see what he says.

Meltdowns - many many many muchly
Losing the Plot - quite possibly
Breastfeeding - endlessly but forever.  It's so damn handy for everything.  Meltdowns, hunger, upsets, connections, bonding to name but a few!!