This Woman. This Mother

How ironic that on my birthday I will be spending the day with the woman who gave birth to me as she goes to an appointment that will likely tell us that pretty soon she won't remember who I am.

This woman who gave birth to me, who will definitely not remember she has the appointment or that it's my birthday or that it's such a significant day for all of us.

This woman who is slowly forgetting, slowly declining, slowly disappearing into herself.

This woman who is becoming more tactile and grateful for my presence and who will soon forget all her criticising and her Jewish Mother guilt.

This woman who I've attributed most of my neurosis to and my naturally smooth skin and whose relationship with myself I've analyzed extensively and who has provided my blog with many a crazy story.

This woman who made me this strong, determined, neurotic, anxious, wild and fun woman.

This woman. This mother. This woman. My mother, My mum.

💜 Happy Birthing Day Mum 💜

The proof

I recently posted for help on my FB wall. 

In an effort to prove to my mother that my friends also have 'different priorities' and to help me feel better about her frequent nasty remarks about our home, I asked people to post pics of their homes. The fact is, I am constantly tidying and she NEVER comes round in that '10minute window' when the house IS tidy!

Here are the results. I must say, I DO feel better about our home! I will show these pictures to her at the weekend.

Please do keep the pictures coming!

 

Meltdowns - on the increase

Losing the Plot - on the decrease

Breastfeeding - soooooooooooooooooooo much

I imagine I know

I am your mother
I cannot imagine not knowing you as well as I do now
I imagine you understand exactly what I am saying
I cannot imagine you ever not telling me how you are feeling
I imagine you know what that is most of the time
I cannot imagine you ever not saying

I wish I knew for definite how to not lose that.

Sometimes I can feel you slipping slowly away. So vividly.
Thankfully most times I can feel you reaching out and we catch each other. We connect. We communicate. We love.

Connection
Communication
Love
Meltdowns
Losing the Plot
Breastfeeding

Lack of connection begets Lack of connection response to Mother Madness

I think what bothers me most in Erica Jongs article is the vilification of attachment parenting, i just cannot conceive how something with the word attachment in it could be perceived as something negative, unless it was the term, 'negative attachment'! or 'attachment disorder'


I guess she did what she felt was right....i just don't imagine ever being able to 'leave' my kids at such a young age and i don't believe it is healthy either. As her daughter says, she was in a fortunate position, (from her point of view) to be able to provide a baby nanny and a pony and private schools.. personally i would have used the money to *stay* with my kids.

Her daughter also says "I could never have raised kids and made money"  and I totally agree here and here is where I am in the position that Erica Jong wasn't in or chose not to be in, in that we have structured our lives in order for me to be able to stay at home and attach to my kids..i can totally see though why her mother felt she had to work...I sometimes wonder how we have managed it so far!!

I am willing to bet Erica Jong wasn't breastfed for long (if at all)...and the assertion that *her* daughter hated breastfeeding is ridiculous and clearly based on misinformation and lack of breastfeeding advice and support

We all love our children and want what's best for them, and here is the kicker..... "She was a million times better a mother to me than her mother had been to her" and  so and so and so....eventually the cycle will be broken......well thats my plan and it ain't perfect by any means!

All For the Want of a Nail

Sometimes is good to have a schpeigel.  In this case it was a 30minutes hoover schpeigel of the downstairs...well minus the back room, because that means more than just hoovering .   Its freed up at least another couple of weeks where I can get by on occasional surface hoovering time!!  This in turns means more time doing other stuff.  (Believe me, no matter if we hoover every single day which, I used to try to do, I quickly realised it wasn't worth it in so many ways. Now, I don't have the inclination or time for it and anyway, it wouldn't matter because this carpet is all one colour, a lovely deep red colour.  It was amazing new, pre mobile children,  but to cut a long story short which most will 'get', next time i am going 70's patterned in creams and brown swirls)

Anyway back to the schpeigeling, things have been tested to my limit for me recently, what with unbelievable pain, social services and MASSIVE fight (again) with my mother.  Most will know my view on the whole SS visit which while quite stressful and definitely not something I would want or need every week....was just another way of cementing to me that I DO NOT want to be the kind of parent you see dragging their child out of a place kicking and screaming, I WANT to be the kind of parent that comes to some kind of arrangement where everyone leaves feeling happy, secure satisfied and feeling the love.  Yes I know there was nakedness but G-D dammit we were all naked once.  And YES I am irked that my girls don't get the choice to meet daddy naked when he comes home from work...and I have to coerce them with a threat of not being able to meet daddy...I always LOVED dancing naked in the rain for a few moments!!!  It's more about having that choice.  It's always about having the choice.

The inconceivable pain was from a month of me trying to manage my sciatica without pain medication culminating in me screaming the pain was worse than childbirth and demanding more drugs than ibuprofen to which I literally laughed in the Dr's face at and got tramadol and diazepam for my incredulity.   I just received a text from a friend who suggested that sciatic pain means one is dealing with emotional issues maybe needing more support or needing to stand up for oneself.  Usually deep inner issues.  All related to muscle tension which is a direct expression of emotional tension.  Hello, my name is Mummy and I have emotional issues.

Which brings me to the show down with my mother another one where she makes a comment too much, another show down where she complains about the state of the house...oh no wait, this one included my children this time... that's a comment too far...... I am not proud to say I did not respond with the level of compassion and love I so desire which slightly negated most of our argument about breaking the cycle of emotional abuse that she doesn't believe has a placing in her relationship with her grandchildren..or even existed with me.  ''You could be so pretty...if only you did x y whatever condition I am putting on my unconditional love for you today''.  When push comes to shove though....I always revert to what I am trying  in desperation to avoid.  I am proud to say that I stood up for myself and my children.  Hello, my name is mummy and I have emotional issues that I am trying DAMN hard  not pass on to my children.  

Anyway with our amassed time from not having a spotless home, we managed a trip into town to see a wee theatre play, it was totally delightful, Maia was mesmerized, Ellie was engaged, they both were laughing and no-one took their clothes off, no-one peed in the gutter, no-one ended up in tears....well ok......at the end, Ellie in her excitement to go down the lift BY. HERSELF. pushed Maia over which made her very upset then indignant then rendered unable to walk and ended up with me having to carry her back to the busstop but it's a different upset from a beginning of the day upset which can change the whole dynamic of our day.

Siblings without Rivalry is arriving in the post soon and for the record, this is the room AFTER a schpeigling, I think two weeks may be an over estimate.

Meltdowns - 0

Losing the Plot - 0 - 

Breastfeeding - of course!